The Five Stages Of Grief And Loss ~ I Thought I Had Finished These

English: Emotions associated with anger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently there are five stages identified by the mental health professionals to be the cycle of loss and grief. (I do not know if this is a series that implies linear psychological movement or if a person oscillates between stages)  They are in order:

1. Denial & Isolation ~ This is the stick your head in the sand and pretend nothing is happening phase. Actually, it is the first reaction to finding out very bad emotional news such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, etc. This phase allows a person to block out harmful words and to hide from the facts. It is a temporary response meant to get a person through that first wave of pain. It is not intended to last forever.
2. Anger ~ This is the phase where you point an enraged finger at everything and everyone. In reality, this phase arrives after the masking phase of denial & isolation wears off and the reality and pain of the situation reassert themselves, and we are just not quite ready for them. During this phase, we tend to deflect the most intense emotions by redirection and expression as anger. This anger can be pointed at anything or anyone. One may also feel guilty about feeling angry and become even more so.
3. Bargaining ~ The “if only” phase. Bargaining is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability and often represents a need to regain control. I call this the “if only” phase because a person in this phase is thinking to themselves “if only I had been a more behaved child, my parents would have stayed together” or “if only I had noticed the changes sooner, my husband would not be as ill as he is.” Basically, one is telling oneself that “if only” they had been or done x,y, and z, then everything would have turned out differently. This is a much weaker line of defense against the pain that is reality. Whatever has happened is done. There is nothing to bargain for or with at this point.
4. Depression ~ a fairly obvious stage, i would think. There are two types associated with mourning. The first is a reaction to the practical implications of the loss. Sadness and regret play a big part in this phase. It is kind of an extension of the bargaining phase in that one regrets things one has done, and experiences remorse because one is still going through the “if only’s”, but is about to come out the other side into the reality of what has happened. The second type of depression that occurs is much more subtle and perhaps, more personal in nature. This is the phase in which one is quietly preparing themselves to separate from and say goodbye to someone or something we love(d) goodbye. This is the deeply personal sorrow at one’s loss, and is uncomfortable because while one is still deeply sad, at the same time, a person is preparing to move on.
5. Acceptance ~ or in my opinion, a form of enlightenment. This is not a phase that everyone reaches. Some people may never move past denial and anger. It is not a brave and noble thing to deny the inevitable and the opportunity to make our own form of peace. This phase is very quiet and withdrawn, however, it is not a period of happiness, although it must be distinguished from depression. Coping with a personal loss is a deeply individual and singular process. No two people will grieve a loss in the same way. Nobody can help a person go through it with more ease or to understand the very personal emotions one is experiencing. The best thing one can do is to allow oneself to experience the pain when it comes because resistance will only prolong the process of healing. I call this a form of enlightenment because if one can work their way through this maze, and come out of it changed for the better and more at peace with oneself and the world around you, you have achieved a form of enlightenment, in my opinion.

i thought I had already prepared myself for the loss and grief of the death of my marriage. I had been unhappy for at least two years, apparently completely missed by my husband. I thought I had already decided the relationship was over and that I had been alone for awhile. Nope, I was really wrong. When something like a divorce is just a thought, albeit a very serious thought, one is still married. There is still hope for change if both parties are willing to put in some serious work, and both parties are willing to work on changing things their partner is really unhappy with. But, even counseling is an exercise in futility if even one person is not on the same boat. When one person feels that the other is the one who needs to do all the changing while they continue happily along with their own odious behaviors, even the most skilled therapist will not be able to effect any change in the marriage. 

That is how it seemed to me in my own relationship. I was the one who was mentally “interesting.” I was the one who got angry and yelled and threw mini-tantrums. I was the one who just couldn’t get with the program which was my husband could watch Internet porn all day, but I could not bring a male friend to the house. Apparently, I was the “only” woman who ever had any problem with his viewing porn. I had no problem with it either, just not 8 or 9 hours a day, every day. Eventually, it got to the point where I wasn’t even saying anything about it because that was a pointless way to spend breath. I just let him do it, and continue doing it, and I would periodically make unhappy grumbling noises about a divorce which he erroneously thought of as a threat or an ultimatum to get him to slow down. It wasn’t either, it was a certainty. It was just a matter of when. 

