Rough Anniversary But I Got Through It

Well, I survived the anniversary. It was a different sort of survival than other break-ups I have experienced. I didn’t get this (depressed is the wrong word, although I did get a prescription for 3 months of anti-depressants) moody when I broke up with other boyfriends and one fiance. Somehow, even though the marriage only lasted about 4 years, I felt more like a failure than when I broke up with my fiance of 9 years. I have been doing a lot of thinking on why that might be, and finally came to the conclusion that I was blamed frequently during the marriage for it’s shortcomings. Usually, it was the fact that I have Bipolar disorder that was blamed. I cannot help that, but somehow, I felt that I should have been less “me” and more of someone who does not live with an Affective disorder. In my rational mind, I do realize that my ex-husband never really did try to understand the disorder, and that is what lay at fault was his lack of understanding, and the emotionally abusive nature of the relationship. I always felt that I was not quite the person he thought he had married, and he tried rather hard to “remold” me into someone that more closely resembled the actors in his little “fetish” movies (I do not need to rehash all of that. There are many posts about that issue). 

Being blamed for something you cannot control but can only manage to the best of your ability is terribly disheartening. When you have a “severe” psychiatric illness, you already feel different than other people, but to be essentially blamed for having it in the first place is not just disheartening, it threatens your self-image, your ego, your self-esteem, and other essential parts of who you think you are. You become your illness because so much emphasis is placed on it. I was not diagnosed in my 20’s when I was engaged for 9 years so the break-up was mutual and fairly friendly. Somehow the diagnosis made this one worse. I truly felt that it was solely my fault that the marriage didn’t work because I had to be hospitalized once (he got very angry when I asked him to drive me to the hospital; I didn’t understand that) because I was playing the “line up the pill bottles and try to decide if there is enough to overdose” game. I was trying to get myself to a safe place. I had already taken too much of my Seroquel and was falling asleep when I asked. He just yelled at me about being sick of all the drama, so I told him I would drive myself (about 45 miles) to the hospital even though I knew I would probably die in a car accident on the way. And, so the relationship went for 4 years. After a month of pondering, I have decided that my Bipolar was just a convenient way for him to take no responsibility for the failure of the relationship. And, I am still not sure about that. 

The Dreaded One Year Anniversary Is Here

Dissolution of Marriage

Today is the one year anniversary of the dissolution of my marriage. I have no idea how I feel today. I do not mean depressed or manic as those are mood states that encompass many other emotions. I am definitely not depressed (well not really depressed; I am always depressed), and I am definitely not manic (at least in any noticeable way). I am something else today. I do not know if I feel sad although I know that would be an appropriate emotion to have, I do not know if I feel somewhat angry that my ex-husband’s behavior forced my hand and made a divorce the only logical thing to do, or maybe I feel both sad and angry. Perhaps, it is a much more tangled set of emotions: I feel sad that marriage counseling didn’t work, I feel angry at him for not taking the counseling and/or my feelings seriously, I feel a certain amount of failure that, in spite of two attempts at counseling, the marriage still came apart. Maybe, I feel a certain amount of relief? That just seems so wrong to feel, though.

I know I am still angry with him for the behavior he engaged in that was really the root cause of the failure. I am trying really hard not to blame him; the behavior he was and is still engaging in is classified as an addiction in the DSM~5. However, it is very difficult for me not to blame him to some extent because I think that everyone has a tendency to point the finger at the other when it comes to things of this nature. He blamed my reactions to his addiction on my having Bipolar disorder (which he never bothered to become even remotely educated about), he blamed it on my lack of ego (if I had no ego, his addiction would not have bothered me to the extent it did, hello), he blamed my reactions on low self-esteem (once again, if I did not have some regard for myself, it wouldn’t have bothered me because I would have been a door mat). He pointed the finger at me and blamed me for his addiction. That still just flat out pisses me off. However, having been an addict of a different kind, I can see the behavior of blaming whoever and whatever is handy, and understand that is part of the nature of addiction.

