How swiftly the days pass! It makes us realize how few are the years we have left. Friends enjoy the cherry blossoms together on spring mornings, and then they are gone, carried away like the blossoms by the winds of impermanence, leaving nothing but their names. Although the blossoms have scattered, the cherry trees will bloom again with the coming of spring, but when will those people be reborn? The companions with whom we enjoyed composing poems praising the moon on autumn evenings have vanished with the moon behind the shifting clouds. Only their mute images remain in our hearts.Though the moon has set behind the western mountains, we will compose poetry under it again next autumn. But where are our companions who have passed away?
~ Nichiren Daishonin circa 1280 C.E. written to Niike Saemon-no-jo, an official in the Kamakura Shogunate
On this Memorial Day, please do not lament the loss of loved ones, but rather, celebrate their lives and be reminded of how much they meant to your heart.
This is something the doctors do not tell you when you are diagnosed. Being, or rather, having Bipolar Disorder is a lonely thing to have. I do not know if I have chosen solitude because I have no problems with telling people I have Bipolar, or if people just sense something is off about me, and choose not to get to know me. I do not date anymore due to the lingering negativity from my marriage to the psycho porn freak. I have no idea what could be worse than that, but I am almost 100% positive that it is out there somewhere and with me being me, I will stumble headfirst into it. I realize that you have to talk to people to get to know them. It is kind of an obvious given. It is the same with going places where people congregate, and no, concerts with your mom and her husband and your niece do not count.
I let all my walls down with my ex-husband, and I had them in place for good reasons. However, he made it through my massive defense mechanisms, and then stomped on what remained of the walls I had spent years erecting. When someone lets you in, that is something to be respected because chances are you may be one of the few who ever gets to see inside the madness, the weirdness, and the normalcy that is you as a person. They get to see the “real” you because you felt comfortable enough to let them see. It is a horrible thing to have that kind of trust betrayed. The new walls are simply taller, thicker and more heavily fortified than the old ones. At least that is the experience that I am having. I trust very few people because my life experiences have taught me that, given the chance, most people will turn on you. They can’t hang on for the ride never realizing one very important thing: they can get off the ride of they choose. I cannot. This is my life, and while I do not relish the idea of spending it alone, if that is what happens, then it is what it is.
I would go out, but all my former friends are married with children of their own (I would have a 27 year old and and a 17 year old right now had things been different.) And, going out by myself just does not appeal to me, and you really can’t meet someone unless you leave the limited and comfortable sphere you have created for yourself. Add a little dose of paranoia to that, and everyone now suddenly has ulterior motives, or they want to hurt you, or you are one of the unlucky few who actually run into a serial killer. That would be me. I could be dating someone like BTK, and never know it. I just attract weird and odd people, and not the good kind of weird…..the scary kind of weird. The kind of weird that can freak someone like me out, and I have been in some really strange places in my life. I have been in some really dangerous places in my life, and these folks are scarier than that.
I guess I just really miss the companionship, the having someone to talk to, eat with, get along with and fight with. I miss the stability that comes out of a good relationship (notice the qualifier “good”). My ex-husband and I did not have a “good” relationship…..at all. And, the thing that gets me, and gnaws and chews at me is that I gave up one of the purest loves I had ever had in order to marry the jackass that my ex turned out to be. And, it is highly likely that I will never see this man again. He did not try to change me. He knew who and what I was from the beginning, and it didn’t bother him in the least. There has only been one other person like that in my life. We have known each other for some 27 years. He gets me. Yes, I know I am throwing myself a pity party. But, I am in a funk. A deep blue indigo funk. And no one wants to hear it. People ask “How are you doing?” They don’t expect an honest answer. They expect, and, in fact, assume that you will lie and they can go on their merry little way. No wonder there are so many shrinks in this country.
We have all seen the lists of things a person, albeit well-meaning, should never say to a depressed person. We also know that periodically experiencing crippling depression can be a symptom of a relapse into illness.Hopefully, if you have either had Bipolar disorder for a while, or are just very attuned to your mental emotional shifts, you can stop it before it happens. Here is a list of things you CAN say to a depressed person,
Can I relieve your stress in any way? Words have very little effect, if any, on a depressed person. In fact, they can twist them around in their minds to make themselves feel even worse. What you can do? Come over and offer to clean up their house or fix them a meal or go out and run some errands for them. These are ways of showing you care about them, and respect that they are experiencing depression. Showing through action that you care is worth all the wasted words in the world.
