Yesterday At The Bus Stop

Negative Self-Talk

Yesterday, I was feeling very down when I woke up at 3:45 in the morning. That feeling of depression lingered throughout the morning despite the fact that I had to do something about my hair and makeup as I had to go out into that feared realm: the public. And, I do mean the Public as I have no car and rely on my feet, legs and the bus to get around town. So, there I am at the bus stop waiting for the bus so I could get to my therapist’s office which is some distance from where I live. Fortunately, my abode is centrally located next to the bus stops going North and South as well as the office of my psychiatrist which is a five minute walk across the street (so is the ER, just in case I go mad, well madder than I already am).

There were several people already at the bus stop which was a little unusual for that time of day. It was about 1:30 pm, and the general malaise had yet to lift although it was quietly being joined by mania. There we go off into mixed episode world, again. I swear I never get depressed and I never get manic, I just stay stuck and somehow balanced in the weird middle ground. Anyway, the people at the bus stop were comprised of an older gentleman named Charlie who had an impressive white beard, his wife, Stephanie, and I am assuming her son as they both spoke with accents, and Charlie did not. Charlie was also Caucasian, and I am not sure where Stephanie and her son had come from originally. As it turned out, her son had just been released from the mental hospital where I go for psych appointments and used to be a “frequent flyer” in the locked wards. The man, Charlie, spoke to me right off even though I was lost in 80’s metal land. There was something pretty nasty beneath the bench; I will not speculate on what it might have been. Charlie pointed it out, so I took out my ear buds to respond. 

My Brain Is Bouncing

Stephanie’s son picked up on the fact that I had these little ear buds, and made a point of showing me his head phones which he pointed out were much bigger than mine. As her son and I talked (I cannot for the life of me remember his name), it became clear to me that he was mentally “different” (the term illness has been talked to death over the past week). As it turned out, he suffered from Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s (?) Syndrome, was also somewhere on the Autistic spectrum, some features of Borderline Personality, and ADHD, in other words, he had a multitude of mental “differences” that rendered him quite interesting and somewhat difficult to talk to (it helped that I have ADD, and Bipolar disorder that was slowly becoming manic) so I was sort of able to follow his train of thought.

This kid/adult was so excited to have someone to talk to, he could barely contain himself. And, not just someone to talk to, but someone who understood most of what he was thinking. He told me he sees and hears things that he knows are not there but he sees them anyway. I replied that I do not see things that are not real, but I hear things I know are not real. This young man was so hyper, I almost couldn’t take it, and I was becoming manic (and have ADD). I am naturally hyper, but this young guy had me beat. As he was also on the Autistic spectrum and had Asperger’s, he became fairly fixated on two things: his headphones being bigger than mine, and his dislike of his meds which he had apparently been off of for several months. It was obvious. I told him that I take medicine too to help me feel better, but that even when I feel okay, I still take my medicine because that is what is making me feel better. I gently told him that going off your medication just because you feel better is not a good idea, because after a month or two, you will feel worse and you are back to square one and the medicine has to build up in your body to make you feel better again. Charlie quietly agreed with me, and I told him the various anti-psychotics I had tried, and that a combination of Abilify and Seroquel had finally put me in the weird middle ground that is the true nature of manic-depression (you are one and the other at the same time).

I mentioned Zyprexa and Resperdal as being some alternatives if Abilify doesn’t work and Seroquel puts you to sleep which makes it a night time medication. Charlie agreed, and asked the young man if the Abilify had worked. The answer was an emphatic no, it had not worked. I am sure that his mother and stepfather accompany him to his therapy appointments. I suggested that maybe they could see what the doc thinks about trying another atypical anti-psychotic. He had apparently been on Haldol and Thorazine for some time. Which in retrospect explains his complaining that the meds made him sleep. I have taken Haldol, and been prescribed it for aggression (when I get overstimulated, I can get aggressive), and yes, it will calm you right down, but the next thing it does is make you sleepy. Add Thorazine to that, and yes, you will sleep most of the day. 

American Homeless

What was even more curious was the man who came by stating that he knew bus stops were a good place to get spare change. I live on disability. I do not even make minimum wage for a 40 hour week. I have no “spare” change. To me, that’s currency, and I need all of it to get by. Charlie and his wife, Stephanie, replied they had no money and were about to lose their storage if they could not come up with the rent that day. They were homeless, and all of their possessions were in that storage locker. Charlie told the man that he was looking for money to save their stuff.