I truly have been questioning why I stayed in a relationship that so obviously emotionally and insidiously verbally abusive for so long. I am not a weak willed person, at least I did not think so. Yet, I stayed in a relationship that was incredibly abusive in the ways that leave no visible marks but eventually erodes your sense of who you are in the most basic of ways. I no longer think of myself as attractive (I couldn’t live up to the women on the Internet), I no longer think of myself as a sexy, feminine woman, I question my rationality, I question everything i once held to be true about myself. I question my worth to anyone. Hell, I question my worth to myself. I think I am moving between denial, anger, and depression. Even that I am unsure of. I cannot figure out how I could have let this happen to me other than hope springs eternal, and I thought maybe one day he would wake up and realize what I was worth to him. He knows now. 

You Are Only an Illness, Not A Person

The Madhouse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Me, personally, I would lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of chardonnay, and some lavender scented bubble bath.

Okay, all the funny stuff is over, and you are struck by your realization that someone you have loved does not and has not nor will they ever see you as a walking, breathing, and sensitive person that happens to also HAVE Bipolar disorder. They see you for your disease and they choose to define you as a walking pathology. How do you fight the preconceived idea that you are bipolar and that is all you are to them? You have become a non-entity, and realize you have been invisible for a long time. Is that why you fight about really stupid stuff? Negative attention is better than no attention; I think it was Skinner who came up with that idea (?) It really doesn’t matter who said it. It is part of the “woe is me” model of ongoing, chronic mental illness. I do not agree with this “woe is me” approach on many levels.

First, the afflicted individual is saying to him/herself, I am just an illness, I am not a person. And, therefore people can do anything they want to me because I am like a disease popsicle.

Second, as demonstrated by a person I thought was intelligent, everything that goes wrong can be tied directly to the fact that you ARE bipolar. Yet, anther example of the stupidity that goes into creating the stereotypes and stigma of having a mental issue. It’s people like this that continue to spread the epidemic that is the stigmatization of mental illness; why would anyone willingly tell someone their story if they knew it would be used to stab you in the back with it? Repeatedly. I over heard said person talking to an old neighbor and actually told her we were getting divorced because of MY BIPOLAR. Ummm. Hello, I am the one who filed for divorce! Doesn’t that mean to you, “Oh shit, I’d better figure out what is going wrong?”

We are not getting divorced because I have bipolar, it is because you are addicted to Internet Porn (which I have repeatedly told you I disliked), it is because you have become emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. You set me up every time. You make sure that I have no money, that I have limited access to your car (I let you use mine without question). All of the classic signs of abuse. You have no idea how much you have hurt me in the name of helping me out the life I had which was a perfectly good one, I had friends, I went out. You complain we never went anywhere. Well, maybe if you weren’t so fucking vain that you have to look like an Armani suit every time you go anywhere. You are losing sight of the reason’s I decided to divorce you. I have not sight of mine, or maybe you never knew the reasons why the marriage fell apart. HINT: it happened the night you threatened me with bodily harm. I don’t take that from anyone.

You have consistently treated me like a walking destructive force of nature, and yes, I can be. However, I haven’t been that way in many moons which if you were not busy with your porn. you would have noticed. You treat me like I am negative, defeatist, blah blah blah. You made me into that. Stupid @^#@! *&%^ you! I am out of here in less than a week. Do not fear I will take the Internet away with me, I will take my friends away with. You are pathetic.

How do you recover purpose as well as self-worth when someone had hurt you so badly, that you do not know who to trust, who’s mask is better than the next one. what is their real personality, basically paranoia? Is it allowable paranoia, is it valid paranoia, or is that one voice in you that says trust no one? Or are you filtering through your rather warped and damaged lens? Is it really your fault? Probably, since every thing is his mind eventually comes around to illness. He can’t even tell when I am manic or when I depressed. That’s the extent of observation It’s like a cave man grunting upon the finding of meat. That’s about the level of functioning he has. He is a cave man grunting upon finding meat, but never looks past that to see if there is more.

An Examination Of Internet Addiction With An Emphasis On Pornography Addiction

English: Caricature on “The great epidemic of pornography”. From 19th-century French illustration (in Courrier Français?). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An Examination of Being (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Addiction (Photo credit: quadrant6ix)

Since I spend a good deal of time on the Internet I decided to look into when that usage becomes the compulsive need that drives addiction. In addition, having been an abuser of both legal (alcohol) and illegal (whatever you have) substances, and am currently addicted to my anti-anxiety medication (which makes it feel like I have come full-circle ~ that’s a whole different post) I am pretty good at picking out an addict to drugs, alcohol, or now according to the DSM-5, the Internet though not specifically, pornography.