What do you think might help you to feel better? Here again words are important. Especially how you phrase them. According to Psychcentral.com‘s associate editor, Therese Borchand, it is much like dealing with a defiant child. Depressed people are well known for being difficult, as are children when you take their candy away, for example, telling them they will turn into a ghoul if they eat more. What seems to be more effective is to ask the child about something he or she did while under the influence of a sugar rush. Ask them if they want that to happen again. The answer is usually ‘no’ and they will reach for something else entirely. The same goes for a depressed person. Acknowledge their depression, and rephrase questions in such a way that they come up with their own way of feeling better.
Is there something I can do for you? Again we have action over words; showing the depressed person that you care about them. This is an excellent time to show compassion. The depressed individual is likely to say no, there is nothing you can do for them, but what does register through the fog and the tears is the thought “This person really cares about me”.
Can I drive you somewhere? Here again is action over what may come across to a depressed person as shallow words of pseudo-sympathy (been there, done that). Here is something concrete that you can do for a depressed person. Apparently, people who are depressed are really bad drivers. So, offering to drive them somewhere they need or maybe do not need to go is good for them (they get out of the house for a while and maybe get some grocery shopping done or maybe a pedicure, as my mom once did for me), it is safer for them and all the other really scary drivers out there.
Where are you getting your support? This is completely different than asking if they are receiving therapy or attending group meetings either in person or through an online support group. If you ask if they are receiving therapy or some type of support, and they are not, this has the implication that they are too lazy to get help (they are depressed, not lazy. It is hard to do anything in this state let alone secure support). This question is much more proactive. It says, if you are getting help, great! But, if you aren’t, let’s figure out a way that you can get support through a one on one therapist or through a group because the depressed person does need the help/support to help them through this part of their life so they do not feel isolated and one of a kind.
You won’t always feel this way. I am a bit ambivalent about this one. Why should I believe someone who is not nor has experienced depression that this will go away? However, it is a simple statement of fact. It doesn’t try to manipulate, it doesn’t try to persuade, and it doesn’t judge the person who is depressed. It simply states that this is not going to last forever, and that can provide that little ray of hope that a depressed person needs to continue on to the next day. Now, whether that day bring a pin-prick of light at the top of your rabbit hole or a semi-trailer bearing down on you remains to be seen.
Can you think of anything contributing to your depression? This is basically a very kind and round about way of getting someone who is depressed to look at what might be causing it. It is a gentle way of saying, “Maybe it is the abusive relationship you are in,” without coming out and saying it. It could be a myriad of different things that is causing the depressed mood. This is a way of getting the person with the low mood to come to their own conclusions about the cause, and consequently, what to do to get rid of the source (we are talking about situational depression, not the kind caused by brain chemical imbalances). This allows the person suffering to come to their own conclusions about what is appropriate for them to do, take accountability for their own action, and not end up blaming someone fro advising them on a course of action that may be entirely wrong.
What time of day is hardest for you? This is a question that my psychiatrist and psychologist have both asked me when I have been depressed which is most of the time due to the mixed episode problem. According to Therese J. Borchard, associate editor at http://psychcentral.com/, the most acute times for depression are upon waking (realizing that it is another day, and you will most likely not be happy-go-lucky just because you slept for 8 hours), and at about 3-4 in the afternoon when blood sugar dips and anxiety can set in. This is something anyone close to the depressed person can ask; a parent, a good friend, an extended family member. They can also do something about it when they get the answer; they can call the person experiencing depression when they are at their lowest during the day. For me, personally, I become most depressed at night when everything gets quiet, and everyone has retired to their respective apartments. Since no one thinks to call at night, I often end up reading in bed and then going to sleep so I do not have to deal with the emotions. I know what causes them, and that is not going to change any time soon. During the day, I am fine because I can always find something to do (but neighbors don’t like you vacuuming at midnight 🙂 )
I’m here for you. This is a simple statement that carries no hidden meaning whatsoever. It is simple, and lets the depressed know that you are there, you aren’t going anywhere just because they are depressed, it tells them that you get it, that you understand they are going through a rough time, it says you care. It doesn’t imply that you understand; what it does say though is you care, and that you are there to support them.
Nothing. My personal favorite. Sometimes, someone to listen is exactly what the depressed need. They do not need advice, they do not need to hear “this is what you SHOULD do”, what they need is attention and someone to hear them and their pain. From the book Kitchen Table Wisdom : “When people are talking, there’s no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they’re saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it.” ~ Rachel Naomi Remen.
I wrote this list because I see so many lists about what NOT to say to people who are depressed, mentally ill, etc. that I thought it might be nice to have a list of things that may be helpful to do for or say to someone who’s having a rough time of things.
