From Letting Go ~ Morrie's Reflections on Living While Dying

Morrie Schwartz is the “Morrie” from Mitch Albom’s book Tuesdays with Morrie. He was also what they call a “social psychologist” for much of his life until he developed Lou Gehrig’s Disease in his 70’s. Here’s a little tidbit of his that I just read that seemed to be on track for any illness; physical or mental.

He writes: “Expect stressful situations to occur as your illness progresses or acts up. Develop an approach to managing your emotions during these occurrences.”….. “if you don’t learn to manage these frustrations, they will build up, and you’ll find yourself living in a constant state of agitation. For your own sake, do not make your life any more difficult than it has to be.”

See post on Managing your Illness without going “nuts.”


He also writes on grieving for oneself,  for one’s own loss. He doesn’t mean spend your life throwing yourself a pity party, but rather that it is okay to mourn your own loss be it due to an illness or just for the pain in the world. It is okay to be frustrated, upset, stressed out, or just feeling the loss of your former self which by the way is still very much there.


He writes: “After I’ve cried for a while, I find comfort from expressing these deep feelings, comfort from knowing that I can express them – that they are there, that I can get them out. My feelings strengthen rather than weaken me.”


As I read this book, I will probably be adding to this post as Morrie’s outlook on his illness (ALS) and remaining life is very positive and inspiring, and a lot of what he writes can be used to manage any illness with dignity, grace and strength.


This one is multi-purpose. It is as true for those with Bipolar Illness as with any other type of illness.


He writes: “Make an agreement with your family and friends to remind you when you are depressed, anxious, despairing, or lacking in composure that you do not want to stay that way. Ask them for a compassionate nudge.”……. “Make light of the somber mood in some way. That nudge could produce some distance that enables you to get hold of your inner turmoil and step back from your suffering….My advice is aimed at what’s called reactive depression, when you are reacting to something that has happened in your life such as intense pain, loss, or a severing of something you held dear…..When you are chronically or terminally ill, you will undoubtedly become depressed about your illness and need the support of family and friends to pull out of it.”


On accepting illness, he writes: “It’s a matter of being quite realistic about seeing the truth clearly. Then you can determine whether your condition is changeable or not……… When we talk of acceptance, we have to think about the developmental aspect of it over time: Acceptance becomes stronger and stronger until finally it’s all there.”

Alice Cooper and his Nightmare

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Friendships and Random Stuff

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride from okay to Saturday’s really not okay. As I look back, I do not understand where all that emotion came from. All I can think is that it was the culmination of trying to get to get my point across to someone who couldn’t listen but instead thought to insert their own interpretation of my words into their consciousness. I have never in m life seen such a wild “reading between the lines,” and it has ended a friendship for which I am very sorry, and which makes my heart heavy. It also brings to mind the question: “Why do the stronger prey upon the weaker?” because if my words were not written from 40 miles away, this would have been a verbal confrontation, and I am not sure who would have come out on top. Both of us are too skilled in psychological warfare from past confrontations. I forgot my coffee….bad at this time of morning. For me, anyway. now I am coughing up my lungs because one side effect of my medications is that I sometimes (a lot) swallow wrong….. not my favorite side effect, but one that I can live with. I have put that person’s email address into my blocked, junk mail folder because that is all it is, junk mail drivel, and a obvious attempt at the “misery loves company” gambit. It was the only thing I could do to protect myself from this person’s twisted logic and scathing words. And, if there is one thing I have learned about coming out of depressive episodes that send you running for the nearest funny farm, it is too protect myself at all costs because it is too easy to spiral back down the rabbit hole, and the Mad Hatter is always willing to have tea and biscuits.

Saturday I got what I hope is the last communication from this person, and it was so filled with anger and hate, the words were nearly steaming on my monitor. I am surprised the damn thing did not melt. The message might as well been written in capital letters, at least then I would have known for certain I was being yelled at.  I have no intention of ever being friends with this person again. I simply cannot take the anger. It is visceral, almost sentient. In fact, I would say it is sentient. The anger and accompanying depression this person feels is beyond their control as is evidenced by the string of twisted emails. I would apologize for something, this person would turn it into I wanted some thing from them. There was nothing I wanted from them except to repair the damage to our friendship, but that was quite obviously lost on them. What I do not understand is that I read my emails, and the responses to them, and there is only one where I express any kind of offense or ire. The rest were apologetic in tone, and somehow in this person’s mind they got jumbled into I wanted something from them, I needed something they could not provide, yada, yada, yada….. Yeah, I wanted something. To repair the friendship, but that is not a cause for what this person did. The compassionate me says let it go, this person is miserable and depressed and angry. I was told they just wanted friends, and my very first thought, was if this is how they make and keep friends, then it is no wonder they find and lose them so fast. This person knows about cause and effect, and I definitely think that they are having the problems they are because all they ever do is make bad causes with people. 

I guess the worst part of this is my support system is shaky at best, and non-existent at worst. Whenever I try to discuss how I am feeling, I get blown off. If I try to add a nuance to a story I have already told in one way, shape or another, I hear, “You’ve already told me that,” whereas he can tell me the same freaking thing over and over again, and I say nothing because there is always new information in the retelling. I always find some new piece of information that I did not know before. If he bothered to listen to me, or even pay me the most minimal amount of attention, I might not have gone off to have tea with my good friend the Mad Hatter and Red Queen. If he would just listen to me, he might find out more about how I think, how I see the world, what I think about, where I think my ideas come from, and so on and so forth. But, although he prides himself on being observant and an active listener, he really is just like everyone else. Waiting for their turn to talk. Because what he has to say is so much more important than anything I might have to say. I go whole days without talking because I have nothing “new” to say. Even my therapist of almost 9 years doesn’t think she has heard everything I have to say on a lot of subjects especially my family. So, I cannot talk to him about my feelings regarding this rather sad turn of events. I am stuck alone, in my head, in the not so green fields of sadness, ready to fall down the rabbit hole while I mull the whole thing over.

