Tool ~ Lateralus and The Fibonacci Sequence (two of my favorite things)

Today At Midnight

This evening or early morning, whichever one it is for you, at midnight sharp (sounds like High Noon), I will no longer be insured under Medicare, or the Advantage plan that was so helpful in allowing me to see my doctors with no co-pay, and get my outrageously priced medications at less than $10.00. Not really sure what to do now. I have managed to stockpile two months of one mood stabilizer, but not the other. Everything would be so much simpler if I were not deathly allergic to Lithium. Lithium is cheap, Abilify and Seroquel, not so much. 

Obamacare is being attacked by the budget that Congress sent up the hill, andI am gathering that the one the Senate sent up the hill isn’t any better. Both want deep cuts to Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid funding. What the bloody hell is wrong with a country that will not help support it’s own citizens? Europe and Canada don’t seem to have these problems. I guess here the rich dine at the expense of the poor.

D-Day

Every morning I wake up now, I can feel the stress I have been carrying around for about 7 months. Every morning is one step closer to seeing if the data entered “stuck” or if it got kicked out. I have 2 days of insurance left and a prescription for Seroquel that I can’t fill until after the insurance is gone. I have shopped around and the best retail price is about $200. Which makes me wonder why Walgreen’s retail cost was so high?  Sorry, ADD and Bipolar kicking in there. My brain has started bouncing again. I think it is a stress reaction. I am definitely NOT well right now. 

I haven’t really been well in about 3 months. The SSA has got my brain doing its typical thing when  it gets stressed. If overloads, starts bouncing like a rubber ball, and then off we go to “flight of ideas” world. I hate bureaucracies. They really don’t give a shit about you. You’re just a case number. Not a person with very real problems. I guess I am too idealistic. Still, even after everything I have managed to pack into my short life. I need to learn how to step away and not think things are so personal, but it just chaps my ass that these sterile, uncaring people are the ones making decisions like these for millions of people. I am sure they have seen their fair share of fakers, but what about those who are not?

 I mean, I do advanced algebra problems to keep from losing my mind to boredom, I am learning to code so I can use the Limux operating system to its fullest. I am not an idiot. I  am someone who simply needs help that is currently being denied because I am not physically disabled. My disabilities are invisible, but that should have no bearing on anything. They exist.

This Is How You Freak Out Someone With Mental Issues

 ..…….Send a Bipolar Type I with psychotic features, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Anxiety with and without Agoraphobia a cessation of disability benefits because some bureaucratic idiot determined you had improved medically and were physically able to work. For crying out loud, people at the SSA, I did not file for disability for medical/physical reasons. I applied under the mental health guidelines because my brain does not work the way it should when it comes to anxiety and mood regulation. I also have ADD which makes it really difficult to focus for more than about 45 minutes. 

That is how to freak out someone who already will automatically think: the world is over as far as I know it, and do I have enough medication to end the whole debacle right now. Not that I would do this. I made a vow to myself and all the powers that run the universe that if I got through the last attempt (which damn near killed me) without brain damage or any physical problems that I would never try that again. It came too close to being final, and that scared the living hell out of me. I do not want to die; I want the mood swinging to stop. Not too much to ask or maybe too much to ask.

And the spiral is getting worse the longer I wait. This whole process started in July 2014. It is now nearly April 2015. What’s that? Something like 8 months this has been going on. It is time for them to either approve or deny my appeal. I will appeal to a higher ajudicator on my 2nd appeal, but I am tired. That mental and physical tiredness that can only come from worrying and being on pins and needles for 8 months while the SSA folks cool their heels. It is a tiredness of the mind.

I have just about had it; I am too stressed, I am having major problems with anxiety (upped my dosage back to its original amount), depression (antidepressants do not seem to work on me), and mania to some degree. All this because of a letter; I think the average person might not fight so hard, because physical improvement is visible. Mental health is invisible, intangible so you have to argue twice as hard to prove that you are a walking mental case. None of this is right. Sorry if I seem hostile, but I am pissed off to no end right now.

Reaching Fanatic

Please leave any comments on this post on the author’s blog. This wasn’t written by me…..

I Dont Want To Talk About It

Reaching out
I beg of you to take my hand
I am drifting
I am lost
The chaos of my mind
Antagonizes
The words and sentiment I whisper to myself
Are nothing but hatred and disgust
I am everything wrong
There is no space for me
No safe place for me
I search for the key
To let you in my chamber
But keep the door closed for protection
From who
From me and
from you
I am so afraid for you to peer into me
Know my broken insides
Truly see and hear my pain
Yet I am so desperate to feel heard
To feel I matter
I belong
I have something to offer
Instead I retreat
Hide the key
Sit at the river alone
Pieces of glass pressed to my wrist
Relief never comes
So much confusion
So much desperation
I’ve lost sight as to how I fit

View original post 57 more words

One Week

In one week, I will find out if I have an income for April. Next Friday is the day my benefit check would normally be deposited. I think I am experiencing all of my mental “issues” at the same time: depression, check, anxiety on a level unknown to normal people, check, mania, check, fear, check. I am one 5’10” walking ball of nerves, irritability, hostility, depression, mania, anger, and fear. You want to make someone who is Bipolar sick? Cut off their source of income, and watch them try to cope with it. I think they do it for fun, personally. But that is probably paranoia talking.

