Deep Blue Indigo Funk

~ seroquelhangover
Me at 5
Me and My Little Sister

I can handle being labeled mentally ill. I can deal with being thought of as odd. I can sort of handle living in mixed episode world. What I cannot handle well are the deep blue indigo funks that accompany having Bipolar disorder and PTSD. I never know when they are going to come and completely derail any and all plans I may have had for the day. I cry for no reason at all, and this tendency toward depression has been a fixture in my life for more than 40 years. You would think I would have learned to handle it after so many years. However, each period of depression has its own life. It could last a day or two, or, in this case, several months. Many episodes sneak up on me. I do not see them coming until I am blind-sided. 

Clearly, the anti-depressants do not really work. I am sure they are of some use, but they can’t stop the indigo funks. They just make them more bearable, I suppose. It is like the rough edges of the depression are somehow blunted or shaved off creating rounded corners like a beveled wood frame. Somehow these periods of depression can sneak by the anti-psychotics that my doctor prescribes to stabilize my moods. And these aren’t the funny, ha-ha kind of medications that many people take for whatever ails them. They cause my brain to be constantly floating in a bath of psychotropic chemicals. I do not have any idea what the long-term effects of these drugs have, and I highly suspect the doctors don’t know either.

I look at pictures of myself as a little girl, and I see this sparkle in her eyes. I see a little girl who wanted to be an astronaut, a fighter pilot, a doctor, a researcher, and for some weird reason that is only know to that little girl, a Playboy bunny (go figure). I see unlimited potential and intelligence in her eyes. I look now, and that sparkle is gone along with a lot of other things; naivete is replaced with jaded cynicism and a profound sadness and anger at a disorder that kills relationships, that causes a person to isolate to the point that friends stop coming around. I rage impotently at something I cannot see, that I cannot touch, that is abstract and intangible. I wonder when that little girl got so lost. Where did she go? And why did she leave? 

9 thoughts on “Deep Blue Indigo Funk”

  2. This was a bit of a surprise. I’ve been having a fairly long running conversation with Rob Goldstein over the past months. i saw your gravatar of the lotus flower. I have used this actual picture on blog posts. I, too, practice Nichiren Buddhism – for 28 years. Rob had just told me that when he was in his teens he practiced with Nichiren Shoshu, so it was before the split with the Priesthood in ’91. I have two blogs and I have written about Buddhism in Both of them. My main blog, about Jamie who is in prison is learning and trying to practice on his own with just the publications and a man who visits every couple of months to encourage him. It seems you have a lot to deal with. I hope the practice has been a benefit for you in your battles. Jamie, too has enormous battles. My last post early this morning ( or late last night) has to do with religion in prison talking about Christianity vs Buddhism. I, too, have had very hard mountains to climb. I think, when you look at anyone’s life each of us has huge obstacles to overcome. We win or we lose. How has your practice been? Do you have a good support structure? I hope to hear from you. NMRK

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    1. I did not know that Rob had practiced with Nichiren Shoshu in his teens. I came in long after the split (2008) so I have about 7 years under my belt. I am a District leader and have been for about 6 years for a group of people that I love dearly. I have friends in other Districts as well. So far, This Buddhism has really worked for me. I am calmer, grounded (most of the time), and feel much more centered than I have previously. I love the r3esponsibility of being a District leader, and my Chapter leaders are just wonderful: one is good at talking me down, and the other is good for a smack upside the head 🙂

      I would highly recommend that people who have mental disorders (really hate that word) find some grounding in a faith they are comfortable with. I think it is absolutely necessary for your spirit/soul/energy to be healthy in order for the mind to return to some level of normalcy; medication can only carry you so far.