 I know I should just “let it go,” but it just isn’t that simple. I lost something I valued. He loses shit from his storage locker that he doesn’t even remember, and it is a big ordeal. I lose a friend, and I am just supposed to blow that off? So what if he lost his stuff. He obviously didn’t need it or it would not have been in storage for as long as it was. And, stuff is replaceable, friendships are not. In my rather humble opinion, a friendship is a whole lot more important than a bunch of stuff. Stuff gets lost, people are not supposed to be disposed of as if they are so much flotsam and jetsam. When you move, you invariably will leave something behind, and remember it later, but by then it is gone. I realize that some things are sentimental; I have my own bunch of stuff that has traveled with me for 22 years. But, to just toss away a friendship is almost unforgivable, at least in my eyes. They are to be nurtured, cultivated, and cared for the same way you would a garden.  You do not cultivate stuff; you collect it, and most of it you will never use, but you have it just in case (insert sarcasm here). I see what is happening. Because I am being denied the opportunity to talk this out with someone who is supposed to be my life partner, the anger and depression I feel at being tossed away is being transferred to him. I do not understand why he refuses to let me talk about it. He really ought to pay more attention to me and my moods than he does. He is the only one in a position to do that objectively. All my observations are subjective. I subjectively notice that I am not happy with a lot of things. If only people really cared about one another instead of paying lip service to compassion just to look good. The world would be a much more accepting place.

Brain Damage by Pink Floyd

Brain Damage ~ The Dark Side of the Moon

The lunatic is on the grass

The lunatic is on the grass

Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs

Got to keep the loonies on the path

The lunatic is in the hall

The lunatics are in my hall

The paper holds their folded faces to the floor

And every day the paper boy brings more

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon

And if there is no room upon the hill

And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too

I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon

The lunatic is in my head

The lunatic is in my head

You raise the blade, you make the change

You re-arrange me ’till I’m sane

You lock the door

And throw away the key

There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear

You shout and no one seems to hear

And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes

I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon

This is what I experience in the psych ward…..not fun. It is also the last song I heard before burying my Father’s mother (my grandmother) from whom I suspect I inherited this disorder. Kind of ironic, wouldn’t you say?

The Final Cut by Pink Floyd; lyrics by Roger Waters

The Final Cut (Waters) 

Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes 

I can barely define the shape of this moment in time 

And far from flying high in clear blue skies 

I’m spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide. 

If you negotiate the minefield in the drive 

And beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes 

And if you make it past the shotgun in the hall, 

Dial the combination, open the priesthole 

And if I’m in I’ll tell you what’s behind the wall. 

There’s a kid who had a big hallucination 

Making love to girls in magazines. 

He wonders if you’re sleeping with your new found faith. 

Could anybody love him 

Or is it just a crazy dream? 

And if I show you my dark side 

Will you still hold me tonight? 

And if I open my heart to you 

And show you my weak side 

What would you do? 

Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone? 

Would you take the children away 

And leave me alone? 

And smile in reassurance 

As you whisper down the phone? 

Would you send me packing? 

Or would you take me home? 

Thought I oughta bare my naked feelings, 

Thought I oughta tear the curtain down. 

I held the blade in trembling hands 

Prepared to make it but just then the phone rang 

I never had the nerve to make the final cut. 

Depressed and Still in Trouble

You know, it is so nice to be supported by someone who purports to love you. I say this with the utmost sarcasm. I am getting no support whatsoever from a person who is very close to me about something that has been going on for nearly a month. I was released from the psych ward on Tuesday February 7, 2012 having had what I can only describe as a complete “nervous breakdown,” I am sure there is a more clinical, less amorphous way of describing it. But, I had been falling down my rabbit hole on the way to tea with my good friend the Mad Hatter for about 3 months. The reason I did not see it this time around was that it took so damn long to sneak up on me. I had changed the dosage of my medication, and I had stopped chanting (Nichiren Buddhists will understand this; for the rest of the readers, I will explain my life philosophy soon) regularly at about the same time; NOT a good idea for these two events to coincide. Henceforth, the nervous breakdown, and the tea party with all my friends in the rabbit hole.

I remember that night as well, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about support from people who “claim” to love you. There goes the paranoia again; the quotes around the word claim. Hmm, interesting. I am having a problem with one of the other members of the Buddhist community. We were once friends, and apparently after the strangest exchange of emails I have ever received (it was like clapping with one hand; everything I wrote was twisted to suit this person’s sense of themselves as worthless, stupid, etc., and I never said anything of the kind) we are no longer friends. So, this has really been bugging me, I have cried, come close to crying, and it is weighing heavily on my heart because I know that the anger, although written in emails to me was really meant for someone else who will not talk with me about it. 

So, I am newly out of a very long depressive episode that finally resulted in my playing the pill bottle game, and my not changing clothes, bathing, washing my hair, putting on makeup, and sleeping all day. All of which are signs of a major depressive episode, Hello? Did my husband with whom I live constantly notice these things? NO! Okay, non-sequiter, the night I went to the hospital, I was suicidal (but he wouldn’t know that because he was not paying attention to me, not that I need constant attention. I am perfectly happy alone. But, in this case, he should have been worried about me by this time. I always wash my hair, and bathe. I cannot stand feeling grungy. So, after week or so of my not bathing or getting out of bed, I would think he would have noticed something was awry, don’t you think? If it were him, I would have noticed. I mean, a person’s behavior changes that much, and you cannot see it. Either you are stupid or blind, one or the other. 

