What is it about anniversaries of significant moments in our lives; both good and bad and some that are both at the same time? Is it the mind that remembers these times? Is it our heart that keeps these dates close? Or, are these moments so engraved upon our being that we cannot seem to forget? I only wonder as I have in the past when a significant date is coming up or has passed which of these questions is the true question. Or, if they all have correct answers.
On August 29th of this year I will have been divorced for one year exactly even though the process took a couple of months. What is bothering me is how I feel about it. I feel sad, but I also feel a sense of relief, I feel failure as this is or was the only time I got married, but at the same time, I feel the divorce was successful as it restored me to a form of equilibrium, I feel freedom, but also a sense of being shackled as I now have to start the whole process all over again, and I am not the free-wheeling 20-something that I used to be. I am now a grown woman that will not settle as I used to. I have my ways of doing things that will conflict with another’s ideas about how things should work. I have much higher standards than in my college years. I know exactly what type of man I want, and I am afraid that he got away when I decided to get married to someone that I share very little with. Hence, the divorce that I initiated.
I always believed that I would get married once and only once, and so I waited until I thought the right man had come to me. I still believe that I will marry once and only once because of the trauma that relationship put both of us through, the verbal abuse (he saw it as constructive criticism), the emotional neglect has only begun to heal, to suture those gaping wounds left in my heart and my mind.
As the date approaches, I feel more and more anxious. I am concerned that I will not meet another man like the one I knew. The man who loved me so unconditionally that he even loved my mood swings, my paranoia, my anxiety attacks, and my being prone to fatalistic thinking. He loved me with all my quirks, strengths, flaws, and craziness. Nothing could rattle this man. If I was having a bad day, he hugged me, kissed the top of my head, said nothing and left, but I felt better. I told him one time that I loved him, only once. His response was “I have loved you for a long time”. He said it once, but he meant it with all his heart and soul. We only had to say it once. It did not need to be confirmed. That we loved each other just was. It scares me to think that there may only be one man like this, only one man who fit so neatly into my heart that I loved him without question, and he loved me in return. Here comes the “what if” question; what if he was the perfect “soul mate” for me, and I for him and I lost him to marry another who was anything but?
I do not like anniversaries at all, but at least now I am old enough to have gained the wisdom that time does not heal all wounds, but it does make them bearable. However, right now, with the date looming just a a little less than a month away, I feel like a scab has been picked off and I have become a member of the walking wounded. I think I have answered my question; these dates are engraved upon our being, and as humans, we will never completely forget. Forgive, yes, forget, no. I do not believe it is our nature to forget. I hope I am wrong about that.
I just found out through my student loan provider of all sources that my “best” friend no longer wishes to be used as a reference for me. I think that this individual could have at least done me the courtesy of letting me know themselves, but it would appear that mental “interestingness” eats friends without you knowing it. I haven’t even really talked to this person in years so I know that it isn’t the “neediness” factor. It’s not like I am calling this person at midnight when in manic mode, or bawling uncontrollably while in depressive mode. I do not bother anyone with my problems any more. Not since my mom cut me off for a year and a half about 6 or 7 years ago. I was not allowed to call her, go to her house, do laundry at her house, nothing, nada, zip. I learned my lesson, and now I do not bother people because even if they care, they do not want to hear it. Hell, I do not want to hear it, and I have to live with it.
I guess I have more lessons to learn. So much for having a support network. This stupid illness is very alienating. I had a friend, and now I do not have a friend. Well, I guess Christmas time is as good a time as any to learn through a third party that your friend has been eaten. There are many reasons why people do not like this time of year. I suppose I just added a new one. Hmmmmpppphhhh. We had been friends since high school, but I can only assume that the lost friend just doesn’t want to be friends anymore. At least that is the way it appears. Of course, I may be entirely off the mark. I often am, and tend to filter everything through the most negative lens available to me. That’s something to be worked on. I don’t know. Maybe the friendship has outgrown it’s commonalities. My life is nothing like theirs and likewise. So, my illness has consumed another.
