I am so disappointed……..

1212mentalhealth-RW (Photo credit: Robbie Wroblewski)

……. I guess that’s what you’d call it. It is part sadness, part hurt, and part confusion. I guess that equals disappointment. I don’t know. All I do know is that I feel this ache deep in my soul for something better than I currently have. I have this yearning for someone to really love me, and just me for who I am, how I look, what I think. I do not think this is too much to ask. I thought I had found it, but now I realize it was all smoke and mirrors. I think I did have it once, but I threw that away for where I am at now. And where I am not is not healthy for me. I had a man who loved me for me, and all of my quirks and eccentricities. I did not have to walk on eggshells with this man. But he was so patient and kind to me. He never did anything to hurt me, ever. I do not think he had it in him to hurt me in any way.

But, I traded what was probably the truest love of my life for a man who refuses to learn about bipolar illness, but would rather rely on previous experience with two other bipolar women. He thinks we are all the same. None of us are like the other. Just because we share a common disorder does not mean that we are all the same. We are all different, we manifest differently, we all present with more of some symptoms and less of others. He continues to do things to hurt me emotionally, he is verbally abusive, he does not know how to truly love a person with all their flaws be they from a mental illness or they are just eccentric. I feel like he expects that everyone be like him. He thinks he can walk six inches off the ground. He is so egotistical and self centered that he can’t see the forest for the trees. He thinks everything is okay the way it is. Status quo and all. As long as he gets what he wants, he is happy.

When I “act” up (i.e. express an opinion or talk to him about something that is bothering me), he chalks it up to the manic depression. Can he not see that I am not always way up and way down? I have to remind him when discussing something unpleasant like bills that this is not the” Bipolar me” that is talking to him. That it is a pissed off adult who cannot understand why he has decided to stop paying bills, for example. He pays rent, and that is it. He doesn’t cover his half of the electric, gas, water, trash, phone, and cable bills at all. I have had to ask my mother for rent money, gas money, stuff for the cats (which she suggested yesterday I get rid of because I asked once for money to buy food and litter).  I make a little over $900 a month, he get about $100 more than I do monthly. He has no reason to not pay his share of the bills. In fat, he is in a better position than I am to do so. But, he is more than happy to think that my mom will bail us out.

She’ll help me out of this marriage if that is what it takes, but I can tell, she thinks he is a loser. My grandmother upon meeting him had to say only a few words, “You take good care of her.” He hasn’t. He has provided food, but comfort and love are completely absent in this marriage. So, is respect. Because of some of the online activities that he chooses to partake in, I have absolutely no respect for him whatsoever. I cannot respect another individual who has no respect for me. And, he has no respect for me, or he wouldn’t participate in his little “diversions” as he calls them. He spends more time on these dalliances than he does with me. He goes into his little office/room, and stays there all day and all night. I sleep at night, he sleeps during the day. Pretty convenient if you do not want to deal with the reality of life.

What he doesn’t realize is that his choice not to spend money to pay his share of the bills every month is about to manifest itself as no gas (we have gas hot water, stove and oven), no electricity (no TV, no Internet), no trash pickup, no water (even of it is cold). I am going to pay my half so I cannot say that I didn’t try to keep these things from happening. He lost his storage locker because he made the choice not to pay the monthly fee, he is going to get sued or have his check garnished by a state he lived in because he made the choice not to continue to pay them. These things affect only him. But, his decision to put himself first over everything including our monthly living expenses has an effect on me and has ramifications for me. It is not just him that this choice affects like the others.

I cannot believe I gave up a man who truly did love me for this. This is nearly unbearable. I am going to have to start looking for an apartment because I have no intention of remaining here with him once the lease runs out. Not unless some things around here change drastically. I am not saying it is just him, I have my own changes to make as well. It takes two to fuck everything up, it takes two to fix it and make it work, and so far, I have been doing all the fixing and the work. But then again, I have done my fair share of fucking up, too.  I am just so disappointed. I used to have a life with friends, stuff to do, people to see and meet, I had a man who loved me with all his heart. Boy, did I really screw up this time. Almost as dumb as starting to smoke in my teens, and I count that as the number one dumbest thing I ever did. That should tell ya something. Anyway, enough whining for now.