Anyway, I came to him in his little office, and asked him if he would take me to the hospital. Not an unreasonable request for someone playing the pill bottle game. I was trying to save myself. At any rate, his reaction was to throw his glasses on the desk, pound his hand on the desk, hard, and yell at me. I do not recall exactly what he said, but it had something to do with my creating these scenes when I am feeling ignored. Hell yeah, I was feeling ignored. I had slipped into suicidal ideation, and thought the idea seemed pretty damn attractive, and he hadn’t noticed that a single thing was wrong with me. It is not like he doesn’t know that I have Bipolar disorder. He just won’t take the time to really learn about it, he just relies on past experiences with other Bipolars. But, those people are not me, and the disease manifests itself differently in everyone. I happen to be Bipolar Type I with Psychotic tendencies and Rapid Cycling. This is the worst type of Bipolar a person can have. But, he refuses to do any research to better understand me. 

Anyhow, he gets angry with me, and thinks that I am creating a scene to get attention. Well, yeah, I needed attention. I had needed attention before it had become this bad. I told him that I was suicidal, he got angrier. So, I told him to go fuck himself, that I was packing a bag or two and calling 911 for an ambulance to take me to Albuquerque because there is no hospital where we live. So, by now, I am thoroughly pissed off, suicidal, and extraordinarily depressed. He tells me not to call the ambulance, and I just said, No, I didn’t want him to take me to the hospital if that was going to be how he reacted. I said, I am calling 911, fuck you I am not going anywhere with you. Then I asked him if I was supposed to be able to trust him with my life, why did he get angry at me for asking him to drive me to Albuquerque to the hospital? I told him that apparently I could not trust him with anything if I could not trust him to help me save my life. By now, he has decided that maybe something really is wrong, I am not kidding about going to the hospital. Of course I wasn’t kidding. i hate that place with a passion which, thankfully, my mother told him. They had a few minutes conversation about the hospital, and my mother told him I hated it there, and that if I am asking to go there, I am in a really bad way. Like an I can’t see my way out of the hole without killing myself type of really bad way. He took me to the hospital, and apologized for his earlier behavior several times. But, he lost some of my trust that night. Apparently, me and my illness are on our own…..

So, back to the situation that started the whole month long, can’t recover from the depression problem. I sent out an email apologizing for the Calendar being late as i had been ill and was in the hospital, and I didn’t have a laptop with  smiley face after it. So, I  get this scathing email back from this person that was my friend (I can hold a grudge too) that just leaves me befuddled as to why this individual is so angry with me for being sick. I am so confused. So, I chanted for a few days and wrote back that I was a bit offended that this person had chosen to vent their anger on me, and that I didn’t understand where it was coming from. Not a nasty email at all. The next one comes, and it is even more venomous, so, again I am apologetic, trying to explain myself, and getting nowhere. The next one comes,and it is more friendly in tone like everything is okay, so I write back that it is good that we are back on the same page because I wanted to join a study group that this person attends, and it would be uncomfortable for both of us if we were not getting along. Seems innocuous and innocent enough, but noooooooooo, not even close. Somehow this person reads between the four or five lines I wrote and decides that I am calling them stupid, questioning their practice of X number of years, and a whole host of other weirdness that just served to confuse me even more. So, I said so. I wrote back that I was confused by this person’s response to an innocent email saying that I was glad we were on the same page. I also asked this person not to email me again as the emails were just getting more and more angry in tone, and I cannot handle that right now. I am not completely well yet. I am still depressed. Not just low mood, but seriously depressed. not suicidal, but at the same time, it does seem like it could be a good idea. I am in that middle ground of recovery where the depression lingers along with the suicidal ideation so, I am just not equipped to deal with this person’s anger and, frankly, rage at the world. I am not responsible for their life’s events. 

Well, even after I asked this person to stop emailing me, they had to get in one last word. This one was the angriest of them all. It ended our friendship for good. I cannot be friends with someone that angry, I have my own mental health to look after since my husband refuses to learn about it, and refuses to help me when I need it, and thinks I am “attention seeking”. The last 2.5 hours of writing have been quite enjoyable, and I am by myself.  I do not need the constant attention that he thinks I do. Far from it, I would find that annoying, but a little affection here and there is not bad.

The only problem is that I need to talk this out because it has really affected me emotionally. I have a really hard time handling conflict between myself and others, especially people who called themselves friends. Well, now I know that this person’s friendship is conditional on keeping then happy and not upsetting them in any way. My husband is not willing to listen to me talk about it, he just says that he won’t talk about it any further. What the fuck good is he then? It is still bothering me, and quite frankly, is getting in the way of my getting better although my ability to hide it is coming back. That’s a good sign, I suppose. Not so much, really. If I am becoming good at hiding it again then no one will know when something is wrong like now with this email fiasco that has left me angry and sad and depressed. But, apparently, I am the only one who can care for me, so I am simply going to have to find a way to move past it on my own…. like I have with so many other things. Why do I even have a husband at all if I cannot talk to him? I certainly fail to see the point a lot of the time. So, I will suffer behind a veneer of wellness and strength like I do so often. 

The Best Books about Bipolar Disorder And 10 Subtle Symptoms ~ Updated

Okay, so this post is going to be dry and boring, but if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with Bipolar, these are among the best books about the subject. I will probably add more as I run across them. The important thing here is to know you are not crazy, nuts or anything else. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that affects your moods, and it is important to know that you are not alone, and that you can live a functional and productive life with this illness. Each of these links will take you to that book’s site on Amazon where you can purchase new and used copies. My other current favorite online bookstore is half.com where you can purchase books for a little under $5.00 per book. Some of these titles may be available there as well:

