I Am So Freaking Frustrated

I am feeling so utterly and completely frustrated right now. I feel like crying, but I can’t because the meds keep me from crying most of the time. I really need a marriage counselor, and my Medicare Advantage Plan does not cover marriage counseling. Like older people do not need a bit of help here and there with their relationships?!!?! WTF?!?!?! I realize that I am only 40-ish, but since I qualify for Medicare part B, I also qualify for the Medicare Advantage Plans. It covers my psychiatrist and my therapist, so why does the outpatient mental/”behavioral” health not cover marriage counseling. A bad marriage is mentally taxing and draining. And, those are bad things for Bipolars. Maybe that’s why every one of my relationships have gone south. 

My husband hasn’t talked to me in two days, we haven’t slept in the same bed for two months, and the marital relations thing is not happening. At this point, it would be like being with a stranger. I do not know who he is anymore. I do not know who I am in relation to the marriage. I know who I am away from him, but not when with him. There is a Crosby, Stills, and Nash song about how two people while apart are two separate people, but when together they create a third entity. I do not know what my place in the third entity is. If I even have one. 

 He claims to want to go to therapy, but I see him doing no work to find a therapist, or anything. That seems to me to be a sign that he is not really serious about repairing what used to be a really beautiful relationship. I cannot live like this. I need for this to either end or get fixed. And, I am not one to admit defeat until I have tried to win. It is like saying you do not like a food you have never tried. How do you know if you haven’t tried it? So, I am unwilling to admit defeat until I run out of options. Then, and only then, will I admit it is impossible, the situation untenable, and that I have failed.

I am trying to find something through Medicare or Community Outreach programs, but I am finding nothing that seems helpful……no wonder the divorce rate in this country is so high. There’s no help anywhere. 

I really feel like having a tantrum; full-fledged with kicking and screaming and crying, but I cannot due to medication. Even though I have specifically kept my doses low enough to be therapeutic, but still allow me to feel, they make it so I just cannot cry. That’s all I want to do. I am so frustrated with our mental health system. It is not just dysfunctional; it is broken, perhaps irreparably. People have crises in all parts of their lives. If I was suicidal, I could get help. But I am not suicidal. What I am is someone trying to save their marriage. So much for family values as espoused by the Right-wingers.

The Crystal Method ~ Community Service "Cake Hole"

English: I took this picture at a live performance by The Crystal Method at Earthlink Live in Atlanta, Georgia. It’s posted to deviantArt here, and there is a print available. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Vegas (The Crystal Method album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A great song about programming your own mind before the world programs it for you…….scary

 

 

Very thoughtful and thought provoking

THE MIND OF RD REVILO, The Blog (& Podcasts) 4 THE BROTHERS, THE BROTHERHOOD THE RESURRECTION OF OUR MANHOOD

• My Cup Runneth Over With Never Enough
• My river ran dry, flooding never enough
• My ocean did die, waved by never enough
• My sea is emptied, of never enough
• My fire stoked smoke, causing never enough
• My heart tore apart, rent by never enough
• My mind blurred blind, due to never enough
• My hope addicted to dope, puffing never enough
• My lungs choked smoke, on never enough
• My hungerbecame stronger, feeding on never enough
• My thirst wearied worst, drinking never enough
• My impatience tired of waiting, on never enough
• My will began debating, is there never enough
• One night, pitied by plight, decided to fight
• Knowing, never enough wouldn’t be going
• Anywhere, if in my despair, I didn’t care
• To live, to give, my advice, make my sacrifice
• Pardoning passiveness into a protesting, contesting
• Massive collectiveness, causing distress to madness
• Of never enough, in the…

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Seem To Be In Song Mode Tonight……..

Spiral out..keep going (Photo credit: _Tawcan)

 

Maybe I do not know how I am feeling today, I have been presenting with “mixed episodes.” The dreaded state of feeling manic and depressed at the same time……. Mind on overdrive, motivation null and void…. So, now, we have Tool ~ “Lateralus“

 

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.
I feel it move across my skin.
I’m reaching up and reaching out.
I’m reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one’s been.
We’ll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one’s been.

