Neil Young ~ Cinnamon Girl

Creep ~ Radiohead

Creep ~ By Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You’re so fucking special

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here

I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I’m not around
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here

She’s running out the door
She’s running
She run, run, run, run
Run

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You’re so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here

Digging Deeper Into The Depths That Is My Mind

Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night. Oil on canvas, 73×92 cm, 28¾×36¼ in. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just got one of the books I had ordered from one of my favorite used book stores. It is a book of writing prompts, and one of the suggestions for April was to dig deeper into the emotional content of what you are writing about. I have, like many other writer’s, always been afraid of the emotions behind what I am writing about, in this case Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder. Reading that passage made me realize that I have never really expressed my feeling about having this condition, my suicide attempts, my numerous hospitalizations, and the things I have done to others while either depressed or manic (which has not occurred in many years, either fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), since I am usually suffering and operating with a low grade depression, I would very much like to experience mania again, but only for a short time, any longer than a couple of days and it gets scary.

So, today, I am going to dig deeper into my feelings and emotional response to this disease. First of all, the diagnosis hits you like a Mack truck, knocking all the wind out of you, and making you feel like life as you have experienced it is over. Well, the truth is, your life as you have known it is over. Because now you have a deep, dark secret that you have to hide from so-called “normal” people, and that is exhausting; trying to pretend you feel fine when you really want to hide under the bed, or you have this need to just talk and talk and talk about anything and everything. It is called “pressured speech” and occurs during a manic episode. Or, you have spent all your money on something and somethings that you really don’t need, and now you cannot pay rent or bills because your next disability check doesn’t come until the next month.

That’s another thing about this disorder; it is classified as a disability and makes you eligible to get Social Security Disability Insurance. I honestly do not know how I feel about living on SSDI. Sometimes I think it is okay, because I really can’t work full time due to stress triggering some type of episode be it manic, depressive, or mixed (manic and depressed at the same time), other times, I think to myself, I am stable. Let someone more deserving and needful of this money get it; and then I’ll have some type of episode that proves to me that I cannot handle full time work.

Or I will try our local Department of Vocational Rehabilitation, and they’ll put me at Goodwill sorting clothes, talk about mind numbing, my mind has to have something active to engage it, to provoke it, to keep it thinking and learning. Sorting clothes is not engaging, thought provoking, problem solving or learning, it is a mind killing activity. I had a major depressive episode while working there primarily because my skill set was not being used at all (I am highly computer literate, know and/or can learn on the fly most software packages, I have worked in Benefits Administration, Payroll Processing, let’s just say I have a lot of different skills acquired over many years), and I was sorting clothes. For the love of everything, I was sorting clothes! I could not believe that this was the only thing they could have me doing. I mean, this was me, highly intelligent, computer literate, highly skilled in  office/administrative personnel. And, they had me sorting clothes! I could not believe it…. I felt so utterly depressed that this was the only work the DVR could find for me, that I became very despondent, and as a result, called in until I just quit. Sorting clothes was, I felt, beneath me. I am highly intelligent, computer literate, Internet savvy, and an expert user of every version of Microsoft Office and Windows. This job was beneath me, but it paid me some money. Not as much as I am worth, but something. It made me angry at the DVR, at Goodwill, and most of all, at this freaking disorder. I was really angry with the fact that I had this disorder. I was in a “why me” state; which inevitably will lead to depression. For some reason, depression in me expresses itself frequently as anger at anything that is unfortunate to cross my path, and I have been this way since I was a teenager.

Speaking of depressive episodes, this disorder frequently presents initially in the mid to late teens, and in females, especially, as a major depressive episode. Mine started when I was 14, and I have never been completely free of them. I remember the summer I turned 16, I was so miserable but did not realize it until I washed a bottle of aspirin down my throat; I had thought about suicide since I was about 10, and that is not normal. It took me 6 years to work up the cowardice to try to take my life. I remember listening to Metallica’s “Fade to Black” over and over again, and finally deciding that since there was nothing else in the house to take, I would swallow a bottle of aspirin; I have since learned first hand that this is a very effective way to take your life, it is called salicylic acid poisoning and it will stop your heart, and you will be dead. Well, I freaked out about what I had done, and began to try to throw the pills up. I couldn’t and I became even more frantic that I get the aspirin out of my system, so I swallowed what little pride I had left, and called my best friend to tell her that I needed to go to the Emergency Room as I had swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin. This was also shortly after I had convinced the shrink my parents sent me to see that I was fine now, thank you, and that I no longer was in need of his services. Apparently, I was wrong. The good folks at the ERshoved a tube up my nose (very painful, kind of like shoving a marble up a nostril) and pumped my stomach, and then filled it with activated charcoal to absorb whatever was left. I am not sure how I feel about what I did that day to my friends and family. Shame possibly. Guilt certainly, and a certain amount of irritation that I couldn’t go through with it.