My cat will not leave me alone. She has to be on me, or touching me with a paw. She runs her head into my body because she wants to be petted. We took a nap today, and she spread herself down my entire stomach and happily slept there until I woke up and rolled over her. She didn’t like that at all. I got a very nasty look, and the cat equivalent of hhhhmmpphhh. She only does this when I am sick or not feeling well for some other reason. Since, I am not sick, nor am I feeling physically icky in any other way, I have to assume that she is picking up on something I am not completely aware of. She thinks I am depressed and she is going to purr and be all cute and sweet until she thinks I am okay again. She may be right. I believe that animals can sense all manner of things that people themselves don’t or won’t pick up on their own. People are consummate liars when it comes to their emotions, and as there is a tear rolling down my cheek, I am going to have to say that, no, it hasn’t been a good week. I am feeling loss and pain, and I do not like those two emotions. However, they could be gone tomorrow unless it rains because I have no car so I ride the bus, and I can’t find my umbrella. What that has to do with anything is anybody’s guess.
This is my summation of my research, and some personal opinions gleaned from a lifetime of mental illness:
Part Three:
Due to the length of this treatise, I am skipping the different types of psychotherapy and just saying that your therapist and your psychiatrist should communicate and be on the same page. As for the patient. Complying with treatment including psychotherapy is key to recovery or management, whichever you prefer. Also, if you are going through a tough life event, it is a good time to talk to your doctors about your medication needs and you therapy needs. You may need to add a medication or increase you already take, and you may need to see your therapist more frequently until you feel that you are safe, and can handle the situation.
In closing, Bipolar Disorder in all its various forms, manifestations and severity of symptoms is a rollercoaster ride. I tend to compare calm times to being on a long frequency sine wave where you rock gently through the ups and downs, and episodes both depressed and manic as being on the Richter scale. Then you are like an earthquake, and you never know what devastation you will leave in your wake. Hopefully, you never go higher than a 2.0 earthquake because then real damage can be done. Having Bipolar Disorder, in my opinion, requires a level of inner strength that is difficult to achieve because you will lose friends, you will lose husbands and wives, lovers and partners, jobs, and a sense of who you once were. You will question your self-worth, and your worth to other people. It is a devastating disease. It takes and takes, but will never give back. That you have to learn how to do on your own. It is a very needy disease that wears out everyone including the afflicted person. Even if you have the best doctors, and you have the disorder mostly managed, it is usually at a great cost to a lot of people including you. It can be a very lonely illness. But, this is not to say that it is a hopeless situation. You can manage it, you can find friends who will understand or will be willing to learn about it, you can find partners that are understanding that it’s not you that is acting out of sorts, it is the disorder. It is possible to rebuild your life with sympathetic people who will be there when you really need them, and they will understand that you are going through a rough patch, and need help. So, all is not lost as I once thought, and I would imagine other people have felt upon being diagnosed. If you choose to educate yourself about the whole thing, medication, therapy, mood swings, etc. you will know what you are fighting, and you can get the better of it.
This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I am thinking about the impossible to know with a reasonable level of certainty. What do two people have to do or not do to make a marriage work or die a flaming death much like mine? AC/DC’s song “Shot Down in Flames” comes to mind. While I admit that the world is probably a safer place for all involved if I live alone, I wonder what it was that I obviously did or did not do. I know what my problem with the whole grown-ups behaving badly thing is/was. No need to cover old ground, or extremely tainted water under a falling bridge.
I realize that having a diagnosis such as Bipolar tends to knock you a little sideways, and your perceptions of yourself in relation to the world changes a bit (maybe more than a bit). However, once you have recovered your senses, and you happen to be a highly functional mentally interesting person, shouldn’t things get easier not more tedious? Yes, I flew off the handle one too many times, but once again, I wasn’t the one who could not leave my computer sometimes for days on end. I tried to communicate, but how do you communicate with someone who does not know how to communicate with you? It’s like clapping with one hand (thanks to Anthrax for that analogy).
