I Apparently Missed My Blog's Birthday

I was just checking out the settings function on WordPress. There was a category for “trophies”. Now, I know I have had people nominate me for blog awards, but trophies? So, I checked it out. My blog turned a year old on Halloween, 2013. That seems rather fitting somehow. Scary, but fitting. My blog is but a toddler in a field of giants. So, a belated Happy Birthday (Halloween) to my little blog.

Thank you to the people who have read my rants, my raves, my more “clinical” and dry posts (research has always been high on my list of things to do), and have commented and made me think over the past year and a half! I would also like to thank those who do not follow my blog, but I have had occasion to read theirs. I get beauty, opinions, reality checks, and more from the bloggers here.

Everyone is an artist in their own right be it through poetry, prose, narration, or various other artistic endeavors. Everyone has something to teach and something to learn. You just have to listen with an open heart and an open mind.

Happy Birthday to my little Rabbit Hole….. the only place where I can always be myself.

2013 ~ A Year In Retrospect

Opening a blog post is akin to writing that all-important thesis statement for your next “brilliant” essay. As I look back on 2013, I realize this has been a rough year for me and the people who care about me and that I care about. I have had to come to terms with the fact that the man I thought I married was not a man in the true sense after all, but rather, a fairly selfish individual who did not really love or care about me. He gave it great lip service though with Birthday cards, Anniversary cards, and Christmas cards all exclaiming undying love and devotion and signed with “Love you madly” or “Yours always”. He got the madly part right, except it is my madness that we are talking about.

Romantic Heart from Love Seeds (Photo credit: epSos.de)

He said the vows; the promise to love and honor in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, but somewhere in there, he realized he really had not signed on for that when it came to me. That my one and only marriage failed in such a blaze of glory is a lesson in learning to be myself again. I had become a person I did not like, let alone, love, trying to make him love me. I now realize that we married too soon, and while I knew of some of his proclivities, I did not realize the ramifications they would have on my self-worth, my self-esteem, my mental health, and my ability to love someone. I also now realize that I do not think he knows how to love; that love means sometimes you agree to disagree, that sometimes you will hate each other, that arguments happen and are not a reason to hold a grudge or use it as an excuse to hurt, that it is important to spend time with one another, that you put up with each other’s annoying habits without getting irritated (or trying not to), and that, above all, love means you accept without question the other for who and what they are, and who and what they may become. And, you still love them. I do not think that kind of accepting love ever really goes away. It just changes into a different form.

So, one month to the day of our fourth anniversary after the “deal breaker” fight, I filed for divorce, and became a free woman about 2.5 months later. I am not at all slightly nonplussed to say that I was not particularly sad on the day I opened the mailbox to find a thick, white envelope from the District Court. I must have read and re-read the word “dissolved” over 50 times. It was an unreal experience to realize that I could learn how to be myself again, that I would not have to fuss over make-up that wasn’t me,  trying to do something with my hair that wasn’t me, or wearing clothes I felt uncomfortable wearing. I tried so hard to make that union work that I lost my self in the process. Not a good thing to lose. 

Father & Daughter (Photo credit: Enigma Photos)

2013 was the year that I think I finally came to terms with the fact that my father is never going to be my dad again. He is a father and nothing more or less, but he is not a dad. That man left my life a long time ago, and I have been in mourning ever since. I keep a black and white photograph of him when he was about 29 years old by my bed because that goofy, smiling, long haired, bearded and happy man was my dad. For many years, I have grieved the loss of my dad. For many years, I have thought that he left because I am the way that I am, because he could not cope with what I have. Now, I am beginning to realize and accept that the problem is not me; it is him. It still didn’t prevent me from compulsively checking the mail like a five year old waiting for a present except I was waiting for the Birthday card that never came, the Christmas card that never came. I was sure he sent one; it was just late or lost in the mail. I did not want to acknowledge the truth that he had not sent one; I simply couldn’t believe that he would forget. The truth was he didn’t forget, he just didn’t send one either out of oversight or having to much to do or being out of town. I will never know why he left, or if I could have done something different, or if it just isn’t in him to deal with the real difficulties of life. It is so much easier to leave a person that one has come to view as a situation just waiting to happen. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so difficult to just dismiss him if every time I looked in the mirror I didn’t see him; I look just like him right down to the now reddening strawberry blonde hair and freckles. Maybe if I had not kept that photograph of him as a younger, happier man with one toddler, and a baby on the way. Maybe if……..