      Since I grew up with no real religious belief in my house, I took to this Buddhism like a fish flowing with water. I had few, if any, Judeo-Christian ideals to unlearn which left me a sponge for knowledge and information. I am currently working on reading the Lotus Sutra with the help of the WLS study books. It is intense!! I try to pattern myself off Bodhisattva Never Diparaging; I definitely do not succeed most f the time, but there are moments where I just get how he was. I find that as I age, I become more mellow….you can call me a name or slur, and I am likely to say thank you rather than going off like I used to,

      Nichiren Buddhism has been one of the biggest “blessings” I have encountered. I consider just being able to practice this Buddhism a priveledge, and being a WD District leader even more so.

      So far, I have had more victories than failures, and I live by the words “Never Give Up” because for me giving up is life or death. Bipolar is a cruel and difficult taskmaster. It is chronic, and it can be fatal. You never really know when you wake up what kind of wave you will be surfing that day.

      I love my practice though, and have made some really good friends who are aware of my conditions and are able to help me with rides and stuff (I have no car; just a bicycle and a bus pass).

      So, I live as simply as possible. NMRK.

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      1. It is great how far you’ve come. This experience is very encouraging. I spend a lot of my time giving hope to people who have no hope. Those people in the prison system or having gone through it. I seem to be a magnet for people people who feel like giving up. If you go to my main blog http://mynameisjamie.net, it is about a man who is incarcerated. It is primarily based on our letters over the last 8 years. It has been a challenge keeping his head on straight because of what they do to you in there and I have been his lifeline. He’s been getting publications for more than 2 years now and a men’s div visits about every month or so. I live too far away. You might find his story interesting. I also send him encouraging msgs I receive. Juat recently I started working with another man who has been out now for about 2 years. he didn’t have a lifeline and it about destroyed him. But I meet with him face to face on oovoo.com ( like skype) and we chant together. Go to youtube and search for the Frontline story about “The Stick Up Kid” It’s 28 minutes and well worth watching. You will understand why I reached out to him. You can find his name on facebook, too. He is very much in need of encouragement and for others to tell him about chanting. Your own victories might help give him hope. He spends a lot of time sitting in his room alone because it is the only place he feels safe and is most like the prison cell he was in from age 15-28. Watch the video. You’ll understand.

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  3. I understand your journey but when are the doctors going to give you tools to go somewhere without mental illness in your life? When will you see the progression of a part of your world that is not seen with/though mental illness? Only there is success.

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  4. Talking it through honestly, sharing what is happening with your followers helps us. We feel less alone. My depression with the Bipolar comes on suddenly. Never know how long it will last. It could be all night or weeks or longer. It is darker than dark and too close to death than would be comfortable for most people. But when I am there, the edge seems a good place to be. I go through the thinking, what if I left who would that effect? It stops me. When I get to that point the darkness eventually lifts. Medical Marijuana also helps. It does wonders for all things health. The Mind is part of one’s Health. As far as the psych meds. I know some people might need them. I thought I did. I stopped all psyche meds except Klonopin. Can’t stop that b/c it freaks out my body. It won’t leave. I tried to stop taking it the right way but when I reached a certain level my body started to shake. Doctor has me on a very low dose to keep the side effects from doing too much damage.

    Weird what the Pharma meds do to you. That is why I stopped Mental Health Meds. Now it is Medical Pot that covers what I need. I’m not close to normal but I don’t feel like the person who started taking psyche meds. I feel alive and work through each day/moment at a time. Meditate. Breath deeply a lot. Listen to Tibetan Sounds and Yoga music, And Write and create all the awake time I can fit it into.

    I wish there was a magic way to pull you out. Medical MJ does it for me. It helps all of my Health.

    jk

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  5. I am leaving a link from ‘the secret keeper’ written by me a while ago. You will understand after you read it, I think, for why I give it to you. A moment of darkness. A place of understanding. Found it by accident today. Serendipity.

    http://thesecretkeeper.net/2011/09/03/youre-still-you/

    It’s when I allowed myself to be Raw as you are able to do. It is good to write these feelings out loud. Have no idea what this will do for you but I hope it shows I understand. You are not alone. jk ❤

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