Nervous

Today is the day I have been waiting for for about 7 months, and I find that I do not feel relief. I find that I am extraordinarily anxious and scared. Today is the day that I get to tell my side of the Bipolar story. I have no idea who will be there. I do not know if it will be one person or a panel of people. The only thing I know is that the inquisition will begin promptly at 9 am, and if I get there by 8:30 am, I can view the other side’s case file. I really do not like the fact that I get exactly 1/2 hour of “discovery” while if this were a hearing in a court of law, I would have received the case file long before this day. 

I have prepared myself. Off I go armed with a list of all the suicide attempts I can remember, the medications and the side effects, the list of jobs I have been fired from over the past few years and why, the reasons I can’t work due to a cluster of fucked up mental issues. Please pardon my use of a curse word, but how else do you describe having Bipolar I with psychotic features, PTSD, ADD, and Panic disorder with and without Agoraphobia. I am certain there are others who have it much worse than I do, but right now it feels like me against the world (or the bureaucratic Social Security system that is supposed to provide for people like me and the others who suffer everyday.)

Well, the iPhone I just had to have is informing me that it is time to get ready to have my case weighed, tested, and hopefully, not found wanting. I had better go make myself presentable but not “well groomed” as it seems that if one is “well groomed” that means not disabled when nothing could be further from the truth. I would like to see them try to live in my shoes for just a few days to see what it is like to live in mixed episode world with a healthy dose of anxiety thrown in for good measure. As if having Bipolar disorder was not enough. Oh well, off I go armed with paper and no chainmail or sword. Maybe a healthy dose of Klonopin would suffice.

On the Subject Of Job Hunting With An Employment Gap You Could Drive A Truck Through

I have decided that I have had it with the Social Security Administration. This denial of benefits and subsequent appeal situation has gone on long enough. This was started in July of 2014, and it is now 2015 and going on June. That is a year that this has been occupying my time and effort and thoughts. I have finally been informed that my face to face hearing has been set…finally. I figure I have a 50/50 chance. I will either win the appeal or I won’t. If I do not win the appeal, I have decided that this has taken up enough of my time and emotional resources which could be placed elsewhere where they may actually produce something other than a feeling of spinning wheels. I will not appeal a 2nd time because that would likely result in the need for legal services which I cannot pay for, and would never ask my mother or father to do so either.

I may be guilty of grandiose thinking, but I have bipolar disorder so that does happen, but I have started job hunting because I used to work as a payroll assistant or whatever title they gave it. The duties are almost the same from company to company. I enjoyed the interaction with people, I liked the structure of the position, I enjoyed training backups albeit sometimes frustrating, but, in general, I really liked to work at something other than trying to keep my apartment clean, and the laundry done. Besides that, I worked out how much I “make” per hour on Disability and it is $6.80 per “hour”. That’s not even minimum wage. It is scandalous. I paid my taxes just like everyone else when I was working, and that included a 6.25% bi-weekly contribution to Social Security.

However, now I have a dilemma. I have a pretty decent resume that could use some rewriting and formatting, but my last position ended quite badly in 2007 which is right before the economy tanked. Now I find myself in my 40’s looking for a position that will pay me what I am actually worth based on experience and skill level. I mean, I use Linux as my home operating system, and have managed to make the Windows programs I need to run on it, and Windows does not play well with Linux and Apple, forget it. So, I have an employment gap the size of a Mack truck in my work history, not to mention the fact that I cannot easily explain it away by saying I was raising a family or something equally acceptable. No, I have to have a “severe” psychiatric illness that took about 5 or maybe more years to stabilize. Employers say they abide by the ADA, but in many cases this simply isn’t true. 

Adderall

What does one say when the reason for their employment gap is illness, particularly mental health issues? “Hi, my name is blah blah, and the reason for the employment gap is convalecense from a personal illness”. The the recruiter asks if you are cleared to work, and even if you answer in the affirmative, you have just lost that job before you possibly even secured an interview. Another question I have received recently is “Is there any reason that you would not pass a pre-employment drug test”? Yes, there is. I take Adderall for ADD, and it is 4 amphetamines bound by a HCl salt. I have no idea if the metabolites from that medication will show up as a positive for meth or if they will show up as metabolites of amphetamines. I also take Klonopin; yet another positive test.

Klonopin 2mg

I am screwed, or so it feels. I am so accustomed to both drugs that I have an addiction to Klonopin, and the Adderall that helps me focus has little to no effect except to wake me up a bit. I have been on these medications for so long that I have become attenuated to them. I feel very few, if any, side effects from them. I do not get “high” off of them. I have worked while on them. But, believe me, being on medication designed to treat mental health issues are a real game changer, especially if the recruiter can identify it as such in the initial interview. And then there’s the whole problem of not being quite up to snuff on some of my work skills. I can still use Office with a good degree of proficiency, I can run a Linux machine, Windows is not a problem as I started with Windows 3.1 way back in the 90’s. I just have to find a way to say that the absence was due to illness without saying it was from illness. Seems a catch-22 to me. 

This Is How You Freak Out Someone With Mental Issues

 ..…….Send a Bipolar Type I with psychotic features, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Anxiety with and without Agoraphobia a cessation of disability benefits because some bureaucratic idiot determined you had improved medically and were physically able to work. For crying out loud, people at the SSA, I did not file for disability for medical/physical reasons. I applied under the mental health guidelines because my brain does not work the way it should when it comes to anxiety and mood regulation. I also have ADD which makes it really difficult to focus for more than about 45 minutes. 

That is how to freak out someone who already will automatically think: the world is over as far as I know it, and do I have enough medication to end the whole debacle right now. Not that I would do this. I made a vow to myself and all the powers that run the universe that if I got through the last attempt (which damn near killed me) without brain damage or any physical problems that I would never try that again. It came too close to being final, and that scared the living hell out of me. I do not want to die; I want the mood swinging to stop. Not too much to ask or maybe too much to ask.

And the spiral is getting worse the longer I wait. This whole process started in July 2014. It is now nearly April 2015. What’s that? Something like 8 months this has been going on. It is time for them to either approve or deny my appeal. I will appeal to a higher ajudicator on my 2nd appeal, but I am tired. That mental and physical tiredness that can only come from worrying and being on pins and needles for 8 months while the SSA folks cool their heels. It is a tiredness of the mind.

I have just about had it; I am too stressed, I am having major problems with anxiety (upped my dosage back to its original amount), depression (antidepressants do not seem to work on me), and mania to some degree. All this because of a letter; I think the average person might not fight so hard, because physical improvement is visible. Mental health is invisible, intangible so you have to argue twice as hard to prove that you are a walking mental case. None of this is right. Sorry if I seem hostile, but I am pissed off to no end right now.