BiPolar – What’s Up? – Dunno, I’m kinda Down (Photo credit: Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton)
I am sure that most people in the Bipolar world have heard of Julie Fast. She has been living with Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar II with psychotic features for about 15 + years. It’s not that far away from my own diagnosis of Bipolar I with psychotic features except i am usually in a mixed state which is just the worst. You are the most motivated depressed person and the least motivated manic person. They sort of bleed into one another.
Anyway, the book is Bipolar Happens! and it has a very unique outlook on managing Bipolar symptoms such as anxiety (I knew there was a connection), depression, mania, paranoia, and other subtle symptoms of Bipolar.
She starts the book with that familiar saying and complaint: “I just want to be normal.” She states that people are often taken aback by that statement. People often ask “What is normal?” or “is anyone really normal?” which personally I would find somewhat offensive because there is such a thing as “not normal.” She states it is not normal to not be able to hold a job for more than two years (hmmm, been there), or taking 8 years to finish college (hmmm, been there too). She says it is not normal to hear voices that tell you that you are worthless and you should just die.
She states in return to these statements that everyone is abnormal to some degree, but there are normal people out there. She knows that because she knows what it means to be NOT normal as I suspect many people with mental interestingness would attest to. She points out that “normal” people think about one or two thoughts at a time, not twenty (flight of ideas) whirling around inside your brain. Ms. Fast writes that it is not normal to break down every behaviour looking for the negative meaning. It isn’t about hearing voices that tell you that you’ll never amount to anything so why bother trying (I have experienced those voices for many, many years, and I would dare say that most people with Bipolar have also to some degree).
One thing that really resonated with me is her writing that normal people live day-to-day while Bipolar people have a tendency to live in the past and feel that there is no hope for the future. I am guilty of that. Especially of reliving my childhood where I was a weird kid, but not a Bipolar person, yet.
She writes a great deal on depression and how to combat it in the book (maybe because women are more likely than men to have depressive episodes). One thing that she talks about that I had already discovered on my own is how truly beautiful this world is. Instead of walking with your head down looking at all the garbage this world produces, look at the sky, the bees collecting nectar, the unsual arrangement of pots that make up a planter; of course it helps if you don’t have a car, but I have seen more beautiful things that I would have missed had I been driving. I have met some very interesting people as well.
She asks the question: are you looking up and seeing the beauty of the world and feeling better, or are you looking down and letting depression get you? I know it is hard when you are in the throes of depression to see any beauty in anything, however I have found that getting outside and walking can be very spirit lifting. Basically, she says you have to tell the depression NO! and fight it like an enemy. She suggests writing down the symptoms of your depression so you will know it is the illness talking and not something else. Basically, you have to learn your behaviours so well that you can feel them coming, and you can take action to stop them.
Another topic she writes on, which I think is terribly important, is for your friends and family to be educated about the illness so they can see when you are ill, and take steps to help you rather than as one person I know put it when I asked them to take me to the hospital, “I am so sick and tired of all of your drama and chaos!” That wasn’t what I needed to hear from that person. If a Bipolar is asking to go to the hospital, just take them. They know what condition their condition is in, and they are asking for help not being screamed at. At the time of the above occurrence, I had all my meds lined up in a row an the counter in the bathroom, and I was wondering if I had enough to kill myself. So, yes, I think it is extremely important for those who care about you and whom you care about to be educated about this sometimes fatal illness.
She writes on how to recognize the early stages of a manic episode and how to stop them. Of course, this is very personal in how the mania manifests itself. The are a myriad of ways that mania can insidiously crawl into your life. And, it can be a very destructive force in relationships, financial matters, work place etiquette, etc. It is important to know what triggers your manic episodes.
Basically, this is a fast read, and many of the techniques she describes are ones I have tried and been successful with. If you had asked me 5 + years ago how I was doing, I would have had to lie, and say fine. And, since I am really good at hiding my illness from others, people believe me, and are then rather shocked when I become so depressed I can’t get dressed or bathe. However, I find that sticking to a regular sleep cycle, always taking my meds, trying to eat right and exercise, and doing things I enjoy seem to help. All are mentioned in her book. I guess when you have been an untreated bipolar for 15 years and treated for 11 years, you sort of work out your own “health” plan. I do, however, recommend this book. It is short, simple and to the point. And, it makes a lot of sense. She does not claim to be “cured” just very well managed.
Me, personally, I would lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of chardonnay, and some lavender scented bubble bath.
