I think anyone who has felt despair can relate to this one. Eventually, you have to learn to fly.
coping
Medication
I am tired of taking medication to keep other people sane.
Weathering The Storm That Life Can Be and Doing It With Joy and Strength
“Even when life brings one lemons, I’ve found the most helpful attitude is to be curious about the experience. Below are various bits and pieces to help inspire the process of doing that in your life.
Curiosity about ourselves and our inner lives is really what personal growth is about. And anyone regardless of whether they’re religious or secular can grow in this manner. It’s often called spirituality, but one need not attach oneself to that word to utilize the practices.” ~ Quoted from Beyond Meds
The American Buddhist nun Pema Chodron suggests what this might be like in her book, The Wisdom of No Escape: And the Path of Loving-Kindness
There’s a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You can see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the same.
A much more interesting, kind, adventurous, and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we’re committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of pain, we’re going to run; we’ll never know what’s beyond that particular barrier or fearful thing.”1
What she’s alluding to here is a kind of contentment and confidence that comes from a deeper place than simple ego-driven pursuit of pleasure or avoidance of discomfort. Rather than being at the mercy of our feelings, we learn to stay and hold our ground from a different place of knowing. We’re able to stand firm no matter what’s going on, whatever storms blow us around. We make our choices from a fuller awareness of who we are rather than what feels good. And because we’re acting with a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us, we can choose to flow in harmony with the world as it is, rather than fighting our way through it.
~ also Quoted from Beyond Meds
Being a practicing Nichiren Buddhist (Japanese origin rather than the Tibetan that most think of) has helped me immensely. As the quote states, we fight not against the grain of the problem but from a much deeper place within our selves that most of us do not even know exists. I do not know what to call it, specifically, but it runs deeper than the soul, the ego, the Id, the Superego. It is a place of joy and strength that is like an underground river that can be called upon when needed to weather a storm. And, in my rather humble and new-ish opinion, it is this river that allows us to face the onslaught of life with the grace and dignity that comes from the joy of knowing you will get through it, the outcome may not be what you want, but it will be what you need, and you will come out the other side of the tunnel even more more joyful, strong, and at peace because you know you can.
My Buddhist sect does not really meditate. We chant the Law of Cause and Effect that rules the Universe. You cannot make a cause (or action) that will not have an effect. I have found on occasion that I start to “trance out” while I am chanting, and it is like a meditation with a very specific goal in mind. You chant and live like you already have resolved the problem, or achieved the result you desired. Call it what you will: religion, spirituality, life philosophy, the key is to find what works for you. What brings you joy in the face of catastrophe, what well do you tap to weather that storm, fighting not against it but with it like the flow of water. Nichiren said (I am paraphrasing here) that a practitioner should become like a fish in water, not separable from its environment. And ours is huge.
I Am Not Sure How I am Feeling Today…….Somewhere Between Completely Pissed off and Sad (Warning: contains profanity)
i have had it. I have reached the end of my rope. I cannot stand people today. I tried to
do something that I thought would be appreciated by an certain individual yesterday. Turns out the road to hell really is paved with good intentions, but I had no idea it came with undeserved criticism, and a 15 minute long chastising discussion (one sided) about how what I had done was completely wrong. WTF!!?!?!??!
Then, to add insult to injury, said person said they recognize that our thought processes were different: first and foremost because of my “illness,” it is always my fucking illness first, then other reasons such as different backgrounds, different life experiences, etc. But, always the “illness” first and always foremost. Yeah, I have had a much harder life than said individual. But, I, in many ways “chose” that lifestyle based on things that happened to me when I was much younger. Much, much younger. Like barely 16.
I did not ask for the event that occurred and I was in no way old enough to process it. So, I buried it with drugs and alcohol. I did not know what else to do. (There goes the fucking phone again. I am going to rip them out of the wall). When I brought up that snorting speed and cocaine for about 6 years isn’t real healthy for the lungs either (not to mention you tend to chain smoke while high on stimulants), said individual says to me: “You know you always try to compare your experiences like they are similar to others’.” Snorting coke and speed is not good for any part of the body involved. You snort the stuff up your nose…..not good for septum and sinuses. Since you are snorting it, it goes straight into your lungs. That’s fucking healthy, and then you chain smoke. How is that different than smoking for 40 years? Fuck this person. Who the hell do they think they are? Who the fuck died and made them capable of walking on water while the rest of us drown?
