6 Ways To Distinguish Your Self From Your Illness

Manic-Depression

This is a topic that I have thought about often; who am I without Bipolar disorder, and when is it actually the disorder talking? This is a confusing subject for me as I live in a perpetual mixed episode. I am neither more manic nor am I less depressed. I am both but in a mild fashion. So, does that mean I am stable as one mood state negates the other, or does it mean that symptoms are constantly present in equal measure? It is quite baffling. So, I ran across an article on Psych Central that covered 6 ways to distinguish your real self from the illness. 

From Julie A. Fast, Author and manic-depressive: “One step toward getting to know yourself is knowing your specific symptoms. ‘….you have to figure out what’s bipolar first……write down your symptoms’……Bipolar affects everything from your relationships to your ability to work to how you sleep……Another step in getting to know yourself is sharpening your self-awareness about your thoughts and feelings.” The six ideas below can help you do that, and in the process help you distinguish you from your illness (I  hate that word.)

1. Know Your Baseline: Make a list of how you are when you are not in a mood swing. Who are you when you are well? What’s your personality like? What are your likes and dislikes? What kinds of thoughts do you have? What is your speech like? It is important to let others around you know what your baseline is so they can tell when symptoms are returning because you may not see them as clearly as someone outside the illness. Fast says “You have to teach others what to say or what to do to help you. Be specific about how you would like them to help you.”
2. Explore Your Thoughts And Feelings: Buy a notebook, a pretty journal, start a blog, use a mood state chart, anything to help you begin “documenting” your thoughts and feelings. Deborah Serani, PsyD. is a clinical psychologist who specializes in mood disorders. She states “Research shows that using this ‘Dear Diary’ approach sharpens your self-reflection skills.” Once you figure out what works for you, try to pay attention to how you respond emotionally. For example: do your feelings flow from one to another rapidly? do you experience one big emotion that hangs out for a while? Look in the mirror: does your facialexpressionreveal your emotional state? Write down everything you notice about your feelings and you thoughts.

   

   Bipolar Symptoms

3. Practice Mindfulness: This increases a person’s self-awareness and over time and with practice one can learn to distinguish the sometimes minute differences between normal mood and illness driven mood. Mindfulness also includes acceptance which is “key” for bipolar disorder. Acceptance of our feelings allows us to focus on that particular emotion, and allows us to experience that emotion instead of repressing it which can trigger an avalanche of negative feelings. For example:

“For example, if I feel angry at my mom and I then think “I shouldn’t feel angry with her, she’s my mom,” I might then feel angry at myself for feeling angry; or I might feel sadness or guilt or anxiety about feeling angry.

If, on the other hand, I can simply acknowledge my anger in a nonjudgmental way (“I feel angry at my mom” – period), we don’t trigger other emotions for ourselves. This means that we can think more logically about the emotion because we only have that one emotion to deal with instead of three or four.

Being able to think more logically about the emotion means we have more ability to consider: “Is this emotion a ‘normal’ emotional reaction, or is it part of my illness?”” (Psych Central)

     4.  Chart Your Moods: I think we have all heard this before, and have probably done it. I know I did in the early stages of becoming aware of myself as        a person with a diagnosed mental health issue, and a serious one at that. I had always known that I suffered from depression and anxiety, but                    nothing could have prepared me for being told that I had a severe mood disturbance. I was not relieved to finally know what was up as many people        report. In fact, I felt like something evil had just steamrolled over my life. So, anyway, mood charting is another way to become more aware of your         specific symptoms. There are paper charts, online trackers, and even an app that you can download. Serani mentioned this personal mood chart. For       example, you notice you haven’t needed much sleep and you are feeling excited for no real reason and your ideas are bouncing rapidly from to                   another. It is possible that this is the beginning of a manic or hypomanic episode. Or, perhaps, you are feeling irritable. your temper is a little short,         and you are upset for no discernible reason. This could be the beginning of a depressive episode. These symptoms may have to last a few days in               order to identify them as products of manic-depression, and not just feeling that way due to a situation. For me personally, it is easier to recognize           a manic episode than a depressive one. I can tell when my sleep patterns change. I typically sleep 8 to 9 hours a night, but when I am getting manic,         I  gradually need less and less sleep to the point where I may not sleep at all or, if I do, it will only be a couple of hours.