1.  An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison (I cannot recommend this book more highly). It was the first I read on the subject and the fact that she not only has Bipolar Illness, but is a Doctor and researcher at Johns Hopkins gave me more hope that I could lead a “normal” life than any other book I have read. She researches mood disorders when she is not busy being a practicing psychiatrist. Of all the books written by Bipolar’s, I think this one is most important because it gives and honest accounting of what it is like to live with the illness while at the same time being a functioning, productive member of society. It is personal and it also offers clinical advice.
2. Madness: A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher ~ I took a look at this book, and it details very accurately the life of a Bipolar even the early years when the author was a child. As I read the first few pages on Amazon, I had this very eerie feeling come over me, and I realized that was me as a child. Hyperactive, convinced that strange things lived under my bed (Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Werewolf), and that I would die if I were not completely covered from head to toe; not even a finger could stick out. I stayed awake as long as I could to be sure they wouldn’t get me or something would become uncovered.  This book is deeply personal while the same time offering clinical information on medications, side effects of those medications and a whole host of links to Bipolar or other Mental Illness sites; one of my favorites has always been http://www.crazymeds.com . This site has a lot of information on various medications used to treat many different illnesses, but Bipolar Illness is in there. The guy who maintains the site recounts his experience with different medications with a dry humor, but his information is really good. He explains in laymen’s terms what you can expect from various medications.
3. Touched with Fire: Manic Depressive Illness and the “Artistic Temperament”  by Kay Redfield Jamison ~ Examines the relationship between creativity and Bipolar illness. While not all artists are Bipolar, some form of “madness” does seem to be pervasive in the artistic community both now and historically. I have this book and have started to read it. It is a very interesting look at the connection between mental illness and the “artistic temperament.”
4. Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney ~ I have not read this book outside of the few pages that Amazon tempts you with to get you to buy the book, but what I read described a mixed episode that resonated so realistically with me that I remembered my early experiences as a clinically diagnosed Bipolar. I had days where I was so high and so low all at the same time, the only choice to stop the “ride” was to end my life, at least in my eyes. But, I was riding a manic high at the same time. I would be cleaning furiously and crying my eyes out at the same time.  This book would appear to be a very personal and not clinical look at what it is truly like to live with Manic Depression.
5. The Bipolar Survival Guide by David J. Miklowitz, PhD. ~ This one I have as well, and it offers up a plethora of ways to “survive” Bipolar disorder from medication and staying on it to things you can do to help yourself when you are having episodes to ways you can keep episodes from being so debilitating. He covers subjects like when you are just having a good or bad day, or if it your symptoms “talking.” He also offers up advice on not to let our illness run your life, and how you can be productive at work, and  function in personal relationships. It is a must have for all Bipolars that want to be as “normal” as possible.
6. To Walk on Eggshells by Jean Johnston ~ For those on the other side of mental illness. It is a book about what it is like to care for a mentally ill person. A good thing to have if your loved one is mentally ill. 
7. The Dark Side of Innocence: Growing Up Bipolar by Terrie Cheney ~ Chronicles what it is like to be a Bipolar child. Although there is a lot of controversy in the Psychiatric circles about whether Bipolar Illness can manifest as early as childhood, I have read way too many books where the person writing seems to be writing my life’s story. The violent, out of the blue outbursts, the absolutely bone-crushing depressions (no child should be attempting suicide at the age of twelve,  and that was just the first attempt, there were many more), the problems at school, the difficulty relating to people, the absolute certainty I had that everyone was against me (I still suffer from paranoia), the just wanting to isolate myself because then I was “safe” from other people, the bullying I experienced lets me know I was not a “normal” child. I was different somehow. most people called me “hypersensitive”. I do not think so. I think that I had a mood disorder that was not diagnosed because I never gave the psychologists and psychiatrists that my parents took me to a chance to even glimpse inside my head. Hell, I didn’t want to glimpse inside my head; it was a scary, dark place I just didn’t want to go. I escaped by reading voraciously.
8. Surviving Manic Depression ~ A Manual on Bipolar Disorder for Patients, Families, and Providers  By E. Fuller Torrey, M.D and Michael B. Knable, D.O ~ is the most comprehensive, up-to-date book on a disorder that affects more than 2 million people in the United States alone. Based on the latest research, it provides detailed coverage on every aspect of the disorder ~ from understanding its causes and treatments to choosing doctors and managing relapses.
9. The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide ~ What You and Your Family Need To Know By David J. Miklowitz, PhD ~ How can you distinguish between early warning signs of bipolar mood swings and normal ups and downs? What medications are available, and what are their side effects? What you should do when you find yourself escalating into mania or descending into depression? how you can get the help and support you need from family members and friends? How can you tell your coworkers about your illness without endangering your career?  Filled with information and practical advice, this comprehensive guide offers straight talk that can help you tackle these and related questions, take charge of illness, and reclaim your life.
10. loving someone with bipolar disorder ~ Understanding & Helping Your Partner By Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston, Psy. D. ~ written specifically for the partner of a person with bipolar disorder. If you have a loved one with bipolar, you know how disruptive and straining this disorder can be to your relationship.You may experience feelings of fear, loss, and anxiety as well as a constant uncertainty about your loved one’s ever-changing moods. This book is designed to help you overcome the unique challenges of loving someone with bipolar disorder. With the supportive and helpful information, strategies, and real-life examples, you’ll have all the tools you need to create a loving, healthy and close relationship. (Julie Fast herself has bipolar illness as does her partner, John D. Preston, Psy. D. has received the Mental Health Association’s President’s award). This is an excellent book for somebody who is close to or loves a bipolar, it is also an excellent resource for bipolar people as it allows them a different perspective on their illness and it’s effects on those around them.
11. Bipolar Symptoms: By Tammy Worth ~ 10 signs that mood problems may be due to more than a quirky or difficult personality
    1. Great Mood ~ Bipolar disorder is characterized by up-and-down episodes of mania and depression. During a manic phase, some patients can have a total break from reality.
       But hypomania, which is also a symptom of the disorder, is a high-energy state in which a person feels exuberant but hasn’t lost his or her grip on reality. 
       “Hypomania can be a pretty enjoyable state, really,” Dr. Bearden says. A person’s mood can be elevated, they may have a lot of energy and creativity, and they may experience euphoria. This is the “up” side of bipolar disorder that some people with the condition actually enjoy—while it lasts.
    2. Inability to Complete Tasks ~ Having a house full of half-completed projects is a hallmark of bipolar disorder. People who can harness their energy when they are in a hypomanic phase can be really productive. 
       Those who can’t often go from task to task, planning grand, unrealistic projects that are never finished before moving on to something else.
       They can be quite distractible and may start a million things and never finish them, says Don Malone, MD, the director of the Center for Behavioral Health and chair of the Department of Psychiatry at Cleveland Clinic, in Ohio.
    3. Depression ~ A person who is in a bipolar depressive state is going to look just like someone who has regular depression. They have the same problems with energy, appetite, sleep, and focus as others who have plain old depression, Dr. Malone says. 
       Unfortunately, typical antidepressants alone don’t work well in patients who are bipolar. They can even make people cycle more frequently, worsening their condition, or send someone into a break-with-reality episode. 
       Antidepressants can be downright dangerous in people with bipolar because they can send them into mania, he says.
    4. Irritability ~ Some people with this condition suffer from “mixed mania,” where they experience symptoms of mania and depression at the same time. During this state, they are often extremely irritable. 
       Everyone has bad days, which is one reason this kind of bipolarity is much harder to recognize. 
       “We are all irritable or moody sometimes,” Dr. Bearden says. “But in people with bipolar disorder it often becomes so severe that it interferes with their relationships—especially if the person is saying, ‘I don’t know why I’m so irritable.I can’t control it.”
    5. Rapid Speech ~ Some people are naturally talkative; we all know a motormouth or Chatty Cathy. But “pressured speech” is one of the most common symptoms of bipolar disorder. 
       This kind of speech occurs when someone is really not in a two-way conversation, Dr. Bearden says. The person will talk rapidly and if you try to speak, they will likely just talk over you. 
       They will also sometimes jump around to different topics. “What’s kind of a red flag is when it is atypical for the person to talk like this,” doing it only when they are in a manic cycle but not at other times, she says.
    6. Trouble at Work ~ People with this disorder often have difficulty in the workplace because so many of their symptoms can interfere with their ability to show up for work, do their job, and interact productively with others.
       In addition to having problems completing tasks, they may have difficulty sleeping, irritability, and an inflated ego during a manic phase, and depression at other times, which causes excessive sleeping and additional mood problems. 
       A lot of the workplace problems can be interpersonal ones, Dr. Malone says.
    7. Alcohol or Drug Abuse ~ (See post on “Self-Medication”) : About 50% of people with bipolar disorder also have a substance abuse problem, particularly alcohol use, Dr. Bearden says. 
       Many people will drink when they are in a manic phase to slow themselves down, and use alcohol to improve their mood when they are depressed.
    8. Erratic Behavior ~ When they are in a manic phase, people with bipolar disorder can have an inflated self-esteem. 
       “They feel grandiose and don’t consider consequences; everything sounds good to them,” Dr. Malone says. 
       Two of the most common types of behavior that can result from this are spending sprees and unusual sexual behavior. “I have had a number of patients who have had affairs who never would have done that if they weren’t in a manic episode…during this episode they exhibited behavior that is not consistent with what they would do normally,” he says.
    9. Sleep Problems ~ People with this condition often have sleep problems. During a depression phase, they may sleep too much, and feel tired all the time. 
       During a manic phase, they may not sleep enough—but still never feel tired.
       Even with just a few hours of sleep each night, they may feel great and have lots of energy.
       Dr. Bearden says staying on a regular sleep schedule is one of the first things she recommends for bipolar patients.
    10. Flight of Ideas ~ This symptom may be something that is hard to recognize, but it occurs frequently when someone is in a manic phase. People feel like their mind is racing and that they can’t control or slow down their thoughts. 
        This flight of ideas sometimes occurs with pressured speech.
        People with bipolar may not recognize or admit that their mind is racing out of control, says Dr. Bearden.