What are you supposed to do with someone who has no desire to really get to know who you are apart from your interestingness, and does not seem to have any desire to learn anything substantial about Bipolar? I, upon receiving said diagnosis, went out and read everything that seemed legitimate. How can you battle that which you do not understand fully? Answer: you cannot effectively deal with any illness unless you know what you are dealing with.
This was supposed to be forever, but I guess that’s a big fairy tale society tells little girls: your knight in shining armor will come and all will be sparkly and shiny and smiley and happily ever after. They lied. I think I met my knight in shining armor, and ditched him to get married to a man who turned out to be a far cry from the “face” he put on during the courtship. I am sure he feels the same about me, but I really do not know how to be anything but myself. He knew my moods weren’t completely handled, but he said, no problem, he could handle it. Apparently not.
So, now I am in my early 40’s looking at starting all over again. Dating in my 30’s was not a problem because of said knight in shining armor. I never had to worry about someone to go drink beer and listen to blues bands with. He was always there for me, in all ways. What the hell was I thinking? Now, I am left to pick up the wreckage that used to be a perfectly satisfying life. I did not have self-worth problems, I did not have problems with how I looked, I did not have a problem with how feminine I was or was not. I didn’t have a problem with a lot of things. As I imagine he didn’t either. But, I wasn’t shattering his masculinity every single day.
i think that I took him very much by surprise when I actually did file for divorce. I had mentioned it several times over the past couple of years, but he never thought I would actually take any action. He said everything I said was just talk and more talk, no action. Well, I guess you shouldn’t threaten me physically. I don’t cotton to that very well. I just wish I could pinpoint where it all went wrong. When I became unhappy with him and he with me. I play it over in my mind, and nothing seems to just pop out at me. I think I became upset with myself when I stopped getting mad about his Internet activities. There was no point. i was just wasting breath. I do not know, but I do not think I will try it again anytime soon. Talk about a learning experience. Never again will I allow myself to be treated like that. I am surprised I didn’t see it until the very end. After all, I grew up in an emotionally abusive family. I should have seen it for what it was and left much sooner. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so scarred. Again.
English: Emotions associated with anger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Apparently there are five stages identified by the mental health professionals to be the cycle of loss and grief. (I do not know if this is a series that implies linear psychological movement or if a person oscillates between stages) They are in order:
Denial & Isolation ~ This is the stick your head in the sand and pretend nothing is happening phase. Actually, it is the first reaction to finding out very bad emotional news such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, etc. This phase allows a person to block out harmful words and to hide from the facts. It is a temporary response meant to get a person through that first wave of pain. It is not intended to last forever.
Anger ~ This is the phase where you point an enraged finger at everything and everyone. In reality, this phase arrives after the masking phase of denial & isolation wears off and the reality and pain of the situation reassert themselves, and we are just not quite ready for them. During this phase, we tend to deflect the most intense emotions by redirection and expression as anger. This anger can be pointed at anything or anyone. One may also feel guilty about feeling angry and become even more so.
Bargaining ~ The “if only” phase. Bargaining is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability and often represents a need to regain control. I call this the “if only” phase because a person in this phase is thinking to themselves “if only I had been a more behaved child, my parents would have stayed together” or “if only I had noticed the changes sooner, my husband would not be as ill as he is.” Basically, one is telling oneself that “if only” they had been or done x,y, and z, then everything would have turned out differently. This is a much weaker line of defense against the pain that is reality. Whatever has happened is done. There is nothing to bargain for or with at this point.
Depression ~ a fairly obvious stage, i would think. There are two types associated with mourning. The first is a reaction to the practical implications of the loss. Sadness and regret play a big part in this phase. It is kind of an extension of the bargaining phase in that one regrets things one has done, and experiences remorse because one is still going through the “if only’s”, but is about to come out the other side into the reality of what has happened. The second type of depression that occurs is much more subtle and perhaps, more personal in nature. This is the phase in which one is quietly preparing themselves to separate from and say goodbye to someone or something we love(d) goodbye. This is the deeply personal sorrow at one’s loss, and is uncomfortable because while one is still deeply sad, at the same time, a person is preparing to move on.
