Feeling a Little Bipolar Today

This has been a weird day from the moment I woke up. First, I realized that my husband had slept on the sofa again for the second or third night this week. So, that made me curious and slightly sad. I do not know why he has taken to sleeping on the sofa. He wakes up in the middle of the night, he could come to bed, but he doesn’t then he complains about how uncomfortable the couch is to sleep on. Well, the bed is comfy. So, I do not know what is up with that. Maybe it is because after a comment he made about my ability to “turn on” an older man, I have cut him and my sex drive off. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be close to me. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, because I can sleep all over the bed. (Or, at least that is what I am telling myself to keep from having some flight of fancy). Secondly, I feel very quiet and somewhat depressed about something I cannot put a finger on. Maybe I had an odd dream, because I woke up mildly depressed today. And, quiet is not something that I normally am, but I simply do not feel like talking at length today. The occasional “hi” to a neighbor or the lady at the post office is fine, but I want human interaction like I want the plague today.

 

I do not know why these moods occur. Especially when it does not seem that they have any sort of trigger like they normally do. Usually something happens or is said or is done that sets me off; either angry or sad or depressed. But this feeling seems to have no basis. I just feel “off” today. I am not happy with anything, I am sad about everything, I am mildly depressed about my life and how certain aspects of it are going or not going which is more accurate. I know I am suffering from PMS, and that always makes the BP worse. 

I am just not excited or hopeful about anything today. I cannot see a future for my marriage, I cannot see a future for my life, I just cannot see a point to anything today. It all seems to me to be just difficult. My marriage is falling apart, my mind is in one of it’s “stable madness” states, I really want to go back to school, but every time I have tried in the last two years, I have failed. Maybe that’s how I am feeling today. Like a failure. There was a time in my life when I could support myself by working not by getting Social Security Disability. I do not consider myself “disabled” just slightly impaired. It is gorgeous outside today, and even the sunshine seems like cold light. This sucks. I hate it when I feel like crying about everything that has happened, is happening, or could happen. I do not like not feeling optimistic about something. I am not a negative person by nature. I can find positive in almost anything except when the moods hit.

 

Maybe I am just growing increasingly apathetic about life, and its ability to change for the better. My husband and I are supposed to be in marriage counseling, but they are still just seeing him and not the both of us which I do not understand. Things are not getting better, they are getting worse. We do not talk, we spend the days at our respective computers in different rooms. He wanted his space. I gave it to him. Nothing is going as I planned it. I was supposed to have a PhD in something by now. I am almost 41, and I have accomplished nothing with my life. My life feels wasted on me, like it should have been given to someone who would do something with it. I certainly do not know what I am supposed to be doing. I want to get a Master’s in counseling so I can help people because that seems to be my main mission in life is helping people. At least that is somewhat noble. But, I do not know that I have the wherewithal to even do that. I hate this. I wish it would just go away, and I would be “normal” like everyone else, not struggling every day, day in and day out. I am getting tired. Mentally not physically. I am mentally tired of doing battle against these freaking moods every single day. I am tired of acting cheerful when I have to deal with the public. I am tired of lying and saying everything is fine, because it is NOT okay. It is far from okay. Oh well, I guess I should put on my game face and go run some errands. Okay, working on putting on costume of normalcy. Maybe tomorrow will be better.