So, said conversation (again one sided) basically went something like this. No thank you for trying to do something nice, just you know I cannot smoke commercial brand cigarettes because of the additives. I have to smoke pure tobacco. Said individual has been smoking since I was born, maybe they should quit if brand name cigarettes are going to have such a negative effect. Smoking any cigarette is going to be bad for your throat, lungs, mouth, etc. Then said individual pointed out that when they bought cigarettes for us (yes, I took up smoking after then “incident when I was 16”), that they always got the ones with no additives even if it meant driving further. Well, as people who read my blog know, I totaled my car for the New Year (January 5th). So,I have to drive another car that I am not entirely comfortable with (it is huge compared to my old car.) So, I went as far as I could before the anxiety set in.
I am so fucking sorry I tried to do something that I thought would be appreciated. Won’t happen again. Trust me. I may make mistakes all the time (due to my “illness”), but I do learn from some of them. This one I learned from. Good intentions are not appreciated. I feel taken for granted, I feel like I do not ever want to try to do anything nice for this person ever again.
Oh, and then there is what I found in my email yesterday from my Internet company. Apparently, I downloaded a “film” back in December from some company DBA as “Devil‘s Films”. First of all, I would not be looking at “films” produced by such a company: I find that I lose interest in about a nanosecond, and they are not my preferred viewing material. Apparently, this was a niche film involving two “grannies” getting down with each other. WTF would I be doing watching that kind of crap? I am 41 years old. Not 65. Were I not to be completely bored by the genre in general, I would prefer younger people, with a plot that actually tells a story….. not just two or more people doing their thing with each other. Now that I have finished raving and ranting about that, here comes the real problem. The account is in my name, with my email, my address. I “own” the account. It doesn’t matter what someone else does with it, I am the responsible party. I am the one who could get fined, I am the one who could be criminally prosecuted. Not the dipshit that downloaded the “film” in the first place. And, then said jackass says, “I don’t even have the video anymore. It was boring so I deleted it”.
Does not matter if the “film is still on the computer or not. The point is that it was downloaded in the first place. And the Internet company knows it. It came from my router’s IP address, it has my router’s MAC address, it has everything associated with the router’s configuration. My router and my IP and MAC addresses. That’s how it was traced in the first place. I am not a techno-idiot. I know how to trace people from their IP addresses and the MAC address of the computer. I can pin it down to a physical address, in whatever town, city, state. I can pull up satellite maps of the area. This is how the company discovered the copyright infringement.
For crying out loud, if you are going to risk the fine and/or jail time, why download two grannies getting it on. If that’s what you are into, you are married to a person in the wrong age group. Even at 41, I am considered in this realm as “mature,” meaning I am not 20 something. Find a new fucking hobby (pardon the bad pun). Like, oh I do not know, paying attention to your wife who is very close to leaving you, or at least, getting what she doesn’t get at home somewhere else.
I have never cheated on a lover before, but I am getting damn close. I get no attention, no affection, it is a given that I will clean the kitchen and cook dinner. No thank you’s. Those are implied. It may be implied, but it is nice to hear once in a while. I am so close to ending this relationship so I don’t end up cheating because I have very strong feelings about that. My father cheated on my mom with a family “friend” for about 6 years until they both divorced and then married each other. So, I have a thing about cheating. It is wrong. Break up first if you think you are going to the dark side. That way no one gets seriously hurt, and there is no having to forgive and forget. I am that close. But, considering what my mom went through, I just cannot do it. I will divorce first. It’s not like this is a marriage anyway. He sleeps on the couch and has for about 3 months. I sleep in the bed, and I won’t let him sleep there anymore. It has been about the same amount of time since we had sex (I know, overshare), but it is relevant to my wanting to cheat. I don’t understand.
