I Seem To Be More Agitated Than I Thought (Damn Mixed Episode) ~ Warning: Profanity

So, I have been experiencing the dreaded “mixed” episode for about a month now. This one has been particularly bad. The last one I had that even comes close was 8 years ago. The main problem with the mixed episode is that you cannot medicate yourself out of it the same way that you can a psychotic or manic episode. Depressive episodes are a category all their own. I would gladly give a body part for this to go away. The main problem with the mixed episode is that you are stuck between mania and depression. Your sleep habits change, your eating habits change, your whole structured life is ruined; this helps the mania, but does little for the depression.

I am freaking annoyed and pissed off at people for no other reason than that they cannot seem to understand that I am trying as hard as I can just to survive this. Another one of my little tells that let me know where I am on the Richter scale: Am I listening to Alice in Chains? And…….wait for it……wait for it…….the answer is yes. My absolute all-time favorite I am pissed off at the world so I am going to listen to songs that are as angry as I am. Yes, I realize this is childish. But, so is contemplating the amount of medication I have at my disposal. No, I am not suicidal, so do not get your panties in a bunch. I am just exceedingly tired of feeling like this. I am tired of presenting the happy face to the world. I am tired of pretending that I am not really that sick so people will leave me alone, I am just tired. What a cliche ~ I am sick and tired. Except it is true. I am sick. I am tired. It takes a lot energy to appear as if you are in remission (because it never really goes away, now, does it?) or at least to appear to be functioning, and that you do not mind that everything about your life is fucked.

Yeah, I can pretty cheerfully say, “Oh, I really do not mind having no car in a city where public transportation is a joke” or “No, I don’t mind hauling 50 pounds of food on foot one mile to my apartment” and “No, I really don’t mind living on $6.00 an hour”. I can easily and believably say all this bullshit, because that is what it is. Bullshit comes easy to me. If I can make the head of Children’s Psychiatric services at the University Hospital here believe that I am okay and that I don’t need to see him anymore, and then turn around two weeks later and try to kill myself (I was 16, and it was my first serious attempt), then I can make anybody believe anything. This guy was supposed to be a professional. I also had convinced that I didn’t do drugs as I sat stoned in his office. Am I that good, or was he just that stupid?I think, personally, he was just that stupid, because I sure as hell am not that good. 

And, I am tired and absolutely sick of people telling me I need to get a car, and a job. Well, people, if I had a normal fucking brain like the rest of the sheep on this planet who want nothing more than a 9 to 5 job, a house, 2.5 kids, and a dog, then maybe I wouldn’t get fired from every job I have ever held. I have been fired from a Temp agency. How the fuck do you accomplish that? How many people do you know that have been fired not just from the temp assignment, but from the agency itself? I mean, that takes skill. Serious skill.

How many people can honestly believe that I do not want to work? I have taken to talking to myself just to keep myself from going absolutely insane as opposed to the semi-sane state that I am currently in. Why can’t people see that? What is it that makes the people in my life so fucking blind that they can’t see that I am pretending to be well? I am not well. I am manic, I am depressed. Come on people, I don’t sense things the same way you do. My perception of emotion is fucked up. I don’t just have a bad day, I have bad years. I don’t have good days. I rise to heights that would scare tightrope walkers and I spend weeks there. And, somebody wants to employ that combination? What the fuck planet are you from? I do not even want to live that combination, but here I am, living it as successfully as I know how. Fuck you all…….get back to me when I am well…..or maybe when you are not operating under some delusion that I am just like everyone else. Everyone else does not see the world through a chemical cocktail designed to keep you as level as possible. Everyone else does not have wild, unpredictable mood swings. Everyone else is not addicted to anti-anxiety drugs that you take just to get through the day without having some form of panic attack. Everyone else is not on anti-psychotics that are supposed to keep you grounded to this planet, and wreak havoc on your body.

