It’s kind of like the body is still warm. He’s already on dating sites looking for someone to replace me. I guess I was expendable. I thought he loved me, I was wrong. I was wrong about so many things. I am not sure I trust my judgment anymore. All I know is you won’t find me looking for a new partner any time soon. I have been too fucked over in this relationship to even consider another one. Fuck it. It’s really all over now.
Since I spend a good deal of time on the Internet I decided to look into when that usage becomes the compulsive need that drives addiction. In addition, having been an abuser of both legal (alcohol) and illegal (whatever you have) substances, and am currently addicted to my anti-anxiety medication (which makes it feel like I have come full-circle ~ that’s a whole different post) I am pretty good at picking out an addict to drugs, alcohol, or now according to the DSM-5, the Internet though not specifically, pornography.
However, the expanded definition of the compulsive behavior that drives Internet Addiction could certainly include an addiction to Internet Pornography. It is readily available, much of it free, and you don’t have to risk being seen coming out of the local porn shop. All an addict, or general consumer has to do is type “Free Porn” into any search engine and there it is. Trust me, I have been dealing with a porn addict for about three years, and I have tried the searches to see what comes up. It is instant gratification for the addict, and that serves to make it a rather insidious addiction. Other addicts have to actively go out and find their “drug of choice.” The Internet, on the other hand, is always there. It is a 24/7 “dealer.”
“In 1990 Aviel Goodman proposed a general definition of all types of addictions in order to extend the specific disorders included in the DSM-III-R. While not explicitly in the context of pornography, Goodman explains his criteria for addiction as a “process whereby a behavior, that can function both to produce pain and to provide escape from internal discomfort, [and] is employed in a pattern characterized by (1) failure to control the behavior (powerlessness) and (2) continuation of the behavior despite significant negative consequences (unmanageability).”[4] Goodman, Aviel (1990). “Addiction: Definition and implications”. Addiction 85 (11): 1403–8.
“Pornography addiction is diagnosed when an individual engages in the overuse or abuse of pornography to the extent that they experience negative consequences.” These negative consequences include significant losses or impairment including social, workplace, and personal relationships. “According to the San Francisco Chronicle, ‘If people want to escape feelings of low self-esteem, shame, isolation or the pressures of life, work or relationships, pornography is a place to get lost and feel wanted, imagining the perfect partners who always desires them – and whom they can always satisfy.'” [7] http://www.sfgate.com/health/article/Porn-addiction-destroys-relationships-lives-3272230.php#ixzz2N3ZSi4o7San Francisco Chronicle. The Chronicle goes on to point out that people who are truly addicted to pornography are at very high risk for job loss and spousal loss.
According to Dr. Asa Don Brown, an author for the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association: “Pornography’s downside is its ability to overtake one’s mind, body, and spirit. For so many, they become so enthralled with this alternative to sex, that it clouds their judgements leading to an acceptable denial.”
As with other addictions, the Internet Addict may try to stop or cut down on the time they spend on the Internet. They are often successful in cutting down for a while, but the compulsion is stronger than their willpower. While I understand this both mentally and emotionally (stopping my own addictive behaviors was extremely difficult and terrifying; what was I going to fall back on when life bit me in the butt?). It is difficult to watch when you are not the addict. People who love the addict worry for their health, the danger of being arrested if caught with illegal substances, the irrational nature of an addict’s behavior which is often explosive if pressured, and the general deterioration of the addict’s overall mental and physical health. In some cases where the addict has tried repeatedly to quit whatever it is they are addicted to and failed, their support systems will begin to shun them in an attempt to protect themselves. This includes parents, friends, spouses and acquaintances. The same holds true for Internet Addiction. It really is no different than a physical addiction which often includes psychological components which must also be addressed if the addict is to become well again.
Dr. Brown, mentioned above, goes on to say that: “For the addict, it is less about the desire and more about fulfilling a compulsive need.”
In a recent study, Tao et al. proposed the following eight symptoms of Internet addiction: from the DSM-V, proposed criteria for Internet Addiction:
(cf. Tao 2010).
Additionally, several subtypes of Internet Addiction have been identified:
“Several subtypes of Internet Use Disorder have been proclaimed, such as overwhelming, or inappropriate pornography use, online-gaming, online social networking, blogging, or internet-shopping. Also from the DSM-V:
Young et al. proposed the following 5 subtypes:
(cf. Young 1999).
The proposed DSM-V criteria for Internet Addiction are as follows:
In 2010, Tao et al. proposed the following diagnostic criteria for Internet addiction:
Symptoms:
All the following symptoms must be present:
At least one (or more) of the following must be present:
Exclusion:
The excessive internet use is not better accounted for by psychotic disorders or bipolar I disorder.
Clinically significant impairment:
The excessive internet use leads to functional impairments (eg. reduced social, academic, or working ability), including loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunities.
Course:
The internet addiction must have lasted for an excess of 3 months, with at least 6 hours of internet usage (non-business/non-academic) per day.
(cf. Tao 2010)
Having lived with an Internet addict for approximately three years with his primary usage focusing on pornogrpahy, I can attest to the deleterious effect that this “subtype” of Internet addiction can have. I have felt betrayed, cheated on (which sounds irrational at first until you think about it; your spouse is spending all or most of their time looking at pictures of other naked women, and your marital relationship is suffering), I have felt that he completely forgot his marriage vows or never took them seriously in the first place, I have become much more critical of how I look than I ever was before, my own libido has dropped (probably due to poor self image), poor self-image, lack of worth as a woman, unattractive (how am I supposed to compete with these women; I am an average woman, perhaps a little prettier than some and not as pretty as others), the list goes on.
He sees nothing wrong with his behavior (a sure sign of addiction), and doesn’t understand why I am so bothered by it. He claims his other significant others weren’t bothered. I think they just didn’t say anything. The ultimate result of what he calls a “diversion” and I call an “addiction” due to the fact that he engages in his “diversion” every day for at least 6-8 hours is that he lost me about two years ago. I just didn’t have the strength to leave or, perhaps I thought he would get better. He didn’t, and so now he has lost his wife whom he purported to love. I certainly hope it was worth it.
I am feeling melancholy. You know, that feeling about life, yourself, others that hovers just this side of feeling depressed. It’s like having Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you could just get more sunlight, everything will be okay. It is not exactly depression (which I have been just barely managing to avoid), but it is not exactly not depression either. It feels like being in a fog that is not too thick but you can’t see the house across the street. It reminds of that song by the band Garbage, “I’m Only Happy When it Rains.” Actually if it were to rain right now, that might be nice.
I hate feeling melancholy. It feels like a weight making you really unmotivated to do anything. And, even worse, I am much more likely to cry when I am melancholy but not completely depressed. At least when I am completely depressed, I cannot put my finger on why. Melancholy is different. I know why I feel this way, but am unable to stop the feeling. It is because someone forced my hand. I keep saying to myself if only this had happened or that had happened rather than what inevitably did happen, then I wouldn’t feel this way.
I have a tendency to develop a blank stare when I feel this way. I can stare out the window for hours wondering what might have been if circumstances had turned out differently. The point being circumstances are what they are, and I do not feel any control over them. They feel like a wave on the ocean; operating on its own due to the undercurrents. I am not surfing my sine wave at the moment. It has grown choppy and difficult to surf. It looks more like a graph of a minimal earthquake. Maybe that’s why I feel this way. I feel minimal.
A Bipolar Journey Through The Rabbit Hole 