My “illness” has not popped up recently which said person claims is why they are sleeping on the couch and we are not engaged in “normal” marital relations. I am 41 freaking years old. I still have a very healthy sex drive, and I do not even get kisses or hugs. I am talking zero physical affection. And, he wonders why I don’t put on my lingerie anymore. It such an obvious answer. The last few times I have tried that, I got shot down in flames, and felt like such an idiot. Since I do not feeling like an idiot for trying to initiate sexual relations with my husband, I stopped. No reaction, no sexy lingerie. That’s the way it works. What is the point if you get no reaction? You just sit there all dolled up while he watches PBS Newshour or some shit like that. It is humiliating. I am just going to let him have his “fantasy” amateur porn stars. They seem to do more for him than I can.
Besides, It is not like I am ugly. Quite the opposite. I am not beautiful, but I am very pretty. Coke bottle figure, a little more voluptuous than I would like to be, but not bad. I am well proportioned, I have eyes that change from grey to green, I have a large chest (which he claims he has always liked in women; not me apparently). Basically, I have no problem finding men. Most women don’t because men are, in general (not always), interested in one thing from women, and it isn’t philosophical conversation. Robin Williams once said that men only have enough blood to run one head at a time. True.
So, I am completely pissed off while at the same time really sad. Mixed-episode? I do not think so. I think everything in my little world has collapsed, and I am not handling it as well as I could be. I am getting angry, I am getting depressed, I am feeling unloved, unwanted, undesirable, not sexy (even though I know some guys who would disagree, just not the main one), I do not even know why I spend so much time doing my make-up (unless it is to out-do other women; this is likely. Women are catty like that). Continue reading
So Far This Has not Been A Great Holiday Season…..
…….And I am glad it is over. I do not think I can take much more “New Year’s” cheer. First, I lose my last grandparent right before Thanksgiving. I was not invited to Thanksgiving that year (2012). That was a first, so I am getting over her death. She was 97, and it was time for her to go. She outlived her husband by 27 years and 12 days. Now they are together again, if you believe such things. I myself do not, but I am a Buddhist. We do not believe in the rejoining of people in death, we believe in reincarnation when the right person is born for the energy left behind by another. Christmas was dismal despite my husband’s best efforts. I was extremely lacking in this department this year. Just couldn’t get it together in time. Now, last Saturday (the 5th) I go and rear end an Infiniti. I couldn’t take out out a 20 year Toyota. Oh no, I have to take out a $50,000 car. I am just waiting for the lawyer’s papers. So, now I am bus bound in the middle of winter. Not that I mind the bus. It has a sub-culture all its own, which fascinates my sociological mind. I could do without the wind and the cold though. So, let’s just say, it really only can get better from here,
Sorry for the lack of posting. I had a toolbar from hell that was blocking my access to my blog on Chrome, and I couldn’t find it anywhere in my computer to delete it. Very frustrating.
All in all, this has been a frustrating year so far, but I am looking forward to the weight loss from tramping from bus stop to bus stop 🙂
Well, I Have a New Manicure, And I Am Learning To Accept The Death of My Grandmother
My Grandma died (I am not going to say passed away or any other euphemism) on November 17, 2012. She died 27 years and 12 days after her husband who died when I was 14 years old. She was 97 years old when she died. That’s a damn long time to live. I do not think I would like to live that long because every one I care about would be gone by then. That and I am not entirely certain that I like the way the world is going right now. It is either going to get better or worse. Those are the options.
But, I am slowly processing the fact that she is gone and is not coming back. I am also beginning to realize what an immense influence both she and my Granddad had on me. I do not think I would have had the strength to become who I am without the presence of either of them. When I asked her last Christmas how she met my Granddad, she said she had a nickel and she went to town. Well, I am glad that she had that nickel.
I can remember them taking care of my sister and myself on year when my parents went to Puerto Rico (I think) for a couple of weeks. There was always an old lunchbox full of Matchbox cars and dominoes and Chinese checkers that were in a closet that was off “yonder.” I consider myself both horrified and proud to know that I know where yonder is regardless of where it really is. If you tell me to this day that something is off yonder a ways, I can always find my way there.
She always made the best cherry pies for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanksgiving was a little weird this year as we buried her ashes on the 20th of November, and Thanksgiving was two days later. It was the first Thanksgiving in my lifetime that she was not there. This will be my first Christmas without her. That will be difficult, I think. I try not to cry or get overly emotional because when I do, I find it hard to stop.
