This Is How You Freak Out Someone With Mental Issues

 ..…….Send a Bipolar Type I with psychotic features, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Anxiety with and without Agoraphobia a cessation of disability benefits because some bureaucratic idiot determined you had improved medically and were physically able to work. For crying out loud, people at the SSA, I did not file for disability for medical/physical reasons. I applied under the mental health guidelines because my brain does not work the way it should when it comes to anxiety and mood regulation. I also have ADD which makes it really difficult to focus for more than about 45 minutes. 

That is how to freak out someone who already will automatically think: the world is over as far as I know it, and do I have enough medication to end the whole debacle right now. Not that I would do this. I made a vow to myself and all the powers that run the universe that if I got through the last attempt (which damn near killed me) without brain damage or any physical problems that I would never try that again. It came too close to being final, and that scared the living hell out of me. I do not want to die; I want the mood swinging to stop. Not too much to ask or maybe too much to ask.

And the spiral is getting worse the longer I wait. This whole process started in July 2014. It is now nearly April 2015. What’s that? Something like 8 months this has been going on. It is time for them to either approve or deny my appeal. I will appeal to a higher ajudicator on my 2nd appeal, but I am tired. That mental and physical tiredness that can only come from worrying and being on pins and needles for 8 months while the SSA folks cool their heels. It is a tiredness of the mind.

I have just about had it; I am too stressed, I am having major problems with anxiety (upped my dosage back to its original amount), depression (antidepressants do not seem to work on me), and mania to some degree. All this because of a letter; I think the average person might not fight so hard, because physical improvement is visible. Mental health is invisible, intangible so you have to argue twice as hard to prove that you are a walking mental case. None of this is right. Sorry if I seem hostile, but I am pissed off to no end right now.

Okay, I Am Starting To Get Nervous

 

My insurance company has been notified that I no longer have Medicare part B, and they sent out a letter about two weeks ago that I would no longer be eligible for the Medicare Advantage plan that I have been on for about six years now. My insurance (read: prescriptions) will end at midnight on March 31st. I have about 1.5 months worth of Abilify and about 3 weeks worth of Seroquel left. I am not going to be able to fill the Seroquel in April, and the Abilify is going to run out in mid-May, give or take. The two prescriptions combined cost about $1900.00 per month. That’s more than I get per month on disability which, if you have read the previous few posts, has been denied due to a resounding medical improvement. With all due respect to the Social Security Administration, when someone who has been on and relied upon disability to pay rent, pay for groceries, utilities and what not for about 9 years, this type of situation is going to cause a medical slide back down the hill. I do not think they recognize the severity of the situation. Since I received that letter notifying me that my benefits were to be discontinued, I have grown depressed, extremely anxious, panicky, sleepless (which really helps people with Bipolar….not), and a whole host of other symptoms that had become manageable. Now, I am back to crying at the drop of a hat, my Klonopin usage is back up to the prescribed dosage (I had managed to drop it to half), and I do not know what I am going to do when the Abilify runs out. I am going to be an untreated mentally ill person again, and that scares the living hell out of me.

I remember what it was like to be untreated. My moods were all over the place, I have been told that I could be quite the bitch, I abused drugs and alcohol in a vain attempt to regulate my moods on my own, and it just wasn’t a pretty sight. I am afraid that I am going to get suicidal again, not just of the ideation variety, but of the type that attempts it. I already have 7+ attempts under my belt, and the last one was nearly successful. I have been assured that my benefits will continue throughout the appeal process, and that data has been entered to resume my benefits. However, I have also been told that sometimes that data just kicks out of the system, and I won’t know that until April 3rd when the next check is to be deposited. This is going to be two weeks of extreme anxiety: will I get my check, will Medicare be reinstated as the liaison between the SSA office here and the Benefits Determination Services has assured me? I do not want to see what is going to happen.

Everyone keeps telling me that the Affordable Care Act is supposed to be in place to take care of these problems, but I have looked at the supposedly “affordable” insurance programs available, and unless you want a huge out of pocket expense, you won’t get a premium below about $250.00 per month. If you don’t mind having an out of pocket expense of around $6000.00, your monthly premium is going to be in the $350.00 per month range. Add $350.00 to the roughly $2100.00 worth of prescriptions I take monthly, and it is just not feasible.

Even the thought of trying to secure a job that has benefits gives me a panic attack. What if I have a depressive episode, and I cannot function at home or in the workplace? I’ll just lose another job, I guess. I have never been able to keep a job longer than two years because something always goes wrong; I make a stupid mistake, or the job is beneath my qualification level and I get bored and then I get depressed. Then I get fired for not being able to complete tasks on time, or finish them at all. I have a hard time following instructions (ADD) spoken or written. I have a huge problem with micro-management; just piss off and let me work, it will get done if you aren’t in my face every half-hour. 

I am getting nervous to the point of actually being afraid for myself. How am I supposed to live? These are not entitlements. Disability benefits are paid out of taxes that I paid into while I was working for about 17 years. I earned these benefits. I also was doing some more reading on what types of conditions are eligible for benefits: if I was a drug addict or alcoholic, I would qualify for disability benefits. I am sorry, but drug addiction and alcoholism may not be conscious choices, but they are choices none the less. Having a few mental health issues is not really a choice. It just sort of happens to people especially those with mental health problems in their families.

My parents (my mom, really, because my Father is too narcissistic to think about much other than how he plans to retire with a few million under his belt) can only help so much and for so long, and I really don’t want their help. As it stands, my mom helps me more than I would like, but it is a necessary evil. I appreciate everything they have done, and I am extremely grateful to have parents that are living at my age, as well as, having the means to help to a point. It is a very fine line. My life was built on a house of cards, and the SSA pulled one of the foundation cards out so the whole thing fell. I am seriously beginning to freak out.

Gotta Love The Government…Not

SSA Disability Benefits

 So today I check the mail like I do most days, and today there was a huge envelope in the box. Upon closer inspection, I see it is from the Social Security Administration Disability Determination Services. My nightmare has come true. They are requesting additional information on my abilities and how having Bipolar disorder, PTSD, etc. has changed my life and the way I do things. Then they give me about two lines per question (all 7 pages of them) to explain the unexplainable. Yes, Rapid Cycling Bipolar Type I with Psychotic features does affect your life. Intensely. I have broken it down to wage by hour. If you work a 40 hour work week, at my current amount of monthly disability payment, I earn $6.38 per hour. That is not even minimum wage, and yet, I am so afraid to lose it because all my healthcare is based on the Disability payment. I lose Disability, I lose Medicare, I lose Medicare, I lose my insurance and henceforth, my doctors and my ability to pay for medication. No medication means I go back to trying to manage this myself using willpower alone. I am quite truthfully very scared right now. I cannot go back to the way I was. I was suicidal, nearly an alcoholic, and completely untreated with any medication except Jack Daniels. Screw beer….it doesn’t get you drunk enough. That will pretty much guarantee I will not be able to work.

This is yet another symptom of anxiety setting in (Bipolar too), fatalistic thinking. I am absolutely convinced that they are going to decide I have improved enough to work when, in fact, I have not improved in years. I have been at the same level of functioning for years. I just haven’t been to the hospital in 2 years. This whole thing has me thinking that I need more Klonopin. I wish they would just get it over with so I know what I am going to have to do. Not knowing is making me crazy(ier).