All of a sudden, my life shifted about 10 paradigms to the right. Here was this family with both parents using walkers and not terribly well themselves, and their mentally “different” son whose mother had cared for all of his life, and I was depressed about what exactly. The fact that my brain is chemically messed up and I have no real control over my feelings be them manic or depressive. I have a place that I can call my own. Granted, it takes more than half my monthly income to pay the rent. But, I have the knowledge that when I am done with my therapy appointment, I do not have to look for a place to sleep. My mother picked me up so I could buy some groceries; more than I could conceivably take on the bus or carry as I often do. What I do not know is where were these folks going to find food. They were truly the faces of the homeless. Not the homeless as our society thinks of the homeless as worthless drunks and addicts that are to be stepped over on the sidewalk or crossing the street when one sees a person coming and they can’t be bothered to say that they have no change, or if one does have change, to give it to the homeless person. Many times they are trying to get enough money to pay for one night in a flea-bag motel so they can sleep in a bed, and take a shower. There are those who have become homeless because of addiction, but there are also those who have become addicts because o
f their homelessness. But these people were clean, clothing intact (probably from a thrift store, but that’s where I shop), hair clean and combed. Even the ever so excited young man was clean with clean clothes, hair brushed. They were clearly not society’s picture of the homeless, but they do represent a good portion of people who have found themselves losing their jobs, then their savings, then their homes. 

Homeless Women and Children

“Oddly” enough, my mood shifted. I no longer felt sorry for myself but rather hope that this family could save their storage locker, and hang onto their stuff for another month. Who knows, they may have been living there. That locker could have been “home” as there are a number of rescue missions that provide showers and other types of personal care. I have a friend whose dad (now deceased, too bad because he was a character) lived in his RV which he parked every night at his storage locker.

It is amazing how a random encounter with three people when you are feeling low and socially stunted can transform your day and your world. I am a practitioner of Nichiren Buddhism and we hold that all people are deserving of compassion,

Buddha

respect and fundamental dignity. We believe that all people no matter what walk of life they may come from all have the heart of the Buddha (we just forgot, and have to find it again), therefore when speaking with people, you try to tap your own inner Buddha so that your heart meets theirs, and a dialogue between Buddhas occurs whether the other party knows it or not. I generally wear my ear buds with my music cranked up loud so I can ignore the over-stimulation that can be public transit, but something about this family really made me tap that inner Buddha. It is not that we had anything truly in common except that both their son and I struggle with mental issues. They just seemed like good people in a bad circumstance, and doing what they could to make the best of it and care for the young man (who is going to need life-long mental care). The bus arrived before any of us realized it. I do not believe in random encounters. I was meant to be on that bus, that day, at that time so I could meet these people so they could help heal me in a small way, and I could help heal them in a small way.

Effects Of Bullying

I am an effect of bullying. I experienced during school and after school bullying from the time I was about 7 to the age of 16. This bullying occurred in one form or another at every school I attended from grammar school through high school. The consequences of said bullying have lasted well into my adult years. I have trouble trusting another’s intentions, I feel that people are out to hurt me for no logical reason, I suffer panic attacks and fear when in a group of people I do not know, and, consequently, I have very few friends among other effects. Following is some information I found at www.stopbullying.gov . I find it disturbing that the trend has grown to such a proportion that there is actually a governmental website devoted to the subject. When I was experiencing bullying growing up it was literally thought of as something to be endured and wasn’t very important in terms of mental and physical health. While reading some of the material I located, I was mildly surprised to find myself thinking back to those days, and identifying with much of what had been written.

Bullying Definition

Bullying is “unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or a perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.”

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

• An imbalance of power: Kids who bully use their power ~ such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity ~ to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone verbally or physically, and excluding someone from a group on purpose. (I have experienced all of these at some point in time).

Types Of Bullying

• Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
  • Teasing
  • Name-calling
  • Inappropriate sexual comments
  • Taunting
  • Threatening to cause harm
• Social bullying, sometimes called relational bullying, involves:
  • Leaving someone out on purpose
  • Telling other children not to be friends with someone
  • Spreading rumors about someone
  • Embarrassing someone in public
• Physical bullying involves hurting a person or possessions including:
  • Hitting/kicking/pinching
  • Spitting
  • Tripping/pushing
  • Taking or breaking a person’s things
  • Making mean or rude hand gestures

Where And When Bullying Happens

It can occur either during or after school hours. While most reported bullying occurs within the school building, a significant portion occurs in places like the playground or on the bus. It happens on the way to or from school, in the neighborhood, or (now) on the Internet.