Come on, you fucking normal people, try to get a clue about the different people in this world and your life. I am sick of fucking “normal” people telling me what to do. Just because I look “normal” with my painted nails, made-up face, straightened hair, and well thought out clothing choices does not mean that I am anywhere near freaking “normal”. I am just a well-groomed freak. I am a well-groomed waste of space. But, at least I am well-groomed. That’s not even funny. Talk to me about being “normal” when the voices in my head have stopped talking, and my moods are not on a see-saw. I do not even know where I am going to be on the scale from moment to moment, let alone for my whole life. Yeah, I am fucking employable. At least, I don’t have any more monkeys on my back. That may be the only healthy thing about me right now. Please get a clue, step outside for a minute and realize that I am pretending to be okay. I am most definitely not okay. Far from it.  But, I will be. I always am. Because I have to be. I apparently have no choice.

 

7 Annoying Things People Tell Bipolars (And why they hurt)

Reblogged from The Bipolarized: I found this on my bloggie friend Brad’s blog, and when I read it, I could relate to every single thing the author pointed out. My personal favorites: “Can’t you just control your moods?” (No, I can’t. I have never been able too. Don’t you think I would if I could), and I am assuming this one to be apropos to a depressive episode: “Just suck it up and be a man.” or my version “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. There are worse things in life!” (Ummmm, no, there really aren’t. My depression trumps all other world problems, and I cannot just get up and pretend everything is hunky-dory because my brain chemistry says it is time to be depressed. What about faulty wiring do you not get? I am not like you). Oh, and my other favorite: “Are you taking your meds?” (NO, No, I am not……duh, I must be taking them if I am functioning. It is pretty obvious when a mentally interesting person goes off their meds. It is really obvious in some cases, and more subtle in others, but you can tell that the individual is not acting “right.” Of course I am taking my meds, I am gaining weight and my teeth are falling out. What more evidence do you want?). So, for all you Bipolars out there who have heard any one of these things, this is a great post!

7 Annoying Things People Tell Bipolars (And why they hurt).

 

It Is A Beautiful Fall Day Here…..

Bipolar Affective Disorder (Photo credit: tamahaji)

 

so why do I not feel excited about it? I could have gone bicycling, taken a walk, something to be able to experience this beautiful fall day. But, I chose to stay inside, doing nothing of any importance, and trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am going to have to start the whole relationship/dating thing all over in my 40’s. I thought it was bad enough in my 20’s. Now, I have been diagnosed as Bipolar, with PTSD, and associated anxiety issues, and ADD. So, I will have to find a man that is not an alcoholic/drug addict, or trying to relive the 80’s, lives at home (although there are exceptions), does not want to have to do any research on Bipolar disorder, and will love me just the way I am. I am approaching 43; I am pretty set in the way I do some things, and you won’t get me to change (a mistake my ex made), So, I figure I have already ruled out about 98% of the eligible male population in my age range where I live. I think I’ll just be that weird cat lady that everyone talks about but never talks to. 

 

I really want a different diagnosis. Because it does come up. I do not think it fair to not tell a person that I am serious about who is serious about me that I have Bipolar disorder. See them run screaming for the door, next please…. I think i am just depressed a little bit. Yuck, I hate feeling icky. 

 

What Exactly Is Bipolar Disorder? Part Three

This is my summation of my research, and some personal opinions gleaned from a lifetime of mental illness:

Part Three:

Due to the length of this treatise, I am skipping the different types of psychotherapy and just saying that your therapist and your psychiatrist should communicate and be on the same page. As for the patient. Complying with treatment including psychotherapy is key to recovery or management, whichever you prefer. Also, if you are going through a tough life event, it is a good time to talk to your doctors about your medication needs and you therapy needs. You may need to add a medication or increase you already take, and you may need to see your therapist more frequently until you feel that you are safe, and can handle the situation.