Spiral out. Keep going…

 

Okay, Now The Gun Control Argument

Sandy Hook Lighthouse (Photo credit: Vicki’s Pics)

 

Okay, do not get me wrong. I am an American, but do we honestly need 300,000 legal and illegal handguns, assault riffles and 100 capacity magazines floating around our country? I am not Pro or Con 2nd amendment, but I do think that we have to look at the Amendment in the context that it was initially framed. We were a brand new nation having won our independence from England through a bloody revolution. We were afraid of government at the time. And, rightly so. But what does the 2nd amendment really give us the right to bear in terms of arms: it confers upon an individual citizen to own a musket, not a Tech 9, or an AK-47 with a 100 bullet clip. Do you really think that the Sandy Hook massacre would have been nearly as dumbfounding and deadly had the gunman had to reload his weapon? The average law enforcement personnel can reload their clip in about 2 seconds, the average gun owning citizen about 4 seconds. In 4 seconds, someone could have taken him out assuming that he had to reload.

 

What really freaked me out was the increase in gun sales, especially assault type weapons, automatic weapons, and high round clips that occurred after the Sandy Hook massacre. I saw one gun shop that had customers 5 or 6 deep at the counter. People just DO NOT need clips that hold enough rounds to take out a small army. If you cannot hit your target, moving or not, with one or two shots, maybe you shouldn’t own a gun. If you have to make mincemeat out of someone, maybe you should look into anger management classes.

 

If you look at the world numbers for death by gun shot wounds, the United States leads all of the industrialized nations by thousands of deaths per year. We have approximately 10 people dying every 8 hours due to gun violence. This does not include mass shootings. These are our kids that are dying. If 10 people on average are dying very 8 hours that means that 30 people die every day from gun violence. Multiply that by 365 days per year, and you have about 11,000 people per year. This is simply unacceptable. If you just absolutely have to kill someone that you have a beef with, stab them, beat them to death; do not stand 20 or 100 feet away and shoot them. You do not have to get yours “hands dirty” to shoot someone, it does not require any amount of courage to shoot someone, rather it is an act of absolute cowardice; you do have to get personal any other way.

 

NRA President LaPierre states that the only way to deal with a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Is there really a difference? Honestly, something has got to give. And we cannot just drop this issue just because Sandy Hook is a month past. These were 6 year olds; they will never fall in love, they will not graduate high school, they will not attend prom, they will not attend college, it is a loss of 20 potential doctors, lawyers, social workers, reformers. It is a loss of 20 members of the future generation. These kids that are dying are the future, and we have an obligation as a society to make sure they have the opportunity to become what they may, and provide a safe environment to do so.

 

"America" ~ Simon and Garfunkel

I think that this song is pretty apropos to what is happening in our country today, much as it was when it was written about 40 years ago. We are all searching for something to make sense ……

“America”

“Let us be lovers we’ll marry our fortunes together”
“I’ve got some real estate here in my bag”
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And we walked off to look for America

“Kathy,” I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
“Michigan seems like a dream to me now”
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I’ve gone to look for America

Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said “Be careful his bowtie is really a camera”

“Toss me a cigarette, I think there’s one in my raincoat”
“We smoked the last one an hour ago”
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

“Kathy, I’m lost,” I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They’ve all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America

I Also Wanted To Thank The Other Bloggers

I want to than the bloggers who not only follow my blog, but also those who nominated my blog for the awards that I have received over the past year. Thank you…. it means a lot that people hear what I have to say and find it interesting although I consider my life quite boring  🙂 I especially want to thank the Bipolar bloggers, the bloggers that went after the subject of bullying, and the subversive poetry of a certain blogger who knows who he or she is.

Jennifer

So Far This Has not Been A Great Holiday Season…..

…….And I am glad it is over. I do not think I can take much more “New Year’s” cheer. First, I lose my last grandparent right before Thanksgiving. I was not invited to Thanksgiving that year (2012). That was a first, so I am getting over her death. She was 97, and it was time for her to go. She outlived her husband by 27 years and 12 days. Now they are together again, if you believe such things. I myself do not, but I am a Buddhist. We do not believe in the rejoining of people in death, we believe in reincarnation when the right person is born for the energy left behind by another. Christmas was dismal despite my husband’s best efforts. I was extremely lacking in this department this year. Just couldn’t get it together in time. Now, last Saturday (the 5th) I go and rear end an Infiniti. I couldn’t take out out a 20 year Toyota. Oh no, I have to take out a $50,000 car. I am just waiting for the lawyer’s papers. So, now I am bus bound in the middle of winter. Not that I mind the bus. It has a sub-culture all its own, which fascinates my sociological mind. I could do without the wind and the cold though. So, let’s just say, it really only can get better from here,

Sorry for the lack of posting. I had a toolbar from hell that was blocking my access to my blog on Chrome, and I couldn’t find it anywhere in my computer to delete it. Very frustrating.

All in all, this has been a frustrating year so far, but I am looking forward to the weight loss from tramping from bus stop to bus stop  🙂