I have experienced every one of these symptoms. There have been times when by brain was racing so fast it could not keep up with itself, or I felt the absolute NEED to talk about nothing and everything. I have had episodes where I didn’t sleep for 5 days or I only slept an hour or two (do not let anyone tell you that warm milk will help. It won’t and it is gross). I have experienced “erratic behavior” although this particular symptom began when I was in my teens ( I was diagnosed at 33). I have abused alcohol and just about every drug that is out there, and done huge amounts of damage to my relationships with people because of it. I have lost jobs due to this illness, and problems at work caused by either manic episodes, or in my case, depressive ones where I just couldn’t face the idea of going to work. I remember this particular symptom from the time I was in grade school. Basically, I have experienced lately or within the last twenty years every single, last one of these symptoms. Any one who read my blog post yesterday would have seen irritability, lingering depression from the hospital visit, suicidal ideation to alleviate the depression, but definitely not great mood. At this point, i would give at least one arm and a leg for a manic or hypomanic episode. I  have just about had it with the paranoid depressions that I find myself in. Not all of them require hospitalization, but the very fact that I am even putting myself “out there” like this tells me, I am trying my damnedest to understand what has been wrong with me quite possibly since birth, but did not rear its ugly head until I was in my early 20s, and quite possibly, even earlier than that as I do recall mood swings happening since I was a child. One minute I could be your best friend, the next I was beating the tar out of you for saying something that I would now view as totally benign, but back then was the worst possible thing to tell me.

I do recommend reading as many legitimate books on the subject as possible from both points of view. It will go a long way toward helping you understand the illness on an intellectual basis. Acceptance is something that will come with time. But, the more you know, the safer you are from yourself.