In closing, Bipolar Disorder in all its various forms, manifestations and severity of symptoms is a rollercoaster ride. I tend to compare calm times to being on a long frequency sine wave where you rock gently through the ups and downs, and episodes both depressed and manic as being on the Richter scale. Then you are like an earthquake, and you never know what devastation you will leave in your wake. Hopefully, you never go higher than a 2.0 earthquake because then real damage can be done. Having Bipolar Disorder, in my opinion, requires a level of inner strength that is difficult to achieve because you will lose friends, you will lose husbands and wives, lovers and partners, jobs, and a sense of who you once were. You will question your self-worth, and your worth to other people. It is a devastating disease. It takes and takes, but will never give back. That you have to learn how to do on your own. It is a very needy disease that wears out everyone including the afflicted person. Even if you have the best doctors, and you have the disorder mostly managed, it is usually at a great cost to a lot of people including you. It can be a very lonely illness. But, this is not to say that it is a hopeless situation. You can manage it, you can find friends who will understand or will be willing to learn about it, you can find partners that are understanding that it’s not you that is acting out of sorts, it is the disorder. It is possible to rebuild your life with sympathetic people who will be there when you really need them, and they will understand that you are going through a rough patch, and need help. So, all is not lost as I once thought, and I would imagine other people have felt upon being diagnosed. If you choose to educate yourself about the whole thing, medication, therapy, mood swings, etc. you will know what you are fighting, and you can get the better of it.

 

What Exactly Is Bipolar Disorder? Part Two

This section covers diagnosis and treatments:

Part Two:

Diagnosis

Bipolar disorder operates on a spectrum that includes four types. To be diagnosed with any form of Bipolar disorder, one must meet the criteria set out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder (the DSM).

1. Bipolar I Disorder ~ defined by manic or mixed episodes that last for more than a week, or by manic symptoms so severe hospitalization is required. There is usually a depressive episode lasting longer than 2 weeks. This is the “classic” form of the illness
2. Bipolar II Disorder ~ characterized by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but no full-blown manic or mixed episodes.
3. Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (BP-NOS) ~ used when symptoms of  Type I or Type II are not present, but the behavior is clearly not within the normal range for that person.
4. Cyclothymic Disorder, or Cyclothymia ~ a mild form of Bipolar Disorder (there has been some talk as to whether to include this in the Bipolar Spectrum). It is used when the person has episodes of hypomania as well as mild depression for at least 2 years. The symptoms do not meet the criteria for Bipolar Disorder as laid out in the DSM.

Since people are more likely to seek out treatment when depressed, the diagnosing clinician should take a very specific medical history to avoid a misdiagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. People who what they refer to as Unipolar Depression do not have manic or hypomanic episodes.

Bipolar Disorder can get worse with time if left untreated. Episodes may be more frequent or more intense. In addition, delays in getting the correct diagnosis can lead to significant personal, social and work-related problems (oh, how well I know that having been fired from 2 jobs before being correctly diagnosed with Type I Bipolar). Proper treatment of the illness can help reduce the frequency and intensity of the episodes making it possible for a person with manic-depresseive illness able to lead a full and productive life.

Substance abuse is high among Bipolars although the reasons for the connection are not clear. The working hypothesis is that people are self-medicating. Taking CNS inhibitors like alcohol or certain groups of pills to bring themselves down, and using stimulants when feeling depressed.

Anxiety Disorders such as PTSD, social phobia and generalized anxiety often co-occur in people with Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is also co-morbid with ADHD/ADD which both mimic some of the symptoms of Bipolar like restlessness or an inability to focus. I am one such lucky individual to have the PTSD, Social Phobias, and ADD. Makes for an interesting ride sometimes.

Treatments

Now we get into the fun stuff: medication, or the “med-go-round” as I have named it. Bipolar Disorder cannot be cured but it can be effectively managed. Proper treatment can help many people ~even those with the most severe forms ~ manage their mood swings and the resulting behavior. As it is a lifelong illness, treatment is an ongoing long-term process and even those who have most successfully recovered may have continued albeit not as intense mood swing and changes in behavior. The NIMH funded “Systematic Treatment Enhancement Program for Bipolar Disorder (STEP-BD)” is the largest study ever conducted on Bipolar Disorder. It found that almost half of those who had recovered still had lingering symptoms, and having additional mental disorders increased the chance of relapse (no wonder I cannot hold down a job).