Those were my two greatest challenges and two greatest learning experiences in 2013. I am slowly returning to my self, and realizing that I have not yet finished contributing to this world. I feel very strongly that I have a great deal to teach other people (hopefully young people) and to learn from other people. I am slowly but surely returning to the girl who loved to walk and use public transit (annoying as it may be in my city) because one sees things differently and meet very different people leading very different lives when one has to slow down. I feel much stronger for having learned these things about both myself and about the others written about in this post; I feel stronger for surviving the train wreck that was my marriage, and for coming to terms with the reality that my dad is gone and has been replaced by someone I do not really know, but I would like the chance to get to know him as he is now. And, I would like the chance to have him know me as I am now; not the person he remembers from a few years ago. I am older and much wiser than I was then. I have hit rock bottom since then, and clawed my way back up fighting my mind’s whims everyday. 

2014 is shaping into a challenging year, but I am sure that it will just provide me with new opportunities to learn and grow……..

Christmas Morning

merry christmas (Photo credit: 1987VIRGOAB)

So, here it is again. Seems like time is getting shorter, or maybe I am just getting older. I woke up early this morning so that I can deal with my mad morning hair, but my cat thinks it is so she can claim my bed. She didn’t even meow Merry Christmas before she took up a spot on the bed which ensures that I will not be able to make it this morning. I am going to have a small Christmas with my mom, her husband, his daughter and her girlfriend this morning. It is interesting the way Christmas has changed over the years, It used to be my sister, my mom, and my father early in the morning followed by trooping over to my grandparent’s houses. In my 20’s, it was my mom’s, then my father’s, then my uncle’s, and finally, my fiance’s parents. It made for a very long, not easily enjoyed Christmas.

My 30’s saw me single, struggling with a diagnosis of manic-depression, very unhappy, and it would be my mom’s and my uncle’s houses, but nobody really knew what to say to me except my grandma, who simply pointed out that we live as well as we can with what we are given. She didn’t say much about anything, but when she did, you listened. It was her that I called when I had my first car accident at 15, and when my kitten was hit by a car when I was 18. I miss her very much. Much more so this year than last when the reality of her death had not yet really set in. I do not remember Christmas last year. I think my mom and her husband were out of town leaving me at loose ends with my failing marriage to try and make Christmas happen. I was not really in a Christmasy spirit last year.

My 40’s find me single again (small sigh of relief; my marriage was a very unhealthy place for me). I do not wish him any ill-will, and hope he has found a way to celebrate Christmas. Christmas may not be a traditional “family” affair this year, but it seems somehow better. I remember the first time my “step”-sister brought her girlfriend to Christmas or maybe Thanksgiving, and how stressed out her father was to have his fears about her orientation confirmed. I had known for years, and I think he had too, but he struggled with it. It has been really interesting and heartwarming watching him come to terms with it, and make his his peace (without, I might add, becoming one of those parents who cannot handle his child’s life). She is a wonderful, lively, highly intelligent young woman.

My mom has hit another milestone birthday having turned 70 about three weeks ago, and she is coping with the loss of her mother last year. For myself, I am coming to terms with the idea that my father either doesn’t really care how I am, or cannot handle what I have. His solution to most problems has been to throw money at it; he has never been able to handle emotion. I am newly divorced, and have decided that I do not think I will try that again. It is just too difficult to find that rare combination of person who can handle the good times, the not so good times, and the psychotic times. Although, our postman is awfully cute, about my age, and I see no ring 🙂

So, I think this Christmas will do. It is my first being over the shock of my grandma, the first where I didn’t get all OCD about checking the mail for a card from my father; normally I would check the mail 3-4 times everyday looking for the card I knew wasn’t coming. I just knew this year it wasn’t coming. Not even a card on the annoyingly impersonal University of North Dakota’s presidential stationery. I met my “step”-sister’s newish girlfriend yesterday. She seemed very nice. So, as nontraditional as my current family is, at least I know Christmas will be spent with a super blended family that suits me fine. 