Frequency Of Bullying

There are two sources of federally collected data on youth bullying:

• The 2011 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (the CDC) indicates that, nationwide, about 20% of students grades 9-12 experienced bullying.
• The 2008-2009 School Crime Supplement (National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice Statistics) found that, nationwide, about 28% of students grades 6-12 experienced bullying.

On average, that is approximately %25 of kids aged 11-17 that have reported bullying. I would like to emphasize the word “reported”. These statistics are a) out of date, and b) the students who have reported bullying, and does not include those who do not tell anyone. That means that, in reality, the number of students being bullied may be higher, and I suspect it is. A number of students may not report bullying for fear of retaliation or simply out of shame. These students are not captured by these studies.

Effects Of Bullying

The effects of bullying both by those being bullied and those who bully others have been linked to many negative outcomes including but not limited to impacts on mental and physical health, substance use and abuse, and suicide. An interesting study conducted by the National Institute for Mental Health highlights some of the long lasting effects of bullying. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-news/2013/bullying-exerts-psychiatric-effects-into-adulthood.shtml

Kids Who Are Bullied

Students who experience bullying at school, after school, in their neighborhoods, or by technological means such as the Internet or texts on their phones are more likely to experience:

• Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy or anhedonia, and I would add low self-esteem and self-worth.
• Health complaints such as frequent headaches and stomachaches, or being too sick to go to school
• Decreased academic achievement and school participation. They are more likely to miss, skip or drop out of school.

A very small proportion of students who are bullied may react in extremely violent ways. In 12 of 15 school shootings in the 1990’s, the shooters had a history of being bullied.

Kids Who Bully Others

Students who are bullies can also continue to engage in violent and other risky behaviors into adulthood. They are more likely to:

• Abuse alcohol and other drugs in adolescence and into adulthood
• Get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school
• Engage in early sexual activity (the same could be said for the kids being bullied as a way of “belonging”)
• Have criminal records and traffic citations as adults
• Be abusive in romantic or intimate relationships as adults

Bystanders

Children who witness bullying tend to be more likely to:

• Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs
• Have increased mental health problems, including depression and anxiety
• Miss or skip school

The Relationship Between Bullying And Suicide

The media often link suicide and bullying. However, most kids that are experiencing bullying do not have thoughts of suicide or engage in suicidal behavior.

Although they are at risk of suicide, other factors must be considered. Depression, problems at home and a history of trauma tend to be better indicators than bullying alone or when combined with bullying. Additionally, specific groups are more at risk for suicide, including American Indian and Alaskan Native, Asian American, and LCBT youth. The risk is highest when these groups of students are not supported by family, peer groups and schools. Bullying simply makes the problem worse.

Warning Signs And Risk Factors

There are many warning signs that a child is being affected by bullying ~ either being bullied or bullying others. Recognizing these warning signs is often the first step in stopping the behavior. Since not all children will report problems with bullying, it is important to talk to kids who are displaying symptoms. Talking to kids can help identify the root of the problem.

Signs A Child Is Being Bullied

First of all, look for changes in the child’s behavior, but also be aware that not all kids will display warning signs. The warning signs include:

• Unexplainable injuries
• Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry
• Frequent headaches, stomach aches, feeling ill, or faking illness
• Changes in eating habits ~ not eating, or binge eating
• Difficulty sleeping, sleeping too much, or frequent nightmares
• Declining grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or not wanting to go to school
• A sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations
• Feeling helpless or decreased self-esteem/self-worth
• Self-destructive behaviors ~ running away, harming themselves, or suicidal ideation or talking about suicide

If you notice these any of these warning signs, do not ignore them. Get help right away.