He doesn’t and will never see it that way until he knows with his heart and soul that he has a problem. It is one thing to know intellectually that one is an addict. It is another thing entirely to own it, make it yours and yours only, and then get help. So far, he has only recognized it intellectually, and with me gone, he sees no reason to stop even though it will impact the next relationship and the next and the next. In many ways, I feel sorry for him that he just cannot see it.

I think also that I feel a sense of loss of self. I am not the same person who went happily into this marriage thinking it would be my one and only for the rest of my life. I have allowed myself to become jaded, cynical and suspicious of the motives of men, in general. I didn’t really realize this until several guys had hit on me, and my reaction to them was to question their motives. They could have been nice guys who just wanted to get to know me. I have been deeply wounded, and I do not know how to heal because the person who hurt me claimed they loved me more than anything else. And, I believed that……for a while. If he had truly loved me, he would have educated himself on Bipolar disorder, he would not have tried to change me from the boots and jeans type of woman I am into a woman who ran around the house cleaning in high heels like some mad version of June Cleaver, he would not have tried to make me look like the women he saw in Texas (of all places; no offense meant). Had he truly loved me, he would have let me just be me. But, he didn’t. 

I think more than anything I am confused. I loved him so I did the things I thought or that he had expressed would make him happy, and I received nothing but blame, emotional and verbal abuse, and shaming in return. And, he wonders why I divorced him. Had he really wanted to, he could have changed for me, or we could have compromised. I always thought compromise is part of a relationship. At least it was in the ones I have been in before him. I am also quite confused by his present behavior. It would seem that he wants to reconcile, and he is being the person he was (for the most part) before we were married. I have no reassurances, however, that he won’t go back to the person he became and, at heart, probably still is. Why can’t this man just be normal like everyone else I have been in long term relationships with? Why the confusing gestures and mixed signals? I dissolved the marriage for a reason, and in my experience, those reasons rarely change all that much.

 

 

Anniversaries

What is it about anniversaries of significant moments in our lives; both good and bad and some that are both at the same time? Is it the mind that remembers these times? Is it our heart that keeps these dates close? Or, are these moments so engraved upon our being that we cannot seem to forget? I only wonder as I have in the past when a significant date is coming up or has passed which of these questions is the true question. Or, if they all have correct answers.

On August 29th of this year I will have been divorced for one year exactly even though the process took a couple of months. What is bothering me is how I feel about it. I feel sad, but I also feel a sense of relief, I feel failure as this is or was the only time I got married, but at the same time, I feel the divorce was successful as it restored me to a form of equilibrium, I feel freedom, but also a sense of being shackled as I now have to start the whole process all over again, and I am not the free-wheeling 20-something that I used to be. I am now a grown woman that will not settle as I used to. I have my ways of doing things that will conflict with another’s ideas about how things should work. I have much higher standards than in my college years. I know exactly what type of man I want, and I am afraid that he got away when I decided to get married to someone that I share very little with. Hence, the divorce that I initiated.

I always believed that I would get married once and only once, and so I waited until I thought the right man had come to me. I still believe that I will marry once and only once because of the trauma that relationship put both of us through, the verbal abuse (he saw it as constructive criticism), the emotional neglect has only begun to heal, to suture those gaping wounds left in my heart and my mind. 

As the date approaches, I feel more and more anxious. I am concerned that I will not meet another man like the one I knew. The man who loved me so unconditionally that he even loved my mood swings, my paranoia, my anxiety attacks, and my being prone to fatalistic thinking. He loved me with all my quirks, strengths, flaws, and craziness. Nothing could rattle this man. If I was having a bad day, he hugged me, kissed the top of my head, said nothing and left, but I felt better. I told him one time that I loved him, only once. His response was “I have loved you for a long time”. He said it once, but he meant it with all his heart and soul. We only had to say it once. It did not need to be confirmed. That we loved each other just was. It scares me to think that there may only be one man like this, only one man who fit so neatly into my heart that I loved him without question, and he loved me in return. Here comes the “what if” question; what if he was the perfect “soul mate” for me, and I for him and I lost him to marry another who was anything but?