Okay, all the funny stuff is over, and you are struck by your realization that someone you have loved does not and has not nor will they ever see you as a walking, breathing, and sensitive person that happens to also HAVE Bipolar disorder. They see you for your disease and they choose to define you as a walking pathology. How do you fight the preconceived idea that you are bipolar and that is all you are to them? You have become a non-entity, and realize you have been invisible for a long time. Is that why you fight about really stupid stuff? Negative attention is better than no attention; I think it was Skinner who came up with that idea (?) It really doesn’t matter who said it. It is part of the “woe is me” model of ongoing, chronic mental illness. I do not agree with this “woe is me” approach on many levels.
First, the afflicted individual is saying to him/herself, I am just an illness, I am not a person. And, therefore people can do anything they want to me because I am like a disease popsicle.
Second, as demonstrated by a person I thought was intelligent, everything that goes wrong can be tied directly to the fact that you ARE bipolar. Yet, anther example of the stupidity that goes into creating the stereotypes and stigma of having a mental issue. It’s people like this that continue to spread the epidemic that is the stigmatization of mental illness; why would anyone willingly tell someone their story if they knew it would be used to stab you in the back with it? Repeatedly. I over heard said person talking to an old neighbor and actually told her we were getting divorced because of MY BIPOLAR. Ummm. Hello, I am the one who filed for divorce! Doesn’t that mean to you, “Oh shit, I’d better figure out what is going wrong?”
We are not getting divorced because I have bipolar, it is because you are addicted to Internet Porn (which I have repeatedly told you I disliked), it is because you have become emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. You set me up every time. You make sure that I have no money, that I have limited access to your car (I let you use mine without question). All of the classic signs of abuse. You have no idea how much you have hurt me in the name of helping me out the life I had which was a perfectly good one, I had friends, I went out. You complain we never went anywhere. Well, maybe if you weren’t so fucking vain that you have to look like an Armani suit every time you go anywhere. You are losing sight of the reason’s I decided to divorce you. I have not sight of mine, or maybe you never knew the reasons why the marriage fell apart. HINT: it happened the night you threatened me with bodily harm. I don’t take that from anyone.
You have consistently treated me like a walking destructive force of nature, and yes, I can be. However, I haven’t been that way in many moons which if you were not busy with your porn. you would have noticed. You treat me like I am negative, defeatist, blah blah blah. You made me into that. Stupid @^#@! *&%^ you! I am out of here in less than a week. Do not fear I will take the Internet away with me, I will take my friends away with. You are pathetic.
How do you recover purpose as well as self-worth when someone had hurt you so badly, that you do not know who to trust, who’s mask is better than the next one. what is their real personality, basically paranoia? Is it allowable paranoia, is it valid paranoia, or is that one voice in you that says trust no one? Or are you filtering through your rather warped and damaged lens? Is it really your fault? Probably, since every thing is his mind eventually comes around to illness. He can’t even tell when I am manic or when I depressed. That’s the extent of observation It’s like a cave man grunting upon the finding of meat. That’s about the level of functioning he has. He is a cave man grunting upon finding meat, but never looks past that to see if there is more.
So, I have set out to figure out what it means to me to be a high-functioning bipolar who does not have a job, is going through a divorce, is not in school or some other worthy activity, and basically reads all day once the blogging is finished and comments answered and blog posts read. So, how does one feel high-functioning when one is lacking all the trappings of someone who is? That seems to be the rub. Hmmm….this is going to take thought, and I think that I am done thinking for the day.
I have thought about this a bit more. A high-functioning bipolar doesn’t go off the deep end because her relationship ended very badly. I doubt that I will maintain a friendship with this particular ex-whatever the hell he thought he was-and whatever the hell I was led to believe he was. He falls into the category of “if I never see you again, it will be too soon.” Currently, only one person has held that honor for about 20 years. And, no you don’t get a cookie or a medal for belonging to this élite group. I think we were a married couple for all of one year before the happy little “diversion” became key to his existence and rendered me null and void. Anyone who can spend 8 hours looking at Internet porn is someone who has a huge problem especially if his wife is a perfectly attractive woman. That just pissed me off. So, I would guess a high-functioning bipolar has some respect for themselves.
I am also very involved with my Buddhist community. I am the women’s leader of a small district which is basically a group of other Buddhists that belong to the same sect, and they all have many years of knowledge that I do not have. Normally, this would absolutely whig someone who wasn’t functioning well out. When not functioning (ie: depressive episode/manic episode/mixed episode), there’s no way that a bipolar with anxiety issues could do this. You cannot deal with people very effectively when in one of those states.
