This Bites…..

I am experiencing that horrible fate that at times overcomes even the most prolific of writers: Writers Block. Its like having a mixed episode with words. The words want to come, they are the most motivated words in the world, but they are also the least motivated words in the world, preferring to laze around in my head while some fictional muscle bound guy feeds them peeled grapes a la Cleopatra. If you had that going for you, would you want to jump out of the warmth of my head onto the coldness of the computer screen? I wouldn’t. I’d stay with the muscle bound grape feeder. And, no, I have gone off the deep end. I did that years ago. I am not even sure what the shallow end looks like.

Writer’s Block

However, in all seriousness, this is just as bad as living in mixed episode world. The words are stuck in my head. They would like to get to their proper home in the WordPress servers, but they lack motivation. They are the most manic and the most depressed little words in the world. Maybe I am having a psychotic break? Nope, that can’t be it, because I know I am not psychotic which rules out psychosis.

Oh, this is worse than manic depression! How can you say that, I hear people saying? Nothing could be worse than severe mental disruption. This, to me, is worse. I have been writing since I was 12 years old. I am now nearing 44 years of age. That’s 32 years of writing about anything and everything. And, now, I get the dreaded Writer’s Block during the Holiday season when I am generally most prolific. I do not like the Holidays for as many reasons as other people who do not like the Holidays.

Arrgghhh! This has to stop. Writing is my release. It is my way of getting my head out of my head (I know that doesn’t seem to make sense, but it works in my world.) So, my head is stuck inside itself which means I am thinking. Generally, when I think, I have to write down what I am thinking so it doesn’t disturb the delicate balance of mixed episode world. If I tilt the world a little to the left, I can go into major depression. I do not like that space. If I tilt to the right, I can go into manic world. I do not like that space either (well, maybe for a day or two, but we all know that mania sticks around longer than that.) Must maintain balance in the world of my head at all costs. I have to be able to walk the tightrope that is the continuous mixed episode. It is the only “normal” that I know. I will not get through the Holidays if this blockage continues.

I have already lost my mind to several psychiatric diagnoses, have to take medication just to get out of the house, have to take medication to make my brain focus, medication for mood stabilization, and one more for depression. Writing is the only thing that keeps me sane, and won’t cause addiction (the anti-anxiety medication, and the one to keep me focused), or cause unwanted side effects like weight gain (mood stabilizers). Writing has always been my constant, my rock when my ocean acts up and the waves stop their gentle rocking, and I get weird. Not that I am not already weird. That was established in grade school. This is a totally different kind of weird. This is an emotional weird, and it is an unpleasant place to be; very uncomfortable, and there aren’t any pillows in this space. There are so many things I need to get out of my head, and I can’t. My brain is stuck in neutral. Hmmphh……

 

What Goes Up Must Come Down

I have been having a terrible time with sleeping recently which for someone who has Bipolar is a really bad thing. I get in bed after taking nighttime meds, I read a little, I get sleepy, I turn out the light, and Bam!, I am awake, but sleepy because of the meds. I cleaned up my room at 12:30 am having gone to bed at 10:00 pm, and sleeping for about 2 hours, and then there it goes, my eyes open, my brain starts up, and I end up doing really crazy sounding stuff like cleaning up my room at 12:30 am, and then watching TV for 3 hours, going back to bed, and sleeping a little then waking up at 5:00 am. That is around 4 hours. However, the problem is that it is not 4 hours straight. I have been cat-napping for about 2 weeks. 

I finally call my doctor in desperation at 8:00 am yesterday explaining to the tech that answered the phone that I needed to speak to his nurse, that I have bipolar disorder, I am not sleeping more than an hour or two at a time, that my diagnosis also included the potential for psychosis. and that I was starting to hear and see things I knew were not real (major check for psychosis; if you know it isn’t real then you are not psychotic, yet). In other words, I tried to make it very clear that I was dissembling rapidly. I called two more times. Nothing. At approximately 5 in the evening, I talked to another tech, by this time fairly freaked out, and she assured me that a nurse would call me straightaway. Nope. By 6 pm, I was sobbing uncontrollably (lack of emotional control due to lack of sleep), and seeing and hearing things.