I do not like anniversaries at all, but at least now I am old enough to have gained the wisdom that time does not heal all wounds, but it does make them bearable. However, right now, with the date looming just a a little less than a month away, I feel like a scab has been picked off and I have become a member of the walking wounded. I think I have answered my question; these dates are engraved upon our being, and as humans, we will never completely forget. Forgive, yes, forget, no. I do not believe it is our nature to forget. I hope I am wrong about that.

Lost And Confused

From confusion comes opportunity. (Photo credit: wasabicube)

 

 

So, I am not feeling particularly bad about divorcing my ex-husband right now. In fact, we belong to the same Buddhist community and he introduced to this form of Buddhism. Our community is divided across the city into smaller groups or Districts. I am now and have been the Women’s District leader for the group he had practiced with since moving here about 8 years ago. Upon the divorce, he made the choice (thank the powers that be) to move to another District because I sure was not going to give up my group because of him, although I did try for other reasons. But, I was shot down. So, at any rate, for the past month or so, I have been in and out of a fairly intense mixed episode. I cry at the drop of a pin, I am manic as all hell with the motivation of a seriously depressed person. It’s cool. Fucking rocks (pardon my French)……the problem is I still have to do shit.

 

Actually, sitting here listening to Pearl Jam’s “Ten”, the song “Alive” is playing. Always one of my favorites, ever since it was a new song (yes, I am an aging Gen-Xer, and was around to see the very beginning of alternative rock and Grunge.I am getting old…er). Anyway, this particular lyric has always gotten to me, probably because I have been Bipolar for 20+ years and did not know it. At any rate, here’s the lyric: “…..Is there something wrong, she said. Well, of course there is. You’re still alive, she said. Oh, and do I deserve to be? Is that the question? And, if so….if so… who answers…who answers….” (Pearl Jam, Ten “Alive”) For some reason, this lyric has always touched a nerve. Maybe because I don’t feel worthy of life, worthy of happiness (my marriage certainly validated that feeling), worthy of a happy life. Somewhere along the path of my growing up, I decided that psychological torture (both by self and by others) seemed to define the “norm” of my life. This is how confusion has been reached. Confusion is not a state I find my self in often. At least not about emotions. I just choose to not have them if I can possibly avoid them. 

 

However, confusion and complete discombobulation is where I find my self. I do not like it. I do not enjoy this. I choose not to feel for a reason. Feeling has caused me nothing but pain over my lifetime. I do not hold much hope for the same reason. Every time I have dared to hope, it has gone dramatically and catastrophically awry. I seem to find my self in a position where I am actually feeling bad that I divorced my ex. Neither of us put much into marriage counseling (it, I believe was too far gone by then), and as a consequence we paid co-payments for psychologists that couldn’t help by that point. Initially, I thought, he was falling asleep on the couch because he was staying up too late, and then, it gradually dawned. He didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as me. I have these questions that goes around and around and around in my mind: was it his porn addiction or my having Manic Depression that caused the rift? Was it a combination of both? Was it my reaction to what he saw as normal and healthy? He blamed the whole thing on me, always telling me that I was all talk and no action (I had actually been thinking of divorce for a year or so). 

 

Then, the “deal-breaker” fight happened and he threatened me with bodily harm. Lethal bodily harm. I have PTSD. I have an intense fight or flight mechanism; it depends on the situation which one steps up. I also have a fairly “distinctive” career as a substance abuser (see post: “Self-Medication” in the archives). When he said that I was lucky there were no lethal weapons in the house, he was clearly thinking about guns. Idiot. I felt this really scary calm come over me. I have only felt it a few times, and it always involved a threat to me of some sort. I just looked at him, and found him pathetic. I, mean, how dare he threaten my life? As if I was going to let him hurt me? So, I looked at him much like you look at a specimen of algae in Biology class. He had become a non-entity; something to be disposed of. I looked around the room from my position on the sofa, and I could clearly see at least 10 lethal objects not to mention the knives in the kitchen. I asked very calmly what did he mean there were no lethal weapons in the house, that I could see about 10 from where I sat. He was clearly out of his element. I had been a fairly violent child, and it got even worse as my substance use led me further and further down a very dangerous path littered with human land mines. I told him the conversation was over, and I was going to bed. It was 2:00 am. I spent an hour trying to fall asleep, and in that hour decided that I was leaving. He really fucked up when he threatened me because a vital part of my self shut down, and part of that part was my love for him.