Treatment is most effective when the patient works closely with his or her doctor and there is open and honest communication about medication and how the patient feels they are doing on it. The most effective treatment plan usually includes medication and psychotherapy.

Medication

This is where the patient gets turned into a guinea pig. I am really not kidding. Finding the right medications to stabilize a person’s mood and therefore their behavior is a really un-fun (yes, I know that’s not a word) proposition. There are many different types of medication used for the treatment of Bipolar Disorder. One suggestion for the early phases of medicating a person is to have the patient log their moods, sleep patterns, and “life events”/stress/anxiety and tell the psychiatrist about side effects, especially if they become intolerable, or if your moods change for the worst. That will give the clinician an idea of what’s working and what’s not working. Although, my experience with the first go at medication had me on 6 different medications. How could they tell what worked and what didn’t? I eventually found a psychiatrist who thinks the way I do about medication. The fewer to accomplish the goal, the better.

There are a few basic types of medication used to treat Bipolar Disorder. They include mood stabilizers like Lithium, atypical antipsychotics like Abilify, and anti-depressants although one has to be careful with that class of medication as it can provoke a manic episode and/or increase mood cycling.

Lithium is the mood stabilizer of choice when a person first steps on the med-go-round. Lithium is a trace element that everyone needs to live, but in much higher doses, it is an effective mood stabilizer. Unless you are allergic to it as I am. Then, it does nothing for your mood because you are feeling like you have the flu all the time. Essentially, you are being poisoned. But, it does work for a lot of people. It was the first of the mood stabilizers to be approved for use by the FDA in the 1970’s for treating both mania and depression.

Anti-convulsants are also used as mood stabilizers although their primary purpose is to treat seizures associated with Epilepsy or other seizure disorders. The ones most commonly used are Depakote, which was approved in 1995 although there are special risk factors for younger women, Lamictal which can be effective in treating depression but comes with a “black box” warning that it may have serious side effects such as Steven-Johnson Disease which can be fatal. The anti-convulsant category comes with the FDA warning that use may increase suicidal ideation and behavior. Tried both of the above and side effects were intolerable, and didn’t need to be more suicidal than I already was. Doctors and patients need to closely monitor the effects of the anti-convulsants for any mood changes for the worse, and suicidal thoughts and/or behavior.

All of the medications in the category “mood stabilizer” have lengthy lists of side effects including dry mouth, bloating, restlessness, joint or muscle pain, and others. Other common side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, headaches, mood swings and cold-like symptoms. Medication is fun!

Atypical anti-psychotics (the new breed of Thorazine without the drooling) are sometimes used to stabilize mood and behavior. The most prominent are Zyprexa usually used with an antidepressant to control mania and psychosis, Abilify used for manic or mixed episodes, and Seroquel, Resperidal, and Geodon also used to treat mania.

I currently take 30 mg of Abilify each morning, with Welbutrin and Klonopin (for anxiety), and 500 mg of Seroquel at night as it knocks me out cold for a good 9 hours (see post on Waking up On Seroquel). Geodon is worse. Won’t take it, don’t even try.

The side effects of atypical antipsychotics are not nearly as bad as their predecessors. First of all, don’t drive until you know how they affect you (I once had the world tilt 90 degrees while at the grocery store, and I had driven my car there. That was not cool). The list of side effects for the atypicals is fairly short: drowsiness, dizziness upon standing, blurred vision, rapid heartbeat, sun sensitivity, and a couple of others.

I am going to skip the anti-depressant category because most people have either taken one of  them personally or know someone who does. The only problem with using them for Bipolar depression is mood switching and rapid cycling of moods.

 

So I Am All Tranced Out On House Music And Thinking…..