There is no judgment in this family. My “step” father has OCD, is high anxiety, and is a recovering alcoholic of thirty plus years, my mom has been stellar in her understanding of my strange moods and whims, my “step” sister is adopted and gay, so I think there is room for a manic-depressive. It is a motley crew, but there is love and understanding, and that, in my opinion, is what makes a family,

I hope that everyone finds a way to celebrate this day whether they are alone, married, with a partner, divorced, disenfranchised, estranged, or any other condition people find themselves in…….

Christmas

Christmas is that time of year when friends and families gather to bask in the warmth of togetherness, exchange stories, and catch up on each other’s lives. But why is it only one day or a few out of every year that people do this? It is a question I have had for years among others that I can find no logical answer for. Why are people seemingly more giving at this time of year? There are so many opportunities to give of yourself year-round. There are homeless people ~ families and people whose families are gone for one reason or another that need the generosity of others for the whole year. There are people who have outlived their families and friends, and they spend the holidays alone. There are families torn apart by misunderstanding. People who have fallen by the wayside of a society that has no use for them except for those two or three days a year that they are remembered and helped. I am not one of those “merry” Christmas people. I am one of those people who is actually quite sad this time of year. I wish that I were not one of those people. But, I have lived too long, and seen too much for my idealistic nature to have remained completely intact.

When I was a relatively unaware child, none of this really bothered me. But, then I became older. I became friends with homeless people, people society has forgotten, the kids who have run away because the streets are more forgiving than their homes, the people that are too far away and too poor to travel, the people whose families have forgotten them, the people whose families wish they could forget them, and the people who are estranged from their friends and family either by choice or not.

Selfishly, I spend each Christmas feeling that my own problems are the worst; that everything would be okay if my father (notice I never refer to him as my Dad) could somehow find a place for me in his thoughts and heart that was not a place of disappointment, that everything would be okay if I were not painted with the brush that labels me mentally “ill”. I do not feel mentally ill; I simply feel more intensely than others. I should feel fortunate that I am not among the homeless as so many of the mentally interesting are, and I do, although it is one of my greatest and perhaps, most irrational, fears. I have seen how my particular “flavor” of mental interestingness has manifested in others just like me who are not functional. I should feel grateful that I am, for the most part, functional. But, sometimes, being functional seems to make this time of year harder because I do see the men and women on the street who are made older by weather, circumstance, mental health, lack of care, lack of food, and, frequently, addiction. I see the people who have had to create alternate families because their own are either gone or do not want them. And, sometimes, I see people who, in spite of their problems, rise above them. These people give me hope and renew my faith that resilience is an amazing human trait.

I guess in my idealistic little brain, I do not understand why it is only during the “Holiday Season” that many people feel compassion and generosity and understanding towards others when they ought to feel it year-round. I think this New Year, I will make a point of finding a way to work with the disenfranchised despite my limited mobility both because my city has the worst public transit system, and my own desire to hide.

I am one of the disenfranchised; treated and thought of differently because I am not like the roughly 92% of the population that does not have to battle themselves and their thoughts everyday. I take medication everyday so that I remain “even”. I have resented that for years. I have resented that my thoughts sometimes lead me to behavior that in retrospect has hurt many people, but I remedied that years ago. I think that’s what I will do. I will work with the lost, the homeless, the missing, the addicted, the mentally disordered and hopefully, make a difference in their lives on a daily or semi-daily basis. Humanity does not have to occur for one month every year. Humanity, in all its forms, is with us everyday. 

 

Mad Morning Hair

English: Albert Einstein Français : Portrait d’Albert Einstein (Photo credit: Wikipedia) ~ This is how mad hair looked this morning.

So, I decided about a month ago that I was going to cut my hair. Yesterday was the big day. I spent two weeks poring over pictures of short, short hair (decided my face shape was wrong), medium short hair, and medium length hair. I decided to go with medium short. I figured it wouldn’t be such a big change that I would freak out and not do it. Please understand my hair was about 4″ from my waist. It had been that way for quite a while. So, the stylist put it into a ponytail and lopped it off. I plan to donate the length to a charity that makes wigs for women going through cancer treatment. It is really underestimated how much that really matters. If you ask, say, 20 women what their best feature is, you’ll get eyes and hair. I know it was my safety blanket, as well as, being one of my top two best features: eyes and hair. But, it is gone. I keep running my fingers through it, and my fingers keep going long after my hair ends. I have no where to hide now. 