Signs A Child Is Bullying Others

• Getting into physical and/or verbal fights
• Having friends who bully others
• Are increasingly aggressive
• Are frequently in trouble at school ~ detention and/or being called to principal’s office
• Having unexplained extra money or new belongings
• Blaming others for their problems
• Will not accept responsibility for their actions
• Are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity

Why Children Don’t Ask For Help

Statistics from the 2008-2009 School Crime Supplement (see above for reporting agencies) show that only about 1 out of 3 bullying cases is reported to an adult. There are many reasons why kids don’t talk:

• Kids want to handle it on their own in order to regain a sense of control or they may fear being seen as weak or a “tattle-tale”
• They may fear backlash from their bullies (this is a very real concern)
• Bullying is a humiliating experience, and kids may not want adults to know what is happening. They also may fear being punished and/or judged for being “weak”
• They already feel socially isolated and like nobody can or will understand
• Kids may fear being rejected by their peers; friends can help protect kids from being bullied and they do not want to lose this protection

Risk Factors

There is no single variable that puts one child at risk for bullying over another. It is a complex mixture of environment, group identification, and others. In general, kids who are at risk of being bullied have one or more of the following:

• Are perceived as different than their peers such as being over or underweight, not having the latest cool toy or clothes, being new to school among others
• Are perceived as weak and unable to defend themselves
• Are depressed, nervous or anxious, and/or have low self-esteem
• Are less popular than others and have few friends, are socially isolated
• Do not get along well with other kids, are perceived as annoying or provoking

These are only indicators that a child may be bullied. They may or may not experience bullying as a result of these risk factors.

Children More Likely To Bully Others

In general, there are two types of kids who bully others ~ some are well connected to their peers, have social power, or like to dominate others, and some are isolated from their peer group and may be depressed (in children, depression can be expressed as aggression) or anxious, be less involved in school, or not identify with the feelings of others. They also have other existing factors such as:

• Aggressive or easily frustrated
• Have less parental involvement or problems at home
• Have difficulty following rules
• View violence in a positive light
• Have friends who are bullies

Remember that bullies do not need to be bigger or stronger than those they bully. The ability to bully others comes from a real or perceived power imbalance which can come from a number of sources: popularity, strength, cognitive ability, etc. Children who bully also may have a combination of these factors.

Who Is At Risk?

Bullying can happen anywhere, but depending on the environment, some groups of kids may be more at risk. No single factor puts a student or child at risk for bullying or for being bullied by others. The behavior can happen anywhere ~ cities, suburbs, and rural towns. What does seem to increase risk is the environment and/or belonging to certain groups such as ~ LGBT youth, disabled (mentally or developmentally) youth, and socially isolated youth. Recognizing the many warning signs that a child is bullying others or is being bullied is often the first step in taking action against bullying. Not all children will report being bullied or that they themselves are bullying others. Bullying affects everyone involved. There are many negative outcomes of being bullied, being the one doing the bullying, or simply observing bullying behavior. These outcomes may include depression, anxiety issues, substance abuse and suicide. This is why it is important to monitor kids, and ask them if bullying or something else is wrong.

 

Bouncing Brain ~ The World Looks Different Through The Lens Of Insomnia

A Love Hate Masquerade (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am tired of so many things……something has got to give and it better not be me. I just wish the world would wake up one morning and realize that while we all may hold different beliefs, lead different lifestyles, eat different food, pray to different divine beings/powers, we are all the same at the core. We all desire to be loved and happy and have friends and a sense of belonging somewhere. We all love our families and our children, and would do anything to keep them out of harm’s way. But, no, people have to be petty and put a stop to any disagreement within their ranks, sometimes with deadly, militaristic force. That’s not going to solve anything in the long run except to determine who had the better weapons and who had the better allies. I find it all frighteningly petty.

There is so much more that people could be doing than having to fight their own governments while their governments hang onto their power by using chemical agents on their own people. Even we have done it. Look at the guys who came back from Desert Storm and started showing up at clinics with mysterious ailments. There are times when I get so discouraged that anything will change because that’s just the “way it has been.” Well, why can it not be “that’s the way it was?” I think I need sleep tonight. My brain is starting to bounce, and I am starting to think aloud and on “paper,” so to speak.

I would love to set up a world-wide contest of sorts to see who could create a country with a government that not only worked, but worked for its citizens, and where diversity was completely embraced as being part of life because no matter how much you stomp your feet and scream and cry, people are going to be different than one another. Accept it, embrace it, get over it.