I was having this ethical argument with myself about whether it was wrong to go to the ER and take up a bed that someone else who was very ill or injured could use just because I couldn’t sleep and was becoming psychotic, or should I just stay home and hope that that which is up will always come down. You know its bad when you are having moral arguments with yourself, and both teams are deadlocked. So I called a nurse hotline in an attempt to clear up this moral dilemma. I figured maybe a third, impartial party could solve the issue. Nope. That’s just the way my life flows (or doesn’t). She said I should go because of the hallucinations, but since I knew they were not real, I was not psychotic, yet, therefore, I could probably stay home and try to get some sleep, and try the doctor again in the morning. Which I ultimately did do, and I slept. I did not sleep straight through, I did wake up a handful of times, but by now I am so tired that I have no choice but to sleep.

I am still tired, but I am awake for the day, and there is no going back down which I don’t think I ever did. I think my body in collusion with my brain said “Enough is enough. We are sleeping now….” so off to sleep I went. I am still hearing things and seeing things in my peripheral vision that I know are not there. That is a good thing. It means I am not psychotic, yet. I am pretty pissed off at my doctor’s office though. A bipolar on the verge of psychosis is not funny, it is a very real crisis. But, you are not suicidal and you are not homicidal, so it must not be that bad. Ahem (clearing throat)…….when its you that cannot sleep, and are hearing and seeing things….its bad. Fucking “normal” people.

My Blog's Namesake And Inspiration For The Rabbithole

I do not know why I have not posted this before now. This song is the namesake of my blog, and the inspiration for much of what I describe as the Rabbit Hole (although my meds no longer take me there…..I can get there on my own) The White Rabbit video apparently came with some other good songs from that era. Hmmm.

Lyrics: One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small,
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all.
Go ask Alice
When she’s ten feet tall.

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you’re going to fall,
Tell ’em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
Call Alice
When she was just small.

When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you’ve just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low.
Go ask Alice
I think she’ll know.
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead,
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen’s “off with her head!”
Remember what the dormouse said:
“Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head”

What Exactly Is Bipolar Disorder? Part Two

This section covers diagnosis and treatments:

Part Two:

Diagnosis

Bipolar disorder operates on a spectrum that includes four types. To be diagnosed with any form of Bipolar disorder, one must meet the criteria set out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder (the DSM).

1. Bipolar I Disorder ~ defined by manic or mixed episodes that last for more than a week, or by manic symptoms so severe hospitalization is required. There is usually a depressive episode lasting longer than 2 weeks. This is the “classic” form of the illness
2. Bipolar II Disorder ~ characterized by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but no full-blown manic or mixed episodes.
3. Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (BP-NOS) ~ used when symptoms of  Type I or Type II are not present, but the behavior is clearly not within the normal range for that person.
4. Cyclothymic Disorder, or Cyclothymia ~ a mild form of Bipolar Disorder (there has been some talk as to whether to include this in the Bipolar Spectrum). It is used when the person has episodes of hypomania as well as mild depression for at least 2 years. The symptoms do not meet the criteria for Bipolar Disorder as laid out in the DSM.

Since people are more likely to seek out treatment when depressed, the diagnosing clinician should take a very specific medical history to avoid a misdiagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. People who what they refer to as Unipolar Depression do not have manic or hypomanic episodes.

Bipolar Disorder can get worse with time if left untreated. Episodes may be more frequent or more intense. In addition, delays in getting the correct diagnosis can lead to significant personal, social and work-related problems (oh, how well I know that having been fired from 2 jobs before being correctly diagnosed with Type I Bipolar). Proper treatment of the illness can help reduce the frequency and intensity of the episodes making it possible for a person with manic-depresseive illness able to lead a full and productive life.

Substance abuse is high among Bipolars although the reasons for the connection are not clear. The working hypothesis is that people are self-medicating. Taking CNS inhibitors like alcohol or certain groups of pills to bring themselves down, and using stimulants when feeling depressed.

Anxiety Disorders such as PTSD, social phobia and generalized anxiety often co-occur in people with Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is also co-morbid with ADHD/ADD which both mimic some of the symptoms of Bipolar like restlessness or an inability to focus. I am one such lucky individual to have the PTSD, Social Phobias, and ADD. Makes for an interesting ride sometimes.

Treatments

Now we get into the fun stuff: medication, or the “med-go-round” as I have named it. Bipolar Disorder cannot be cured but it can be effectively managed. Proper treatment can help many people ~even those with the most severe forms ~ manage their mood swings and the resulting behavior. As it is a lifelong illness, treatment is an ongoing long-term process and even those who have most successfully recovered may have continued albeit not as intense mood swing and changes in behavior. The NIMH funded “Systematic Treatment Enhancement Program for Bipolar Disorder (STEP-BD)” is the largest study ever conducted on Bipolar Disorder. It found that almost half of those who had recovered still had lingering symptoms, and having additional mental disorders increased the chance of relapse (no wonder I cannot hold down a job).