Now, yesterday when I left the salon, it was super cute, but I suspected that it be so in the morning. OMG! I highly underestimated what it would look like after a rough 9 hours of sleep. I looked like Einstein when I woke up this morning. Now, if I was Einstein, I would be too concerned about my lofty and genius theories about everything to care. However, I am not Einstein. I am not a genius. I do not spend my day in lofty thought, okay, maybe that is not quite true. I spend a good part of my day dreaming about all manner of things. But, certainly not theories of relativity and time-travel as Einstein was wont to do. So, I figured, I would brush it, and that would solve the problem. Noooo….. It is clear to me that the only thing that will help is water, shampoo, conditioner, styling products and a blowdryer. What have I done? When my hair was long, my only concern was that it was dry when I went out otherwise the ends would freeze. That was pretty do-able. Since I am relatively inept at styling hair, this should be a challenge. It is not a medium bob, it is now a short bob. If I smoothed all the layers down, I would resemble a 20’s flapper. Hhmmmpphhh.

Well, a haircut was what I wanted for Christmas (sometimes, as you get older, Christmas becomes about what you need), and it was sorely needed. A haircut is what I got. I am in day one with new hair shock. I feel like Bridget Jones! Well, time to go wash new hair or lack thereof, and see if I can manage to style it. This is going to be an adventure!

Music That Touches The Soul

After many comments back and forth with fellow blogger, Traces of the Soul, about music that truly resonates with us, she posted The Eagles New Kid in Town which reminded me that my favorite Eagles song has always been Seven Bridges Road. It tends to be a fairly obscure and not often played track, So, here it is. Seven Bridges Road Live by The Eagles.

There are stars in the southern sky
Southward as you go.
There is moonlight and moss in the trees
Down the Seven Bridges Road.

Now I have loved you like a baby…
Like some lonesome child,
And I have loved you in a tame way,
And I have loved you wild.

Sometimes there’s a part of me
Has to turn from here and go…
Running like a child from these warm stars
Down the Seven Bridges Road.

There are stars in the southern sky.
And if ever you decide you should go,
There is a taste of time sweet and honey
Down the Seven Bridges Road.

Effects Of Bullying

I am an effect of bullying. I experienced during school and after school bullying from the time I was about 7 to the age of 16. This bullying occurred in one form or another at every school I attended from grammar school through high school. The consequences of said bullying have lasted well into my adult years. I have trouble trusting another’s intentions, I feel that people are out to hurt me for no logical reason, I suffer panic attacks and fear when in a group of people I do not know, and, consequently, I have very few friends among other effects. Following is some information I found at www.stopbullying.gov . I find it disturbing that the trend has grown to such a proportion that there is actually a governmental website devoted to the subject. When I was experiencing bullying growing up it was literally thought of as something to be endured and wasn’t very important in terms of mental and physical health. While reading some of the material I located, I was mildly surprised to find myself thinking back to those days, and identifying with much of what had been written.

Bullying Definition

Bullying is “unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or a perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.”

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

• An imbalance of power: Kids who bully use their power ~ such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity ~ to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone verbally or physically, and excluding someone from a group on purpose. (I have experienced all of these at some point in time).

Types Of Bullying

• Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
  • Teasing
  • Name-calling
  • Inappropriate sexual comments
  • Taunting
  • Threatening to cause harm
• Social bullying, sometimes called relational bullying, involves:
  • Leaving someone out on purpose
  • Telling other children not to be friends with someone
  • Spreading rumors about someone
  • Embarrassing someone in public
• Physical bullying involves hurting a person or possessions including:
  • Hitting/kicking/pinching
  • Spitting
  • Tripping/pushing
  • Taking or breaking a person’s things
  • Making mean or rude hand gestures

Where And When Bullying Happens

It can occur either during or after school hours. While most reported bullying occurs within the school building, a significant portion occurs in places like the playground or on the bus. It happens on the way to or from school, in the neighborhood, or (now) on the Internet.

Frequency Of Bullying

There are two sources of federally collected data on youth bullying:

• The 2011 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (the CDC) indicates that, nationwide, about 20% of students grades 9-12 experienced bullying.
• The 2008-2009 School Crime Supplement (National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice Statistics) found that, nationwide, about 28% of students grades 6-12 experienced bullying.

