Constantly Questioning ~ New Question About The Idea Of Being "Disabled"

This is another question that came to mind this morning (too much coffee mixed with Adderall 🙂 ) How much of a person’s disability are either mental disorders or developmental disorders, and how much of it is because society has told a person that they are “disabled”?

This weekend I had the privilege of meeting a young woman who has certain physical challenges, and, I think also some mental challenges. She just graduated from a private school here, and intends to start college this Fall semester with the goal of becoming a 5th grade teacher. She is clearly “disabled” or “challenged,” if you prefer, but she has a strength of will and a determination to become a teacher that I have not seen before in a “disabled” or “challenged” person.

I was thinking of her as I looked into the mirror while drying my hair, and it occurred to me that “disabled” is a social construct, and maybe, not so much a reality. I do not look disabled as all of my challenges come in the form of Affective disorders, Anxiety disorders, and one learning disorder (Adult ADD). I do not have developmental disabilities. I do not have anything that makes me look different than anyone else. If you were to meet me on the street, or in a class, the only way you would  know that I struggle daily with a host of mental problems would be to talk to me at length. Then, I may come across as different or weird due to A) being wired “backwards” (ADD ~ Can mimic a manic phase) and B) I am insatiably curious about everything or C) if I am waiting at a bus stop, I generally have ear plugs in to deter people from talking to me, but it also cuts down on the stimulation I get. I am an introverted personality, and I do not really need the adulation of the crowd. That overwhelms me.

So, does Bipolar Type I with psychotic tendencies, PTSD, Panic disorder with Agoraphobia, ADD, and having an avoidant personality make me disabled? I know to a certain extent that the lability of my emotional state can cause problems with friends, co-workers, bosses, etc. If you don’t like my mood, wait a few minutes, and it will change. I know that PTSD interferes with my life in that I am hyper-vigilant, overly aware of who is near me (I can “feel” a person behind me up to 70 feet even when plugged in), I have recurring nightmares though not so much anymore, I can relive the event that led to the diagnosis in both the third and the first person, and I have fear reactions to people who resemble my attacker (I was 16 and about 3 months). The Panic disorder with Agoraphobia thankfully seems to have abated somewhat, but I still periodically can’t mentally make myself leave my apartment, and if I try, bad things happen. ADD is just added fun to the mania of Bipolar. Mania makes my brain bounce, and the ADD joins in just for fun. So, yes, based on those diagnoses and symptoms make life very challenging, and since I am usually in a “mixed” episode ~ equally manic and depressed at the same time, I frequently get “stuck” as I am the most motivated depressed person, and the most depressed manic person. Nothing gets completely done; does that make me disabled in the workforce? I think so due to the fact I have a hard time accomplishing anything completely and on-time. Agoraphobia is just like icing on the cake as is the avoidant personality problem.

However, every time I visit my psychiatrist, I am noted to be “well groomed”, which is opposed to disheveled, I suppose. I have to be really deep down the Rabbit Hole to go out without at least clean hair, and screw the rest. But, I am a girly girl, and I like my nail polish, jewelry and make-up. So, even when I do not feel well, it is very hard to tell unless you know me intimately, or I tell you, or I just break down for no reason. So, we have visited the physiological and the psychological aspects of being “disabled” (another word I dislike). Moving along to the social notions of disability.

Here’s where I get a little bit confused. Yes, I do have markedly impaired social and functioning skills. But, how much have I bought into being told by doctors and other mental health worker’s and society (including family and friends) that I am disabled? How much of my personality has become tied up in what Sociologists call the “sick role”? In other words, am I disabled because I have some very challenging mental problems, or is it because I have these mental issues that society itself has labeled me disabled?  These are questions I just do not have the answers to. When interacting with people especially over a long period of time, they come to the conclusion that I am weird, that my thoughts are not “normal” (whatever that is; although daily thoughts of suicide probably are not normal), that I am somehow different than they are.

I guess it is because I am up for medical review of my disability benefits that these questions have popped up. I have not been reviewed in more than 7 years which according to the Social Security Administration is the cycle for people not expected to improve past a certain point, or the duration of the illness is greater than 12 months or can be expected to end in death. Bipolar disorder is one of the deadliest of the “severe” psychiatric disorders probably for it’s high rate of completed suicides. Therefore, I wonder if I am disabled because I have several different types of mental disorders, or because the doctors, the government, and society tells me that I am. Because I am damn good at hiding it 🙂 

And here’s an interesting story that aired on 60 minutes regarding the Social Security Disability program: http://www.pogo.org/blog/2013/10/60-minutes-takes-down-disability-benefits-did-they-get-the-story-right.html

What do you think: truly disabled, or disabled because our society tells people they are?

"….there are things known and things unknown and in between are the Doors……" ~ Jim Morrison