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I am thinking about the impossible to know with a reasonable level of certainty. What do two people have to do or not do to make a marriage work or die a flaming death much like mine? AC/DC’s song “Shot Down in Flames” comes to mind. While I admit that the world is probably a safer place for all involved if I live alone, I wonder what it was that I obviously did or did not do. I know what my problem with the whole grown-ups behaving badly thing is/was. No need to cover old ground, or extremely tainted water under a falling bridge.

 

I realize that having a diagnosis such as Bipolar tends to knock you a little sideways, and your perceptions of yourself in relation to the world changes a bit (maybe more than a bit). However, once you have recovered your senses, and you happen to be a highly functional mentally interesting person, shouldn’t things get easier not more tedious? Yes, I flew off the handle one too many times, but once again, I wasn’t the one who could not leave my computer sometimes for days on end. I tried to communicate, but how do you communicate with someone who does not know how to communicate with you? It’s like clapping with one hand (thanks to Anthrax for that analogy).

 

What are you supposed to do with someone who has no desire to really get to know who you are apart from your interestingness, and does not seem to have any desire to learn anything substantial about Bipolar? I, upon receiving said diagnosis, went out and read everything that seemed legitimate. How can you battle that which you do not understand fully? Answer: you cannot effectively deal with any illness unless you know what you are dealing with. 

 

This was supposed to be forever, but I guess that’s a big fairy tale society tells little girls: your knight in shining armor will come and all will be sparkly and shiny and smiley and happily ever after. They lied. I think I met my knight in shining armor, and ditched him to get married to a man who turned out to be a far cry from the “face” he put on during the courtship. I am sure he feels the same about me, but I really do not know how to be anything but myself. He knew my moods weren’t completely handled, but he said, no problem, he could handle it. Apparently not. 

 

So, now I am in my early 40’s looking at starting all over again. Dating in my 30’s was not a problem because of said knight in shining armor. I never had to worry about someone to go drink beer and listen to blues bands with. He was always there for me, in all ways. What the hell was I thinking? Now, I am left to pick up the wreckage that used to be a perfectly satisfying life. I did not have self-worth problems, I did not have problems with how I looked, I did not have a problem with how feminine I was or was not. I didn’t have a problem with a lot of things. As I imagine he didn’t either. But, I wasn’t shattering his masculinity every single day. 

 

i think that I took him very much by surprise when I actually did file for divorce. I had mentioned it several times over the past couple of years, but he never thought I would actually take any action. He said everything I said was just talk and more talk, no action. Well, I guess you shouldn’t threaten me physically. I don’t cotton to that very well. I just wish I could pinpoint where it all went wrong. When I became unhappy with him and he with me. I play it over in my mind, and nothing seems to just pop out at me. I think I became upset with myself when I stopped getting mad about his Internet activities. There was no point. i was just wasting breath. I do not know, but I do not think I will try it again anytime soon. Talk about a learning experience. Never again will I allow myself to be treated like that. I am surprised I didn’t see it until the very end. After all, I grew up in an emotionally abusive family. I should have seen it for what it was and left much sooner. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so scarred. Again.

 

Why Is Everything My Fault?

Washington DC – Foggy Bottom: Watergate Complex (Photo credit: wallyg)

I would like to know when I became responsible for an irresponsible person. I am not in control of bill paying anymore, and somehow, the bills are not getting paid. Now, we are low on coffee creamer because I have bipolar disorder and when under heavy emotional stress, I do not sleep well, if at all. So, now that’s my fault too. Did I have anything to do with the Cuban Missile Crisis? Yes, even though I wasn’t even born yet. I do not think my parents were even married at the time, but it is my fault that Castro almost blew us from here to kingdom come. Trickle down economics didn’t work, because something about me wouldn’t let it. Never mind that I was like 10 or maybe 12. I still had some influence on that misguided idea. Do not how, but I am responsible. Oh, and the biggie, the Watergate scandal. i was responsible for that too. No one knew that a toddler plated those tape recorders. Toddlers are dangerous. Better watch out for them, especially if they are walking. They are so impressionable at that age. 

