I am still having a bit of difficulty getting my subconscious to get over my last relationship which pretty much fucked my whole self-image, and what I expect from a relationship. Now it is seeping into my conscious. Not good. I am not used to being or feeling loved. That was not what mt marriage was about. I was there to cook, clean, and ignore my husband’s little habit. Meanwhile, he thinks our divorce was mutual and blames me for having bipolar disorder which is his excuse for why it didn’t work. No, it was not my having bipolar disorder; it was his propensity for spending entire days and sometimes nights watching weird internet porn. This is a habit he continues to this day. That’s why I divorced him. He was abusive emotionally and mentally, and I am pretty sure has attachment disorder.
So anyway, one of my favorite songs about being the rebound relationship: Everclear “Santa Monica”
I had the oddest dream last night. i had spent the night at my boyfriend’s in an attempt to 1) see him, and 2) to escape my neighbor ( she doesn’t understand that I need a fair amount of people-free time). Anyway, the dream. It was third person and first person so it felt like I was watching and participating. I do not like that feeling for reasons I will perhaps explain later.
But, this dream was so real, I woke up thinking I was in the dream. I dreamt that I was watching my boyfriend with his former love interest, but at the same time, I was also present. While I know he is a loyal man, and that he loves me, I still have these stupid (okay, I know they are not stupid,;they just feel that way) insecurities and beliefs that have carried over from my marriage.
I was emotionally and verbally abused by my Internet porn-addicted ex-husband. He would watch porn when he knew I was there, and could see it. He also knew I felt it was very disrespectful of me for him to participate in that behavior. He did it any way. Like he didn’t care about me at all.. He never once told me I was beautiful or even pretty, and since he spent 16 to 18 hours a day doing this, I came to believe that I was worthless, ugly, not feminine enough, you name it, I am sure I felt it.
I made a determination at the start of this relationship that I would bring no baggage from my very destructive marriage. It would appear that my subconscious mind has brought the baggage with it. I have always felt a little like the second prize compared to girl #1. Which I do not understand. There is nothing wrong with me, except the Bipolar problem. What I can’t quite work my mind around is whether these thoughts and dreams are a carryover from my marriage, or if my gut is trying to tell me something. I didn’t listen last time, and bad things happened. Hmmmm……..
About a week ago a good friend of mine forwarded an article to me she had read, and thought I might be interested in. She knows about the struggle I have just to make it through a day without wanting to just give up. Believe me, I have tried to give up…..nearly 11 times that I can remember, and many others I do not remember. I was 12 when I was diagnosed with Major Depression…..it also happened to be the age that I first tried to commit suicide. The article my friend forwarded to me was about Project Semi-Colon. I had heard of the organization through the AGORA crisis center at UNM, and I had seen several of these tattoos.
As soon as I read the article explaining what these tattoos meant, I mustered up what little money I had, Googled semi-colon tattoo, and picked out a simple black tattoo about an inch and 1/2 in height. I took the bus and walked a few blocks to the tattoo shop where I had received my first tattoo many years ago. I left with a deep black tattoo on the back of my neck. Since I wear my hair short, it will always be visible.
This was my tattoo pattern.
The semi-colon tattoo represents those who are struggling with mental illness or other type of debilitating mental problem, and refuse to give in to the illness. The semi-colon when used in writing means the author has written but not yet finished a sentence, and a standard conjunction wouldn’t be appropriate. The tattoo symbolizes never giving up the fight against depression, suicide, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and the battle against mental illness in general. It means that your story isn’t over, nor will you let it end. I wish I could get a good picture of the tattoo as it is the most meaningful tattoo that I have and the most visible.
If anyone is interested the website is Project Semi-Colon. I have been dealing with mental illness for a very long time; about 31 years. Although, I have tried many times to just go to sleep and stay that way, something has always prevented me from carrying through with it. I am proud to have this tattooed on my body as it represents my own struggle against my particular cocktail of mental health problems.
Insomnia has got to be one of my least favorite symptoms of the Bipolar/PTSD/Various Anxiety disorders filled world that I live in. I hate not being able to sleep, although I have had this problem since I was a child (I was the kid reading under the covers until the wee hours).
I know all the things one is supposed to do, but sometimes I just cannot sleep. I try not to take naps, I have a sleep/wake cycle; But, no, sleep gets irritable and refuses to drop by until the alarm goes off., and by then it is too late. Another foggy day; and although coffee is the nectar of the sleepy, there isn’t enough caffeine to make up for missed sleep.
Apparently, two of the meds that keep the world safe from me cause sleep disturbance. What’s the point of having relatively benign mood swings if your sleep patterns change? Changes in my sleep/wake cycle have been known to cause minor psychoses; it doesn’t seem to matter if I am in a depressed downward spiral, or if I am manic and just do not need the sleep. The outcome is the same; the world looks at me as if I have polka dots, and I view the world and the people in it as threats. PTSD would like to thank the Academy. Oh, let’s not forget the vital role that ADD has in this lack of my dreamworld. Which leads me to the question: Why do you wake up just as the dream is getting interesting? That just doesn’t seem quite fair.