I am just so extraordinarily pissed off today. About everything. I just do not understand why people hurt the people they purport to love like the air they breathe. I do not understand why people form exclusive little groups and if you don’t belong, then you might as well cease to live. That is what bullying is all about. And, on the subject of bullying, does it seem more prevalent today than when you were in school (provided you have graduated college by now)? I mean, the kids can’t even escape it at home. In my day, you were bullied at school and maybe a little bit by crank phone calls. Now, these kids have iPads, smartphones, they are on the Internet for as many hours as we used to watch cartoons. They can’t escape it. It is insidious and everywhere. Why are 12 year olds committing suicide? What can be so bad in a 12 year long life that rather than struggle through it, they choose to take their lives? I wonder, because I was that kid. You know, the one that was slightly off, but you couldn’t put a finger on it. I was harassed from grade school until I left high school, and yes, I did try several times to take my life. But, I couldn’t do it. Something has kept me alive for many years for some reason that I have not figured out yet. I should be dead. I should not be sitting here letting my mind dance over the million thoughts I have in one minute of an average person’s life. I hate having Bipolar and I hate having ADD, and I hate being anxious so much of the time and I really hate the paranoia that comes with all of them, especially the bipolar and the PTSD which I hate also primarily because of the way I came to develop it. I just really do not like much of anything today. I fell off the sine wave.

Death By Suicide: An Interpersonal-Psychological Theory Part One (warning: potentially triggering)

English: Image for mental health stubs, uses two psych images – psychiatry (medicine) and psychology (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Way Out, or Suicidal Ideation: George Grie, 2007. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For a long time, I have wondered why I and some friends (including my ex fiance’s sister’s completed suicide) of mine have attempted suicide either once or several times. When a good friend of mine attempted suicide about 20 years ago, when she was finally able to talk again (she swallowed a cocktail of pills), she said she had been drinking and it had finally hit her that this guy she was head over heels for was never going to let go of his feelings for his ex-girlfriend. So, she almost lost her life over some guy. I, myself, have a few attempts under my belt, but mine usually seem to be without reason. At least no good reason I have been able to come up with. My ex-fiance’s sister successfully committed suicide at the age of about 36, and about one month after her birthday. She, too, had a history of mental illness and suicide attempts. Please note that this post does NOT mean that I am suicidal. 

I am simply interested in the “whys” of attempted and completed suicides. What are the specific set of circumstances that have to be present for someone to consider taking their own life? Why are we the only creature in the animal kingdom that does commit suicide? I have been interested in this for most of my life. For example, using myself, I have probably attempted suicide about 5 times, maybe 4. I was always a pill popper as I cannot abide the idea of cutting my wrists or using a gun. Too painful and too messy. However, each time I tried and was really set to die, I would call 911. Why would I do that? Maybe it was an effort to garner attention, or maybe I really did mean to die but failed because my desire to live was stronger, or maybe it was my way of saying I need help (I never have had an easy time asking for help even when I clearly need it). 

So, after much research recently and over the years, I have finally found a complex but simple theory that I feel is a valid theoretical explanation as to how a person could overcome the self-preservation instinct and also what conditions need to be present to induce someone to think of killing themselves. It is called the “Interpersonal-Psychological Theory of Suicidal Behavior” by Thomas Joiner, PhD. He specializes in the research of the psychology, neurobiology and treatment of suicidal behaviors and other conditions. He was recently awarded the Shieldman Award by the American Association of Suicidology for excellence in the field of suicide as well as the Guggenheim fellowship. 

This is going to be part one which will introduce the theorist, and the premise of the theory. Part two will discuss the theory itself, it’s parts and conclusions.

The Interpersonal-Psychological Theory of Suicidal Behavior

The basic questions that this theory asks are: 1) What is the desire for suicide, and what types of thinking lead to suicidal ideation? And, 2) What is the ability to die by suicide, and in whom and how does it develop? 

Question one: “The Interpersonal-Psychological Theory” asserts that when people hold two very specific mind states for an extended period of time, they will develop a desire to die. These two states, which I will go into in part two of the post, are “perceived burdensomeness” and “low sense of belongingness/social isolation.” Both of these must be present to come to the desire to die by suicide or suicidal ideation.

Question two: “The Interpersonal-Psychological Theory” states that, in general, the self preservation instinct is so powerful that very few people can overcome it by force of will. The few that have been able to cross that barrier have developed a lack of fear of pain, injury, and death through repeated exposure to painful and/or provocative events. These experiences often include previous self-injury, but can also include repeated accidental injuries, numerous physical fights; and occupations such as a physician or a front-line soldier in which repeated exposure to pain and injury is common either vicariously or directly.