I know that I can now “hide” my bipolar from an employer. I am good at that which is a good thing when it comes to the workplace. I have always been highly competitive with myself, and anything other than superior work product is unacceptable. I was the same way all the way through college. Someone could set a bar for me, and I would (and still do) set it higher. Now, granted, that may not be healthy, and can lead to heart attack, stroke or even death doesn’t bother me. I have always been a type A personality. I get anxious when everything is not going just the way I want it to. Or, the way it is supposed to. Even at the beginning of the manifestation of this illness, I was still producing at a very high level under some extreme stress (which is what I think may have finally brought on the manifestation of symptoms). It is vital to my existence that everything I produce be it a research paper for school or an analysis of misuse of the time-clock to produce unworked overtime, I want it as perfect as possible. Low-functioning people have a tendency towards mediocrity. They do just enough to get by.
Hmm……I am again at a loss. I do not participate in any of the activities that our society values with the exception of my involvement with my religious activities. I guess someone who is a high-functioning bipolar can face difficulties with-out succumbing to the “I am going to kill myself” feelings that seem to always lurk just below the surface. It would be easier on you, but I have seen firsthand the devastation that a suicide causes, so that’s not an option. I guess my vision of a high-functioning bipolar is someone who can deal with difficult situations either personal or work related, is someone who can maintain relationships with people in a give and take type of way rather than always taking or always giving (and not being recognized for it, man that just chaps my hide). Show some appreciation for what you have and what you get. That to me is very important. I will and have been known to stop giving anything of myself if I do not feel appreciated. If you are hungry, there’s the pantry.
I guess a bipolar that is high-functioning be it a person who works or stays home and keeps the house is someone with a strong sense of who they are, what they want out of life, won’t settle (especially if they have before and been taken advantage of~maybe that‘s my own personal problem), is comfortable alone or with people, has friends, can give and take equally, and isn’t stuck in the “woe is me” cycle. They live with it, they don’t “own” it in the more common sense of that expression because to do so would be to identify with the disease, but rather is some one who recognizes it as a part but not the whole of who they are. I am sure there are things I left out, and shall probably remember at a later time. I think I have come to the conclusion that a high-functioning (insert illness here) is someone who knows themselves, and can take care of that self while nurturing the part that needs help.
I have been inspired today by several other blog posts I have read to think about the nature of spirituality and it’s healing and restorative properties. While I think it is important for anyone to have some sort of spiritual faith be it Christian, Catholic, Buddhist or Wiccan, I have no prejudices concerning people’s choice of spirituality; whatever works is what you should do.
I happen to follow a sect of Buddhism (there are literally thousands of sects) known as Nichiren Buddhism which emphasizes that you and you alone are the source of the struggle or hurdle that you are facing, and only you can come up with a solution through chanting “Nam Myoho Renge Kyo” which loosely translated means Devotion to the Mystic Law of the Universe and the simultaneity of cause and effect (“Renge” means lotus blossom which seeds and blooms at the same time) through the vibration of sound. It tends to become very meditative if you chant for a while which is not dissimilar to Zen Buddhism that teaches that one must clear one’s mind and life of earthly desires to achieve enlightenment although Nichiren Buddhism does not state that you must give up earthly desires in order to reach enlightenment.
The whole goal of Nichiren Buddhism is to reach a state of “Buddhahood” in which one understands the nature of all things, and is indestructibly happy no matter what gets thrown your way. In fact, if you are practicing correctly and are following the correct path, then obstacles will get in your way to test your faith. Nichiren Buddhism views these trial and tribulations as a means of growing spiritually, and are to be greeted with joy as opposed to sadness or despair.
Nichiren Buddhism is an inherently humanistic “life philosophy.” It teaches that you practice for yourself and for others (others being the rest of the world), and that everyone regardless of their station in life is worthy, and deserve respect and compassion. When you put these ideas into practice, your environment changes around you. As you become closer to being “enlightened” and you develop a character that cannot be brought down, your reaction to the things that occur just because you are a human become less severe, and more understanding of other people’s inherent rights to be treated with dignity. You become less judgmental, and more accepting of people in general. It is hard to explain. But, it works for me, and about 200 million people practicing in 192 countries. Another idea that is very important and is essential is known as “Dependent Origination.” In other words, we are all interconnected in one way or another with other people and the Universe that nourishes us. It is really hard to explain why this philosophy works for me, but I know I have become happier, more resilient and the episodes of mania and depression have lessened.
It does not matter what faith you follow. It is the act of engaging in spiritual activities on a regular basis is what I believe is important. Being a member of a spiritual group be it Buddhist, Christian, Catholic, Judaic, or Taoist can provide you with a sense of feeling grounded, it also provides social contact, it can provide a social support network (if you feel that you can trust people to not judge you for your struggles); some of my best friends are members of the SGI (Soka Gakkai International ~ means “Value Creating”.)