However, I digress. My father suffers from insomnia, and has as long as I have been here (so I would assume he had it before). I wonder if it is genetic like so many other mental issues. Yes, I consider insomnia a mental health issue. There are many people for whom sleep is necessary and vital to their well-being. I am not talking about the occasional sleepless night, but days of no sleep. If you are in a manic swing up, you start to believe that you can rule the world, you call people at wildly inappropriate times, and, for me, I clean. For a while, this great burst of energy is euphoric (like being on Ecstasy; don’t know never tried it). After a few days of this, you almost welcome the inevitable crash to the floor.
At least when I crash and burn from a manic episode, I can usually sleep for a few hours at a time. But, I am always up by 6am no matter how hard I try for just one more hour; the hour eludes me like the tail end of a slipstream that I am surfing. (I tend to liken mood swings to the ocean; it is either calm or it is not).
Right now, I am running on about 4 hours of very fitful sleep, and I have to ride my bike about 4 miles home. I do not like riding tired because your attention is not great and navigation is important when dealing with cars. The people in this city simply cannot drive: half are going at least 10 mph over the limit, another group is 10 mph below the speed limit, and the rest think it is the autobahn. That’s a lot of sensory input when you haven’t slept well. Meanwhile, my boyfriend is snoring away without a care in the world (at the moment; that comes upon waking). I, myself, woke up at 4:38 am after sleeping for maybe 4 non-contiguous hours. My eyes feel as they have been ground with sandpaper or maybe a Dremel tool.
Why don’t they warn you about the basics of your mental health cocktail? No one ever said that not sleeping was part of the deal. There should be flyers covering mental health conditions just the same as there are fliers about Diabetes, Heart Health, the dangers of smoking, etc. It would have been nice to know that my very own personal cluster-fuck (sorry) of diagnoses would include periodic bouts of NO SLEEP!! I feel like I am on speed and NyQuil all at the same time. I hate this particular facet of my meds and my little cluster-fuck of mental issues; here’s to sleeping before the psychosis sets in. I am already hearing things that aren’t there. That’s why I can’t sleep; sometimes the voices will just not shut up no matter how tired the mind and body are. I thought that was the purpose of anti-psychotics?
"Almost cut my hair
It happened just the other day, it's gettin' kinda long
I could-a said ''It wasn't in my way'
But I didn't and I wonder why,
I feel like letting my freak flag fly....."
Ctosby, Stills, Nash & Young ~ "Almost Cut My Hair" on Deja Vu
I can handle being labeled mentally ill. I can deal with being thought of as odd. I can sort of handle living in mixed episode world. What I cannot handle well are the deep blue indigo funks that accompany having Bipolar disorder and PTSD. I never know when they are going to come and completely derail any and all plans I may have had for the day. I cry for no reason at all, and this tendency toward depression has been a fixture in my life for more than 40 years. You would think I would have learned to handle it after so many years. However, each period of depression has its own life. It could last a day or two, or, in this case, several months. Many episodes sneak up on me. I do not see them coming until I am blind-sided.
Clearly, the anti-depressants do not really work. I am sure they are of some use, but they can’t stop the indigo funks. They just make them more bearable, I suppose. It is like the rough edges of the depression are somehow blunted or shaved off creating rounded corners like a beveled wood frame. Somehow these periods of depression can sneak by the anti-psychotics that my doctor prescribes to stabilize my moods. And these aren’t the funny, ha-ha kind of medications that many people take for whatever ails them. They cause my brain to be constantly floating in a bath of psychotropic chemicals. I do not have any idea what the long-term effects of these drugs have, and I highly suspect the doctors don’t know either.
I look at pictures of myself as a little girl, and I see this sparkle in her eyes. I see a little girl who wanted to be an astronaut, a fighter pilot, a doctor, a researcher, and for some weird reason that is only know to that little girl, a Playboy bunny (go figure). I see unlimited potential and intelligence in her eyes. I look now, and that sparkle is gone along with a lot of other things; naivete is replaced with jaded cynicism and a profound sadness and anger at a disorder that kills relationships, that causes a person to isolate to the point that friends stop coming around. I rage impotently at something I cannot see, that I cannot touch, that is abstract and intangible. I wonder when that little girl got so lost. Where did she go? And why did she leave?
I saw this 5 rules, somewhere, don’t know what they stand for and I am also sure I do not care where they lead and what they stand for.
This rules, sounds like cliché but one thing is certain, they make complete sense to me. Fresh!! I did like to call them.
I gained a lot from them, I thought I should share.
Hope they do make some kind of sense, ‘cos I felt they made complete sense to me. 🙂
The rules are as follows;
REMEMBER, YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYBODY
If someone is bullying you, complaining about you, or dissing you, do not make it your mission to try to convince that person to like you. This will only suck you deeper into that energy field and will make you energetically dependent on their opinion of you.
Not everyone is going to like you. Everyone on earth is living…
"Almost cut my hair
It happened just the other day, it's gettin' kinda long
I could-a said ''It wasn't in my way'
But I didn't and I wonder why,
I feel like letting my freak flag fly....."
Ctosby, Stills, Nash & Young ~ "Almost Cut My Hair" on Deja Vu
A Bipolar Journey Through The Rabbit Hole 