     5.  Consult Others: In the beginning, ask other people you know well (and who know you well) and trust how they would react to the same situation.        You can also ask others about who they think you are. You can ask what your regular behavior is like, or who they think you are as a person.

      6. Become An Expert On Bipolar Disorder: Develop a deep understanding of your disorder (don’t like that word much either), Serani says. You can do       everything from reading books (check my Books page for some suggestions) to reading articles from reputable sources (read: not pop psychology,             but something from a scholarly journal, for example) to attending workshops and support groups. She states: “When you empower yourself with               information about what symptoms are, how they present, and what to do, you give yourself the gift of enlightenment.”

Understanding Manic-Depression

Separating your self from your illness can be difficult. However, by making yourself aware of your particular symptoms and how they manifest in you (not another Bipolar; we are all as unique as snowflakes), you can get a handle on the difference between what is you and what is manic-depression.

Footnote: Margarita Tartakovsky is an Associate Editor at Psych Central; APA reference Tartakovsky, M. (2013). Bipolar Disorder: 6 Ways To Distinguish Between Yourself & Your Illness.

This Bites…..

I am experiencing that horrible fate that at times overcomes even the most prolific of writers: Writers Block. Its like having a mixed episode with words. The words want to come, they are the most motivated words in the world, but they are also the least motivated words in the world, preferring to laze around in my head while some fictional muscle bound guy feeds them peeled grapes a la Cleopatra. If you had that going for you, would you want to jump out of the warmth of my head onto the coldness of the computer screen? I wouldn’t. I’d stay with the muscle bound grape feeder. And, no, I have gone off the deep end. I did that years ago. I am not even sure what the shallow end looks like.

Writer’s Block

However, in all seriousness, this is just as bad as living in mixed episode world. The words are stuck in my head. They would like to get to their proper home in the WordPress servers, but they lack motivation. They are the most manic and the most depressed little words in the world. Maybe I am having a psychotic break? Nope, that can’t be it, because I know I am not psychotic which rules out psychosis.

Oh, this is worse than manic depression! How can you say that, I hear people saying? Nothing could be worse than severe mental disruption. This, to me, is worse. I have been writing since I was 12 years old. I am now nearing 44 years of age. That’s 32 years of writing about anything and everything. And, now, I get the dreaded Writer’s Block during the Holiday season when I am generally most prolific. I do not like the Holidays for as many reasons as other people who do not like the Holidays.

Arrgghhh! This has to stop. Writing is my release. It is my way of getting my head out of my head (I know that doesn’t seem to make sense, but it works in my world.) So, my head is stuck inside itself which means I am thinking. Generally, when I think, I have to write down what I am thinking so it doesn’t disturb the delicate balance of mixed episode world. If I tilt the world a little to the left, I can go into major depression. I do not like that space. If I tilt to the right, I can go into manic world. I do not like that space either (well, maybe for a day or two, but we all know that mania sticks around longer than that.) Must maintain balance in the world of my head at all costs. I have to be able to walk the tightrope that is the continuous mixed episode. It is the only “normal” that I know. I will not get through the Holidays if this blockage continues.

I have already lost my mind to several psychiatric diagnoses, have to take medication just to get out of the house, have to take medication to make my brain focus, medication for mood stabilization, and one more for depression. Writing is the only thing that keeps me sane, and won’t cause addiction (the anti-anxiety medication, and the one to keep me focused), or cause unwanted side effects like weight gain (mood stabilizers). Writing has always been my constant, my rock when my ocean acts up and the waves stop their gentle rocking, and I get weird. Not that I am not already weird. That was established in grade school. This is a totally different kind of weird. This is an emotional weird, and it is an unpleasant place to be; very uncomfortable, and there aren’t any pillows in this space. There are so many things I need to get out of my head, and I can’t. My brain is stuck in neutral. Hmmphh……

 

On Whether Manic Depression Is A Blessing Or A Curse Or Both

So, this is a question I struggle with periodically. Is Manic Depression a blessing, curse or both? There is no denying that my life has changed immensely both for the good and the bad since being diagnosed in the early 2000’s. But, is my life really worse than it was before? Was I truly happy, or was it a semblance of happiness? Would my life have taken the same path regardless?

