Who Am I…… (also a work in progress ~ updated 7/13/2015)

Who am I?

As soon as I figure that out, I will let you know. My name is Jennifer, and this blog is about my life with the mood disorder Bipolar Type I which is apparently the classic and worst form of the illness. This blog is my attempt to make sense of my illness, explore how it affects those around me, how I experience life, and hopefully make the illness less stigmatized and scary, and educate people about people like myself. We are not the abnormal, frightening people that people think of when they hear the words “mental illness.” My intention is two-fold: to explore my illness for my own sake, and to provide an experience for people to read and perhaps come to a better understanding of this disorder, and realize that while it cannot be cured, it can be managed. It is my hope that this blog help people who may suffer from this disorder, or are close to people with this disorder. I will update it as I remember things that have happened, that I have said or done during episodes and while in the “green middle ground” as I once heard it described. So, I apologize if it may seem a bit out of order. I also apologize if you are offended by occasional bad language. I do tend to use a bad word every now and again, but it is to make a point. I have been rather cranky recently due to some personal issues so, if you find the posts are becoming a bit despairing, please do not worry, I am always fine in some way or another. It is just the nature of Manic Depressive Illness to be a bit irritable from time to time especially when your life has turned into a train wreck, and it was just fine before. 

As I said before I have Bipolar Type I disorder but I forgot to qualify it. On the Bipolar spectrum, not only are there varying degrees of Bipolar disorder there are also “features” like Psychotic, and NOS (Not Otherwise Specified). These tags are used to add additional information about the sub-type, if you will, of the disorder. My official bipolar diagnosis is Bipolar Type I with Psychotic Tendencies. In essence, this means that during either a depressive, manic, or mixed episode, I have the propensity to lose my grip on reality. I may become paranoid (this is most common), have auditory and/or visual hallucinations, and become delusional completely believing that every thing I want to do is realistic, and that people are just out to stop me. 

I have also been diagnosed with PTSD stemming from a sexual assault when I was 16, Panic Disorder with and without Agoraphobia (some days I walk right out the door, and others you couldn’t push me out), Adult ADD (the bouncing of my Bipolar brain was not enough), and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am pretty sure I also have a social phobia, but that has never been examined. So, life is interesting. I frequently wonder how much of my perception is colored by my mental health issues, and how much is the perception of someone who is not ill. 

At some point, I plan to write a post detailing what stressors I feel helped the illness to manifest itself, when it manifested, why it was not diagnosed for 10+ years, and my other random thoughts on being genetically predisposed to this wonderful and absolutely awful illness with which I have both blessed and cursed.

I have finally found the courage to explain how I came to know the Rabbit Hole, and the various factors that contributed to not only the Bipolar disorder, but the PTSD, the Panic disorder, my tendency towards Agoraphobia, and the “Generalized” anxiety disorder, oh, lets not forget ADD.

Having kept the promise to the Universe and all that resides in it, I am still here. Though not without a lot of hard work and help from some very skilled people. I recently took the MMPI 2 some 6 months after the divorce that, in many ways, saved my very life (yes, I do mean to be a bit dramatic; the marriage was quite literally making me ill), and as usual I am in my usual, dreaded “mixed” state, however, my paranoia level has skyrocketed. I asked my psychologist about that as I do not feel that people are out to get me or impede me in any way (my usual paranoid m.o.). She said that based on talking with me, and listening to me talk (bless her patience with me), I am having some pretty severe “trust” issues. Go figure, I had just divorced a man who claimed to love me, but turned around and acted in manners not loving but deeply hurtful, I had just been in my apartment for about 6 months, and due to an introverted and painfully shy (no, you would not be able to tell unless you knew me well as I will talk to anybody, but going to a party where I know very few people can lead to a panic attack) nature, had not really talked with my neighbors. I tend to keep to myself if at all possible.

But, on a brighter note, my life is resembling something less than the train wreck it was when I first wrote this. I am up for Medical Review by the SSA about my Disability Benefits, and that has me in a bit of a twist. However, as much as I worry, I do not believe they will find against continuance of benefits. I have not improved beyond the point of the last review some 8.5 years ago, and judging from my medical records, my improvement has remained “average” for the past 2 years. This is tantamount to saying that no improvement in my mental condition has occurred, and my illness is expected to last longer than 12 months (try the rest of my life), and could end in death (their requirements not mine). So, we shall see. After all, this life I have been given is very much a work in progress.