Treatment is most effective when the patient works closely with his or her doctor and there is open and honest communication about medication and how the patient feels they are doing on it. The most effective treatment plan usually includes medication and psychotherapy.

Medication

This is where the patient gets turned into a guinea pig. I am really not kidding. Finding the right medications to stabilize a person’s mood and therefore their behavior is a really un-fun (yes, I know that’s not a word) proposition. There are many different types of medication used for the treatment of Bipolar Disorder. One suggestion for the early phases of medicating a person is to have the patient log their moods, sleep patterns, and “life events”/stress/anxiety and tell the psychiatrist about side effects, especially if they become intolerable, or if your moods change for the worst. That will give the clinician an idea of what’s working and what’s not working. Although, my experience with the first go at medication had me on 6 different medications. How could they tell what worked and what didn’t? I eventually found a psychiatrist who thinks the way I do about medication. The fewer to accomplish the goal, the better.

There are a few basic types of medication used to treat Bipolar Disorder. They include mood stabilizers like Lithium, atypical antipsychotics like Abilify, and anti-depressants although one has to be careful with that class of medication as it can provoke a manic episode and/or increase mood cycling.

Lithium is the mood stabilizer of choice when a person first steps on the med-go-round. Lithium is a trace element that everyone needs to live, but in much higher doses, it is an effective mood stabilizer. Unless you are allergic to it as I am. Then, it does nothing for your mood because you are feeling like you have the flu all the time. Essentially, you are being poisoned. But, it does work for a lot of people. It was the first of the mood stabilizers to be approved for use by the FDA in the 1970’s for treating both mania and depression.

Anti-convulsants are also used as mood stabilizers although their primary purpose is to treat seizures associated with Epilepsy or other seizure disorders. The ones most commonly used are Depakote, which was approved in 1995 although there are special risk factors for younger women, Lamictal which can be effective in treating depression but comes with a “black box” warning that it may have serious side effects such as Steven-Johnson Disease which can be fatal. The anti-convulsant category comes with the FDA warning that use may increase suicidal ideation and behavior. Tried both of the above and side effects were intolerable, and didn’t need to be more suicidal than I already was. Doctors and patients need to closely monitor the effects of the anti-convulsants for any mood changes for the worse, and suicidal thoughts and/or behavior.

All of the medications in the category “mood stabilizer” have lengthy lists of side effects including dry mouth, bloating, restlessness, joint or muscle pain, and others. Other common side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, headaches, mood swings and cold-like symptoms. Medication is fun!

Atypical anti-psychotics (the new breed of Thorazine without the drooling) are sometimes used to stabilize mood and behavior. The most prominent are Zyprexa usually used with an antidepressant to control mania and psychosis, Abilify used for manic or mixed episodes, and Seroquel, Resperidal, and Geodon also used to treat mania.

I currently take 30 mg of Abilify each morning, with Welbutrin and Klonopin (for anxiety), and 500 mg of Seroquel at night as it knocks me out cold for a good 9 hours (see post on Waking up On Seroquel). Geodon is worse. Won’t take it, don’t even try.

The side effects of atypical antipsychotics are not nearly as bad as their predecessors. First of all, don’t drive until you know how they affect you (I once had the world tilt 90 degrees while at the grocery store, and I had driven my car there. That was not cool). The list of side effects for the atypicals is fairly short: drowsiness, dizziness upon standing, blurred vision, rapid heartbeat, sun sensitivity, and a couple of others.

I am going to skip the anti-depressant category because most people have either taken one of  them personally or know someone who does. The only problem with using them for Bipolar depression is mood switching and rapid cycling of moods.

 

The Long Road To A Correct Diagnosis ~ Why Rapid Cycling Is Hard To Identify Part Two

Universe (Photo credit: Loulair Harton)

I just could not stomach the idea that this was a life-long illness that has no cure. It is only treatable; sometimes successfully, other times, not so much. It can be managed through medication, therapy (long-term, in most cases), and in my opinion, some sort of spiritual faith that keeps you grounded (it also provides a social circle, and, in some cases, wonderful people who lift you back up if you stumble). But, it is, in my opinion and experience never “under control”. It is simply well managed.