I cannot wait until I am completely moved out of this hell-hole. I have never in my life felt so beaten down for reasons I do not understand. i cannot get anything right. Everything is about my having bipolar disorder. NO IT IS NOT!!!!!!!! Most of the time, if I am mad about something, I have a legitimate right to be angry. If I am happy, them I am just happy. It is not a manic episode. If i am sad, then I am simply sad. No depressive episode in sight. Most of the time recently I have just been irritated beyond my capacity for stupidity. I have never suffered fools lightly, and I can no longer put up with the behaviour of my soon to be ex husband. He is acting like  small child. Placing blame on external sources, when he is a Nichiren Buddhist and should know better. Your problems and solutions are within not without oneself. 

Maybe I am the irrational one. Fuck if I know! Maybe my reaction to his childishness is irrational, but I have done my best to keep things low-key. I am beginning to lose my grip on things. I feel like throwing stuff that breaks. That would be satisfying. My attempts at rationality are reaching their end. Not that I would ever do this, but I think he needs smacked upside the head to see how immature and stupid he is acting. I have had it. I can no longer sleep right, I never know when the next verbal or emotional attack is going to come from and for what reason. Let him play on the online dating sites. I only wish I cold find a way to tell these women that he is a façade and nothing else. He comes on charming and smooth, reels you in, and then his true nature starts coming out. Okay, girls, i warn you that he will be spending about 8 hours a day looking at other naked women. You are going to end feeling as sexy as a fat cow. He will never tell you that he loves you. He will never tell you that you are beautiful; forget your girlish notions of romance. You are in a world of hurt if you get close to him. He is a loser. 

There, I feel better. i am no longer responsible for the deficit. 🙂

You Are Only an Illness, Not A Person

The Madhouse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Me, personally, I would lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of chardonnay, and some lavender scented bubble bath.

Okay, all the funny stuff is over, and you are struck by your realization that someone you have loved does not and has not nor will they ever see you as a walking, breathing, and sensitive person that happens to also HAVE Bipolar disorder. They see you for your disease and they choose to define you as a walking pathology. How do you fight the preconceived idea that you are bipolar and that is all you are to them? You have become a non-entity, and realize you have been invisible for a long time. Is that why you fight about really stupid stuff? Negative attention is better than no attention; I think it was Skinner who came up with that idea (?) It really doesn’t matter who said it. It is part of the “woe is me” model of ongoing, chronic mental illness. I do not agree with this “woe is me” approach on many levels.

First, the afflicted individual is saying to him/herself, I am just an illness, I am not a person. And, therefore people can do anything they want to me because I am like a disease popsicle.

Second, as demonstrated by a person I thought was intelligent, everything that goes wrong can be tied directly to the fact that you ARE bipolar. Yet, anther example of the stupidity that goes into creating the stereotypes and stigma of having a mental issue. It’s people like this that continue to spread the epidemic that is the stigmatization of mental illness; why would anyone willingly tell someone their story if they knew it would be used to stab you in the back with it? Repeatedly. I over heard said person talking to an old neighbor and actually told her we were getting divorced because of MY BIPOLAR. Ummm. Hello, I am the one who filed for divorce! Doesn’t that mean to you, “Oh shit, I’d better figure out what is going wrong?”

We are not getting divorced because I have bipolar, it is because you are addicted to Internet Porn (which I have repeatedly told you I disliked), it is because you have become emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. You set me up every time. You make sure that I have no money, that I have limited access to your car (I let you use mine without question). All of the classic signs of abuse. You have no idea how much you have hurt me in the name of helping me out the life I had which was a perfectly good one, I had friends, I went out. You complain we never went anywhere. Well, maybe if you weren’t so fucking vain that you have to look like an Armani suit every time you go anywhere. You are losing sight of the reason’s I decided to divorce you. I have not sight of mine, or maybe you never knew the reasons why the marriage fell apart. HINT: it happened the night you threatened me with bodily harm. I don’t take that from anyone.