Okay, I Am Starting To Get Nervous

 

My insurance company has been notified that I no longer have Medicare part B, and they sent out a letter about two weeks ago that I would no longer be eligible for the Medicare Advantage plan that I have been on for about six years now. My insurance (read: prescriptions) will end at midnight on March 31st. I have about 1.5 months worth of Abilify and about 3 weeks worth of Seroquel left. I am not going to be able to fill the Seroquel in April, and the Abilify is going to run out in mid-May, give or take. The two prescriptions combined cost about $1900.00 per month. That’s more than I get per month on disability which, if you have read the previous few posts, has been denied due to a resounding medical improvement. With all due respect to the Social Security Administration, when someone who has been on and relied upon disability to pay rent, pay for groceries, utilities and what not for about 9 years, this type of situation is going to cause a medical slide back down the hill. I do not think they recognize the severity of the situation. Since I received that letter notifying me that my benefits were to be discontinued, I have grown depressed, extremely anxious, panicky, sleepless (which really helps people with Bipolar….not), and a whole host of other symptoms that had become manageable. Now, I am back to crying at the drop of a hat, my Klonopin usage is back up to the prescribed dosage (I had managed to drop it to half), and I do not know what I am going to do when the Abilify runs out. I am going to be an untreated mentally ill person again, and that scares the living hell out of me.

I remember what it was like to be untreated. My moods were all over the place, I have been told that I could be quite the bitch, I abused drugs and alcohol in a vain attempt to regulate my moods on my own, and it just wasn’t a pretty sight. I am afraid that I am going to get suicidal again, not just of the ideation variety, but of the type that attempts it. I already have 7+ attempts under my belt, and the last one was nearly successful. I have been assured that my benefits will continue throughout the appeal process, and that data has been entered to resume my benefits. However, I have also been told that sometimes that data just kicks out of the system, and I won’t know that until April 3rd when the next check is to be deposited. This is going to be two weeks of extreme anxiety: will I get my check, will Medicare be reinstated as the liaison between the SSA office here and the Benefits Determination Services has assured me? I do not want to see what is going to happen.

Everyone keeps telling me that the Affordable Care Act is supposed to be in place to take care of these problems, but I have looked at the supposedly “affordable” insurance programs available, and unless you want a huge out of pocket expense, you won’t get a premium below about $250.00 per month. If you don’t mind having an out of pocket expense of around $6000.00, your monthly premium is going to be in the $350.00 per month range. Add $350.00 to the roughly $2100.00 worth of prescriptions I take monthly, and it is just not feasible.

Even the thought of trying to secure a job that has benefits gives me a panic attack. What if I have a depressive episode, and I cannot function at home or in the workplace? I’ll just lose another job, I guess. I have never been able to keep a job longer than two years because something always goes wrong; I make a stupid mistake, or the job is beneath my qualification level and I get bored and then I get depressed. Then I get fired for not being able to complete tasks on time, or finish them at all. I have a hard time following instructions (ADD) spoken or written. I have a huge problem with micro-management; just piss off and let me work, it will get done if you aren’t in my face every half-hour. 

I am getting nervous to the point of actually being afraid for myself. How am I supposed to live? These are not entitlements. Disability benefits are paid out of taxes that I paid into while I was working for about 17 years. I earned these benefits. I also was doing some more reading on what types of conditions are eligible for benefits: if I was a drug addict or alcoholic, I would qualify for disability benefits. I am sorry, but drug addiction and alcoholism may not be conscious choices, but they are choices none the less. Having a few mental health issues is not really a choice. It just sort of happens to people especially those with mental health problems in their families.

My parents (my mom, really, because my Father is too narcissistic to think about much other than how he plans to retire with a few million under his belt) can only help so much and for so long, and I really don’t want their help. As it stands, my mom helps me more than I would like, but it is a necessary evil. I appreciate everything they have done, and I am extremely grateful to have parents that are living at my age, as well as, having the means to help to a point. It is a very fine line. My life was built on a house of cards, and the SSA pulled one of the foundation cards out so the whole thing fell. I am seriously beginning to freak out.

Father Tears and I

Sheldon Kleeman

I often
felt
these
words
but
couldn’t
speak
till
now

I was in
his place
of business

Trying to
understand
where I
was suppose
to fit in

It wasn’t
exactly
the place
I wanted
to be

But it
became
clear
as time
I was
suppose
to be
there

One day
when I
stood
still

I heard
a voice
cry

I went to
the sound
and found
my father
crying

In a flash
I saw
him in me

From that point
on I found
life inside
his tears

This man
my father
had lost
all strength
and will

William
was slipping
through
his fingers

I was the
father
he never
had

He was the
child that
he never
was

To this day
I often
wonder
was this
Hereditary
Or
was I just
a child
of tears

This was inspired by a fellow blogger,Julia
She is a friend,a confidant,a define force to…

View original post 9 more words

Social Security ~ What A Nightmare!!

AARRRGGGHHH!

This is about where I am at when it comes to this nightmare known as disability benefits. How can they take away something that I paid taxes for while I worked for about 20 years? Physically, I have no problems working. Mentally, I have huge problems working. How am I supposed to hold down a job when I can’t leave the house, or I am in one of those bone-crushing depressions that I am so prone to? I have bipolar disorder; it is not going away any time soon. Combine that with PTSD and panic disorder and ADD, and you have a really unreliable employee.

However, it looks like the Social Security department is going to continue my benefits while I appeal. I will believe it when I see it. I met with the case manager yesterday after two weeks of irritating phone tag. When he asked if my PTSD was related to military service, I (being the overly honest person that I can be) told him I had been assaulted. He just was quiet for a while. Then he asked all these questions about my mental condition. Basically, has anything changed since the completion of my medical review which resulted in the cessation of my benefits. Hell yes everything is different since I got that letter informing me that my benefits were ending. I am depressed, scared, worried, anxious, panicky, and overall just not as stable as I was before The Letter. I think anyone would be a little freaked out if they lost their income. I started applying for jobs, and that only served to increase the anxiety and depression. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that receiving a letter telling you that your income is gone is going to change the whole game. Ugghh, whatever…..