Whipping Post ~ The Allman Brothers Band (Sometimes a Song Says It Better Than You Can)

As A Bipolar Gemini, I Really Do Not Need As Much Feedback As I Have Been Getting

Quite honestly, I have Bipolar, not brain damage. I am also a Gemini, the so-called schizophrenic of the Zodiac. So, I figure, Bipolar is 2 and Gemini is 2. Therefore I have 4 people running around in my head doing laps. Fast laps. The Adderall that is supposed to keep my brain calm has nothing on flight of ideas when it decides to happen. It will not hold my brain still. I feel like it is jiggling. Everyone has an opinion about the car, especially my husband, because he relies on it so much. He does not seem to understand why my mother and I have decided to have it towed from here to Albuquerque. I swear to all that is holy, the car has no front brakes and a doughnut spare on the back driver’s side. Albuquerque is 35 miles away, I already did more damage than was necessary driving home on last Sunday.  Not to mention the fact that it HAS NO front braking capacity. If I had to brake hard, I would hit whatever was in front of me and total out the car. Does that really sound like a better plan than calling AAA for a tow?!?! I feel so loved sometimes.

So, I am cranky and irritable because I have screwed up sleeping patterns for some reason, I have a broken car that, thankfully, my mother is willing to help me fix, I have my mother, my father, and the 4 of me telling me I need a job. I think that the 4 of me know that, and I do not need more feedback on that subject. I have $20.00 to my name as I had to pay for my cell, and the cable internet went down this morning due to lack of payment, so I paid that and now my checking is going to be messed up. I think I have enough problems to last a couple of weeks at least. I just do not need anymore feedback. My brain cannot handle it, and it is making me angry. I do not like be cranky and angry and tired.

Maybe, I’ll take the Seroquel early and go to sleep. Then my brain will shut up for a few hours, and I won’t have to sit there and listen to my husband telling me everything we need to buy with what little money I have. I think for someone his age, with all the life experience he keeps telling me he has that I do not have that he would understand I just paid $220.00 worth of bills, and something is going to bounce. Oh, I hate feeling like this. All mania on one hand, and all depression on the other. I feel like screaming and crying, but mostly I feel like sleeping. Then everything will be calm for a bit.

Treatment of and Medications for Bipolar Disorder

To date, there are no known cures for Manic Depression, but there are a large number of medical and alternative treatments. Because this is a chronic and recurring illness, most people with the disorder are going to require long term, possibly lifetime treatment. Treatment typically consists of medication and psychotherapy or talk therapy. Most talk therapy is of the Cognitive Behavioral type which aims to change the patient’s way of thinking and behaviors. However, I would like to add that I believe a firm faith or spiritual grounding in a religion that suits you personally is equally as important as the medication and therapy. It has been my experience that practicing Nichiren Buddhism in addition to medication and psychotherapy has helped me to remain stable for a lot longer than previous to my becoming Buddhist about 3 1/2 years ago. 

Medication: Usually prescribed by a psychiatrist. Also very tricky to find the right combination of medications for each individual case. What works very well for me may turn out to be your worst nightmare, and vice versa. Medication is very individual and specific. It is important to find a psychiatrist that is good with medication, and is not into over-medicating.

“Mood Stabilizers” are usually the first drugs of choice. Patients will typically stay on mood stabilizers for years.

1. Lithium (also known as Eskalith or Lithobid) was the first of the mood stabilizers to be approved by the FDA in the 1970’s, and is still very common today as a first line medication for stabilizing mood. It is generally prescribed for preventing mania, but also works on depression. It is highly effective at preventing recurrences of manic and depressive episodes. The only drawback is the monthly blood level checks to make sure you are in between about a 0.6 and 0.9. Any higher than 1.0, and your body will become toxic, and any lower than 0.6, and you might as well take a sugar pill. It is also important to have renal system functioning tested monthly. Side effects of Lithium can include: Restlessness, Dry Mouth, Bloating/Indigestion, Acne, Unusual Discomfort to Cold Temperatures, Joint or muscle pain, Brittle hair and nails. If you have these or any other extremely bothersome side effects, contact your doctor immediately.
2. Depakote (Valproic Acid or divalproex sodium) is the other first line mood stabilizer. It was approved in 1995 for the treatment of mania. It is an alternative for those who cannot take Lithium. In my experience, Depakote just sucks as a mood stabilizer. I gained 40 pounds in the two months I was on it, and I slept all day, lost two jobs to being late constantly. No wonder my mood was stable: I was comatose.
3. Anti-convulsants: Although designed to treat seizure disorders, many in this class of medication are used as mood stabilizers. They include gabapentin (Neurotin), topiramate (Topamax), oxcarbazepine (Trileptal). Most recently, the FDA approved lamotrigine (Lamictal) for the treatment of Bipolar Disorder.