This is What It Is Like to Be Bipolar & Misunderstood

I do not understand this person that used to be my friend until last summer, and some things went wrong with a house sitting job. I admit I did some things wrong. I did not leave a note saying that I did not vacuum because I could not find the vacuum, I did not tell the individual that I did not sleep in the bed but rather, on top of it, I did not tell this person that I washed all the bath linens, and that I had “swiffered” the floor. I cleaned the cat boxes before I left, I fed them before I left. So, yes, I do admit to doing wrong things. But, this person has the mind of an elephant and can hold a grudge forever. I thought we had worked things out between us last year, but apparently not. She has been sending these “nice” and “angry” emails to me for about a month now. I have tried to be understanding of her temperament, but I hit a point last night where I could no longer take it, and I told the person the I was very confused as to her message, that I had said nothing of the kind to her (in reply to what she wrote to me), and tried my damnedest to explain what I had meant, and to please not email again. Period. I can’t take it anymore. I am already depressed and sad all the time anyway so why add to my misery by continuing this cat and mouse game of who can make the other feel the worst. Do you think this person listened to the “Please do not email me again” part of what I wrote last night? No, I have an even more vituperative missive that came in about noon today. I just do not get what I have done/said that has caused so much misunderstanding. 

So, now, while I am supposed to recovering from a hospitalization for a massive depressive episode, I find myself sliding again. And, the pill bottles are looking real good again. I haven’t started lining them up yet, but I can feel it coming. All I feel is the desire to just cry until I run out of tears. Maybe I should go see what I have in the way of medication. I was obviously not meant for this world. I never was. Fuck this. I will NOT give this person the power to determine whether I live or die. I alone have that power; not anyone else, and especially not this person. I refuse to let a miserable person control my life, literally. I just do not think this person can see beyond their own grief and suffering enough to realize that they are dealing with a fairly unstable person right now. And, writing missives such as the one I received after I explicitly said not to contact me again is not helping. I do not have the greatest support system here at home. I am pretty much on my own to keep my head above the water that constantly threatens to drown me in its black warmth. Does this person not understand that while anger is a fairly empowering emotion, pure depression is not? It is a self-defeating, dream stealing, hopeless, helpless, incredibly empty feeling, and some people are not equipped to deal with it as well as others. In a person with manic depression, it is paralyzing to become depressed. You just do not want to do anything at all, and you won’t. It is not worth the effort you have to put out. There’s no point to putting in the effort anyway; it is never rewarded. Nothing ever is. Everything you do has the taint of depression, and that means you do everything half- assed, and nothing to completion. Because you just do not care anymore. Why bother caring when it gets you screamed at for no reason through emails? Why do anything at all? No one appreciates it. You are just taken for granted, and it is assumed that you will do certain things whether you want to do them or not. The really bad thing about depressive episodes is that they really do kill you slowly, they are the impetus behind the lining up of the bottles, the wondering if you have enough of anything or if you should just take them all and hope.

I mean I told this person in an email last night to “Please not email me back.” There is only one two syllable word in that statement. it is not hard to understand that sentence. A six year old understands the word “don’t”. I guess unless this person has the last word they are not satisfied. So, I have been under attack for about three weeks now from this person lashing out at me for everything that has happened to make them so angry to begin with. I am not the abusive parent, spouse, friend, family; I am none of these. But, they are taking their entire life of anger out on me, and I cannot take it. Not right now. I am trying to be strong, but it is a farce. I am not strong right now. I am still sick, but trying to function as if I am not, and it is going to be the end of me.

Manic Depression from the Other Side

I am sure that manic depressive illness is no picnic from the other side of the room either. The yelling, the temper tantrums, the complete withdrawal when one of us either cannot take the mood swings, or the ill person is in a depressive phase of the illness. It is very complicated no matter which phase of the illness the sick person is in (I hate to use that word, but it all that will fit here), the afflicted person feels guilt and shame and hurt and sadness that they cannot be more normal, unfortunately, this depression and accompanying feelings of guilt and shame and even paranoia, in some cases (mine), can, will and does express itself as extreme anger about the illness, about things that were done to them, issues the other party had nothing to do with. Many issues are very deep seated ones that have been present since childhood. Issues surrounding parents or the lack thereof, issues about siblings, issues about not feeling normal like everyone else seems to be, and a lot of times, issues surrounding school and being bullied because something about you is “off”according to the kids at school. So, a budding bipolar is frequently bullied, called names, even beaten up by other kids. 

Usually, the newly “sick” person will become severely depressed, and will withdraw from family and friends, sometimes to the point that they will only speak when they have to. I know. I did not speak for my entire freshman year in high school. I can only imagine how helpless my parents must have felt. They finally took me to a psychiatrist when I was about 15 or 16, but I could not stand the guy and just flat out would tell him what he wanted to hear, and then would leave having totally wasted my parents money. I do have to give them credit. They did try several times to help me, but I was not ready to admit that I needed help. 

I think to a certain extent, my parents did give up on me. I remember the most traumatic night of my entire life, coming home, and having them waiting up for me so they could yell at me for not being where I said I would be, coming home late, in fact, they were so wrapped up in their own irritation with my behavior, my lying, and my lateness that they failed to observe the condition I was in. I told them to F*&^ off, and I went to the bathroom and bathed for what seemed like hours. My parents never questioned me about why…..they just couldn’t figure out why their previously relatively obedient daughter had suddenly turned about 180 degrees around, and was now staying out to all hours of the night, making new (and criminal) friends, doing drugs (not hard ones, those came later, read the post on self-medication), and generally just being completely unruly. Looking back, I feel really bad that I put them through that. There was a lot of yelling between my father and myself. Usually initiated by me, but I just could not understand how they could not have asked me what was wrong that night. I still am somewhat befuddled by that. But, that is water under a very wide bridge. Because of their reaction or maybe my age at the time (barely 16), I could not process their reaction, and I certainly could not process what had happened. So, I became an incredibly difficult person to live with. I would go off the deep end for no reason that they or I understood. I knew I was angry, but I guess, in retrospect, I was angrier than I thought at the time. I would leave, slamming the door behind me for no reason other than to slam the door. My emotions knew no rhyme or reason. I would imagine my parents were probably a little afraid of me. I know my sister was.  The thing was I did not mean to do these things. I acted with no thought as to how the person on the receiving end would feel because at the time I just did not care. At all. 

