A Stable Madness

Having Manic Depression takes a special skill set. You have to have the ability to appear completely normal on the outside, and completely and privately mad on the inside. The reason I say this is because people are very leery of mental illness even if it is organic and has a medical cause. That, and medication can really only do so much towards treating symptoms. You will always have symptoms. It just matters to what degree those symptoms are manifest. You are never in control of this disease. You manage it, or it controls you. One of the two. There is no middle ground of Elysian fields. You are either manic, depressed or both at the same time. I tend toward being both at the same time with occasional bouts of pure, soul- searing depression. So, this is why I say it takes a very special set of skills to appear normal to people, to function, and be productive.

These skills develop over time. You will not acquire them right away, and you will not always be able to hide the internal madness. Mine happens to manifest itself in buying more used books than anyone can read, and taking on new creative art projects with a zeal not normally seen in “normal” people. It is the only symptom of the maelstrom that is my brain that people who know me well ever really see. Well, that and the more than occasional temper tantrum. However, upon first meeting me, you will find a charming, talkative, friendly, and bubbly person. Only people very close to me know the “darker” side that is always present and waiting to come out and play. Most people only see the friendly and bubbly person which is not to say that is not me also. Because it is. It is me apart from the illness. The dark me that gets paranoid ideas, hears things, and throws fits over things, that’s the illness. They are quite separate from one another both in appearance and entity. The trick is to only allow certain people see the “healthy” side of you. My manias are not so damaging. I’ll spend 20 bucks on used books, I’ll decide to write a short story (which I fully intend on doing), I’ll paint fantastic artwork (not that the art itself is fantastic, but the subject matter is), I’ll write for hours on end. Things like that.

The writing helps. I do advise all people to journal their lives, especially if you have a mental illness. You can tell a journal things that you wouldn’t want anyone else to ever hear or see. This is one skill I employ frequently, especially when stressed. Journaling. Another skill I have developed as an addition to medication is the practice of Nichiren Buddhism. I find that it is very centering and grounding. I tend to be less up and down when I am practicing than when I am not. Otherwise, I surf the sine wave. Up and down, up and down. And then the crash, up and way down. And then the hospital. Ick! Having a doctor that is good with medication is a good thing to have on hand. That can keep the bubbly you around. A good therapist is vital as well. So, threefold wall against bipolar: solid faith in a spiritual belief system, good psychiatrists, and a good therapist, and you are all set to face the world. You have achieved the stable madness