Depakote, Lamictal and other anticonvulsant medications tend to increase suicidal ideation in some patients so it is important to closely monitor people on these medications for any changes in thought or behavior, new or worsening symptoms of depression, suicidal thoughts or behavior,  or any unusual changes in mood or behavior. People taking Lamictal are also cautioned against the development of a rash that may become life threatening (Steven-Johnson’s Syndrome).

Lithium also can affect thyroid functioning especially in rapid cycling women. Both low and high levels af thyroid hormone can change energy and mood , it is important to monitor these levels as well. This may lead to taking Thyroid medication in addition to the bipolar medications.

“Atypical Antipsychotics” are also sometimes used in the treatment of Bipolar Disorder. They are often combined with other medications. They are called “Atypical” to set them apart from the earlier medications in this class which are called “first generation” or “conventional” antipsychotics.

1. Zyprexa when given with an anti-depressant medication can be effective in relieving symptoms of severe mania or psychosis. It is also available in injectable form which will put a quick stop to a manic episode or psychosis. People taking Zyprexa may gain weight and increase their risk of diabetes and heart disease. These side effects are more common than with the other “atypicals”.
2. Abilify is approved for the treatment of manic or mixed episodes. It is also used as a maintenance drug following a severe or sudden episode. It can also be injected to quickly control the symptoms of a manic or mixed episode.
3. Seroquel also relieves the symptoms of severe and sudden manic episodes. In 2006, the FDA approved its use for depressive episodes as well.

Risperidone and Geodon are examples of other “atypical ” antipsychotics that may be prescribed for a Bipolar patient.

“Anti-depressants” are sometimes used in combination with a mood stabilizer to control to treat symptoms of depression in bipolar disorder. Generally, this is because anti-depressants alone can often cause “switching” in which the patient becomes manic or hypomanic or rapid cycling.  A recent NIMH study found that adding an anti-depressant is sometimes no more effective than a mood stabilizer alone. Prozac, Paxil, and Wellbutrin are examples of anti-depressants that may be prescribed for Bipolar patients.

People taking medications for Bipolar Disorder should not suddenly stop taking their medication. This can lead to a worsening of symptoms and potentially uncomfortable or dangerous withdrawal effects. Patients taking anti-depressants should be monitored for the first few weeks of treatment. Potential side effects include worsening of depression, suicidal thoughts or behavior, trouble sleeping, agitation or withdrawal from normal activities. Generally, anti-depressants are not prescribed for people under the age of 18. 

Side-Effects

1. Mood Stabilizers: Drowsiness, Dizziness, Headache, Diarrhea, Constipation, Heartburn, Mood Swings, Stuffed or runny nose, other Cold-like symptoms
2. Antipsychotics: Drowsiness, Dizziness when changing position, Blurred Vision, Rapid Heart Beat, Sun Sensitivity, Skin Rashes, Menstrual Problems in women. People taking antipsychotics are prone to weight gain which may increase the chance of developing diabetes and high cholesterol. Patients on these medications should be monitored for lipid levels, weight and glucose levels. In rare cases, long term us is associated with a condition known as Tardive Dyskinesia which causes uncontrollable muscle movements most commonly affecting the mouth. These symptoms may be permanent, or they may improve once the patient is taken off the medication.
3. Anti-depressants : Headache, Nausea, Sleep problems, Agitation, Sexual problems (men and women) including decreased drive and enjoyment of sex. These side effects generally go away after a few weeks. Some of these medications cause more problems than others, however your doctor or pharmacist should be able to explain the differences in medications.

I Had An Interesting Morning

Ever been in a car when the sidewall of a tire decides to blow at 75 mph? It’s a very interesting feeling. The whole car starts to shake madly as if it has developed a seizure disorder quite suddenly, you smell burning rubber, and then realize that somehow you have to cross 4 lanes of Easter Morning traffic on the expressway. While doing 30 mph because you are not quite sure what has happened. It is lots of fun. I highly recommend it. Not!