You have consistently treated me like a walking destructive force of nature, and yes, I can be. However, I haven’t been that way in many moons which if you were not busy with your porn. you would have noticed. You treat me like I am negative, defeatist, blah blah blah. You made me into that. Stupid @^#@! *&%^ you! I am out of here in less than a week. Do not fear I will take the Internet away with me, I will take my friends away with. You are pathetic.

How do you recover purpose as well as self-worth when someone had hurt you so badly, that you do not know who to trust, who’s mask is better than the next one. what is their real personality, basically paranoia? Is it allowable paranoia, is it valid paranoia, or is that one voice in you that says trust no one? Or are you filtering through your rather warped and damaged lens? Is it really your fault? Probably, since every thing is his mind eventually comes around to illness. He can’t even tell when I am manic or when I depressed. That’s the extent of observation It’s like a cave man grunting upon the finding of meat. That’s about the level of functioning he has. He is a cave man grunting upon finding meat, but never looks past that to see if there is more.

Melancholy

The Melancholy of Departure (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

English: Melancholy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I am feeling melancholy. You know, that feeling about life, yourself, others that hovers just this side of feeling depressed. It’s like having Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you could just get more sunlight, everything will be okay. It is not exactly depression (which I have been just barely managing to avoid), but it is not exactly not depression either. It feels like being in a fog that is not too thick but you can’t see the house across the street. It reminds of that song by the band Garbage, “I’m Only Happy When it Rains.” Actually if it were to rain right now, that might be nice.

 

I hate feeling melancholy. It feels like a weight making you really unmotivated to do anything. And, even worse, I am much more likely to cry when I am melancholy but not completely depressed. At least when I am completely depressed, I cannot put my finger on why. Melancholy is different. I know why I feel this way, but am unable to stop the feeling. It is because someone forced my hand. I keep saying to myself if only this had happened or that had happened rather than what inevitably did happen, then I wouldn’t feel this way.

 

I have a tendency to develop a blank stare when I feel this way. I can stare out the window for hours wondering what might have been if circumstances had turned out differently. The point being circumstances are what they are, and I do not feel any control over them. They feel like a wave on the ocean; operating on its own due to the undercurrents. I am not surfing my sine wave at the moment. It has grown choppy and difficult to surf. It looks more like a graph of a minimal earthquake. Maybe that’s why I feel this way. I feel minimal. 

 

The Long Road To A Correct Diagnosis ~ Why Rapid Cycling Is Hard To Identify Part Two

Universe (Photo credit: Loulair Harton)

I just could not stomach the idea that this was a life-long illness that has no cure. It is only treatable; sometimes successfully, other times, not so much. It can be managed through medication, therapy (long-term, in most cases), and in my opinion, some sort of spiritual faith that keeps you grounded (it also provides a social circle, and, in some cases, wonderful people who lift you back up if you stumble). But, it is, in my opinion and experience never “under control”. It is simply well managed.

One of my last two trips to the psych ward involved a heavy duty overdose of two completely full prescriptions for Geodon (an atypical anti-psychotic) and Wellbutrin (a popular anti-depressant for Bipolars). I think I swallowed about 27 Geodon and about 25 Wellbutrin tablets, then sat back to wait. I was determined that this time I was going to get it right. I would not under any circumstances call 911, I would not call my mother or my best friend; this time I was all-in. Until the consequences of my actions began to take hold. I began to question whether I was really all-in or not, because the fact of the matter was that I was dying. This time I had really f*&^%ed up, and had taken lethal doses of both medications. I don’t remember a whole lot of what followed, but I have to assume I called 911 and told the operator what I had taken. Seriously rapid response time for the paramedics. I had never seen them get anywhere that fast. Of course, the police came. I was coherent enough to remember a female officer asking about a knife that I used as a letter opener, and whether I had ever cut myself. I told her no. I do not like pain of any kind. That’s why I swallow pills. However, my will to live is too strong.