Acceptance ~ or in my opinion, a form of enlightenment. This is not a phase that everyone reaches. Some people may never move past denial and anger. It is not a brave and noble thing to deny the inevitable and the opportunity to make our own form of peace. This phase is very quiet and withdrawn, however, it is not a period of happiness, although it must be distinguished from depression. Coping with a personal loss is a deeply individual and singular process. No two people will grieve a loss in the same way. Nobody can help a person go through it with more ease or to understand the very personal emotions one is experiencing. The best thing one can do is to allow oneself to experience the pain when it comes because resistance will only prolong the process of healing. I call this a form of enlightenment because if one can work their way through this maze, and come out of it changed for the better and more at peace with oneself and the world around you, you have achieved a form of enlightenment, in my opinion.
i thought I had already prepared myself for the loss and grief of the death of my marriage. I had been unhappy for at least two years, apparently completely missed by my husband. I thought I had already decided the relationship was over and that I had been alone for awhile. Nope, I was really wrong. When something like a divorce is just a thought, albeit a very serious thought, one is still married. There is still hope for change if both parties are willing to put in some serious work, and both parties are willing to work on changing things their partner is really unhappy with. But, even counseling is an exercise in futility if even one person is not on the same boat. When one person feels that the other is the one who needs to do all the changing while they continue happily along with their own odious behaviors, even the most skilled therapist will not be able to effect any change in the marriage.
That is how it seemed to me in my own relationship. I was the one who was mentally “interesting.” I was the one who got angry and yelled and threw mini-tantrums. I was the one who just couldn’t get with the program which was my husband could watch Internet porn all day, but I could not bring a male friend to the house. Apparently, I was the “only” woman who ever had any problem with his viewing porn. I had no problem with it either, just not 8 or 9 hours a day, every day. Eventually, it got to the point where I wasn’t even saying anything about it because that was a pointless way to spend breath. I just let him do it, and continue doing it, and I would periodically make unhappy grumbling noises about a divorce which he erroneously thought of as a threat or an ultimatum to get him to slow down. It wasn’t either, it was a certainty. It was just a matter of when.
I truly have been questioning why I stayed in a relationship that so obviously emotionally and insidiously verbally abusive for so long. I am not a weak willed person, at least I did not think so. Yet, I stayed in a relationship that was incredibly abusive in the ways that leave no visible marks but eventually erodes your sense of who you are in the most basic of ways. I no longer think of myself as attractive (I couldn’t live up to the women on the Internet), I no longer think of myself as a sexy, feminine woman, I question my rationality, I question everything i once held to be true about myself. I question my worth to anyone. Hell, I question my worth to myself. I think I am moving between denial, anger, and depression. Even that I am unsure of. I cannot figure out how I could have let this happen to me other than hope springs eternal, and I thought maybe one day he would wake up and realize what I was worth to him. He knows now.
I am tired of so many things……something has got to give and it better not be me. I just wish the world would wake up one morning and realize that while we all may hold different beliefs, lead different lifestyles, eat different food, pray to different divine beings/powers, we are all the same at the core. We all desire to be loved and happy and have friends and a sense of belonging somewhere. We all love our families and our children, and would do anything to keep them out of harm’s way. But, no, people have to be petty and put a stop to any disagreement within their ranks, sometimes with deadly, militaristic force. That’s not going to solve anything in the long run except to determine who had the better weapons and who had the better allies. I find it all frighteningly petty.
There is so much more that people could be doing than having to fight their own governments while their governments hang onto their power by using chemical agents on their own people. Even we have done it. Look at the guys who came back from Desert Storm and started showing up at clinics with mysterious ailments. There are times when I get so discouraged that anything will change because that’s just the “way it has been.” Well, why can it not be “that’s the way it was?” I think I need sleep tonight. My brain is starting to bounce, and I am starting to think aloud and on “paper,” so to speak.