One of my last two trips to the psych ward involved a heavy duty overdose of two completely full prescriptions for Geodon (an atypical anti-psychotic) and Wellbutrin (a popular anti-depressant for Bipolars). I think I swallowed about 27 Geodon and about 25 Wellbutrin tablets, then sat back to wait. I was determined that this time I was going to get it right. I would not under any circumstances call 911, I would not call my mother or my best friend; this time I was all-in. Until the consequences of my actions began to take hold. I began to question whether I was really all-in or not, because the fact of the matter was that I was dying. This time I had really f*&^%ed up, and had taken lethal doses of both medications. I don’t remember a whole lot of what followed, but I have to assume I called 911 and told the operator what I had taken. Seriously rapid response time for the paramedics. I had never seen them get anywhere that fast. Of course, the police came. I was coherent enough to remember a female officer asking about a knife that I used as a letter opener, and whether I had ever cut myself. I told her no. I do not like pain of any kind. That’s why I swallow pills. However, my will to live is too strong.

This particular attempt scared any desire to attempt suicide ever again no matter how dark the tunnel I was in seemed to be right out of me. Initially, I was relatively coherent, and responsive. They quickly hooked me up to 8 separate IV‘s to flush the drugs I had taken, and by now were in my blood stream (which meant they were cycling through my brain). Very slowly, total paralysis from the neck down began to set in. Oh, and the entire emergency room and all the people in it turned a fucshia pink. Neither of those symptoms were okay with me. I couldn’t move at all, and I was becoming psychotic at the same time, and I knew it. It is the weirdest feeling I have experienced on this “ride.” I was totally psychotic, broken from reality, but I knew that I was psychotic and nothing I saw or heard could be trusted. I mean, honestly, fuschia? Being psychotic is fine, but let’s leave out the color changes; they are too weird for me. So, all these hot pink people were doing everything in their power to save my life, and I do mean that. I was so close to dead that if I had called 911 any later, I probably would have succeeded. 

So, no s*&^, there I was completely unable to move any part of my body except my head, hooked up to at least 8 IV’s and having to pee every 5 to 10 minutes. The extremely nice hot pink nurse’s aides would do their best to get me up to the small portable toilet they had near my bed, and this went on for what seemed like hours. I lay there fully aware of my psychosis, and pleading with the powers that be to allow me to just wiggle a toe. It didn’t seem like a whole lot to ask. I spent 30 minutes just trying to wiggle my big toe, and then the miraculous happened! My toe wiggled and I was the one sending the electrical impulses from my brain. All was not lost after all. Slowly, I began to move other parts of my body. I was going to be okay, at least physically. I had no idea what I had done to my brain functioning. All I knew was that hot pink people were not normal.

I was transferred by ambulance to the psych ward of the same group of hospitals. During the ride there, I made a vow with myself and the Universe that if I were lucky enough to come out of this with no lasting effects, I would never try again. That was five years ago, and while I have had suicidal thoughts up to the point of lining the pill bottles up to see what was left and if a cocktail might do the job, I will never break that vow. Something very bad will happen if you break vows with the Universe as a whole. No one really knows what’s out there, and I am not willing to find out. 

After being shuttled through the psych emergency room, I was placed on the ward as a suicide risk. They locked the door to my room if I wasn’t in it, and even worse, they locked the door to the bathroom both night and day. The meds I was on were extremely dehydrating so I drank a lot of fluids, and the door to the bathroom was locked. That, at the time, was high on my irritant Richter scale. I was on “suicide watch” for about 3 days.

In the meantime, I watched the walls swirl and warp into pretty patterns, and asked the psychiatrist if she saw ants marching in formation on the floor. She said no, but I could plainly see them. As far as I was concerned they were real, but here’s the caveat, I knew at the same time that they were not real. It is real strange to know you are psychotic. You are not supposed to know that your reality is different from other people’s. But, I did know. Some part of my brain was still functioning normally while the majority took a little trip. Yea!