People of faith tend to be supportive of one another, and if they practice true to the values of their chosen faith, they are respectful and compassionate towards all people. The only real difference between the “People of the Book” and Buddhism is that Buddhists are taught to follow the teachings not the teacher, and that Buddhahood is within you, you just have to find it, whereas the “People of the Book” have an external sense of the divine. Buddhism is all you, your causes and your effects, your obstacles and your method of overcoming them, and Christians have God and Jesus’ teachings to follow, but believe in an external higher being. In Buddhism, you are the “higher power,” you just have to find it. No matter what works for you, I have found that many people with mental issues who are also deeply spiritual seem to have better outcomes, and a more positive way of managing whatever their life or their mental issue throws their way.
Buddhism is part of my three pronged attack on my mental health problems: Buddhist practice, a psychiatrist who is extremely good with medication and is not heavy handed with it, and a therapist who has become a lifeline. These three things keep me relatively sane. They also keep others around me relatively sane as well.
So, I highly recommend that people who suffer with mental issues find a spiritual belief system that works for them. It will keep you grounded, enable you to weather the storms when they happen, provide social contact, and provide a network of people you trust to help support you when things aren’t quite kosher. But, that is only my experience and perspective. It is not written in stone or any medical journal that I know of 🙂
I know it’s bad when I have forsaken my Alice in Chains, Pink Floyd, and Nine Inch Nails for Marilyn Manson. I think I am slowly going mad. The Christians have a saying that God does not give more than you can handle. That’s a nice sentiment but I am Buddhist, and everything that is good in my life and everything that is bad in my life is all my own doing (or undoing, as it appears to be). I am the source of the answer and the problem, and I have no answers, just problems. I can no longer see any light at the end of the tunnel. It has gone out, or the lantern bearer is on break. I feel like I am in the boat crossing the river Styx with Charon at the helm, and he is taking us further and further down the river towards Hades and away from the light.
My soon to be ex-husband is closed up in his little room with the door shut watching his porn, and diving deeper into his fantasy life. I wish I had a fantasy life. I have always been too practical and logical to have much of an active fantasy life. To me, if it wasn’t something tangible I could touch, it didn’t exist (I know that sounds a little like Kant‘s philosophy that as soon as an object is out of sight, does it cease to exist?), if it could not be proven scientifically, I had no use for it. I do not believe is God, so that is out of the question. It would be so nice to just be able to “turn my problems over to God” and let him/her deal with the hows and the whys. But I can’t see or touch God, therefore he/she doesn’t exist in my realm. I wish I could “Let go and let God,” or whatever that bumper sticker says. But, how can one turn one’s problems over to an entity they cannot prove the existence of? That’s too much of a leap of faith for me. It requires trust in something I cannot touch, see or conceive of.
So, I am becoming increasingly stuck in my own mind which is not a good place to be right now. I cannot seem to achieve the mind-heart disconnect that I have been able to successfully complete in the past. Even though he has taken away my sense of myself as attractive and sexy which are very feminine yearnings. I had that sense once, but that part of me is under deep cover right now. I know I should be mad about that, but somehow, I have decided that everything that went wrong with this relationship is my fault. I wasn’t tolerant of his porn addiction (and it is an addiction, at this point), I did not act or do things the way he expected a wife to do. I am NOT going to clean the house in lingerie and high heels as he seems to have come to believe that “real and sexy” women do. Porn has warped his sense of gender roles and sexuality in general. And, yet he claims to know the difference between the reality of marriage and the “fantasy women.” No, he doesn’t. With addiction came the blurring of the line, just like it does with any addiction. However, I felt very disrespected, and said so on more than one occasion. He didn’t listen. Junkies do not listen to people telling them they are sick. They believe their behaviour is within the realm of the normal. I have been an addict. There is nothing normal about it.
I cannot decide how I feel. I am decidedly not manic, nor am I particularly depressed. I am extraordinarily stressed out, and I am sad. I can tell because I am dropping weight like I was actually dieting. But, the truth is I cannot eat. I cannot sleep for more than 4 or 5 hours a night. This is going to drive me mad. Not nuts, I am already there, but completely mad. The kind you may or may not come back from in the same form you had before. There is no going back, anyway. Every experience shapes you for the better, the worse or both. This is a both situation. I have changed for the better in some ways, and for the worse in others. Like my trust factor is shot right now. I entrusted him with my heart and soul, and he broke my heart. There is nothing on this planet that I will likely experience at this point in time that will break my soul. I have already been through that, too, and lived. It took a while to pull the pieces back together, but I did it, and came out stronger. Continue reading →
I do not get some people. It isn’t for lack of trying. Every person I have spoken to today has either been very snide or has outright yelled at me. Which tends to make me really irritable. I am already having a “manic episode” which means that I am not sleeping, eating, or anything else I supposed to do to keep myself healthy. What I do not get is why other people cannot seem to see when I am “sick” (I hate that term), and that is when they choose to get strange on me.