However, the expanded definition of the compulsive behavior that drives Internet Addiction could certainly include an addiction to Internet Pornography. It is readily available, much of it free, and you don’t have to risk being seen coming out of the local porn shop. All an addict, or general consumer has to do is type “Free Porn” into any search engine and there it is. Trust me, I have been dealing with a porn addict for about three years, and I have tried the searches to see what comes up. It is instant gratification for the addict, and that serves to make it a rather insidious addiction. Other addicts have to actively go out and find their “drug of choice.” The Internet, on the other hand, is always there. It is a 24/7 “dealer.”

“In 1990 Aviel Goodman proposed a general definition of all types of addictions in order to extend the specific disorders included in the DSM-III-R. While not explicitly in the context of pornography, Goodman explains his criteria for addiction as a “process whereby a behavior, that can function both to produce pain and to provide escape from internal discomfort, [and] is employed in a pattern characterized by (1) failure to control the behavior (powerlessness) and (2) continuation of the behavior despite significant negative consequences (unmanageability).”^[4]  Goodman, Aviel (1990). “Addiction: Definition and implications”. Addiction 85 (11): 1403–8.  

“Pornography addiction is diagnosed when an individual engages in the overuse or abuse of pornography to the extent that they experience negative consequences.” These negative consequences include significant losses or impairment including social, workplace, and personal relationships. “According to the San Francisco Chronicle, ‘If people want to escape feelings of low self-esteem, shame, isolation or the pressures of life, work or relationships, pornography is a place to get lost and feel wanted, imagining the perfect partners who always desires them – and whom they can always satisfy.'” [7]  http://www.sfgate.com/health/article/Porn-addiction-destroys-relationships-lives-3272230.php#ixzz2N3ZSi4o7San Francisco Chronicle. The Chronicle goes on to point out that people who are truly addicted to pornography are at very high risk for job loss and spousal loss.

According to Dr. Asa Don Brown, an author for the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association: “Pornography’s downside is its ability to overtake one’s mind, body, and spirit. For so many, they become so enthralled with this alternative to sex, that it clouds their judgements leading to an acceptable denial.”

As with other addictions, the Internet Addict may try to stop or cut down on the time they spend on the Internet. They are often successful in cutting down for a while, but the compulsion is stronger than their willpower. While I understand this both mentally and emotionally (stopping my own addictive behaviors was extremely difficult and terrifying; what was I going to fall back on when life bit me in the butt?). It is difficult to watch when you are not the addict. People who love the addict worry for their health, the danger of being arrested if caught with illegal substances, the irrational nature of an addict’s behavior which is often explosive if pressured, and the general deterioration of the addict’s overall mental and physical health. In some cases where the addict has tried repeatedly to quit whatever it is they are addicted to and failed, their support systems will begin to shun them in an attempt to protect themselves. This includes parents, friends, spouses and acquaintances. The same holds true for Internet Addiction. It really is no different than a physical addiction which often includes psychological components which must also be addressed if the addict is to become well again.

Dr. Brown, mentioned above, goes on to say that:  “For the addict, it is less about the desire and more about fulfilling a compulsive need.”

In a recent study, Tao et al. proposed the following eight symptoms of Internet addiction: from the DSM-V, proposed criteria for Internet Addiction:

1. Preoccupation with the internet
   A strong desire for the internet. Thinking about previous online activity or anticipation of the next online session. Internet use is the dominant activity in daily life.
2. Withdrawal symptoms
   Manifested by a dysphoric mood, anxiety, irritability and boredom after several days without internet activity.
3. Tolerance
   A marked increase in internet use required to achieve satisfaction.
4. Difficult to control
   Persistent desire and/or unsuccessful attempts to control, cut back or discontinue internet use.
5. Disregard of harmful consequences
   Continued excessive use of internet despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problems likely to have been caused or exacerbated by internet use.
6. Social communications and interests are lost
   Loss of interests, previous hobbies, entertainment as a direct result of, and with the exception of, internet use.
7. Alleviation of negative emotions
   Uses the internet to escape or relieve a dysphoric mood (e.g. feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety).
8. Hiding from friends and relatives
   Deception of family members, therapist and others about the actual cost/time of internet involvement.