I am happy to say with a great deal of gratitude and indebtedness that I have only been back to the hospital once in these past 5 years. Apparently, the Universe heard me, and has held me to what I promised. I still cycle far more often than I would like, but at least now I understand more about what signals the onslaught of an “episode.” Depressive episodes are usually precluded by a great deal of agitation, restlessness, and bouncing from activity to activity with none of them holding my interest for very long. So, knowing that, I can head it off at the pass by having my psychiatrist renew my anti-depressants or up something or lower something. The manic spells I just don’t really have them much. However, the same agitation and restlessness are there but it is accompanied by a great deal of highly focused activity usually writing. So, this blog is fueled by rapidly changing highs and lows. Manic-Depression is……well it is what it is and it is different for everyone. There is no typical mentally “interesting” person. And, I find that makes the world an even more wondrous place even if it is filtered through a now stable madness. 

The Long Road To A Correct Diagnosis ~ Why Rapid Cycling Is Hard To Identify Part One

Bipolar Disorder (Photo credit: SheriW1223)

Okay, for anyone who doesn’t know me or my blog: I have rapid cycling Bipolar type I with psychotic features, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety disorder with and with out Agoraphobia, oops, forgot Adult ADD. Basically, all this means is sometimes I can’t leave the house without having a panic attack, I am very jumpy, hyper-vigilant, and can recall the incident that caused the PTSD vividly in both the first person and the third person. It has been 24 years, and while I largely do not think about it, I do have dreams every now and again.  It is part of my past that I live with much like the Bipolar type I with psychotic tendencies diagnosis. The whole purpose of this blog is to help me better understand how to manage this illness, and to let the reading public know that we are just as ordinary as they are.

Okay, so Rapid Cycling Manic-Depression is a symptom of the illness in which the Manic-Depressive experiences 4 or more distinct episodes of either depression or mania within a year. That‘s the “official” explanation. People with Rapid Cycling Manic-Depression can cycle faster. I find that I tend to cycle faster when I am under extreme duress like I am now. That’s a whole other story altogether. Maybe I will tell it when I stop crying about it. I actually diagnosed myself with Rapid Cycling Manic-Depression because after reading the symptoms, I saw myself in those pages. I tend to cycle very rapidly. I have roughly 7 or 8 major depressive episodes per year, and about 3 manic episodes. I usually write when I am manic. Most of my blog is fueled by mania, and partially by severe, bone crushing depression which has recently been the case.

Rapid Cycling Manic-Depression is often very difficult to diagnose because the patient usually presents in the depressive phase. Frequently, a diagnosis of Unipolar Depression is given, and the doctors set about treating the depression which can paradoxically cause a manic episode. More women than men present in the depressive phase. My guess is that the manic or hypo-manic high feels good for a while so men don’t see the need for treatment, but there is always the crash, and it is painful. One day you are on the top of the world, and the next you are crying and depressed for no real apparent reason.

I, myself, presented in the depressive phase along with Agoraphobia. I hadn’t been to work in 11 days. I refused to speak to my supervisor. I left voice mails to say that I wouldn’t be in that day. I eventually lost my job due to the fact that I missed so many days of work. I had not yet been diagnosed with Manic-Depression type I with psychotic tendencies. I knew from previous experiences with severe depression that this was not a normal depression for me. I have been having major depressive episodes since I was in Grammar School, and this was not like any of those. I was paranoid, and I couldn’t leave my apartment for fear of a panic attack. I was paralyzed with depression and fear. This wasn’t right or normal for me. I always went to school, and even completed college (albeit on the 7 year plan). The Agoraphobia was new and different. Different enough that I compiled a list of psychologists, and sent it to my primary care doctor to see if he knew of any of them. I wasn’t going to be tossed around between different docs like I was in my teens. I wanted someone who could understand me, and understood what was happening to me. I was, at this point, 31 years old and had been an untreated Manic-Depressive for about 14 years. I was always treated for depression.

As it turned out, one of the therapists on the list had worked under my Primary Care Physician, and he recommended her to me as I am pretty eccentric, and so is she. She also happened to specialize in mood disorders. So, on 09/03/2003, I drug my depressed, agoraphobic self out of my apartment, got in my car and drove to her office which was a lot further than I wanted it to be. C’est la vie. I spewed out everything that I had been through as a teen, as a pre-teen, and as a child to her. I really do not where it all came from, but I sensed that maybe this was someone I could finally trust. She seemed very, very bright which for me is essential since I can convince most docs that I am fine and do not to see them anymore, and then turn around and swallow a bottle of aspirin. I have not been able to do that with her. 

This was wonderful! I finally had met a psychologist who could help me. She was certainly more eccentric than I was. I made another appointment to come back the next week. She administered the Minnesota Multi-Phasic Inventory; no one had done that before. The test measures levels of trust, paranoia, depression, mania, and is a wonderful diagnostic tool when you are trying to figure out a diagnosis. She was doing something to try to figure out what was actually wrong with me. All the other psychologists I had seen were too easy to manipulate, and what are teenagers are really good at: manipulation.