 

Which gets me to where I am now. Confused. And emotional. I feel bad for divorcing him because I know he thought I would put up with his shit forever. No, sorry, even my self esteem has a point at which I say no more. I mean, he clearly was hiding from me. He would spend all day locked away with his computer and his porn. Didn’t leave much room for me. So, I filed the first of the paperwork 4 days before my birthday and one month after our anniversary. I have always had a great sense of timing. I think what is bothering me now is that I just don’t feel that bad about it. In my eyes, I was protecting my self from further damage. I isolate the word “self” for a reason. It was the “self” that was being attacked and damaged. I have spent far too much time in therapy, in the hospital, getting medically “stable” to watch it all go down in flames. Maybe that makes me a cold person, but I do not think so. It makes me a survivor, and it makes me someone who wants a life. I feel bad for him, but, at the same time, I do not feel anything. That’s new; I have never just not felt anything. Maybe its because it is the Holidays, and I feel so much that it feels like numbness.

 

Can't Really Tell Where My Head Is At

Divorce Cakes a_006 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

I have received the divorce papers. It is official; I am divorced after approximately 4 years of marriage. I do not really know how I feel about it now that it is a reality that I can read as many times as I want on page two of the Divorce Decree. And, believe me, I have been doing just that. That cannot be healthy. My anti-anxiety medication refuses to work, the mood stabilizers are on holiday to Jamaica (or where ever that postcard came from “Wish you were here!”). I am alternately very quickly through mania and depression. Mostly at the same time.

I mailed the required copies to my ex-husband as New Mexico law and I would presume most states, if not all, has this clause. He found out that the divorce was final, I think on Thursday. I found out about a week earlier. It was surreal to read those papers. I think in my mind that it was going to take longer to process the divorce packet. It took two days from the date of filing. It was so fast. My mom and I finalized the papers on a Tuesday, filed Wednesday, and by Friday I was divorced.

I really do not know how I feel about this. I have been waiting for him to change his “habit” for two or more years now. I thought I had worked out the abandonment and neglect that was part and parcel of this marriage. I have been alone with someone for so long that I thought living alone would be easy, and I would just drop into my old routines. That hasn’t happened. I feel sad and depressed. I feel like a complete failure. I have done everything right in my life’; with a few notable exceptions. Why couldn’t I get this right? Why couldn’t he get it right? Its not like he hasn’t had practice. He’s been married three times, and divorced three times. Although, I have noticed a pattern, he stays married for about 3-4 years and then gets divorced. Is he leaving them? Or, are his “habits” so odious that they leave him? He doesn’t need a wife; he needs a friend with benefits and a maid.

I didn’t expect to feel loss. i thought I had been through that already, too. Apparently not. I feel loss, I feel grief, and I feel relief and elation. I feel like I have been having a mixed episode for about three weeks. If I am manic with not too much depression, I can get things done, if I am depressed and slightly manic. I sit and mourn.

I have no more access to a car, so it is looking like my Buddhist activities are going to cease as they are on Sunday, and the Sunday buses rune every hour at inconvenient times. So, that’s not an option. As this spiritual philosophy has kept me grounded for almost 5 years, I do not know what I am going to do with out it. I cannot in all good conscience keep asking people for rides to meetings and events as it may be years before I can get a car, and that is a serious imposition. 

I am scared.

So Close, Yet So Far

Legal research (Photo credit: gwilmore

My mother and I filed the final Divorce packet about two days ago. He never officially answered the summons alerting him to the Petition for Divorce action being taken against him. It was due at the Civil Relations or Domestic Relations clerk’s office 30 days after the summons and a copy of the “Lawsuit” (I guess is what it really is) were served to him. He said about 10 days after the 30 were up that he needed to get to court to file his response. I told him his 30 days was up about 2 weeks before. I do not understand this guy. He gets a traffic ticket in Los Lunas, and makes damn good and well he knows where the courthouse for that region is, and what time he needs to be there. And, he goes at the appointed time and date. What is so different about answering a Summons alerting you that your wife is leaving?