She was amazing in so many ways. She and my Granddad were married shortly after the Depression and right before the Dust Bowl. They lived in a very simple house on the eastern plains of Texas. One story I remember her telling is how she needed eyeglasses, and my Granddad went out and hand-picked cotton until he had the money to buy her the glasses she needed. If they were picking together, he would carry her sack because he was stronger (she was tiny), and when it got too hot, he would send her inside where it was cooler. Her maiden name was Hatfield. So, I am descendant of a Hatfield. That’s kind of cool. Knowing that I struggle financially, she would periodically make up “gifts” of coffee, canned soup, crackers, flour, and other dry goods. She knew what it meant to be poor.
She was so strong, and caring at the same time. She hardly ever smiled because she just didn’t. She didn’t express her opinion often, but as I grew up, I learned that didn’t mean she didn’t have one, because she most certainly had an opinion on everything. Especially things that affected her family. She was a woman of few words, but when the words came out of her, they were short, to the point, and you listened. And you listened good. She only really spoke her mind when she felt it to be absolutely necessary. I remember her telling my husband that he “better take good care of her granddaughter.” And, that was all she had to say about that. To this day, he remembers that. I was her first granddaughter. And she loved me fiercely though I did not realize it until it was too late to tell her how much I loved her.
She cared for those she loved like a lioness protecting and teaching her cubs. And she loved her family with that ferocity. Her strength and dignity still amaze me.
She died exactly where she wanted to be: in her recliner. Her life touched me in a way that I am only beginning to understand. My aunts and uncles, her children, have been my babysitters, my one uncle has always been the “goto” guy. He’s the one that came with her when I wrecked my first car at the age of 15. It was his house where she died. I am glad that she was with familiar people when she died. I am glad they moved her from the hospice where she was. And, I am glad that she died with some family around. It is soothing to know that she died near her loved ones.
I am proud to have been her granddaughter, and I am very proud to be her first-born’s daughter first-born even if I am a little weird sometimes 🙂 I love all of you very much, and I appreciate the help you all have given me over the years (even when you didn’t know that you were helping me), I appreciate the lessons I have learned from all of you even if it took some time to stick. And, I especially appreciate the fact that all of you did not give up on me when it would have been so easy to do. And that definitely includes my Grandma who never gave up.
Exploration: Is Being Self-Centered The Same As Being Selfish?
I have this muddle going on in my mind. My husband said the other night that I can be very self-centered, and he did not mean it nicely. He said it the way he did because he knew that I would run home to mommy. I was so upset by his comment that I had to put the question to someone who knows me really well. He wrote me back saying it was dangerous territory and he apologized in advance if he offends me. He started by saying that I am an “exceedingly self-centered” person. But he finished the letter encouraging me to find the kind of love and respect that I deserve and he knows that I do not get it at home.So, the definition of “self-centered” is according to Merriam Webster, be patient here. I have to go look up the true definition of the word not just my explanation.
“Self-Centered” means 1) independent of outside force or influence (the role of the self-sufficient). It also means 2) concerned solely with one’s own desires, needs or interests. (This would be the description of me) 3) these are interesting: narcissistic, egotistical, self-involved, selfish, self-seeking, etc.
After the email I got from my friend, and I had asked him because I know he has a personality like Comet cleanser (the powder kind) sometimes, and I knew he would tell me the absolute, no holds barred, unflinching truth even if he did run the risk of making me really angry. Because he is a very longtime friend of mine, he knew he risked telling me something I did not want to hear, but he would tell me because he does love me in his own twisted way. And I love him in my own twisted way. i love him because he does not play games with you. He shoots from the hip, and says what he means. He rarely will say something he doesn’t mean. Its like Mozart but different. It is as if everything he was going to have to say in his life time was predetermined. Its creepy sometimes. Anyway, seeing as how I am so extraordinarily self-centered, it is time to talk about me 🙂
I think to a certain extent when one is ill mentally or physically, you have to be a little self-centered so that you can take care of you. In the end, all we have is ourselves, and the aged bodies that we arrived in. Especially if the illness is chronic and progressive. Vigilance over one’s self is necessary to lead a fairly functional life. When this vigilance starts to crack and you sprout wings and fly, I am pretty certain you have gone manic/mad. So, no, I disagree with both his and my husband’s assessments of me. I am not an all consuming egotist that chews up everything I run across. I will admit that, yes, I do sometimes put myself ahead of others, and I admit this behavior doesn’t lend itself well to lasting relationships (unless both parties are nuts). I feel that a certain amount of self-centeredness is acceptable for everyone, sick or not, Vampire or not. We need it to survive sometimes. It can be our intuition telling us that we need to get the heck out of dodge like yesterday.