(cf. Tao 2010).

Additionally, several subtypes of Internet Addiction have been identified:

“Several subtypes of Internet Use Disorder have been proclaimed, such as overwhelming, or inappropriate pornography use, online-gaming, online social networking, blogging, or internet-shopping. Also from the DSM-V:

Young et al. proposed the following 5 subtypes:

• cybersexual addiction,
• cyber-relational addiction,
• net compulsions,
• information overload, and
• computer addiction.”

(cf. Young 1999).

The proposed DSM-V criteria for Internet Addiction are as follows:

In 2010, Tao et al. proposed the following diagnostic criteria for Internet addiction:

Symptoms:

All the following symptoms must be present:

• Preoccupation with the internet (the subject thinks about previous online activity or anticipates next online session).
• Withdrawal (dysphoric mood, anxiety, irritability and boredom after several days without internet activity).

At least one (or more) of the following must be present:

• Tolerance (marked increase in internet use required to achieve satisfaction),
• Persistent desire and/or unsuccessful attempts to control, cut back or discontinue internet use,
• Continued excessive use of internet despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem likely to have been caused or exacerbated by internet use,
• Loss of interests, previous hobbies, entertainment as a direct result of, and with the exception of, internet use,
• Uses the internet to escape or relieve a dysphoric mood (e.g. feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety).

Exclusion:
The excessive internet use is not better accounted for by psychotic disorders or bipolar I disorder.

Clinically significant impairment:
The excessive internet use leads to functional impairments (eg. reduced social, academic, or working ability), including loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunities.

Course:
The internet addiction must have lasted for an excess of 3 months, with at least 6 hours of internet usage (non-business/non-academic) per day.

(cf. Tao 2010)

Having lived with an Internet addict for approximately three years with his primary usage focusing on pornogrpahy, I can attest to the deleterious effect that this “subtype” of Internet addiction can have. I have felt betrayed, cheated on (which sounds irrational at first until you think about it; your spouse is spending all or most of their time looking at pictures of other naked women, and your marital relationship is suffering), I have felt that he completely forgot his marriage vows or never took them seriously in the first place, I have become much more critical of how I look than I ever was before, my own libido has dropped (probably due to poor self image), poor self-image, lack of worth as a woman, unattractive (how am I supposed to compete with these women; I am an average woman, perhaps a little prettier than some and not as pretty as others), the list goes on.  

He sees nothing wrong with his behavior (a sure sign of addiction), and doesn’t understand why I am so bothered by it. He claims his other significant others weren’t bothered. I think they just didn’t say anything. The ultimate result of what he calls a “diversion” and I call an “addiction” due to the fact that he engages in his “diversion” every day for at least 6-8 hours is that he lost me about two years ago. I just didn’t have the strength to leave or, perhaps I thought he would get better. He didn’t, and so now he has lost his wife whom he purported to love. I certainly hope it was worth it.

 

 

I Need To Go Somewhere Else ~ I Shall Go Completely Mad If I Stay Here

Over Now (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I know it’s bad when I have forsaken my Alice in Chains, Pink  Floyd, and Nine Inch Nails for Marilyn Manson. I think I am slowly going mad. The Christians have a saying that God does not give more than you can handle. That’s a nice sentiment but I am Buddhist, and everything that is good in my life and everything that is bad in my life is all my own doing (or undoing, as it appears to be). I am the source of the answer and the problem, and I have no answers, just problems. I can no longer see any light at the end of the tunnel. It has gone out, or the lantern bearer is on break. I feel like I am in the boat crossing the river Styx with Charon at the helm, and he is taking us further and further down the river towards Hades and away from the light.

My soon to be ex-husband is closed up in his little room with the door shut watching his porn, and diving deeper into his fantasy life. I wish I had a fantasy life. I have always been too practical and logical to have much of an active fantasy life. To me, if it wasn’t something tangible I could touch, it didn’t exist (I know that sounds a little like Kant‘s philosophy that as soon as an object is out of sight, does it cease to exist?), if it could not be proven scientifically, I had no use for it. I do not believe is God, so that is out of the question. It would be so nice to just be able to “turn my problems over to God” and let him/her deal with the hows and the whys. But I can’t see or touch God, therefore he/she doesn’t exist in my realm. I wish I could “Let go and let God,” or whatever that bumper sticker says. But, how can one turn one’s problems over to an entity they cannot prove the existence of? That’s too much of a leap of faith for me. It requires trust in something I cannot touch, see or conceive of.