Bipolar Moments

It would seem that over the last several weeks, I have been having a series of bipolar moments. My general m.o. when I start to cycle is to want to hide in a cave and stay there until I die. Or, I just want to sleep because how can a person be depressed about anything when they are asleep. I mean, yes, your subconscious mind will find new and interesting things for you to do and places to visit. But, on the upside, sometimes you can see people you haven’t seen in ages. That’s always pretty cool. 

What is not cool is the fact that I am cycling. Which means I am depressed, but with little touches of manic spurts thrown in for good measure (if it doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger; at least that’s what they say). I hate cycling with a purple passion. I cannot cycle like a “normal” bipolar and be just manic or just depressed. No, I get to be both at once. First you find yourself crying over nothing. And, I do mean NOTHING! There’s no reason to be crying. But, there I am crying like someone just killed my kitten.Then I also get irritated very easily, and everything seems to be standing in work boots on my last nerve. Not a good time to talk to me, or ask me what is wrong because I will tell you. I have a mouth-brain disconnect during these cycles.

My husband is currently not talking to me because he made the mistake of asking me what was wrong this morning. I have held this particular set of feelings back for quite some time now. You can imagine what happened. I didn’t yell, scream, kick my feet or throw a tantrum, but I did explain what was wrong in no uncertain terms. He hasn’t talked to me since. I have no idea why he hasn’t; all I did was explain that I cannot keep asking my mother to pay the rent because I am paying all the utility bills trying to keep us with TV to watch, gas to cook with, you know all those essential “amenities.” I must have said something the wrong way. I guess, it isn’t like it doesn’t happen every single day of my life. And to make things worse, I am a Nichiren Buddhist who believes in the law of Cause and Effect. You make a cause, and the effect will manifest either right away or at a time when you least expect it. So, I must have made a bad cause this morning, because the effect has been silence. Not my fault, he asked.

I have even had a mental health care professional explain to him that while I can manage this illness, I really do not have control of my emotions. He still refuses to read anything that would lead to greater understanding of this illness. He says I put my illness first, then my cats, then he comes in third. I do not know where he got that idea, but yes, in order to remain well, the illness must be dealt with daily. If  I do not keep a vigilant watch over this creature, there will be no relationship, although I do feel vibes from him that maybe he is starting to move in that direction. Won’t be the first. It will hurt more because I love him enough to have married him, and still do.

I do not know where this comes from. I wish the general public and researchers would take mental illness more seriously instead of just saying that we are crazy. Because we are not crazy, we have medically treatable problems that make life more challenging for us, and those around us. I just think that if more people were aware of the effects of the more common mental health issues affecting millions of Americans and people worldwide, there would be more research into the causes of these illnesses. I am not alone in this. I have millions of people who are just like me; having problems at work, with personal relationships, with mood swings, and many other symptoms. I can deal with having trouble in the workforce, I can deal with the mood swings, the irritation, the agitation, but I do not think that I would handle the loss of another relationship very well. There have already been too many.

You just have to love those bipolar moments. They are so not worth the inevitable crash. And, when you do crash, the depression bites in with fangs, and will not let you go. It just shakes you around like a rag doll until you just give in or give up. That’s about where I am headed right now. I can feel it coming just like it has for 20 years.

In The Immortal Words Of Fight Club…..

I am Jennifer’s rejected self. I think that sums it up.

Blind Faith ~ Can't Find My Way Home

Not So Sure About This Marriage Counseling Thing

A couple of 14-carat gold wedding rings. Picture taken in Brazil, where 14-carat is the most common kind of gold used in jewelry. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I came out of that counselor’s office so angry the other day, I thought I was going to break something, so I went for a bike ride instead. I can easily see this type of counseling making me relapse. It was so confrontational and stressful that I ended up triggered which is not a good sign. This would be why managing my illnesses is of utmost importance. Especially the bipolar disorder, because if it is going to be like this every time, i am going to end up in the hospital. I do not think that my husband really understands that when he indicates that in order of importance I care first about my illness, then my cats, then him. Of course I am going to care about my illness first. If I do not care about it above all else, I decompensate and become ill.

