I had the oddest dream last night. i had spent the night at my boyfriend’s in an attempt to 1) see him, and 2) to escape my neighbor ( she doesn’t understand that I need a fair amount of people-free time). Anyway, the dream. It was third person and first person so it felt like I was watching and participating. I do not like that feeling for reasons I will perhaps explain later.
But, this dream was so real, I woke up thinking I was in the dream. I dreamt that I was watching my boyfriend with his former love interest, but at the same time, I was also present. While I know he is a loyal man, and that he loves me, I still have these stupid (okay, I know they are not stupid,;they just feel that way) insecurities and beliefs that have carried over from my marriage.
I was emotionally and verbally abused by my Internet porn-addicted ex-husband. He would watch porn when he knew I was there, and could see it. He also knew I felt it was very disrespectful of me for him to participate in that behavior. He did it any way. Like he didn’t care about me at all.. He never once told me I was beautiful or even pretty, and since he spent 16 to 18 hours a day doing this, I came to believe that I was worthless, ugly, not feminine enough, you name it, I am sure I felt it.
I made a determination at the start of this relationship that I would bring no baggage from my very destructive marriage. It would appear that my subconscious mind has brought the baggage with it. I have always felt a little like the second prize compared to girl #1. Which I do not understand. There is nothing wrong with me, except the Bipolar problem. What I can’t quite work my mind around is whether these thoughts and dreams are a carryover from my marriage, or if my gut is trying to tell me something. I didn’t listen last time, and bad things happened. Hmmmm……..
A Bipolar Journey Through The Rabbit Hole 
Hm.. maybe it’s just your subconscious, still working through the events of your marriage combining it with the new influence in your life in order to protect you by reminding you not to let your guard completely down and be cautious.
Maybe these dreams are more meant for you than for him, as a way to tell you haven’t worked through your baggage yet and you need to be careful that your baggage doesn’t get in the way of the new love that entered your life, maybe it’s an early warning so you can prevent something from happening that could destroy this new love.
Have you talked about this with your lover? Maybe if you open up and tell him that this currently occupies your mind, he’ll understand and could try to ensure you that you don’t need to worry at all. 🙂
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The way my mind works, it could be anythibusy But, I think you may be right. While my conscious is aware of the dangers of bringing baggage into the relationship, my subconscious is busy processing information. I have spoken to him about it,and been assured that particular infatuation is over. She’s just a lot younger than I am and sometimes that doesn’t work in your favor….sometimes…..
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