It is almost like he is a child, and if he puts his hands over his ears and eyes, it will all go away. I really do not think that he realized that I was deadly serious this time. He had said that I was all talk and no action when it came to leaving the relationship. Hmmm, I guess not. I spent about 2 weeks packing and moving, and I moved to an apartment about 10 days ago. My mom then discovered there is different paperwork to be filed in a Default Judgment scenario which is what we now have. So, with my mom helping (as a private attorney, she filed lots of Divorce cases before she moved to the City), I filed the Default Judgment packet asking the Judge to please dissolve the marriage, and return to me to my rightful name. I never did feel comfortable having taken his last name. Foreshadowing, perhaps? At any rate, those are the two things that I want: the marriage from hell dissolved, and my name returned to me. 

I do not think he knows what he did with all his passive-aggressive and narcissistic behaviour. I have taken steps backwards due to his verbal and emotional abuse and neglect. I no longer feel a sense of self-worth (if I was worthy, then he would have not been on the Internet looking at and watching porn), I no longer feel I am attractive or even the slightest bit sexy (see comment above), I have lost self-esteem (whatever that is, i know that I have lost it), I treat myself badly, I feel very unlovable and not wanted in any way, shape or form,etc. And, all he had to do to keep his marriage was get out of Pornography “fun-land”, read a damn book about my main illness, Bipolar disorder type I, and show me that I was wanted and appreciated. That is all he had to do. Instead, he did the opposite. He would claim that only three things were important to me: my mental health, my self, and my cat. He left something out. He was important to me; I loved him (or thought I did), and all I really wanted was for him to be happy, but I am now guessing he is not capable of true and lasting happiness or contentment. 

Hopefully in about 2 weeks, i will be rid of this foul and toxic relationship, I will have my name back, and I can go ahead with the work of healing and putting back together everything he undid. All those years of therapy, and this asshole wipes out about 2 years of progression towards my stable madness.

Today I Got Two New Awards (Not Bragging Today)

English: Bob Marley live in concert, just a couple of years before his death (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hobby (Photo credit: Sergey Yeliseev)

Today, another blogger, ajaytao2010, volunteered me to pick out two awards from a total of thirteen. As, I am approaching the “big” move out of the house I used to share with a man I thought was something he turned out not to be, I am feeling a little like I am on a hammock that is rocking violently in a late summer wind. I am alternating from irritable (big defensive wall) to profoundly sad (no defenses there). I got married with the idea that this would be the only marriage i would ever have. I was in my late 30’s when I got married. I waited until I thought I had found the right man. I was very wrong as I often am. One of these days I am going to get this “life thing” right, I swear. i just do not know what a happy life looks like. I have never really had one. Not even as a child. I thought too much and analyzed the life out of things; probably why I am a great researcher. but, happy, no. Weird to other people and kids at school, yes. I wasn’t normal until I hit college, and realized that all the weirdos from high school had congregated there. Now, I wasn’t weird or strange or any one of a number of descriptors used over the years. I was accepted, I was allowed to explore ideas and philosophies. I was encouraged to explore, to inquire, to question, and to be myself (which was still a bit odd).

At any rate, I have been moving out of the house that was supposed to be a “fresh start” for my husband and myself, but nothing changed except me. I became less emotional which may or may not be a good thing. He continued with his way of life (of which I highly disapproved). It is almost like the status quo was fine for him, but I needed to work on myself. I was always in the wrong, always on the receiving end of small but biting barbs; I was being abused, and I recognized it. I had been trying to work up the courage to leave, but he always sweet talked me back, and then it would all start over again. We finally had the deal breaker fight a couple of months ago, and I went to bed that night determined to instigate divorce proceedings. I had told him that I would divorce him if he didn’t at least try to curb certain activities. He didn’t and told me to stop threatening. I said that it was a certainty. And, so it came to be. 