On average, that is approximately %25 of kids aged 11-17 that have reported bullying. I would like to emphasize the word “reported”. These statistics are a) out of date, and b) the students who have reported bullying, and does not include those who do not tell anyone. That means that, in reality, the number of students being bullied may be higher, and I suspect it is. A number of students may not report bullying for fear of retaliation or simply out of shame. These students are not captured by these studies.

Effects Of Bullying

The effects of bullying both by those being bullied and those who bully others have been linked to many negative outcomes including but not limited to impacts on mental and physical health, substance use and abuse, and suicide. An interesting study conducted by the National Institute for Mental Health highlights some of the long lasting effects of bullying. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-news/2013/bullying-exerts-psychiatric-effects-into-adulthood.shtml

Kids Who Are Bullied

Students who experience bullying at school, after school, in their neighborhoods, or by technological means such as the Internet or texts on their phones are more likely to experience:

• Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy or anhedonia, and I would add low self-esteem and self-worth.
• Health complaints such as frequent headaches and stomachaches, or being too sick to go to school
• Decreased academic achievement and school participation. They are more likely to miss, skip or drop out of school.

A very small proportion of students who are bullied may react in extremely violent ways. In 12 of 15 school shootings in the 1990’s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.

Kids Who Bully Others

Students who are bullies can also continue to engage in violent and other risky behaviors into adulthood. They are more likely to:

• Abuse alcohol and other drugs in adolescence and into adulthood
• Get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school
• Engage in early sexual activity (the same could be said for the kids being bullied as a way of “belonging”)
• Have criminal records and traffic citations as adults
• Be abusive in romantic or intimate relationships as adults

Bystanders

Children who witness bullying tend to be more likely to:

• Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs
• Have increased mental health problems, including depression and anxiety
• Miss or skip school

The Relationship Between Bullying And Suicide

The media often link suicide and bullying. However, most kids that are experiencing bullying do not have thoughts of suicide or engage in suicidal behavior.

Although they are at risk of suicide, other factors must be considered. Depression, problems at home and a history of trauma tend to be better indicators than bullying alone or when combined with bullying. Additionally, specific groups are more at risk for suicide, including American Indian and Alaskan Native, Asian American, and LCBT youth. The risk is highest when these groups of students are not supported by family, peer groups and schools. Bullying simply makes the problem worse.

Warning Signs And Risk Factors

There are many warning signs that a child is being affected by bullying ~ either being bullied or bullying others. Recognizing these warning signs is often the first step in stopping the behavior. Since not all children will report problems with bullying, it is important to talk to kids who are displaying symptoms. Talking to kids can help identify the root of the problem.

Signs A Child Is Being Bullied

First of all, look for changes in the child’s behavior, but also be aware that not all kids will display warning signs. The warning signs include:

• Unexplainable injuries
• Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry
• Frequent headaches, stomach aches, feeling ill, or faking illness
• Changes in eating habits ~ not eating, or binge eating
• Difficulty sleeping, sleeping too much, or frequent nightmares
• Declining grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or not wanting to go to school
• A sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations
• Feeling helpless or decreased self-esteem/self-worth
• Self-destructive behaviors ~ running away, harming themselves, or suicidal ideation or talking about suicide

If you notice these any of these warning signs, do not ignore them. Get help right away.

Signs A Child Is Bullying Others

• Getting into physical and/or verbal fights
• Having friends who bully others
• Are increasingly aggressive
• Are frequently in trouble at school ~ detention and/or being called to principal’s office
• Having unexplained extra money or new belongings
• Blaming others for their problems
• Will not accept responsibility for their actions
• Are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity

Why Children Don’t Ask For Help

Statistics from the 2008-2009 School Crime Supplement (see above for reporting agencies) show that only about 1 out of 3 bullying cases is reported to an adult. There are many reasons why kids don’t talk:

• Kids want to handle it on their own in order to regain a sense of control or they may fear being seen as weak or a “tattle-tale”
• They may fear backlash from their bullies (this is a very real concern)
• Bullying is a humiliating experience, and kids may not want adults to know what is happening. They also may fear being punished and/or judged for being “weak”
• They already feel socially isolated and like nobody can or will understand
• Kids may fear being rejected by their peers; friends can help protect kids from being bullied and they do not want to lose this protection