She actually listened to what I said very carefully. It took about 6 months, and then she dropped the bomb: Manic-Depression type II. So, she and I went over the DSM criteria for that diagnosis. It was almost right. A couple of weeks later, I graduated. I was given the diagnosis (label) of Manic-Depression type I with psychotic tendencies. WTF!?!?! Me! “No, absolutely not” my brain screamed!

That began a series of hospitalizations for suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. This stage of “acceptance” went on for several years. I was not adjusting well to the diagnosis. I felt like my life was over. Everything I had read and heard about Manic-Depressive illness that had gone untreated as long as mine had made the diagnosis sound like a death sentence. I had learned that it was important to catch it early when symptoms first present themselves because Manic-Depression is a progressive disorder; it gets worse with time if it goes untreated. I was really freaked out. 

Psychiatric Medication AKA Drugs That Keep Other People Sane

Clonazepam tablets Klonopin 1mg. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have no idea what is going to come out in this post as I am at once both pro and con on the medication front of bipolar illness. I do know I do not like some of the side effects of the medications, but by the same token, having tried to go off the medications, I can see where they are necessary to keep everybody else around me “sane.” If I go off them, I become overly moody, paranoid, delusional, yah da yah da yah. I think they (the doctors) like to neatly categorize these effects as “episodes.” They like things in neat little diagnostic boxes. This is not to say that all the psych doctors and people in the mental health profession are bad. There are some who are quite good at what they do. What I question is why do I have to be on these medications for the rest of my life? 

I recently ran out of one of my medications and could not get it for about four days. Apparently, my HMO decided to play doctor as they have in so many other cases, most being much more serious than mine. At any rate, my HMO deemed it “too early” for a refill. I was fairly okay the first day off the medication thanks to it’s long half-life, day 2 was a little worse as I was developing extremely high anxiety, a feeling like nothing around was real, and just generally feeling strange, but I managed to hide this mini-trip into psychosis. I was out with my Mom looking for apartments, and that meant I had to deal with people real or not. Mostly, it meant I had to act “normal” which if are in a semi-psychotic state is very hard to do. So, due to physical addiction to this drug and my HMO paying God with my meds, I got to experience a mild psychosis for about 3 days.

I have also experimented with stopping Seroquel (quetiapine), and that caused a lot of agitation. and I could not sleep properly which is essential in managing manic- depression illness. No one told me any of this or about any side effects from the drug itself. Stopping Abilify did not seem to produce any side effects, but having to stop Klonopin “cold turkey” was quite another experience altogether. Thank you to my HMO for playing doctor, you nearly killed me (insert sarcasm here). There is nothing to be said about that other than I slowly slipped into severe paranoia and psychosis. It was like going down the Rabbit Hole but slippery as if coated with butter or something. Usually, I can feel it happening and try to stop it. It is not the case when you have suddenly quit a long term, high dosage “habit.”

These drugs, I am convinced, are more for other people’s sanity than for mine. Basically, they keep me in check so other people won’t be bothered by me. That’s my opinion anyway. Maybe I am becoming cynical and jaded, but my brain is addicted to these chemicals that I take dutifully every morning. I was a great lab rat. Knowing that I am very “med compliant”, the dutiful doctors tried regular anti-psychotic like Haldol, they tried anti-epileptic drugs like Tegretol (huge headache, loss of balance, etc.) and Lamictal. Patients should really be aware of Lamictal’s side effects which the “rash” is the most common side effect. What they do not tell you is that you can develop Steven-Johnson‘s Disease (a rare but fatal skin disease). That you can find on your own on the Internet.

In fact, if you are curious, you can find that pamphlet that used to come with the medication that list all side effects from least severe to rare. I have often wondered why they stopping including those with one’s medication(s). Conspiracy: pharmacies are the “girl friday” of the major drug companies and the drug companies do not want the consumer to know the big picture of a particular medication. I take 2 medications that if I were not getting low income help from Medicare, I wouldn’t be taking. The combined cost for one month of these two is about $2,000. That’s twice what I receive in Disability per month. But they have been deemed necessary so medicare covers them. I only wonder how these atypical anti-psychotics are affecting my brain chemistry. That I find of more concern than the physical side effects. I already know of one effect of long time use: physical and mental addiction. But, then, I have been addicted to some substance or another for most of my life. What’s another going to do? So, I’ll go to my grave addicted. Pleasant thought. I hope everyone who is in close contact with me is appreciative of the fact that I am so compliant in taking my medications so you can be sane, and I can be a semblance of sanity.