What happens while you are smelling burning rubber and the car is shaking like mad is your life flashes before your eyes which sucks because you need to be able to see to navigate the four lanes of heavy traffic, and your car just does not respond to the steering wheel like it used to. So much for their little love affair. You get off the expressway as soon as possible, and as slowly as possible. You pull into the first parking lot you find, and you call the people you were supposed to be meeting with and tell them you are not going to make it as you have to jack up your car, and put on the “doughnut” sized spare that comes with most cars. However, I would like to thank the inventor of both the doughnut sized spare, and the cell phone. Both inventors came in very handy today. You call your mother to tell her you just had a near death experience. Everyone calls someone when they have near death experiences. I think it is human nature.

Now, I need four new tires (not cheap), and my front brakes are going out. But, I am alive, and that is good. However, I now have to figure out how to get these new tires and brakes. And, they have to be disc brakes which cost more to fix than front brakes. I am just hoping that the passenger side front brake is not destroying the rotor. That would be very bad. Very bad, and expensive too. Four new tires already cost $300. Which I do not have. I am going to have to work a deal with my mom. I really hate that. It is embarrassing at my age. Oh well, there are worse things, I know.

This is Getting Old and I am Getting Tired

He’s done it again. It is 5:30 or so in the morning, and he is sound asleep on the couch. If he’s going to sleep there, I do not understand why he doesn’t just pull it out. It has a bed in it. At least then he’ll be able to stretch out. I do not know what to make of this. This will be about the 4th night he has fallen asleep watching TV, woken up and chosen to sleep on the sofa this week. Maybe, it is the illness having flights of fancy, but this seems odd to me. Its like I have some infectious disease, and if he sleeps in the bed with me, he’ll get it too. Well, I can assure him that Manic Depression is not catching this season.

My marriage is falling apart, and I do not know what to do about it. Clearly, he has no desire to touch me, and it is becoming clear that he has no desire to even be near me. And, he had the stupidity to ask me the other day if I was planning on leaving?! All because I had a telephone conversation and closed my door to be private about it? And this from the man who won’t even sleep in the same bed with me.

At this point, we haven’t even started couples therapy, and already it seems like we’ve both just given up on this relationship. I do not even know why we wear rings. It is obvious to me that he doesn’t take his vows seriously. I thought I did, but maybe, I didn’t either.

I really wish he would stop sleeping on the couch, and just come to bed when he wakes up because he is uncomfortable. He already made it pretty clear to me that I do not “turn him on.” So, he doesn’t have to worry about my getting romantic on him, but it is abnormal for couples not to share a bed. My Dad’s parents didn’t even share a room let alone a bed. Maybe that is why there is a 14 year gap between him and his older sister. And he turned out to be a cold, undemonstrative person. My Mom’s parents , on the other hand, slept in the same double bed for their entire marriage. All 49 years of it. My Dad’s parents were married for 70 years when my Grandmother passed away. I can’t even stay married successfully for three.

Feeling a Little Bipolar Today

This has been a weird day from the moment I woke up. First, I realized that my husband had slept on the sofa again for the second or third night this week. So, that made me curious and slightly sad. I do not know why he has taken to sleeping on the sofa. He wakes up in the middle of the night, he could come to bed, but he doesn’t then he complains about how uncomfortable the couch is to sleep on. Well, the bed is comfy. So, I do not know what is up with that. Maybe it is because after a comment he made about my ability to “turn on” an older man, I have cut him and my sex drive off. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be close to me. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, because I can sleep all over the bed. (Or, at least that is what I am telling myself to keep from having some flight of fancy). Secondly, I feel very quiet and somewhat depressed about something I cannot put a finger on. Maybe I had an odd dream, because I woke up mildly depressed today. And, quiet is not something that I normally am, but I simply do not feel like talking at length today. The occasional “hi” to a neighbor or the lady at the post office is fine, but I want human interaction like I want the plague today.

 

I do not know why these moods occur. Especially when it does not seem that they have any sort of trigger like they normally do. Usually something happens or is said or is done that sets me off; either angry or sad or depressed. But this feeling seems to have no basis. I just feel “off” today. I am not happy with anything, I am sad about everything, I am mildly depressed about my life and how certain aspects of it are going or not going which is more accurate. I know I am suffering from PMS, and that always makes the BP worse. 