Risk Factors

There is no single variable that puts one child at risk for bullying over another. It is a complex mixture of environment, group identification, and others. In general, kids who are at risk of being bullied have one or more of the following:

• Are perceived as different than their peers such as being over or underweight, not having the latest cool toy or clothes, being new to school among others
• Are perceived as weak and unable to defend themselves
• Are depressed, nervous or anxious, and/or have low self-esteem
• Are less popular than others and have few friends, are socially isolated
• Do not get along well with other kids, are perceived as annoying or provoking

These are only indicators that a child may be bullied. They may or may not experience bullying as a result of these risk factors.

Children More Likely To Bully Others

In general, there are two types of kids who bully others ~ some are well connected to their peers, have social power, or like to dominate others, and some are isolated from their peer group and may be depressed (in children, depression can be expressed as aggression) or anxious, be less involved in school, or not identify with the feelings of others. They also have other existing factors such as:

• Aggressive or easily frustrated
• Have less parental involvement or problems at home
• Have difficulty following rules
• View violence in a positive light
• Have friends who are bullies

Remember that bullies do not need to be bigger or stronger than those they bully. The ability to bully others comes from a real or perceived power imbalance which can come from a number of sources: popularity, strength, cognitive ability, etc. Children who bully also may have a combination of these factors.

Who Is At Risk?

Bullying can happen anywhere, but depending on the environment, some groups of kids may be more at risk. No single factor puts a student or child at risk for bullying or for being bullied by others. The behavior can happen anywhere ~ cities, suburbs, and rural towns. What does seem to increase risk is the environment and/or belonging to certain groups such as ~ LGBT youth, disabled (mentally or developmentally) youth, and socially isolated youth. Recognizing the many warning signs that a child is bullying others or is being bullied is often the first step in taking action against bullying. Not all children will report being bullied or that they themselves are bullying others. Bullying affects everyone involved. There are many negative outcomes of being bullied, being the one doing the bullying, or simply observing bullying behavior. These outcomes may include depression, anxiety issues, substance abuse and suicide. This is why it is important to monitor kids, and ask them if bullying or something else is wrong.

 

Bipolar Disorder Seems To Eat Friends

I just found out through my student loan provider of all sources that my “best” friend no longer wishes to be used as a reference for me. I think that this individual could have at least done me the courtesy of letting me know themselves, but it would appear that mental “interestingness” eats friends without you knowing it. I haven’t even really talked to this person in years so I know that it isn’t the “neediness” factor. It’s not like I am calling this person at midnight when in manic mode, or bawling uncontrollably while in depressive mode. I do not bother anyone with my problems any more. Not since my mom cut me off for a year and a half about 6 or 7 years ago. I was not allowed to call her, go to her house, do laundry at her house, nothing, nada, zip. I learned my lesson, and now I do not bother people because even if they care, they do not want to hear it. Hell, I do not want to hear it, and I have to live with it. 

I guess I have more lessons to learn. So much for having a support network. This stupid illness is very alienating. I had a friend, and now I do not have a friend. Well, I guess Christmas time is as good a time as any to learn through a third party that your friend has been eaten. There are many reasons why people do not like this time of year. I suppose I just added a new one. Hmmmmpppphhhh. We had been friends since high school, but I can only assume that the lost friend just doesn’t want to be friends anymore. At least that is the way it appears. Of course, I may be entirely off the mark. I often am, and tend to filter everything through the most negative lens available to me. That’s something to be worked on. I don’t know. Maybe the friendship has outgrown it’s commonalities. My life is nothing like theirs and likewise. So, my illness has consumed another. 

 

Existential Depression in Gifted Youth

This is a very interesting and thoughtful look at a certain type of depression in the “gifted” population of our youth.

I Seem To Be More Agitated Than I Thought (Damn Mixed Episode) ~ Warning: Profanity

So, I have been experiencing the dreaded “mixed” episode for about a month now. This one has been particularly bad. The last one I had that even comes close was 8 years ago. The main problem with the mixed episode is that you cannot medicate yourself out of it the same way that you can a psychotic or manic episode. Depressive episodes are a category all their own. I would gladly give a body part for this to go away. The main problem with the mixed episode is that you are stuck between mania and depression. Your sleep habits change, your eating habits change, your whole structured life is ruined; this helps the mania, but does little for the depression.