Now, when I have an episode of irrational behavior, I find that once I have calmed down, I am deeply ashamed and sorry and feeling incredibly guilty. But, all that does not matter to the person who bore the brunt of the storm. I can feel as sorry as I want, but the damage has been done, and I cannot fix that. The only thing I can do is try not to do it again. The only thing that rebuilds the trust that is destroyed with each outburst is time (sometimes a lot of time).

I can remember a time about 4.5 years ago when I was so needy and clingy and alone and lonely and pretty suicidal that I was calling my mother way too much for comfort and sympathy. I was deep in the throes of  a “woe is me” type pity party for one. I would call her several times a day, until one day, much to my surprise and chagrin, she refused to take my call. I couldn’t believe it! My own mother was refusing my call! At the time, she was my support system. My whole support system. She finally took one call, and explained to me that I was not to call her, I was not to come to the house (not even to do laundry), I was to return my copy of her house key which to this day, I have not gotten back, and that she simply had to distance herself from me. I had become more than she could take with all my suicide threats, crying inconsolably, being depressed about everything in my life (and not just that “low mood” type of depression either, this was the serious kind, where you very well may try to kill yourself to get it to stop). She told me she was seeing a counselor again because she could no longer handle her anger and sadness surrounding me. She told me that I had become toxic to her well-being. So, now, I am banned from contact, and I have been told that my own mother finds me toxic to her well-being, and that she was shutting me out to protect herself from me. I had no idea that I had become that bad. 


In retrospect, however, I see why she had to get away from me. No mother or other loved one wants to hear on a daily basis that their child or wife or significant other wants to die, they are so alone and depressed. I was a toxic person. I was angry, depressed, constantly suicidal (hence the frequent flyer miles at the hospital), and I needed too much of her time and took all her energy without giving back. Every phone call was about some crisis real or imagined; never a call just to chat. All my calls were deeply depressing and angry. Anger at the world, anger that I had this illness, just a lot of anger and poison coming from me at that time. Therapy didn’t seem to be helping although I think that was when I was seeing Dr. Logan, not my usual therapist (she had dropped me because of a nearly fatal suicide attempt), and I was not comfortable with her, and couldn’t really let her know what was really happening with me. The meds didn’t seem to be working although they had done just fine in the past. So, I was pissed off about all of that, and I made the choice to take it out on my mother as if everything was her fault. So, yes, I see why for almost a year she did not want me in her life. She had to cut me loose because she herself was getting “sick” because I let everything out on her which was very unfair of me. Many times the things I was angry with her about had nothing to do with her. Which seems to be a recurring pattern.


Now, I am married. That’s a pretty big achievement for me. It is a big achievement for all mentally ill people because it means that you have become functional enough to have a relationship with someone who is not blood family. They have to love you even they do not like you. But, a complete stranger that you have to get to know, and they have to get to know you, that is f*&^% scary because what are they going to do or say when you drop the Bipolar bomb on them? They could run screaming, and then you get hurt (which we tend to guard ourselves very closely against), they could accept it as part of who you are, or they could accept it and want to find out more about it. Those are pretty much the three reactions I have experienced. My current husband (well, my only husband) had lived with two other manic depressive women before me, but they all manifested differently than I do. I tend towards paranoia, and that is not good for a relationship. I have a tendency to let little thoughts bother me to the point that they become full issues with lives of their own. And some of those little critters have teeth, and they do bite. I have told my husband that he doesn’t love me anymore (which is clearly untrue as we are still married), I have tried to throw my husband out of the house, and do not come back, I have accused him of cheating on me….. I have yelled and screamed at him about nothing in general, and I have taken out my anger and hurt about situations that were not anywhere close to his fault. He has told me that self-fulfilling prophecies are real, and if I keep it up, then one day,  he may just go out and have an affair since I accuse him of it so much, or that if I keep telling him to leave, someday he may just pack his stuff up, and do that. That scares me. I love him, and cannot lose him despite all his quirks. Hell, I have a bunch of quirks too, and I am “difficult” to be around sometimes. I know where a lot of the   abandonment issues come from, and they have absolutely nothing to with him. These are my own issues, and I need to realize that i need to work on these problems, and that no one can change them for me. They are uniquely my own. I fear being abandoned. I do not fear being alone. I was by myself for about 10 years, and they had their good and points, their own highs and lows. I have such a fear of abandonment that I do assume wrong things, imagine wrong scenarios, have paranoid thoughts, and yes, I do believe that if I do not stop with the accusing and telling him to get out, or get divorced (that is one of my big ones…. its difficult, so lets get divorced, it is too hard to fix, whatever), one of these days it will happen. He will have had enough of my tantrums that are directed at him but have nothing to do with him. He was not the progenitor of these problems and issues that I have. I am slowly learning that sometimes it is best to just keep things to myself, and not vent all my anger onto an undeserving person that actually loves ME even though I am ill,and can become quite ill very quickly. 


I would imagine that the view from the outside creates resentment, anger, hurt when your loved one is threatening suicide, yelling at you for no reason that you can see because you are not the person that the Bipolar is really yelling at; they are yelling at the person(s) that have hurt them deeply, you just end up being the punching bag, and that is absolutely wrong for the ill person to do. Talking about it in therapy is the appropriate outlet because the therapist can provide guidance about what to do when you do feel an “attack” episode coming on. I am apologize to all the people that I have hurt and damaged due to my inability to control my mind – mouth connection. Mostly I want to say to my mother and my husband: Thank you for not cutting out on me, thank you for not giving up on me, thank you for loving me enough to stick around. Just thank you for putting up with me through the really bad times, and not leaving me alone, or throwing in the towel and just leaving. 