So, I am becoming increasingly stuck in my own mind which is not a good place to be right now. I cannot seem to achieve the mind-heart disconnect that I have been able to successfully complete in the past. Even though he has taken away my sense of myself as attractive and sexy which are very feminine yearnings. I had that sense once, but that part of me is under deep cover right now. I know I should be mad about that, but somehow, I have decided that everything that went wrong with this relationship is my fault. I wasn’t tolerant of his porn addiction (and it is an addiction, at this point), I did not act or do things the way he expected a wife to do. I am NOT going to clean the house in lingerie and high heels as he seems to have come to believe that “real and sexy” women do. Porn has warped his sense of gender roles and sexuality in general. And, yet he claims to know the difference between the reality of marriage and the “fantasy women.” No, he doesn’t. With addiction came the blurring of the line, just like it does with any addiction. However, I felt very disrespected, and said so on more than one occasion. He didn’t listen. Junkies do not listen to people telling them they are sick. They believe their behaviour is within the realm of the normal. I have been an addict. There is nothing normal about it. 

I cannot decide how I feel. I am decidedly not manic, nor am I particularly depressed. I am extraordinarily stressed out, and I am sad. I can tell because I am dropping weight like I was actually dieting. But, the truth is I cannot eat. I cannot sleep for more than 4 or 5 hours a night. This is going to drive me mad. Not nuts, I am already there, but completely mad. The kind you may or may not come back from in the same form you had before. There is no going back, anyway. Every experience shapes you for the better, the worse or both. This is a both situation. I have changed for the better in some ways, and for the worse in others. Like my trust factor is shot right now. I entrusted him with my heart and soul, and he broke my heart. There is nothing on this planet that I will likely experience at this point in time that will break my soul. I have already been through that, too, and lived. It took a while to pull the pieces back together, but I did it, and came out stronger.

I Just Don't Understand……Maybe I Really Am As Dumb As I Feel Sometimes

You Don’t Understand Me (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I do not get some people. It isn’t for lack of trying. Every person I have spoken to today has either been very snide or has outright yelled at me. Which tends to make me really irritable. I am already having a “manic episode” which means that I am not sleeping, eating, or anything else I supposed to do to keep myself healthy. What I do not get is why other people cannot seem to see when I am “sick” (I hate that term), and that is when they choose to get strange on me. 

 

I have no one to talk to about what is happening to me because nobody wants to hear it; they’ve got their own, much more important problems to deal with. I am being sued by my student loan provider, I am on the verge of being sued by my other student loan provider, if they win the payment amount per month that they want, I will be homeless because I simply can’t make nearly $300.00 in loan payments and pay rent. I figured it out. If I pay as the plans stand, I will have $662 (roughly) to pay rent, utilities, and try to feed myself. That’s impossible. I will be homeless. I will lose everything I have worked so hard to accomplish both socially and privately. Material possessions can be replaced eventually, but once you have been knocked down, it is really hard to stand back up.

 

I am going through a divorce and trying to live out the lease with my soon to be ex-husband. I can’t talk to him about how I feel about that. Most of the times, I feel okay about it. Neither of us were happy. But, then there are days like today where I really need someone to just listen to me. I feel very sad and lonely (as per the usual) today. I didn’t want to file for divorce, but it was the only thing that would resolve the entire situation between us. We fought all the time, made snide remarks about each other, he always defined me by my mental “interestingness”, but never by who I really am which is a normal person who feels life more intensely than most. I wrote him a note today trying to explain to him that I was not doing this out of malice, or that I can no longer tolerate him, but rather it was out of love for him and concern for his welfare that I was stepping out of the picture before I do any more damage, Apparently, it is very difficult to have a relationship with a bipolar person. I say it is very hard for a bipolar person to have a relationship with a chronically depressed person.

 

I basically have no friends anymore because he isolated me from them through very subtle emotional and verbal abuse. But, I am just as much to blame on that front. Sometimes, I think we fought about nothing just so we could hurt each other. It was really good for about the first year and a half, and then very slowly, it started to go downhill. Then it picked up momentum, and became it’s own living entity. But, how do you fight something you cannot see? How do you fix something when the other person is blaming you for nearly everything that has gone wrong, but they cannot see their own contribution to the demise of something that was once beautiful? 