My becoming ill again is not productive for the relationship. We cannot have a relationship if I do not manage my bipolar first above everything else. And as far as the cats go, I feed them, clean their litter box, make sure they have water, and give them a little attention. That’s not making them more important to me than he is; it is responsible pet ownership. I would really like to know how often he cleans, makes dinner, fixes morning coffee; these are all things I do for him and for myself. I don’t see how his never having anything else to do but play on the computer, and take care of his plants is putting him third. If anything, he comes first then managing my illness. I wish he would take up reading books, then maybe he might have a better idea about how this illness functions. I have even ordered a new one geared toward both the ill person and the family of the ill person. I keep trying and hoping. Hope does spring eternal, unfortunately. We’ll see how this goes. The minute I find my self sliding down the rabbit hole to have tea with the Mad Hatter is the day I quit. Stress is a huge trigger for me, and this is the most stressful thing I have ever done. I don’t know. We’ll see how it goes. I will try to be more open about the process, but that doesn’t mean I am not going to get mad about some stuff.

Starting Marriage Counseling Today

We are finally about to start marriage counseling today. I really do not know how I feel about this. I am very apprehensive about the whole endeavor because he has this tendency to blame everything on me. Like he walks on water. Everything that is wrong with the marriage is my fault because I am mentally ill, therefore, everything must be my fault. What he doesn’t understand is that his own problem with depression makes me sicker. He withdraws into this dark world of Internet porn, and he thinks that’s okay. When in reality, he is paying no attention to me whatsoever, and he won’t have sex with me, half the time he won’t sleep in the same bed with me, and somehow, I am supposed to okay with all of this. He spends his time watching other women fuck (pardon my french), he spends his time looking at pictures of other women naked. And I am supposed to be okay with this? He has no idea how rejected I feel, how ugly and undesirable this all makes me feel, and quire frankly, I do not think he really cares about how I feel about anything because he just continues to do it. Yesterday, he spent the entire day on the porn sites. And, somehow, I am still supposed to feel wanted? He is an asshole if he thinks that is all okay for him to do. He claims he loves me, yet his actions are completely separate from his words. If he truly loved me, he would quit the Internet porn thing, because he knows how I feel about it. And he claims it all about trust, he trusts that I am not doing anything online, so I should trust that he is not either, but how am I supposed to do that when he is looking at the base asses of other women. It is no different from cheating on me because he obviously derives some gratification from it, or he wouldn’t do it.

Well marriage counseling went swimmingly. I am apparently a superficial bitch who thinks of illness first, my cats second, and my husband third. Anytime I try to empathize with his situation whatever it may be, he says I come across to him as shallow and superficial. In other words, a stuck up bitch. All I am trying to fucking do is let him know that I do understand he feels bad about something. I am not trying be some fucking psychic who knows all. Pissed me clean the fuck off. 

One thing the therapist did point out was that my husband spent twice as long explaining his concerns as I did. Basically he dominated the conversation. He talked for like twenty minutes about how he thinks I am saving money to move. Now, i f I wanted to move, I would talk to my mother about staying with her for a couple of months until I had enough money to move out, get my stuff out of storage and I would be gone like the wind. Simple as that. No conspiratorial hoarding of money, no reason why I am constantly broke except I cover about $500 worth of bills and my rent $464. Which actually comes to more than I make in a month. I do not know where the fuck he got this idea that I am going to abandon him and leave him high and dry. I am not that kind of person. Why the hell would I have made a commitment to hearing all about what a bitch I am that thinks only of herself and not other people, and how I need to fix this, that, and the other thing about myself. 

I understand he feels isolated, but he just doesn’t wake up early enough to come with me to meetings, or out to see people. I understand his car is in bad shape. I had no car for 2.5 years. Finally bought one, and it nickeled and dimed me to death so I stopped driving it for like 7 years and rode a bicycle. I took the bus,and  fucking walked evrywhere. So, yeah, when I  TRY to empathize with his car problem. Been there, done that. For many years. I am just going to stop trying to support him, because it obviously is not what he wants. Or thinks he doesn’t realize he needs.

I give the fuck up! I am so tired of his habits, but I am not supposed to take my bipolar seriously? FUCK HIM!!!!

P.S. Sorry for the language in this post. I am really angry, and trying to deal with it with out going off on him.