So, today, a blogger who has just started reading the convolution that is my life gave me two awards for my blog. Like I said, i do not really need awards to validate myself (that was me in college; I was defined by being the best student in the class), however, it is very nice and humbling that someone would actually not only read my esoteric writings about everything, but would find it interesting enough to follow it, and to deem it worthy of a couple of awards. Like I said, it couldn’t have come at a more opportune time in my life; recognition and validation of any kind is very appreciated when one has not heard much of it. So, one again, Ajaytao2010, thank you very much. I receive them with appreciation and gratitude.  🙂

You Are Only an Illness, Not A Person

The Madhouse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Me, personally, I would lock myself in the bathroom with a bottle of chardonnay, and some lavender scented bubble bath.

Okay, all the funny stuff is over, and you are struck by your realization that someone you have loved does not and has not nor will they ever see you as a walking, breathing, and sensitive person that happens to also HAVE Bipolar disorder. They see you for your disease and they choose to define you as a walking pathology. How do you fight the preconceived idea that you are bipolar and that is all you are to them? You have become a non-entity, and realize you have been invisible for a long time. Is that why you fight about really stupid stuff? Negative attention is better than no attention; I think it was Skinner who came up with that idea (?) It really doesn’t matter who said it. It is part of the “woe is me” model of ongoing, chronic mental illness. I do not agree with this “woe is me” approach on many levels.

First, the afflicted individual is saying to him/herself, I am just an illness, I am not a person. And, therefore people can do anything they want to me because I am like a disease popsicle.

Second, as demonstrated by a person I thought was intelligent, everything that goes wrong can be tied directly to the fact that you ARE bipolar. Yet, anther example of the stupidity that goes into creating the stereotypes and stigma of having a mental issue. It’s people like this that continue to spread the epidemic that is the stigmatization of mental illness; why would anyone willingly tell someone their story if they knew it would be used to stab you in the back with it? Repeatedly. I over heard said person talking to an old neighbor and actually told her we were getting divorced because of MY BIPOLAR. Ummm. Hello, I am the one who filed for divorce! Doesn’t that mean to you, “Oh shit, I’d better figure out what is going wrong?”

We are not getting divorced because I have bipolar, it is because you are addicted to Internet Porn (which I have repeatedly told you I disliked), it is because you have become emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. You set me up every time. You make sure that I have no money, that I have limited access to your car (I let you use mine without question). All of the classic signs of abuse. You have no idea how much you have hurt me in the name of helping me out the life I had which was a perfectly good one, I had friends, I went out. You complain we never went anywhere. Well, maybe if you weren’t so fucking vain that you have to look like an Armani suit every time you go anywhere. You are losing sight of the reason’s I decided to divorce you. I have not sight of mine, or maybe you never knew the reasons why the marriage fell apart. HINT: it happened the night you threatened me with bodily harm. I don’t take that from anyone.

You have consistently treated me like a walking destructive force of nature, and yes, I can be. However, I haven’t been that way in many moons which if you were not busy with your porn. you would have noticed. You treat me like I am negative, defeatist, blah blah blah. You made me into that. Stupid @^#@! *&%^ you! I am out of here in less than a week. Do not fear I will take the Internet away with me, I will take my friends away with. You are pathetic.

How do you recover purpose as well as self-worth when someone had hurt you so badly, that you do not know who to trust, who’s mask is better than the next one. what is their real personality, basically paranoia? Is it allowable paranoia, is it valid paranoia, or is that one voice in you that says trust no one? Or are you filtering through your rather warped and damaged lens? Is it really your fault? Probably, since every thing is his mind eventually comes around to illness. He can’t even tell when I am manic or when I depressed. That’s the extent of observation It’s like a cave man grunting upon the finding of meat. That’s about the level of functioning he has. He is a cave man grunting upon finding meat, but never looks past that to see if there is more.

The Divorce Petition Isn't Even Filed Yet…..

It’s kind of like the body is still warm. He’s already on dating sites looking for someone to replace me. I guess I was expendable. I thought he loved me, I was wrong. I was wrong about so many things. I am not sure I trust my judgment anymore. All I know is you won’t find me looking for a new partner any time soon. I have been too fucked over in this relationship to even consider another one. Fuck it. It’s really all over now.