What are the current empirical data for this conceptualization? Some of it is indirect although a growing body of empirical support is accruing. 

So, those are the basic questions this theory seeks to answer, and having been suicidal in the past, it has a strong resonance because this theory explains exactly where my head was at at the time of the attempt. I will go further into the parts and empirical support and conclusions in part Two.

 

Marriage Counseling Round 2

Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night. Oil on canvas, 73×92 cm, 28¾×36¼ in. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

So, here we go again. Another fateful trip on the counseling merry-go-round. I really hope that the Psychologist is bright enough to cut through the husband’s bullshit. He keeps telling the doctor that I was at an all time low when he met me. He makes it sound like he gave me a life that was not unfulfilling and dull.

 

I liked my life. I was up at 4 or 5 am, and by 8 am, I was on my bike, heading somewhere for two or three hours. I rode with a close friend (and his brother or nephew, sometimes) every Sunday morning. We’re talking 40 mile treks through the urban jungle complete with smoke belching dragons (aka cars). In the summer, after I got back from riding I would rinse off and go hang out by the pool at the apartments. I’d talk to people, some of us became friends. I dated, I went out with friends. But, somehow the egocentrism he is accusing me of (you only care about your illness, ummmmmm, correct me if I am wrong, but shouldn’t I be somewhat concerned about it, you only care about your cat, well, maybe if you hadn’t made me kill the other two, I wouldn‘t have such a clingy cat;the others were her brother, and surrogate mom, and the last thing I care about is myself).

 

Maybe if he were more affectionate and supportive instead of being “constructively” critical the majority of the time, I wouldn’t feel the need to be so vigilant about my own well-being. I would know someone was there to help me if I fell. He is not about that. I have to pick myself up and he calls it being egotistical. Maybe if he would actually bother to learn something scientifically researched and published by M.D.’s, P.hD’s, people who have spent their lives researching and treating Bipolar people, and not just relying on some rather unfortunate experiences he had with one who also was Boderline (bad combo), and one who promised him that she had it under control What a fallacy! Bipolar is never “under control”; it is managed with proper medication, seeing a therapist as often as needed and making regular appointments with you psychiatrist. 

 

I told him when I found out what the one woman had told him that I was offering him no guarantees. My bipolar was managed, but that I would never promise that it was under control. And, I was right. I went through episodes of depression, mania, depression and mania, and outright violent moods. I just wish he would educate himself because that would take so much pressure off of me to be “normal” all the time. I can’t cry because that is showing weakness. I cannot be angry, happy, sad, joyous, any emotion because it isn’t “real”. It is the illness. It really does seem to me that that is the way he sees me: as nothing more than a mentally ill person who always needs help, and can’t see herself any other way. I know what I see in the mirror when I am looking: I see a determined person, I see a person who has goals and dreams and the ambition to realize them, I do NOT see a weakling (as he would have me be).

 

So, I have to question, if I am so many negative things, why’d he even bother looking for me last night? I am pretty good at handling myself, not to mention that I tend to wear Harley hard toed riding boots. That alone could break something if necessary. If I am to be so denigrated in the therapy sessions, why would want to go find that? Are you trying to say I Love You? Why can you not just tell me if you love me or if you don’t? If you don’t, let me go. Let me live. If you do love me, stop disparaging me, and let me live.

 

But then again, I am the one who could be filtering all of this through a “defective” mind……but I do not think so.

 

“……Making love to his ego, Ziggy sucked up into his mind…” ~ David Bowie

 

Found This Posted On My Facebook Timeline This AM

I wish that more people could remember this; myself included. Sometimes it pays to just keep your mouth shut and your thoughts to yourself.

Alone Together

How is it possible to be completely alone yet together with somone at the same time? It is, for me, a long time unanswered question.

 

I have always been alone together. I grew up alone with a sibling, parents, friends, but I was still alone together.

 

I have been in long-term relationships, engaged and married, yet still alone together.

 

Is there something about people now that they are themselves alone together? Is that why I feel such a void? Is it the way our society has gone? Or is it just certain people just can’t be together with another? 

 

Are some people just meant to be alone yet seeking togetherness such that we end up alone but not alone and lonely in a crowd?

 

Perhaps.