I would love to set up a world-wide contest of sorts to see who could create a country with a government that not only worked, but worked for its citizens, and where diversity was completely embraced as being part of life because no matter how much you stomp your feet and scream and cry, people are going to be different than one another. Accept it, embrace it, get over it.
I am just so extraordinarily pissed off today. About everything. I just do not understand why people hurt the people they purport to love like the air they breathe. I do not understand why people form exclusive little groups and if you don’t belong, then you might as well cease to live. That is what bullying is all about. And, on the subject of bullying, does it seem more prevalent today than when you were in school (provided you have graduated college by now)? I mean, the kids can’t even escape it at home. In my day, you were bullied at school and maybe a little bit by crank phone calls. Now, these kids have iPads, smartphones, they are on the Internet for as many hours as we used to watch cartoons. They can’t escape it. It is insidious and everywhere. Why are 12 year olds committing suicide? What can be so bad in a 12 year long life that rather than struggle through it, they choose to take their lives? I wonder, because I was that kid. You know, the one that was slightly off, but you couldn’t put a finger on it. I was harassed from grade school until I left high school, and yes, I did try several times to take my life. But, I couldn’t do it. Something has kept me alive for many years for some reason that I have not figured out yet. I should be dead. I should not be sitting here letting my mind dance over the million thoughts I have in one minute of an average person’s life. I hate having Bipolar and I hate having ADD, and I hate being anxious so much of the time and I really hate the paranoia that comes with all of them, especially the bipolar and the PTSD which I hate also primarily because of the way I came to develop it. I just really do not like much of anything today. I fell off the sine wave.
I have received the divorce papers. It is official; I am divorced after approximately 4 years of marriage. I do not really know how I feel about it now that it is a reality that I can read as many times as I want on page two of the Divorce Decree. And, believe me, I have been doing just that. That cannot be healthy. My anti-anxiety medication refuses to work, the mood stabilizers are on holiday to Jamaica (or where ever that postcard came from “Wish you were here!”). I am alternately very quickly through mania and depression. Mostly at the same time.
I mailed the required copies to my ex-husband as New Mexico law and I would presume most states, if not all, has this clause. He found out that the divorce was final, I think on Thursday. I found out about a week earlier. It was surreal to read those papers. I think in my mind that it was going to take longer to process the divorce packet. It took two days from the date of filing. It was so fast. My mom and I finalized the papers on a Tuesday, filed Wednesday, and by Friday I was divorced.
I really do not know how I feel about this. I have been waiting for him to change his “habit” for two or more years now. I thought I had worked out the abandonment and neglect that was part and parcel of this marriage. I have been alone with someone for so long that I thought living alone would be easy, and I would just drop into my old routines. That hasn’t happened. I feel sad and depressed. I feel like a complete failure. I have done everything right in my life’; with a few notable exceptions. Why couldn’t I get this right? Why couldn’t he get it right? Its not like he hasn’t had practice. He’s been married three times, and divorced three times. Although, I have noticed a pattern, he stays married for about 3-4 years and then gets divorced. Is he leaving them? Or, are his “habits” so odious that they leave him? He doesn’t need a wife; he needs a friend with benefits and a maid.
I didn’t expect to feel loss. i thought I had been through that already, too. Apparently not. I feel loss, I feel grief, and I feel relief and elation. I feel like I have been having a mixed episode for about three weeks. If I am manic with not too much depression, I can get things done, if I am depressed and slightly manic. I sit and mourn.
I have no more access to a car, so it is looking like my Buddhist activities are going to cease as they are on Sunday, and the Sunday buses rune every hour at inconvenient times. So, that’s not an option. As this spiritual philosophy has kept me grounded for almost 5 years, I do not know what I am going to do with out it. I cannot in all good conscience keep asking people for rides to meetings and events as it may be years before I can get a car, and that is a serious imposition.