English: View of the crescent moon through the top of the earth’s atmosphere. Photographed above 21.5°N, 113.3°E. by International Space Station crew Expedition 13 over the South China Sea, just south of Macau (NASA image ID: ISS013-E-54329). Français : Photo des couches hautes de l’atmosphère terrestre. Polski: Zdjęcie górnych warstw atmosfery ziemskiej z widocznym przejściem w przestrzeń kosmiczną. Ελληνικά: Η Γήινη ατμόσφαιρα, η φωτογραφία ελήφθη από το διάστημα κι ύψος 335 χιλιόμετρα (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Even though Jim Morrison was a seriously troubled man with a severe alcohol dependency, there were definitely things he said and wrote that can make a person stop and say “hmmmmmm.” The above quote is one of those things, at least for me, being as how I am on anti-psychotic medication for mood stabilization and partly, I think, to treat the symptoms of PTSD. Something my father told me once is practically a perfect mirror of this quote (this was back before he decided to “disown” me). He taught Histology (study of cells) and Gross Anatomy (dissection for anyone who doesn’t know). We were talking about the mechanism by which psychotropic medication, specifically anti-depressants that work directly on Norepinephrine, Dopamine, Seratonin, and Monamine Oxidase, and he said that they are like keys to a lock. They mimic the chemical composition of the neuro-transmitter, and plug themselves into the receptor thereby increasing the supply of the naturally produced neurotransitter. However, he said something interesting in the rather dry explanation of how these drugs work, he said that when the artificial molecule locks into place, it is like a door closing. He said that scientists do not really know how these neuro-transmitters really work, but that when they do lock into place, it is like one door closing leaving another one to open.

 

I was thinking about this today (my birthday of all days). The above quote describes everything. It is all encompassing. There are things that are known and accepted without question like the speed of light, the amount of force it takes to achieve orbit around the Earth, the amount of force it takes to leave Earth’s atmosphere, the fact that one sock will always go missing when you do laundry. These things are known to be true, and are not challenged. Then there are things unknown and ideas about them are in constant flux. The existence of Dark Matter to explain the discrepancy in the weight of known matter and the actual weight of the Universe, how psychiatric medication really works, how gravity holds our planet in place, why Einstein’s interest in time travel was never really explored, why some people are predisposed to addiction and/or mental “interestingness”, how much influence genetics has, how people assign value to things like time and money. These are things that are not known, at least to me. In between these known and unknown things are the doors (of perception, from William Blake’s poem). 

 

Exactly how does one open the doors of perception? Jim Morrison would have said with the aid of hallucinogens….. having experienced that type of perceptual shift, I would say he and Timothy Leary were right. However, I have noticed that while one is influenced by whatever hallucinogen one chooses, one can understand the whole Universe, solve all world problems, and know the true meaning of life, but you better write it all down because all that “knowledge” will be gone the next day. 

 

I think if you let it, love can also open the doors between the known and the unknown.  But it is a different type of known versus unknown. In this case, what is known while one is single is completely different to what one must allow to become known. Love is a huge unknown that requires huge leaps of faith, a letting down of defenses, “allowing” yourself to receive and give love. If you cannot allow yourself to receive love, you will not be able to return it in kind. If your defenses remain intact, your “lens” will never shift. You will end up single but with somebody. If you cannot “allow” yourself to know what it is like to be loved, your ability to “allow” yourself to love in return will be paralyzed. Your whole paradigm has to shift from one type of knowing to another, and this requires opening doors within yourself. You have to open all your doors to experience love while closing off others. Love is one of the greatest of unknowns.

 

There are many different kinds of doors, but they all have one thing in common: a shift in thinking or in your world view. Intellectual knowledge of what is accepted to be true and that which is still “in testing” involves one set of doors. In order to continue exploring and pursuing the intellectual requires an opening of the creative mental doors, a shift in the paradigm of what has been proven true and what is still under observation. One has to be able to have new ideas, new ways of thinking about the unknown. I really think that human emotions are the greatest knowns and unknowns. Anger, sadness, hostility, one can usually attach a “known” source to emotions such as those. Love, attraction, like, those are unknowns. When asked, most people cannot explain why they love someone, they just do. When asked why they are attracted to someone, most people do not know that either. What has happened is the doors between the known and unknown are open, and one’s perception has shifted in order to open those doors. If they stay shut, love is not received in a positive way, it goes unrequited. And one cannot love another back if those doors remain shut. All human discovery, emotion, thought, and ideas have involved the opening of the doors between the known and the unknown. It has to be that way for anything to happen. Discovery does not occur without rethinking a “known” idea. Emotions such as love will not flourish without opening one’s defenses. Creative thought will not occur without opening the door to a different way of viewing a problem or a solution. New ideas will not flourish without a shift in one’s “lens” or allowing oneself to be open to a different paradigm. Everything relies on those doors of perception to open in order to advance anything from science to human relations. 

 

The doors of perception are in each of us. All we have to do is let them open, and wondrous things can occur. However, it can take a rather large leap of faith to allow oneself to open one door and close another. Sorry for the weird post. I have been thinking way too much since the divorce filing.

 

Mental Chess, No Pieces, Just Moves

THE MIND OF RD REVILO, The Blog (& Podcasts) 4 THE BROTHERS, THE BROTHERHOOD THE RESURRECTION OF OUR MANHOOD

• Mental Chess is The Game
• Being Played today
• A Mind, not Developed, Disciplined
• Trained, en-Lightened, Educated
• Can’t play, if all it can do is memorize
• Repeat, be redundant, or re-done-it
• It is defeated, blinded, withopen eyes
• No problem solving, no creativity
• No capacity to think beyond what is reverberated
• Is a brain full of ideas, but constipated
• For the ultimate Lesson is Expression
• Like shooting blanks with a Gun
• The know-ers just play with you
• They know you’re dumb
• Today’s educational system lynches
• Minds with rote, a rope hanging one with hope
• To keep you and yours a distant second
• Your alka seltzer, brain, fizzles, can’t even reckon
• So around and around the circle you go
• Doesn’t matter, fast or slow, you can only repeat
• What you hear, that’s all you know
• No extrapolation, expanding or discovery
• Before the very first move
• You’ve been checkmated, beyond recovery…R.D.Revilo

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