 

I am feeling very uncomfortable today. I cannot seem to say anything right to anyone I have encountered today. I have been flat out yelled at by another mentally “interesting” friend who is really struggling right now. Nothing I said was right, she shot down everything I suggested as “impossible,” she put down any idea I had that might have helped. I even offered to help her clean and organize her apartment, But, that was met with more yelling. I tried to tell her that people are willing to help her, but that she pushes them away by repeatedly turning down their offers to help her. Eventually, people will get tired of getting shot down every time they try to help her, and they will stop offering. Why beat a dead horse?

 

I feel very alone in this. I know that I will be okay in the long run, but the short run is a bitch. I feel like the wicked witch of the west. I feel like he was right all along; that the destruction of this relationship was mostly me. I changed him, I damaged him, I hurt him, I didn’t show enough affection, I didn’t do this and I didn’t do that. He never stops to think that he did two very important things: he spent hours on the Internet watching and collecting amateur porn which I felt very disrespected by, and he didn’t open a single book written by the people who are the experts on mood disorders to find out how to support me, or even to just understand me. To me, that shows a lack of real caring. It tells me that his love was conditional on my not getting upset about his porn addiction, and just let him carry on his merry little way thinking that he understands the multitude of bipolar manifestations.

 

I cannot talk to anyone about this. Everyone I know is happily married. When you are getting divorced, the last thing you want to do is talk to someone with a functional marriage. It just makes everything that iota worse than it already is. I find myself questioning whether I have made the right decision, or if I really am as dumb as I feel. 

 

I Am Not Sure How I am Feeling Today…….Somewhere Between Completely Pissed off and Sad (Warning: contains profanity)

i have had it. I have reached the end of my rope. I cannot stand people today. I tried to

Ever have a day/week/life like this?

do something that I thought would be appreciated by an certain individual yesterday. Turns out the road to hell really is paved with good intentions, but I had no idea it came with undeserved criticism, and a 15 minute long chastising discussion (one sided) about how what I had done was completely wrong. WTF!!?!?!??!

Then, to add insult to injury, said person said they recognize that our thought processes were different: first and foremost because of my “illness,” it is always my fucking illness first, then other reasons such as different backgrounds, different life experiences, etc. But, always the “illness” first and always foremost. Yeah, I have had a much harder life than said individual. But, I, in many ways “chose” that lifestyle based on things that happened to me when I was much younger. Much, much younger. Like barely 16.

I did not ask for the event that occurred and I was in no way old enough to process it. So, I buried it with drugs and alcohol. I did not know what else to do. (There goes the fucking phone again. I am going to rip them out of the wall). When I brought up that snorting speed and cocaine for about 6 years isn’t real healthy for the lungs either (not to mention you tend to chain smoke while high on stimulants), said individual says to me: “You know you always try to compare your experiences like they are similar to others’.” Snorting coke and speed is not good for any part of the body involved. You snort the stuff up your nose…..not good for septum and sinuses. Since you are snorting it, it goes straight into your lungs. That’s fucking healthy, and then you chain smoke. How is that different than smoking for 40 years? Fuck this person. Who the hell do they think they are? Who the fuck died and made them capable of walking on water while the rest of us drown?

So, said conversation (again one sided) basically went something like this. No thank you for trying to do something nice, just you know I cannot smoke commercial brand cigarettes because of the additives. I have to smoke pure tobacco. Said individual has been smoking since I was born, maybe they should quit if brand name cigarettes are going to have such a negative effect. Smoking any cigarette is going to be bad for your throat, lungs, mouth, etc. Then said individual pointed out that when they bought cigarettes for us (yes, I took up smoking after then “incident when I was 16”), that they always got the ones with no additives even if it meant driving further. Well, as people who read my blog know, I totaled my car for the New Year (January 5th). So,I have to drive another car that I am not entirely comfortable with (it is huge compared to my old car.) So, I went as far as I could before the anxiety set in.

I am so fucking sorry I tried to do something that I thought would be appreciated. Won’t happen again. Trust me. I may make mistakes all the time (due to my “illness”), but I do learn from some of them. This one I learned from. Good intentions are not appreciated. I feel taken for granted, I feel like I do not ever want to try to do anything nice for this person ever again.