English: Caricature on “The great epidemic of pornography”. From 19th-century French illustration (in Courrier Français?). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)An Examination of Being (Photo credit: Wikipedia)Addiction (Photo credit: quadrant6ix)
Since I spend a good deal of time on the Internet I decided to look into when that usage becomes the compulsive need that drives addiction. In addition, having been an abuser of both legal (alcohol) and illegal (whatever you have) substances, and am currently addicted to my anti-anxiety medication (which makes it feel like I have come full-circle ~ that’s a whole different post) I am pretty good at picking out an addict to drugs, alcohol, or now according to the DSM-5, the Internet though not specifically, pornography.
However, the expanded definition of the compulsive behavior that drives Internet Addiction could certainly include an addiction to Internet Pornography. It is readily available, much of it free, and you don’t have to risk being seen coming out of the local porn shop. All an addict, or general consumer has to do is type “Free Porn” into any search engine and there it is. Trust me, I have been dealing with a porn addict for about three years, and I have tried the searches to see what comes up. It is instant gratification for the addict, and that serves to make it a rather insidious addiction. Other addicts have to actively go out and find their “drug of choice.” The Internet, on the other hand, is always there. It is a 24/7 “dealer.”
“In 1990 Aviel Goodman proposed a general definition of all types of addictions in order to extend the specific disorders included in the DSM-III-R. While not explicitly in the context of pornography, Goodman explains his criteria for addiction as a “process whereby a behavior, that can function both to produce pain and to provide escape from internal discomfort, [and] is employed in a pattern characterized by (1) failure to control the behavior (powerlessness) and (2) continuation of the behavior despite significant negative consequences (unmanageability).”[4] Goodman, Aviel (1990). “Addiction: Definition and implications”. Addiction 85 (11): 1403–8.
“Pornography addiction is diagnosed when an individual engages in the overuse or abuse of pornography to the extent that they experience negative consequences.” These negative consequences include significant losses or impairment including social, workplace, and personal relationships. “According to the San Francisco Chronicle, ‘If people want to escape feelings of low self-esteem, shame, isolation or the pressures of life, work or relationships, pornography is a place to get lost and feel wanted, imagining the perfect partners who always desires them – and whom they can always satisfy.'” [7]http://www.sfgate.com/health/article/Porn-addiction-destroys-relationships-lives-3272230.php#ixzz2N3ZSi4o7San Francisco Chronicle. The Chronicle goes on to point out that people who are truly addicted to pornography are at very high risk for job loss and spousal loss.
According to Dr. Asa Don Brown, an author for the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association: “Pornography’s downside is its ability to overtake one’s mind, body, and spirit. For so many, they become so enthralled with this alternative to sex, that it clouds their judgements leading to an acceptable denial.”
As with other addictions, the Internet Addict may try to stop or cut down on the time they spend on the Internet. They are often successful in cutting down for a while, but the compulsion is stronger than their willpower. While I understand this both mentally and emotionally (stopping my own addictive behaviors was extremely difficult and terrifying; what was I going to fall back on when life bit me in the butt?). It is difficult to watch when you are not the addict. People who love the addict worry for their health, the danger of being arrested if caught with illegal substances, the irrational nature of an addict’s behavior which is often explosive if pressured, and the general deterioration of the addict’s overall mental and physical health. In some cases where the addict has tried repeatedly to quit whatever it is they are addicted to and failed, their support systems will begin to shun them in an attempt to protect themselves. This includes parents, friends, spouses and acquaintances. The same holds true for Internet Addiction. It really is no different than a physical addiction which often includes psychological components which must also be addressed if the addict is to become well again.
Dr. Brown, mentioned above, goes on to say that: “For the addict, it is less about the desire and more about fulfilling a compulsive need.”
In a recent study, Tao et al. proposed the following eight symptoms of Internet addiction: from the DSM-V, proposed criteria for Internet Addiction:
Preoccupation with the internet A strong desire for the internet. Thinking about previous online activity or anticipation of the next online session. Internet use is the dominant activity in daily life.
Withdrawal symptoms Manifested by a dysphoric mood, anxiety, irritability and boredom after several days without internet activity.
Tolerance A marked increase in internet use required to achieve satisfaction.