I am just not excited or hopeful about anything today. I cannot see a future for my marriage, I cannot see a future for my life, I just cannot see a point to anything today. It all seems to me to be just difficult. My marriage is falling apart, my mind is in one of it’s “stable madness” states, I really want to go back to school, but every time I have tried in the last two years, I have failed. Maybe that’s how I am feeling today. Like a failure. There was a time in my life when I could support myself by working not by getting Social Security Disability. I do not consider myself “disabled” just slightly impaired. It is gorgeous outside today, and even the sunshine seems like cold light. This sucks. I hate it when I feel like crying about everything that has happened, is happening, or could happen. I do not like not feeling optimistic about something. I am not a negative person by nature. I can find positive in almost anything except when the moods hit.

 

Maybe I am just growing increasingly apathetic about life, and its ability to change for the better. My husband and I are supposed to be in marriage counseling, but they are still just seeing him and not the both of us which I do not understand. Things are not getting better, they are getting worse. We do not talk, we spend the days at our respective computers in different rooms. He wanted his space. I gave it to him. Nothing is going as I planned it. I was supposed to have a PhD in something by now. I am almost 41, and I have accomplished nothing with my life. My life feels wasted on me, like it should have been given to someone who would do something with it. I certainly do not know what I am supposed to be doing. I want to get a Master’s in counseling so I can help people because that seems to be my main mission in life is helping people. At least that is somewhat noble. But, I do not know that I have the wherewithal to even do that. I hate this. I wish it would just go away, and I would be “normal” like everyone else, not struggling every day, day in and day out. I am getting tired. Mentally not physically. I am mentally tired of doing battle against these freaking moods every single day. I am tired of acting cheerful when I have to deal with the public. I am tired of lying and saying everything is fine, because it is NOT okay. It is far from okay. Oh well, I guess I should put on my game face and go run some errands. Okay, working on putting on costume of normalcy. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I Wish My Husband Would Learn More About My Illness

I really wish that my husband would bother to take the time to learn some of the clinical information about Manic Depressive Illness. He has had two previous bipolar girlfriends, and he feels that his experience with these two women has taught about bipolar. No, it really hasn’t. It has taught him a lot about the negative side of the illness, but not that there are ways of managing the disorder so that you ca have healthy relationships with people who have bipolar.

He describes one of these women as classic white trash (and I am being compared to that), and the other one as a “woe is me” type. In other words, everything she wanted to do with her life was crushed by the diagnosis so that she could not do anything of substance. She also promised him that she had it “under control.” Bipolar is never under control; it is managed through well balanced medication, cognitive behavioral therapy, and in my opinion, a firm grounding in some form of spiritual faith. So, I am being “compared” to two different bipolars, and to me that just isn’t right.

I have my own unique manifestations, my own unique triggers, my own unique moods, and my own unique ways of managing the illness (which sometimes gets away from me). So, for him to say that he knows all about bipolar disorder is erroneous. When I was first diagnosed with bipolar type I, I did all the research I could to try to understand what was happening to me, and what to expect. I read memoirs, I read scientific studies, I read coping books, anything I could get my hands on. Because I cannot battle something I do not understand. So, it was absolutely vital that I understand this illness, because otherwise, it was going to eat me alive. I have a really hard time being compared to these other two women. I am not trailer trash (I grew up upper middle class and have upper middle class values), I am not a “woe is me, why did this happen to me” type. I mean, I have my days where I wonder what I did to deserve this, but I do not think of myself as impaired by it. I can lead a normal life.

Which is why I wish my husband would just take some time and fucking learn about this illness. Sorry for the profanity, but it really irritates me that he thinks he knows all about this illness because of his experience with these two, maybe three other women. All of who are not me. I am intelligent, I have a college degree in Sociology and Psychology with a 3.9 average in my major, I do not think that there is anything I cannot do because of this, it just makes life a little interesting sometimes.

This would be why I would like my husband to learn about this illness from reliable sources (not women he has known, they are not me, and it makes me angry that he compares me to them, in the first place), I would like him to learn the clinical symptoms, how to recognize when an episode may be starting and for us to work out a plan to stop the episode, figure out what my triggers are and what his are, and make a list so we can see when a trigger has been activated, find ways of dealing with the illness when it is active (because much of the time, it is dormant, and if I am angry, it is ME that is angry, not the illness), I think he would stop chalking so much of my behavior up to the illness (which bugs the fuck out of me. I am Jennifer, I am NOT bipolar, I have bipolar, for fuck’s sake!!!!!!!! Big difference, I also have adult ADD, but I am NOT adult ADD, nor would he ever think so), so I just chalk all his misconceptions about bipolar people to his complete and utter lack of knowledge. And, his lack of desire to learn.