I Need To Go Somewhere Else ~ I Shall Go Completely Mad If I Stay Here

Over Now (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I know it’s bad when I have forsaken my Alice in Chains, Pink  Floyd, and Nine Inch Nails for Marilyn Manson. I think I am slowly going mad. The Christians have a saying that God does not give more than you can handle. That’s a nice sentiment but I am Buddhist, and everything that is good in my life and everything that is bad in my life is all my own doing (or undoing, as it appears to be). I am the source of the answer and the problem, and I have no answers, just problems. I can no longer see any light at the end of the tunnel. It has gone out, or the lantern bearer is on break. I feel like I am in the boat crossing the river Styx with Charon at the helm, and he is taking us further and further down the river towards Hades and away from the light.

My soon to be ex-husband is closed up in his little room with the door shut watching his porn, and diving deeper into his fantasy life. I wish I had a fantasy life. I have always been too practical and logical to have much of an active fantasy life. To me, if it wasn’t something tangible I could touch, it didn’t exist (I know that sounds a little like Kant‘s philosophy that as soon as an object is out of sight, does it cease to exist?), if it could not be proven scientifically, I had no use for it. I do not believe is God, so that is out of the question. It would be so nice to just be able to “turn my problems over to God” and let him/her deal with the hows and the whys. But I can’t see or touch God, therefore he/she doesn’t exist in my realm. I wish I could “Let go and let God,” or whatever that bumper sticker says. But, how can one turn one’s problems over to an entity they cannot prove the existence of? That’s too much of a leap of faith for me. It requires trust in something I cannot touch, see or conceive of.

So, I am becoming increasingly stuck in my own mind which is not a good place to be right now. I cannot seem to achieve the mind-heart disconnect that I have been able to successfully complete in the past. Even though he has taken away my sense of myself as attractive and sexy which are very feminine yearnings. I had that sense once, but that part of me is under deep cover right now. I know I should be mad about that, but somehow, I have decided that everything that went wrong with this relationship is my fault. I wasn’t tolerant of his porn addiction (and it is an addiction, at this point), I did not act or do things the way he expected a wife to do. I am NOT going to clean the house in lingerie and high heels as he seems to have come to believe that “real and sexy” women do. Porn has warped his sense of gender roles and sexuality in general. And, yet he claims to know the difference between the reality of marriage and the “fantasy women.” No, he doesn’t. With addiction came the blurring of the line, just like it does with any addiction. However, I felt very disrespected, and said so on more than one occasion. He didn’t listen. Junkies do not listen to people telling them they are sick. They believe their behaviour is within the realm of the normal. I have been an addict. There is nothing normal about it. 

I cannot decide how I feel. I am decidedly not manic, nor am I particularly depressed. I am extraordinarily stressed out, and I am sad. I can tell because I am dropping weight like I was actually dieting. But, the truth is I cannot eat. I cannot sleep for more than 4 or 5 hours a night. This is going to drive me mad. Not nuts, I am already there, but completely mad. The kind you may or may not come back from in the same form you had before. There is no going back, anyway. Every experience shapes you for the better, the worse or both. This is a both situation. I have changed for the better in some ways, and for the worse in others. Like my trust factor is shot right now. I entrusted him with my heart and soul, and he broke my heart. There is nothing on this planet that I will likely experience at this point in time that will break my soul. I have already been through that, too, and lived. It took a while to pull the pieces back together, but I did it, and came out stronger.

Do You Ever Feel Like This?