 

I Just Don't Understand……Maybe I Really Am As Dumb As I Feel Sometimes

You Don’t Understand Me (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I do not get some people. It isn’t for lack of trying. Every person I have spoken to today has either been very snide or has outright yelled at me. Which tends to make me really irritable. I am already having a “manic episode” which means that I am not sleeping, eating, or anything else I supposed to do to keep myself healthy. What I do not get is why other people cannot seem to see when I am “sick” (I hate that term), and that is when they choose to get strange on me. 

 

I have no one to talk to about what is happening to me because nobody wants to hear it; they’ve got their own, much more important problems to deal with. I am being sued by my student loan provider, I am on the verge of being sued by my other student loan provider, if they win the payment amount per month that they want, I will be homeless because I simply can’t make nearly $300.00 in loan payments and pay rent. I figured it out. If I pay as the plans stand, I will have $662 (roughly) to pay rent, utilities, and try to feed myself. That’s impossible. I will be homeless. I will lose everything I have worked so hard to accomplish both socially and privately. Material possessions can be replaced eventually, but once you have been knocked down, it is really hard to stand back up.

 

I am going through a divorce and trying to live out the lease with my soon to be ex-husband. I can’t talk to him about how I feel about that. Most of the times, I feel okay about it. Neither of us were happy. But, then there are days like today where I really need someone to just listen to me. I feel very sad and lonely (as per the usual) today. I didn’t want to file for divorce, but it was the only thing that would resolve the entire situation between us. We fought all the time, made snide remarks about each other, he always defined me by my mental “interestingness”, but never by who I really am which is a normal person who feels life more intensely than most. I wrote him a note today trying to explain to him that I was not doing this out of malice, or that I can no longer tolerate him, but rather it was out of love for him and concern for his welfare that I was stepping out of the picture before I do any more damage, Apparently, it is very difficult to have a relationship with a bipolar person. I say it is very hard for a bipolar person to have a relationship with a chronically depressed person.

 

I basically have no friends anymore because he isolated me from them through very subtle emotional and verbal abuse. But, I am just as much to blame on that front. Sometimes, I think we fought about nothing just so we could hurt each other. It was really good for about the first year and a half, and then very slowly, it started to go downhill. Then it picked up momentum, and became it’s own living entity. But, how do you fight something you cannot see? How do you fix something when the other person is blaming you for nearly everything that has gone wrong, but they cannot see their own contribution to the demise of something that was once beautiful? 

 

I am feeling very uncomfortable today. I cannot seem to say anything right to anyone I have encountered today. I have been flat out yelled at by another mentally “interesting” friend who is really struggling right now. Nothing I said was right, she shot down everything I suggested as “impossible,” she put down any idea I had that might have helped. I even offered to help her clean and organize her apartment, But, that was met with more yelling. I tried to tell her that people are willing to help her, but that she pushes them away by repeatedly turning down their offers to help her. Eventually, people will get tired of getting shot down every time they try to help her, and they will stop offering. Why beat a dead horse?

 

I feel very alone in this. I know that I will be okay in the long run, but the short run is a bitch. I feel like the wicked witch of the west. I feel like he was right all along; that the destruction of this relationship was mostly me. I changed him, I damaged him, I hurt him, I didn’t show enough affection, I didn’t do this and I didn’t do that. He never stops to think that he did two very important things: he spent hours on the Internet watching and collecting amateur porn which I felt very disrespected by, and he didn’t open a single book written by the people who are the experts on mood disorders to find out how to support me, or even to just understand me. To me, that shows a lack of real caring. It tells me that his love was conditional on my not getting upset about his porn addiction, and just let him carry on his merry little way thinking that he understands the multitude of bipolar manifestations.

 

I cannot talk to anyone about this. Everyone I know is happily married. When you are getting divorced, the last thing you want to do is talk to someone with a functional marriage. It just makes everything that iota worse than it already is. I find myself questioning whether I have made the right decision, or if I really am as dumb as I feel.