This Bites…..

I am experiencing that horrible fate that at times overcomes even the most prolific of writers: Writers Block. Its like having a mixed episode with words. The words want to come, they are the most motivated words in the world, but they are also the least motivated words in the world, preferring to laze around in my head while some fictional muscle bound guy feeds them peeled grapes a la Cleopatra. If you had that going for you, would you want to jump out of the warmth of my head onto the coldness of the computer screen? I wouldn’t. I’d stay with the muscle bound grape feeder. And, no, I have gone off the deep end. I did that years ago. I am not even sure what the shallow end looks like.

Writer’s Block

However, in all seriousness, this is just as bad as living in mixed episode world. The words are stuck in my head. They would like to get to their proper home in the WordPress servers, but they lack motivation. They are the most manic and the most depressed little words in the world. Maybe I am having a psychotic break? Nope, that can’t be it, because I know I am not psychotic which rules out psychosis.

Oh, this is worse than manic depression! How can you say that, I hear people saying? Nothing could be worse than severe mental disruption. This, to me, is worse. I have been writing since I was 12 years old. I am now nearing 44 years of age. That’s 32 years of writing about anything and everything. And, now, I get the dreaded Writer’s Block during the Holiday season when I am generally most prolific. I do not like the Holidays for as many reasons as other people who do not like the Holidays.

Arrgghhh! This has to stop. Writing is my release. It is my way of getting my head out of my head (I know that doesn’t seem to make sense, but it works in my world.) So, my head is stuck inside itself which means I am thinking. Generally, when I think, I have to write down what I am thinking so it doesn’t disturb the delicate balance of mixed episode world. If I tilt the world a little to the left, I can go into major depression. I do not like that space. If I tilt to the right, I can go into manic world. I do not like that space either (well, maybe for a day or two, but we all know that mania sticks around longer than that.) Must maintain balance in the world of my head at all costs. I have to be able to walk the tightrope that is the continuous mixed episode. It is the only “normal” that I know. I will not get through the Holidays if this blockage continues.

I have already lost my mind to several psychiatric diagnoses, have to take medication just to get out of the house, have to take medication to make my brain focus, medication for mood stabilization, and one more for depression. Writing is the only thing that keeps me sane, and won’t cause addiction (the anti-anxiety medication, and the one to keep me focused), or cause unwanted side effects like weight gain (mood stabilizers). Writing has always been my constant, my rock when my ocean acts up and the waves stop their gentle rocking, and I get weird. Not that I am not already weird. That was established in grade school. This is a totally different kind of weird. This is an emotional weird, and it is an unpleasant place to be; very uncomfortable, and there aren’t any pillows in this space. There are so many things I need to get out of my head, and I can’t. My brain is stuck in neutral. Hmmphh……