The lunatics have taken over the Asylum (Photo credit: phill.d)

 

“Brain Damage” ~ Pink Floyd

 

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
got to keep the loonies on the path

The lunatic is in the hall
the lunatics are in the hall
the paper holds their folded faces to the floor
and every day the paper boy brings more

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
and if there is no room upon the hill
and if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon
The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
you raise the blade, you make the change
you rearrange me ‘ till I’m sane
you lock the door
and throw away the key
there’s someone in my head but it’s not me

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
you shout and no one seems to hear
and if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon

 

What On Earth Is Wrong With Some People? (Warning: This Post Is Very Angry And Graphic)

Federally-supported gun violence intervention program (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By now, most people in the country have heard about the horrible school shooting in Connecticut. I just cannot help but wonder (pardon my french) WTF?!?!?! An elementary school with children aged 5-9 years. This mass shooting phenomenon seems to isolated to the United States, and before anyone pulls out the old, worn out, and tired arguments of the NRA, let me say, Stop. Just Stop. Before You say something stupid like people kill people, not guns. Guess what? People with guns kill people. It is not hand to hand combat; it is some psychotic individual who has acquired a weapon either legally or illegally that is the “people” they are talking about. Sure, guns are just pieces of metal when unloaded, but loaded, they become something else altogether. Do we really want people who are psychotic and delusional to have access to these weapons? NO!!!!!

I cannot become a police officer in my city because of my Bipolar I diagnosis. The reason being is that I would not be allowed by City and, perhaps, State law to carry a firearm. That just makes rational sense. I have Bipolar I with Psychotic Tendencies as well as PTSD. People do not want people like me to be able to carry firearms. I have had psychotic episodes where I could not perceive reality as it was, I could only perceive it the way my chemically debilitated and saturated brain would allow me too. I can become violent when in these states, the PTSD does not help either. I am a paranoid person sometimes, and I break from reality during these paranoid events. There is a reason why I do not own any firearms. There is a reason why many people should not own firearms or even have access to them. Some people are mentally unbalanced, they are off their meds, they have no diagnosis and they flip out for the first time, and this is the result.

The biggest shame is that most of these mass murderers commit suicide after doing great bodily harm and emotional damage to others. They are never prosecuted for their crime against not just our society but all of humanity. So, for all you 2nd amendment supporters, just stop and think about what has happened due to your adamant campaigns to keep guns available to the public. Children, not adults that have some life lived behind them, but, children who had nothing but life ahead of them. Do NOT pull out the old, tired, erroneous, and fallacious arguments about “people kill people, guns don’t kill people.” Yes, they do. If you really have an urge to wreak some havoc, virtually any person in this country can wait the five days to get the weapon, and then proceed to use it against people. That is people killing people WITH a gun. Without the gun, people do not die. Children are not gunned down at school. And, do NOT pull out the argument about an unarmed citizenry is at a disadvantage to an armed government. Because, frankly, a hell of a lot of people do NOT own a firearm, and even if you do, do you really think you could take on the Army, the Marines, the National Guard? Militias may be great in number, but they certainly do NOT represent the average, thinking citizen. If the government wants to go after us, they will, and they will have greater firepower than any militia or group of survivalists. So, that argument holds no water. None of the NRA’s arguments hold water. How many people have to die because of gun violence before they get the point?

If you really just absolutely have to harm someone, choose a personal method so you have to look your victim in the face while you are killing him/her. Stab them, strangle them, bludgeon them with a baseball bat or a brick wrapped in a towel. Then, at least, you have had to exert yourself. And, it is personal, not the impersonal killing that comes with gun violence. You do not have to touch a person to kill with a gun, you do not have to see their face as they die, you do not feel their life slipping away (yes, I know this is morbid train of thought); you can kill people from your car shooting into a house. Just ask the people that live in the inner cities, whose children are in gangs, whose children choose an “easy” life of violence over the more difficult path of pulling one’s self up and out.

It seems that it is only when this happens in mainstream America that gun violence hits the news. Yes, it is terribly sad and horrifying how many children died, but there are people, children and teens who grow up feeling lucky to just get home from the store without getting shot by either a stray bullet or the bullet from a rival gang member’s gun. There are children being buried every day due to the accessibility to guns of all types. My city has a large gang problem, and a few years ago, a three year old girl was killed by a bullet meant for her brother who was an active gang member. They have stopped reporting gang violence here because it is simply so common that it is no longer news. But, mothers and fathers are burying their children every day around the United States because of the availability of illegal firearms, and their willingness to use them. 

Why does it take a largely middle class, (please do not take this wrong) white school shooting to bring this violence to light? What about the nameless victims that fall to gang violence every day in the inner cities, and in the barrios? Why are they not mentioned? Is it because they are poor minorities, and therefore their lives are worth less than a middle class white citizen? I used to support the 2nd amendment, and believed that an armed citizenry would protect us against our government if revolution were to happen. Now I wonder: Who is going to protect us from each other? Yes people kill people, but people kill people using guns. I just honestly have to ask WTF?