I think the year or so that my mother would not speak to me, or even see me made me a stronger person. I tried like hell for about 6 months to change her mind, but that was futile. Now, I just have to make sure  that I do not do that to my husband, he is a good man who does indeed love me even though I have been a real bitch to him at times. I am sorry. I am learning how not to always say what I feel, or act out on an innocent person. Most people have nothing to do with my problems, but I do not take out my ire on the people who deserve it because I am financially dependent on one of these people, and I cannot lose that help. So, I use other people for punching bags. And, for that, I am in the wrong. I can be very intense when I am angry, and I tend to make things sound worse than they are, and for that I am in the wrong. Nobody deserves to be used as someone else’s punching bag, especially when they are not party to the problem in the first place. 


So, I apologize to all the people who have been there for me no matter what, and especially to my husband whose only fault is that he loves me. I will make a concerted effort to leave my problems with my therapist, and not allow them to ruin this relationship as I have others. 


Manic -depression does not affect just the person that suffers from the illness, but all those people around them. It is an equal opportunity illness. One person has it, and fights daily to keep it managed (notice I never use the word “controlled”), and manic-depression affects all the people who love them sometimes in very negative ways. For that, I cannot apologize enough, even though I know only time will heal what I have done to people. 

Bipolar Gets Worse with Time ~ Why An Early Diagnosis is Important

Bipolar tends to be a lifelong illness. Very few people are ever considered “cured” which is one reason why early diagnosis and treatment are so vital. Most people with the disorder will continue to experience high and low episodes with periods that are nearly symptom free in between, although some people will continue to display some symptoms of the disorder. There are four types of Bipolar that are recognized in  the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual or DSM.

• Bipolar Type I: mainly defined by manic or mixed episodes that last at least seven days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, the person also has depressive episodes, typically lasting at least two weeks. The symptoms of mania or depression must be a major change from the person’s normal behavior.
• Bipolar Type II:  mainly defined by manic or mixed episodes that last at least seven days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, the person also has depressive episodes, typically lasting at least two weeks. The symptoms of mania or depression must be a major change from the person’s normal behavior.
• Bipolar Not Otherwise Specified: is diagnosed when a person has symptoms of the illness that do not meet diagnostic criteria for either bipolar I or II. The symptoms may not last long enough, or the person may have too few symptoms, to be diagnosed with bipolar I or II. However, the symptoms are clearly out of the person’s normal range of behavior.
• Cyclothymia:  a mild form of bipolar disorder. People who have cyclothymia have episodes of hypomania that shift back and forth with mild depression for at least two years. However, the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for any other type of bipolar disorder.

Bipolar illness tends to get worse over time. Time lost in getting the correct diagnosis and treatment can lead to more severe and more frequent episodes than in someone treated earlier in the disorder. The more frequent episodes tend to lead to significant impairment in social, work related and personal relationships.  


Believe me, I know all about the social, work related and personal relationship malfunctions. I know for a fact that I have lost at least one job solely because I was not diagnosed or treated yet, and when I found out what was going on with me, I filed all my appeals and grievances on time. However, the bureaucratic jerks I was working for seemed to have no sense of their own policies and procedures. They filed their responses weeks late. I had all types of documentation pointing out their inconsistencies, but they brushed it off with a statement like “well, it was  last year when that happened.” Do not go after a lawyer’s daughter if you do not have your ducks in a row. Especially not one whose mother was an attorney for 27 years. You learn things about documenting everything down to the very last detail. I had my ducks in several rows, but they were all dismissed with a nonchalant, ‘Well, that’s not how we remember it.” They were wrong, I knew I was right, but without an attorney, and not having filed a complaint with the EEOC, there wasn’t much I could do except watch my beloved job slip away because I could not “fulfill the essential functions of the job.” I was covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act, but they found their way around that too. They were too powerful for me at that time. I had been diagnosed/hit by a Mack truck, and really was in no position to fight the way they were. They had attorneys. I did not. I did not have the strength to fight them. They were too strong and too evil, and I do not know how to battle hate.




I know for a fact that before my diagnosis, the illness contributed greatly to the loss of my first fiance. There were times I jut went off on him for no reason, and I was beginning to drink heavily to try and cope with the stress of being a full time student, employee, and “housewife.” He did absolutely nothing around the apartment. He worked full time as a bike mechanic. I had three full time jobs; school, my paying job, and him. It was too much. I quit my job as a waitress. Probably one of the sanest things I ever did, and I focused on school and him. but, in the end, the fighting got too bad, and it got too personal. We were not even fighting about anything in particular, we just fought. So, I am pretty sure illness cost me that relationship, and I can honestly say there are times that I wonder why my husband hangs around because I have been known to use him as a punching bag, or go into one of my paranoid phases and decide that he doesn’t love me any more. But, there is more to that story than I am willing to write; it is not completely my fault I feel that way sometimes. He has some less than desirable habits that really just offend me to the core of my moral being.


As for social relationships, they stayed more or less intact although they have cooled a bit. However, many of my friends are married, they have children, and normal lives.


So, in order to avoid all the misery I have put myself through and/or been put through, if you feel something is not right with you, you do not feel like your self, and the feelings last for more than two or three weeks and you aren’t “coming out of it” or “getting over it,” it is time to consider seeking help before you wreck your life like I did, and am constantly on the verge of doing. I just cannot help myself sometimes. I get these thoughts that just do not go away. If you are having the same issue, go get help. If you feel you fit any of the criteria above, by all means get thee to a therapist with all haste before everything you’ve built for yourself comes crashing down before your eyes, and you can not do a damn thing to stop it. It freaking sucks to have that happen, because then you have to start all over again, and sometimes there just isn’t a whole lot of time to do that.