This is Getting Old and I am Getting Tired

He’s done it again. It is 5:30 or so in the morning, and he is sound asleep on the couch. If he’s going to sleep there, I do not understand why he doesn’t just pull it out. It has a bed in it. At least then he’ll be able to stretch out. I do not know what to make of this. This will be about the 4th night he has fallen asleep watching TV, woken up and chosen to sleep on the sofa this week. Maybe, it is the illness having flights of fancy, but this seems odd to me. Its like I have some infectious disease, and if he sleeps in the bed with me, he’ll get it too. Well, I can assure him that Manic Depression is not catching this season.

My marriage is falling apart, and I do not know what to do about it. Clearly, he has no desire to touch me, and it is becoming clear that he has no desire to even be near me. And, he had the stupidity to ask me the other day if I was planning on leaving?! All because I had a telephone conversation and closed my door to be private about it? And this from the man who won’t even sleep in the same bed with me.

At this point, we haven’t even started couples therapy, and already it seems like we’ve both just given up on this relationship. I do not even know why we wear rings. It is obvious to me that he doesn’t take his vows seriously. I thought I did, but maybe, I didn’t either.

I really wish he would stop sleeping on the couch, and just come to bed when he wakes up because he is uncomfortable. He already made it pretty clear to me that I do not “turn him on.” So, he doesn’t have to worry about my getting romantic on him, but it is abnormal for couples not to share a bed. My Dad’s parents didn’t even share a room let alone a bed. Maybe that is why there is a 14 year gap between him and his older sister. And he turned out to be a cold, undemonstrative person. My Mom’s parents , on the other hand, slept in the same double bed for their entire marriage. All 49 years of it. My Dad’s parents were married for 70 years when my Grandmother passed away. I can’t even stay married successfully for three.

He is now in the process of making a collection of “erotic” photos. I have seen them. From what I can see, he wants an older woman. By that I mean older than myself. Most of the photos looked to be of women in their late 50s. I am going to be 41 in about a month and 1/2. I guess I can’t get him all hot and bothered if that is the type of woman he wants. I am too young, and there is nothing I can do about that. And, he kept marveling the whole time about how many older women have tattoos which makes me think that he finds mine unattractive because that was the general kernel of information I took away from his amazement. He also kept commenting on the piercings these women have. Maybe he finds my piercings unattractive as well. Hell, he may find the whole of me unattractive for all I know. I mean, he is sleeping on the couch these days.

So, maybe that’s it. Maybe the relationship is over. Couples share a bed, but they don’t when it is ending or ended. It is pretty simple. It is not rocket science. I watched my parents do it while they were separating. My mom bought a twin bed for what used to be my room, and she slept there while my dad slept in the master bedroom. Once my dad moved out, she returned to the master bedroom. Then several months later, they were divorced. That seems to be what is happening here. He is sleeping on the couch, and I am sleeping in the master bedroom. Alone. All I know is that it is getting old. If he wants a woman that is older than me, he should go find one, and leave me alone to get on with my life. I do not think I am ever going to try marriage again though. Its just one more thing I have failed at, and I do not need a second one to fuck up. I apparently have done a perfectly good job of losing this one.

Oh great, now he’s up. My quiet, can believe this whole life is a nightmare time is over. Now, I have to come back to reality, and realize that this life is a nightmare. Now I have to realize that this relationship has tanked, and it really is over. He just told me that this sofa thing is getting ridiculous. Who the fuck does he think he is fooling, me or himself? He’s the dumb fuck who keeps sleeping on the couch despite the fact that I know he wakes up a lot, and could come to bed. This is a bloody nightmare. He does not see what is happening. He is kidding himself into believing that this is not a sign that the relationship is ending. Sleeping in separate quarters is almost always a sign the relationship is on its way out unless one partner snores really loud, and the other partner isn’t getting any sleep. That would be a legitimate reason for sleeping separately.

I am simply tired of the charade. Either it is time to go to counseling or it is time to call it quits. But, the nice folks down at the counseling center want him to continue with one on one sessions. By the time they get around to marriage counseling, there will be no marriage to counsel. It will be over. I am tired of the separate sleeping arrangement that seems to becoming the norm. I am tired of pretending that we are in love with each other, and that everything will work itself out. That is a little girl’s fantasy. I am all grown up, and can tell when something is going away. But, for me, it always goes away. People leave me, relationships die, I lose my jobs, I fail at my attempts to return to school. Everything goes away in the end. Always. So, I do not know why I am surprised at this little girl’s hope that this won’t follow the same pattern. I just feel so tired. I feel empty.