I have no one to talk to about what is happening to me because nobody wants to hear it; they’ve got their own, much more important problems to deal with. I am being sued by my student loan provider, I am on the verge of being sued by my other student loan provider, if they win the payment amount per month that they want, I will be homeless because I simply can’t make nearly $300.00 in loan payments and pay rent. I figured it out. If I pay as the plans stand, I will have $662 (roughly) to pay rent, utilities, and try to feed myself. That’s impossible. I will be homeless. I will lose everything I have worked so hard to accomplish both socially and privately. Material possessions can be replaced eventually, but once you have been knocked down, it is really hard to stand back up.
I am going through a divorce and trying to live out the lease with my soon to be ex-husband. I can’t talk to him about how I feel about that. Most of the times, I feel okay about it. Neither of us were happy. But, then there are days like today where I really need someone to just listen to me. I feel very sad and lonely (as per the usual) today. I didn’t want to file for divorce, but it was the only thing that would resolve the entire situation between us. We fought all the time, made snide remarks about each other, he always defined me by my mental “interestingness”, but never by who I really am which is a normal person who feels life more intensely than most. I wrote him a note today trying to explain to him that I was not doing this out of malice, or that I can no longer tolerate him, but rather it was out of love for him and concern for his welfare that I was stepping out of the picture before I do any more damage, Apparently, it is very difficult to have a relationship with a bipolar person. I say it is very hard for a bipolar person to have a relationship with a chronically depressed person.
I basically have no friends anymore because he isolated me from them through very subtle emotional and verbal abuse. But, I am just as much to blame on that front. Sometimes, I think we fought about nothing just so we could hurt each other. It was really good for about the first year and a half, and then very slowly, it started to go downhill. Then it picked up momentum, and became it’s own living entity. But, how do you fight something you cannot see? How do you fix something when the other person is blaming you for nearly everything that has gone wrong, but they cannot see their own contribution to the demise of something that was once beautiful?
I am feeling very uncomfortable today. I cannot seem to say anything right to anyone I have encountered today. I have been flat out yelled at by another mentally “interesting” friend who is really struggling right now. Nothing I said was right, she shot down everything I suggested as “impossible,” she put down any idea I had that might have helped. I even offered to help her clean and organize her apartment, But, that was met with more yelling. I tried to tell her that people are willing to help her, but that she pushes them away by repeatedly turning down their offers to help her. Eventually, people will get tired of getting shot down every time they try to help her, and they will stop offering. Why beat a dead horse?
I feel very alone in this. I know that I will be okay in the long run, but the short run is a bitch. I feel like the wicked witch of the west. I feel like he was right all along; that the destruction of this relationship was mostly me. I changed him, I damaged him, I hurt him, I didn’t show enough affection, I didn’t do this and I didn’t do that. He never stops to think that he did two very important things: he spent hours on the Internet watching and collecting amateur porn which I felt very disrespected by, and he didn’t open a single book written by the people who are the experts on mood disorders to find out how to support me, or even to just understand me. To me, that shows a lack of real caring. It tells me that his love was conditional on my not getting upset about his porn addiction, and just let him carry on his merry little way thinking that he understands the multitude of bipolar manifestations.
I cannot talk to anyone about this. Everyone I know is happily married. When you are getting divorced, the last thing you want to do is talk to someone with a functional marriage. It just makes everything that iota worse than it already is. I find myself questioning whether I have made the right decision, or if I really am as dumb as I feel.
Well, tomorrow is “the” day. I am absolutely resolved to end this farce of a relationship and reclaim my happiness. I firmly believe that I was in a better place mentally before this relationship than I am now. Although, that may be a perception colored by sadness and anger at the demise of a marriage that was supposed to last for life. I have no idea. All I know is that I cannot sleep well, am not eating, am ignoring my appearance, and all the other hallmarks of severe anxiety. I know that this is the right thing to do, and probably has been for quite some time, but actually initiating a separation from someone you once were madly in love with is extremely scary. It means I will be alone with myself again. Just me and my cat. Although, if i am honest about it, I have been alone with my cat for a long time now. But, there was still someone to talk to. When you have nobody to talk to except your cat, then life gets a little weird. Cats are great little furry healers, though. Having a dog or a cat or whatever kind of pet you prefer gives you something to nurture that in turn helps you to remain okay. I digress because I am really freaking out.