Oh, and then there is what I found in my email yesterday from my Internet company. Apparently, I downloaded a “film” back in December from some company DBA as “Devil‘s Films”. First of all, I would not be looking at “films” produced by such a company: I find that I lose interest in about a nanosecond, and they are not my preferred viewing material. Apparently, this was a niche film involving two “grannies” getting down with each other. WTF would I be doing watching that kind of crap? I am 41 years old. Not 65. Were I not to be completely bored by the genre in general, I would prefer younger people, with a plot that actually tells a story….. not just two or more people doing their thing with each other. Now that I have finished raving and ranting about that, here comes the real problem. The account is in my name, with my email, my address. I “own” the account. It doesn’t matter what someone else does with it, I am the responsible party. I am the one who could get fined, I am the one who could be criminally prosecuted. Not the dipshit that downloaded the “film” in the first place. And, then said jackass says, “I don’t even have the video anymore. It was boring so I deleted it”.

Does not matter if the “film is still on the computer or not. The point is that it was downloaded in the first place. And the Internet company knows it. It came from my router’s IP address, it has my router’s MAC address, it has everything associated with the router’s configuration. My router and my IP and MAC addresses. That’s how it was traced in the first place. I am not a techno-idiot. I know how to trace people from their IP addresses and the MAC address of the computer. I can pin it down to a physical address, in whatever town, city, state. I can pull up satellite maps of the area. This is how the company discovered the copyright infringement.

For crying out loud, if you are going to risk the fine and/or jail time, why download two grannies getting it on. If that’s what you are into, you are married to a person in the wrong age group. Even at 41, I am considered in this realm as “mature,” meaning I am not 20 something. Find a new fucking hobby (pardon the bad pun). Like, oh I do not know, paying attention to your wife who is very close to leaving you, or at least, getting what she doesn’t get at home somewhere else.

I have never cheated on a lover before, but I am getting damn close. I get no attention, no affection, it is a given that I will clean the kitchen and cook dinner. No thank you’s. Those are implied. It may be implied, but it is nice to hear once in a while. I am so close to ending this relationship so I don’t end up cheating because I have very strong feelings about that. My father cheated on my mom with a family “friend” for about 6 years until they both divorced and then married each other. So, I have a thing about cheating. It is wrong. Break up first if you think you are going to the dark side. That way  no one gets seriously hurt, and there is no having to forgive and forget. I am that close. But, considering what my mom went through, I just cannot do it. I will divorce first. It’s not like this is a marriage anyway. He sleeps on the couch and has for about 3 months. I sleep in the bed, and I won’t let him sleep there anymore. It has been about the same amount of time since we had sex (I know, overshare), but it is relevant to my wanting to cheat. I don’t understand.

My “illness” has not popped up recently which said person claims is why they are sleeping on the couch and we are not engaged in “normal” marital relations. I am 41 freaking years old. I still have a very healthy sex drive, and I do not even get kisses or hugs. I am talking zero physical affection. And, he wonders why I don’t put on my lingerie anymore. It such an obvious answer. The last few times I have tried that, I got  shot down in flames, and felt like such an idiot. Since I do not feeling like an idiot for trying to initiate sexual relations with my husband, I stopped. No reaction, no sexy lingerie. That’s the way it works. What is the point if you get no reaction? You just sit there all dolled up while he watches PBS Newshour or some shit like that. It is humiliating. I am just going to let him have his “fantasy” amateur porn stars. They seem to do more for him than I can.

Besides, It is not like I am ugly. Quite the opposite. I am not beautiful, but I am very pretty. Coke bottle figure, a little more voluptuous than I would like to be, but not bad. I am well proportioned, I have eyes that change from grey to green, I have a large chest (which he claims he has always liked in women; not me apparently). Basically, I have no problem finding men. Most women don’t because men are, in general (not always), interested in one thing from women, and it isn’t philosophical conversation. Robin Williams once said that men only have enough blood to run one head at a time. True.

So, I am completely pissed off while at the same time really sad. Mixed-episode? I do not think so. I think everything in my little world has collapsed, and I am not handling it as well as I could be. I am getting angry, I am getting depressed, I am feeling unloved, unwanted, undesirable, not sexy (even though I know some guys who would disagree, just not the main one), I do not even know why I spend so much time doing my make-up (unless it is to out-do other women; this is likely. Women are catty like that).