 

I Am Giving Up….. I Admit Defeat, I Have Failed

English: Angelina Jolie at the Cannes Film festival (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

His last girlfriend was a bipolar as well, but he met her when she was manic and at her most charming. I was neither manic nor depressed when he met me. I was surfing a gentle sine wave. I was riding my bike every day, swimming in the pool for the rest of the afternoon, I had a life that I had carved out for myself with a lot of hard work and introspection. I had friends. Good friends that I now do not have. I do not know if this is the illness biting me in the ass, or if her has me so isolated from every one that people just stopped coming around.

He judges me on a daily basis. Because he is arrogant enough to point out that women/girls in big cities take the time to fix their hair just so, and make their lips look like Angelina Jolie after a collagen injection. I do not want to look like that. I want to look like me, just enhanced. I do not want to look like Mick Jagger. But, he says that is what turns him on (thank you Internet porn for warping my husband.) It didn’t used to be an issue. But, I still continue to be held to standards of female beauty that I just do not agree with. I have achieved a compromise with the all important lip liner. I just have to say that if he expects me to try to turn him on, he needs to bathe more than once a month. Why should I bother trying to be a porno slut if he can’t even keep his hygiene under control? That turns me off, completely.

I have hit the point where I really do not care if I turn him on or not. I am comfortable with the way I look. At the risk  of sounding vain, I am not an unattractive woman. I know for a fact that I am beautiful. Both inside and out. Besides, having sex with him after nearly three months is going to feel like a one night stand. He’ll get up and go sleep on the couch, and I will fall asleep in the bed. It has been this way for months. He just refuses to sleep in the same bed with me. Oh well, benefit for me. I have less back pain than I did before  🙂 I can just feel my self losing faith in what is supposed to be a partnership, and a loving marriage. Granted, I can understand his position. He has inherited my anger and volatile temper along with a whole lot of hurt from life, in general. And, yes, I do lash out at him even though he has nothing to do with past issues, but the Internet Porn is all his doing. That is something he has done all on his own, and it has changed him from the man I used to know. He continues to view it for hours on end even though he knows that it hurts me and that I do not like it.

What happened to quid pro qou? He gives up some of the time he spends with the porn sluts, and keeps his hygiene up, and he might see a change in my attitude. but, as it stands now, nothing is going to change. i cannot change him, I can only change myself. And, he may not like that new self.  I am half inclined to go with my mom today to file divorce papers today. I have rarely admitted defeat before I try to succeed, but this marriage seems hopeless. I am the only one who has to change, I am the only one causing problems between us (ummm, hello, hours on the Internet looking at other naked women, and watching them do anything; that one’s on him.) It just isn’t going to work between us. He is a big city guy stuck in a Southwestern “town” (never mind that there are 750,000 people living here.) I am never going to be able to be what he has decided he likes women to look like. I am who I am, and I am what I am. I have no apologies for that, I do not regret anything that I have done or has transpired to make me who I am. What I think is sad is that none of this had to happen. He could have stopped the porn stuff, and he could have been less adamant that I look like a big city girl. I am not from a big city, and therefore, I do take care with my makeup, but I have never had anyone with such an adamant and unwavering attitude that I must look like the big city women. I am fine with the way I look. Other men seem appreciative. He’s the only one who is dissatisfied with the way I look. And that argument is part of a larger whole of dysfunction in this relationship. it really isn’t about lipliner, it is about appreciation, and he might get what he wants if he would just bathe more often. This whole argument is about two people not wanting to do what it takes to make this work.

I am not the only one who has to change, he has his own issues that he should be working on, not focusing on my mental health issues. He says that I spend all my time thinking about my “illness,” I can guarantee you that he spends far more time on it than I do. Having Bipolar Disorder has just become part of my life; he’s the one who is hung up on it, and mentions nearly every day. And using lip liner is not going to help. As I said before, why should I bother when his basic hygiene is so bad? Why should I turn myself into one of his “fantasy” women if he won’t keep himself clean? I am giving up. I admit defeat. I admit that this failed because I was too defensive, too abrasive, and not enough of a whole lot of other things. I just cannot do this anymore. This argument is about respect, and compassion/appreciation for the other party. I have tried. I have failed.