I think it is time to update “Who Am I….”. Life has taken some turns that have not worked out in my favor. The SSA Disability Determinations Services denied my benefits in January having found me “medically improved” enough to work. So, they gave me 10 days to appeal if I wanted my benefits to continue throughout the appeal (something which has not been done), and so, at 3 in the morning unable to sleep, I came up with my appeal. Now, I have a hearing set for later this month at which I am going to argue that due to daily “suicidal” thoughts, depressive episodes, etc., I have not really improved mentally. Not that these thoughts are serious in nature; they sort of just go in one side of my brain and out the other, and last all of about three seconds. But, the fact remains, I do think about it much more often than I would like. Especially, when I get letters telling me my “income” is to be taken away rather suddenly. I didn’t have a great reaction to that information, and landed myself in my therapist’s office that afternoon. 

But, on the other hand, I seem to have acquired a boyfriend who actually treats me well. I haven’t had one of those in a while. He’s a long-time friend, and cycling partner who has reintroduced me to how much I truly love my bicycle. It’s kind of like an adult extension of how I felt when I got my first bike when I was about 7. It was pink. All over. It had a pink frame, a pink vinyl sparkly banana seat, and a tall orange flag so people could see me. I also remember it was a Huffy. Riding is like playing; so many people think correctly that riding is exercise, but playing outside as we did in the 70’s is exercise, too. We just didn’t see it that way. P.E. class was exercise…..

So, I have a boyfriend that I have loved for many years in secret. It was just never an appropriate time to get together. First, I was his friend’s girlfriend for many years. Then we broke up, and I was seeing someone else. Then, I am free, and we go back to riding together, but he’s getting divorced. I was not about to be the rebound girl so I left him alone to work his way through his divorce. Then, I was married for 4 years which really did not work out. I do not know if it was the marriage thing that didn’t work for me, or if it was who I married that didn’t work for me. I think the latter. So, then I am going through a divorce and he’s chasing a different skirt, then we decide to try being friends with benefits which worked. But, there was the matter of the other girl so I decided to not interfere with a potential relationship, and we go back to being friends.

Apparently, that’s not really what either of us wanted. I sent him a message which I deleted twice telling him the truth of my end of things much to his amazement, and so we decided to see what would happen. I invited him to Thanksgiving at my mom’s and my stepdad’s house (he knows both of them as he is their bike mechanic), and that worked out well. We’ve been together about 7 months or so with the whole “dance” beginning about 8 years ago. Life is so surprising and at times, completely unexpected, but in beautiful ways. 

So, since the last update, there has been good things happening, and not so good things happening. Although, I am more than ready for the SSA benefits thing to end. It has been nearly a year since they started the process. I got the first inkling of the dreaded medical review in July of 2014, and it is now June 2015. That’s too long to spend completely stressed out. Thank goodness I have returned to my cycling which I love, and thank goodness I have remained a practicing Nichiren Buddhist because both serve to calm, encourage, push me to be better, and I find both to be quite soothing. Besides, endorphins make a person happier. And, so does knowing that you are loved by a good man who would never intentionally hurt you, and would be apologetic if he did, and vice versa. 

Well, the next installment should include the conclusion of the SSA benefits drama. I have had it with bureaucracies. I have been actively seeking employment, as I get the sinking feeling that the decision has already been made and that the hearing is merely a formality.

I am sorry if this page is a non-sequiter; I am a non-sequiter. I do find, however, that the mental issues I have either mellowed with time, or really respond to the medications they finally found after about 4 years on the med-go-round. It wasn’t the fun kind they have in parks either; it was without a doubt one of the worst experiences of my life. I haven’t made my life easy for myself either. I seem to need some level of chaos to survive. Twisted to be sure.  As I move into my mid-forties. I seem to find more peace in my life. I have a decent little place to live, I have good doctors and friends, I have a boyfriend who loves me, and has seen the “real” me (bipolar warts and all, and he still loves me); I do not quite get why as most people,especially men, hear the words “Bipolar Disorder”and then they flee quickly into the ether; I find this doesn’t really bug me anymore. It makes me wonder if staying medication compliant for all these years has somehow affected my brain and rewired it, if it is simply age and learning, or if it has really gotten better. I do not think it has gotten better. I am still emotionally labile, and do move from mania to depression quite easily, still have nightmares and am hyper-vigilant. I think it is a combination of age, medication, good doctors, and Nichiren Buddhism (which encourages spiritual revolution and growth).