Difficult to control Persistent desire and/or unsuccessful attempts to control, cut back or discontinue internet use.
Disregard of harmful consequences
Continued excessive use of internet despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problems likely to have been caused or exacerbated by internet use.
Social communications and interests are lost
Loss of interests, previous hobbies, entertainment as a direct result of, and with the exception of, internet use.
Alleviation of negative emotions
Uses the internet to escape or relieve a dysphoric mood (e.g. feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety).
Hiding from friends and relatives
Deception of family members, therapist and others about the actual cost/time of internet involvement.
Additionally, several subtypes of Internet Addiction have been identified:
“Several subtypes of Internet Use Disorder have been proclaimed, such as overwhelming, or inappropriate pornography use, online-gaming, online social networking, blogging, or internet-shopping. Also from the DSM-V:
The proposed DSM-V criteria for Internet Addiction are as follows:
In 2010, Tao et al. proposed the following diagnostic criteria for Internet addiction:
Symptoms:
All the following symptoms must be present:
Preoccupation with the internet (the subject thinks about previous online activity or anticipates next online session).
Withdrawal (dysphoric mood, anxiety, irritability and boredom after several days without internet activity).
At least one (or more) of the following must be present:
Tolerance (marked increase in internet use required to achieve satisfaction),
Persistent desire and/or unsuccessful attempts to control, cut back or discontinue internet use,
Continued excessive use of internet despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem likely to have been caused or exacerbated by internet use,
Loss of interests, previous hobbies, entertainment as a direct result of, and with the exception of, internet use,
Uses the internet to escape or relieve a dysphoric mood (e.g. feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety).
Exclusion: The excessive internet use is not better accounted for by psychotic disorders or bipolar I disorder.
Clinically significant impairment:
The excessive internet use leads to functional impairments (eg. reduced social, academic, or working ability), including loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunities.
Course:
The internet addiction must have lasted for an excess of 3 months, with at least 6 hours of internet usage (non-business/non-academic) per day.
Having lived with an Internet addict for approximately three years with his primary usage focusing on pornogrpahy, I can attest to the deleterious effect that this “subtype” of Internet addiction can have. I have felt betrayed, cheated on (which sounds irrational at first until you think about it; your spouse is spending all or most of their time looking at pictures of other naked women, and your marital relationship is suffering), I have felt that he completely forgot his marriage vows or never took them seriously in the first place, I have become much more critical of how I look than I ever was before, my own libido has dropped (probably due to poor self image), poor self-image, lack of worth as a woman, unattractive (how am I supposed to compete with these women; I am an average woman, perhaps a little prettier than some and not as pretty as others), the list goes on.
He sees nothing wrong with his behavior (a sure sign of addiction), and doesn’t understand why I am so bothered by it. He claims his other significant others weren’t bothered. I think they just didn’t say anything. The ultimate result of what he calls a “diversion” and I call an “addiction” due to the fact that he engages in his “diversion” every day for at least 6-8 hours is that he lost me about two years ago. I just didn’t have the strength to leave or, perhaps I thought he would get better. He didn’t, and so now he has lost his wife whom he purported to love. I certainly hope it was worth it.
As the date approaches, I feel more and more anxious. I am concerned that I will not meet another man like the one I knew. The man who loved me so unconditionally that he even loved my mood swings, my paranoia, my anxiety attacks, and my being prone to fatalistic thinking. He loved me with all my quirks, strengths, flaws, and craziness. Nothing could rattle this man. If I was having a bad day, he hugged me, kissed the top of my head, said nothing and left, but I felt better. I told him one time that I loved him, only once. His response was “I have loved you for a long time”. He said it once, but he meant it with all his heart and soul. We only had to say it once. It did not need to be confirmed. That we loved each other just was. It scares me to think that there may only be one man like this, only one man who fit so neatly into my heart that I loved him without question, and he loved me in return. Here comes the “what if” question; what if he was the perfect “soul mate” for me, and I for him and I lost him to marry another who was anything but?
A Bipolar Journey Through The Rabbit Hole 