Another Rant About The Social Stigma Of Mental Illness

Social Stigma (Photo credit: sea turtle)

What’s on my mind? Hmmm….. maybe wishing that society would wake up and realize that mental health issues are real and are just like physical health issues. I get so sick of the stigma surrounding mental health. I have a chart that is 3 inches thick with observations, prescriptions, and other related notes. I have no problem with that. I have Bipolar Disorder, I have PTSD, I have panic attacks, I have days when I cannot leave my house. Has it limited my life? Yes, in some ways, but in others, it has caused me to take a good look at what is important to me, it has caused me to get help, and work on the issues that I have that prevent me from being truly and indestructibly happy.

Having Manic Depression has led me from one extreme to another, but that is okay as long as I learn from it. I have found a spiritual stronghold in Nichiren Buddhism because I have Manic Depression. I don’t view it as stigmatizing, I view it as a daily challenge to be overcome. People do not get all weird if you have a heart condition, so what the hell is it about mental health that everyone shies away from? You cannot be truly healthy unless you treat the body, the soul, and the mind.

If everyone in this country would take a look at the DSM (the manual used to diagnose mental illnesses) and realize that it is about 3 inches thick, that means there are a lot of people out there with mental issues. So what is the big deal? Get treatment, get better, get as well as you can, and just live your life. Don’t use it as an excuse to act out and harm others and/or yourself. Recognize that it is a facet of who you are, and treat it. Treat it with your body, your mind, and your soul. Find a good therapist that specializes in your illness, find a good psychiatrist for medication if necessary, and by all means, find a spiritual path that will ground you and balance you. And if you do not have access to private care, apply for public assistance. Help is out there, you just have to seek it out sometimes. It sure as hell isn’t going to come to you because people want to believe in a Utopian society where everything is just so. Don’t rock the boat, maintain the status quo, and above all, do not be mentally different (insert sarcasm here).

I just get so frustrated with society’s reaction to mental health, because I just do not get it. A person is not defined by their mental or physical health, they are defined by how they treat others, how they respect other people, and by their compassion for others. People do not say, “I am diabetes,” they say “I have diabetes,” or whatever it is. I am not defined by Manic Depression. It is one facet of who I am,yes, but it is not all that I am. Not by a long shot.

So, people, it is time that the stigma associated with mental illness stops. It prevents people from getting treatment, it prevents proper diagnoses, it prevents them from living as normally as they are able.

Sorry for the tirade, but the reports are coming in that the man who is responsible for the atrocious acts of yesterday morning possibly “has” a personality disorder. Of course it would have to be a mental health issue because no “sane” person would have done that. And, that is probably true, but the first thing they talk about is mental status. And, all that does is continue the stigma which prevents people from seeking treatment because they do not want to be labeled as crazy. I have a 3 inch chart that proves I am nuts. I do not care. I have been weird since birth.

So, I and many others are “different,” big deal. As long as you can see how your behavior affects those around you, and those who care about you, and learn from trying to put yourself in the role of the “other,” what is the problem with being a bit off?   Just do NOT use it as an excuse. View it for what it is, and that is a challenge to be the best strange person you can be. People, even mentally ill people, are worthy of respect, compassion, and the right to be treated humanely. 

I Just Want A Normal Life

I am tired

Lost Maples Flaming Tree (Photo credit: Visualist Images)

of the ups and downs. It seems like there are more downs recently. I have been through too many of these. I do not feel like I have any support network. My father had effectively removed himself from my life (I no longer receive birthday or christmas cards from him, that pretty much tells me he wants nothing to do with me), my mother has moved away from me again although I think it is her husband that has encouraged this. So, I have lost her. And now my husband is internet bound for days and nights on end. What is really ironically funny is that he told me the other night that  I can come to him with my problems, and then this morning went off on me because I couldn’t get his internet to hook up to our network. How am I supposed to feel comfortable telling him that I am suicidal, probably need hospitalization (the last time I asked him to take me to the hospital, he flipped out on me and began to yell at me). so, he’s a no go despite what he claims. Words are very different than actions, and I do not trust him to give a shit. All he cares about is his internet porn.

 I have hit the end of my very frayed rope. There is no way out of this. Well, there is, but I do not think I want to there. It is tempting though. Just going to sleep and not waking up. Seems kind of appealing, but I cannot go there nor can I tell anyone because they will call the police. i am fucked. I can’t seem to shake this funk, and it was highly exacerbated this morning by getting yelled ant and attacked verbally by my own husband. I think I need out of this relationship. He, however will not grant me a divorce. 

I am hurting and my chest feels constricted and mt heart has been broken by words not sincerely offered. I wish I could just be numb.