But, yes, I will admit that since I finally developed this lovely disorder instead of just being depressed all the time, I have become more self-oriented, more self-centered than I was a few years ago because I had to become that way or the head doctors would still be testing their medications on me like I was some kind of lab rat. I had no idea that when you check into a mental hospital, you are their hostage guinea pig for at least 72 hours. That’s three days of brain damage they could inflict. I didn’t know. I wasn’t ready for it. And the doctors walked all over me. I left with 6 or 7 prescriptions; some for the morning and some for the evening. I was so messed up. We couldn’t even tell what worked because of the number of medications. So, yeah, I had to get a little self-centered and try to advocate for myself, and I have never had a voice. Maybe I took it too far.
Maybe I became everything I used to loathe about people; I had problems and still have problems with people who speak before they think, and act before they think it through. I see a lot of that type of behavior in my own life. And, in my relationship, although he may not understand that I am doing the best I can; I am trying to think of him more ahead of myself, but since he never says thank you, and accepts his gift with an air of entitlement, like he has given so much to this relationship and I have contributed nothing. Well, I can tell you he brought one thing to the relationship that sends me over the edge is his addiction to Internet porn. his realistically longest lasting impression that he will leave on this relationship is that I walked out because I do not need to be taken for granted, and I sure as hell do not deserve a husband who spends 12-24 hours on the net collecting pictures of nude women. Hello! I am screaming over here, and you turn a deaf ear. Continue reading
Fearless ~ Pink Floyd
“Fearless”
You say the hill’s too steep to climb,
Chiding!
You say you’d like to see me try,
Climbing!
You pick the place and I’ll choose the time
And I’ll climb
The hill in my own way
just wait a while, for the right day
And as I rise above the treeline and the clouds
I look down hear the sound of the things you said today
Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling
Merciless, the magistrate turns ’round, frowning
and who’s the fool who wears the crown
Go down in your own way
And everyday is the right day
And as you rise above the fearlines in his frown
You look down
Hear the sound of the faces in the crowd
Chiding!
You say you’d like to see me try,
Climbing!
You pick the place and I’ll choose the time
And I’ll climb
The hill in my own way
just wait a while, for the right day
And as I rise above the treeline and the clouds
I look down hear the sound of the things you said today
Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling
Merciless, the magistrate turns ’round, frowning
and who’s the fool who wears the crown
Go down in your own way
And everyday is the right day
And as you rise above the fearlines in his frown
You look down
Hear the sound of the faces in the crowd
For The Sake Of Strangers ~ Dorianne Laux
Struggling Back
As I fight my way back from what was becoming a paralyzing mixed episode while house hunting, packing and moving (in the process I had my old sick cat put down and gave another away to the Animal Shelter which means almost certain doom), I find that being on the very edge is definitely not a place I ever want to be again. By all rights, I should have been in the hospital. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t really eat (whenever I tried my throat would not let me swallow), I was suicidal, however I had no time to be any of those things that so commonly land a Bipolar in the hospital. I was fighting tooth and nail to remain sane, or at least, a semblance of sane. Because I wasn’t really. I had gone mad, the meds were not working, nothing was working. I was getting mentally and physically exhausted. I have not had the time to mourn my pets who were probably my closest “friends.” I have a husband who has no sympathy or understanding for what I did. My ex fiance and a long time friend of mine had more sympathy and understanding of the pain. That isn’t right, and does make me question whether my husband has some form of attachment disorder or something. I have never met anyone who does not have sympathy for a person who has lost a pet. Any way, to close on a more positive note, I found this quote this morning in one of my too many books:
“Try not. Do or do not, there is no try” ~ Yoda, from The Empire Strikes Back
A Bipolar Journey Through The Rabbit Hole 