I do not understand why this particular separation has me so anxious. It’s not like I have not gone through this before with previous relationships, one of which lasted about 9 years. When that one ended, I did feel like I was going through a divorce due to the length of the relationship. However, I had somewhere to focus my attention during that breakup. I was finishing college and working full-time so I had little time to sit and ruminate on the loss of my significant other. This time around though feels like a failure. I feel like I failed somehow. Like I didn’t do something right, and that, perhaps, everything I did do was in some way wrong or not enough. I didn’t feel that way with my other breakups of relationships. The toughest was the nine-year one. The saddest was one that lasted almost as long as this marriage did. It was only about three and one half years, but I felt a tremendous amount of loss and grief over that one.
I am not good at dating. I am in my early 40’s, and I am pretty well set in my ways at this point. I know what I want, what I like, and what I don’t want and what I do not like. That’s going to make dating difficult. That and I am feeling like somehow being mentally “interesting” is going to be an encumbrance to my meeting someone new. It’s not like I can get away with not being straightforward about the fact that I have manic depression, PTSD, occasional bouts of Agoraphobia, and Panic attacks. They are going to rear their ugly heads at some point just as they always do, and then, people either freak out and want to get away from me, or they try their best to understand but inevitably just cannot handle it, or they are supportive and try to learn what they can about the various challenges I face daily. It’s always one of the three. I think the one that hurts most is the person who tries to understand but ultimately just cannot handle the sometimes intense emotions that I feel. Then they leave. Either be supportive and educate yourself and stick around or freak out right away and be gone. That’s how I prefer it. Two options, no grey area.
I do not mind living alone. In fact, I may prefer it, but you cannot be alone all the time. A person will go nuts, literally, without other people. That’s another thing. I have to find a place to live that I can afford on my little SSDI check, and find a part time job to supplement my income. People take a look at my resume, and the first thing they ask is why I haven’t worked in 6 years. That’s a tough one to explain. It takes delicacy and a lot of inferences and innuendo to having been ill, but being better now. Then, they ask why I only worked two years in previous positions. Hmmmm, because I had uncontrollable mood swings and severe reactions to stress that were sometimes debilitating and I simply could not work for several days? This is where the Agoraphobia and Panic attacks live. i would try to get out the door, even going so far as to get ready to go, and at the last minute realize that the world was too scary that day, and I would call in sick. I was sick, in a matter of speaking, but not in a way that anyone would really understand unless they had had a similar experience. So, that should be fun. Not. I really want to try to finish my Paralegal degree because I think I would make a good one. I love research, I enjoy the legal profession, and I like to be support staff. However, that involves getting funding and getting to school.
I know I shouldn’t feel like a failure, but you reach 42 and your only accomplishment of note is that you finished undergraduate school, you kind of feel like you just didn’t meet your “potential.” There are so many highly functioning Manic Depressives, i just wonder if I am one of them. I do not feel mentally impaired in any way, I do not feel that I am not smart enough, I guess I feel like somehow I have deserved everything that life has thrown at me, and I have either caught the ball and ran with it, or I didn’t. For me, there seems to be no grey area. I am either manic (like I suspect I am now) or I am depressed, but I seem to reside mostly in the middle with mixed episodes: manic and depressed. I know that I am not depressed because the crushing weight that is depression is not sitting on my chest. Probably slightly manic: not eating, not sleeping, thoughts racing, restless and irritable.
I am very scared and sad and glad at the same time. I cannot live with someone who simply refuses to educate themselves about my “disorders,” I do not like that term. It is debilitating, and requires that you accept yourself as less than. But it sure is hard not to feel less than when you are ackowledging that you have lost. I intellectually understand that this divorce is not all my fault, that there is a role that my husband played, but I am experiencing the familiar heart-mind split. If i keep it intellectual, I am less sad, more pragmatic, and more realistic about this. If I let my heart into this, i will be a slobbery mess.
Okay, feeling calmer and more certain than ever that this is the right choice for my health both physical and mental. It has disintegrated to a point where verbal and emotional abuse is common. I grew up that way. I do not have to live like that as an adult. As an adult, I have a choice. Exercising that choice is a whole different world. I warned him that it would come to this, and all he said was don’t threaten me. It wasn’t a threat, it was a certainty. It just got accelerated, that’s all. Okay, I think the anxiety has passed. Maybe I’ll go throw some makeup at my face so I do not look so plain 🙂
I have been inspired today by several other blog posts I have read to think about the nature of spirituality and it’s healing and restorative properties. While I think it is important for anyone to have some sort of spiritual faith be it Christian, Catholic, Buddhist or Wiccan, I have no prejudices concerning people’s choice of spirituality; whatever works is what you should do. 
A Bipolar Journey Through The Rabbit Hole 