I am freaking annoyed and pissed off at people for no other reason than that they cannot seem to understand that I am trying as hard as I can just to survive this. Another one of my little tells that let me know where I am on the Richter scale: Am I listening to Alice in Chains? And…….wait for it……wait for it…….the answer is yes. My absolute all-time favorite I am pissed off at the world so I am going to listen to songs that are as angry as I am. Yes, I realize this is childish. But, so is contemplating the amount of medication I have at my disposal. No, I am not suicidal, so do not get your panties in a bunch. I am just exceedingly tired of feeling like this. I am tired of presenting the happy face to the world. I am tired of pretending that I am not really that sick so people will leave me alone, I am just tired. What a cliche ~ I am sick and tired. Except it is true. I am sick. I am tired. It takes a lot energy to appear as if you are in remission (because it never really goes away, now, does it?) or at least to appear to be functioning, and that you do not mind that everything about your life is fucked.

Yeah, I can pretty cheerfully say, “Oh, I really do not mind having no car in a city where public transportation is a joke” or “No, I don’t mind hauling 50 pounds of food on foot one mile to my apartment” and “No, I really don’t mind living on $6.00 an hour”. I can easily and believably say all this bullshit, because that is what it is. Bullshit comes easy to me. If I can make the head of Children’s Psychiatric services at the University Hospital here believe that I am okay and that I don’t need to see him anymore, and then turn around two weeks later and try to kill myself (I was 16, and it was my first serious attempt), then I can make anybody believe anything. This guy was supposed to be a professional. I also had convinced that I didn’t do drugs as I sat stoned in his office. Am I that good, or was he just that stupid?I think, personally, he was just that stupid, because I sure as hell am not that good. 

And, I am tired and absolutely sick of people telling me I need to get a car, and a job. Well, people, if I had a normal fucking brain like the rest of the sheep on this planet who want nothing more than a 9 to 5 job, a house, 2.5 kids, and a dog, then maybe I wouldn’t get fired from every job I have ever held. I have been fired from a Temp agency. How the fuck do you accomplish that? How many people do you know that have been fired not just from the temp assignment, but from the agency itself? I mean, that takes skill. Serious skill.

How many people can honestly believe that I do not want to work? I have taken to talking to myself just to keep myself from going absolutely insane as opposed to the semi-sane state that I am currently in. Why can’t people see that? What is it that makes the people in my life so fucking blind that they can’t see that I am pretending to be well? I am not well. I am manic, I am depressed. Come on people, I don’t sense things the same way you do. My perception of emotion is fucked up. I don’t just have a bad day, I have bad years. I don’t have good days. I rise to heights that would scare tightrope walkers and I spend weeks there. And, somebody wants to employ that combination? What the fuck planet are you from? I do not even want to live that combination, but here I am, living it as successfully as I know how. Fuck you all…….get back to me when I am well…..or maybe when you are not operating under some delusion that I am just like everyone else. Everyone else does not see the world through a chemical cocktail designed to keep you as level as possible. Everyone else does not have wild, unpredictable mood swings. Everyone else is not addicted to anti-anxiety drugs that you take just to get through the day without having some form of panic attack. Everyone else is not on anti-psychotics that are supposed to keep you grounded to this planet, and wreak havoc on your body.

Come on, you fucking normal people, try to get a clue about the different people in this world and your life. I am sick of fucking “normal” people telling me what to do. Just because I look “normal” with my painted nails, made-up face, straightened hair, and well thought out clothing choices does not mean that I am anywhere near freaking “normal”. I am just a well-groomed freak. I am a well-groomed waste of space. But, at least I am well-groomed. That’s not even funny. Talk to me about being “normal” when the voices in my head have stopped talking, and my moods are not on a see-saw. I do not even know where I am going to be on the scale from moment to moment, let alone for my whole life. Yeah, I am fucking employable. At least, I don’t have any more monkeys on my back. That may be the only healthy thing about me right now. Please get a clue, step outside for a minute and realize that I am pretending to be okay. I am most definitely not okay. Far from it.  But, I will be. I always am. Because I have to be. I apparently have no choice.