This particular attempt scared any desire to attempt suicide ever again no matter how dark the tunnel I was in seemed to be right out of me. Initially, I was relatively coherent, and responsive. They quickly hooked me up to 8 separate IV‘s to flush the drugs I had taken, and by now were in my blood stream (which meant they were cycling through my brain). Very slowly, total paralysis from the neck down began to set in. Oh, and the entire emergency room and all the people in it turned a fucshia pink. Neither of those symptoms were okay with me. I couldn’t move at all, and I was becoming psychotic at the same time, and I knew it. It is the weirdest feeling I have experienced on this “ride.” I was totally psychotic, broken from reality, but I knew that I was psychotic and nothing I saw or heard could be trusted. I mean, honestly, fuschia? Being psychotic is fine, but let’s leave out the color changes; they are too weird for me. So, all these hot pink people were doing everything in their power to save my life, and I do mean that. I was so close to dead that if I had called 911 any later, I probably would have succeeded. 

So, no s*&^, there I was completely unable to move any part of my body except my head, hooked up to at least 8 IV’s and having to pee every 5 to 10 minutes. The extremely nice hot pink nurse’s aides would do their best to get me up to the small portable toilet they had near my bed, and this went on for what seemed like hours. I lay there fully aware of my psychosis, and pleading with the powers that be to allow me to just wiggle a toe. It didn’t seem like a whole lot to ask. I spent 30 minutes just trying to wiggle my big toe, and then the miraculous happened! My toe wiggled and I was the one sending the electrical impulses from my brain. All was not lost after all. Slowly, I began to move other parts of my body. I was going to be okay, at least physically. I had no idea what I had done to my brain functioning. All I knew was that hot pink people were not normal.

I was transferred by ambulance to the psych ward of the same group of hospitals. During the ride there, I made a vow with myself and the Universe that if I were lucky enough to come out of this with no lasting effects, I would never try again. That was five years ago, and while I have had suicidal thoughts up to the point of lining the pill bottles up to see what was left and if a cocktail might do the job, I will never break that vow. Something very bad will happen if you break vows with the Universe as a whole. No one really knows what’s out there, and I am not willing to find out. 

After being shuttled through the psych emergency room, I was placed on the ward as a suicide risk. They locked the door to my room if I wasn’t in it, and even worse, they locked the door to the bathroom both night and day. The meds I was on were extremely dehydrating so I drank a lot of fluids, and the door to the bathroom was locked. That, at the time, was high on my irritant Richter scale. I was on “suicide watch” for about 3 days.

In the meantime, I watched the walls swirl and warp into pretty patterns, and asked the psychiatrist if she saw ants marching in formation on the floor. She said no, but I could plainly see them. As far as I was concerned they were real, but here’s the caveat, I knew at the same time that they were not real. It is real strange to know you are psychotic. You are not supposed to know that your reality is different from other people’s. But, I did know. Some part of my brain was still functioning normally while the majority took a little trip. Yea!

I am happy to say with a great deal of gratitude and indebtedness that I have only been back to the hospital once in these past 5 years. Apparently, the Universe heard me, and has held me to what I promised. I still cycle far more often than I would like, but at least now I understand more about what signals the onslaught of an “episode.” Depressive episodes are usually precluded by a great deal of agitation, restlessness, and bouncing from activity to activity with none of them holding my interest for very long. So, knowing that, I can head it off at the pass by having my psychiatrist renew my anti-depressants or up something or lower something. The manic spells I just don’t really have them much. However, the same agitation and restlessness are there but it is accompanied by a great deal of highly focused activity usually writing. So, this blog is fueled by rapidly changing highs and lows. Manic-Depression is……well it is what it is and it is different for everyone. There is no typical mentally “interesting” person. And, I find that makes the world an even more wondrous place even if it is filtered through a now stable madness.