Now that I have been practicing Nichiren Buddhism for about 5.5 years, I can honestly say I really do not know. One goal of Nichiren Buddhism is to become indestructibly happy to the core of your being so that you can face the obstacles and struggles that are inherent in life with the knowledge that whatever life is throwing at you you can handle it with maybe not, joy, but not anger or blame either. Which brings me to the question of whether I was happy before the diagnosis, or was I operating under an illusion that I was happy?

Having thought about this quite a bit, I really do not think that I was a happy person before the diagnosis. I had moments of extreme happiness and joy which I do miss primarily because those moments involve someone I miss a great deal. However, in general, I do not think I was what I would call a happy person, and never really had been. I was not a popular student, although I was certainly a very dedicated student throughout Middle School and High School, but I had no close friends or a person that I could take my problems to. I buried them, and not very successfully either. I got better at that, though. Probably not a good thing, but a necessary defense mechanism. I was “odd” in some way, shape or form that kept the other students from wanting to be my friend.

This was my reality until I went to college, and discovered an entirely new world of people my age, older than myself, and all with different life experiences. I was truly happy in college. My therapist thinks I first presented with Bipolar in college (I had already been diagnosed with PTSD), and looking at my transcript, I can see some signs that there may have been a problem with my moods. I dropped in and out a lot, couldn’t decide on a major, and drifted a lot. I dropped out for two years when I was 19 to “sow” my wild oats because I had not had that experience in High School. I got myself in trouble; some of it serious. But, with the help of rehab, and outpatient therapy, I pulled myself back together and went back with a strong determination to find my major and to earn my degree. I met my ex-fiance, and he rekindled my love of bicycling as he was an avid cyclist, and I had always enjoyed cycling. So, yes, I think I was happy in college. I “fit”.

After graduating, I set out to my find my first real job (the kind that pays more than minimum wage, or relies on tips). I landed the second job I applied for with a salary of about $28,000 per year. Although I thoroughly enjoyed what I did for a living, I was not happy with my environment, my boss, and the way I was treated by some of the other employees. To clarify, I was the Payroll Benefits Coordinator for a 200+ employee hospital, and was frequently blamed for people’s paycheck errors. That’s what the time clock is for. To keep track of your hours; if I don’t know if you worked, I cannot pay you. Pretty simple stuff, and most people did it once because I did not go out of my way to get them special checks to cover their mistakes. However, my boss was a micro-manager and I do not function well under constant scrutiny. So, I was very unhappy with that aspect. Then, I was asked to resign after I made a mistake that in retrospect was a pretty big one. They kept me on to train my replacement. That was my first go around with almost unbearable anxiety, and prescriptions for Xanax. Fortunately, I found a position at the University doing the same type of job for about the same salary. I was over the moon! I was back at my beloved University. It was during my tenure at the University that I had the breakdown that led me to seek out a therapist.

Our whole office was under extreme stress for reasons that are too complicated to explain. I found myself doing the job of two people, and working 12 to 14 hours per day. It was here that I met the individual that was probably as close to a soul mate as I have ever found. He made me happy, and therefore the environment was bearable. Then I melted down, and after about 6 months of weekly therapy, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II disorder, and then bipolar Type I with Psychotic tendencies. My world came to a screeching halt. I was once again fired, and this time was very different because now I was clinically mentally ill. I became very unhappy, and became a “frequent flyer” at the mental health unit of a local hospital. I was up, i was down, I was drinking…..heavily. My whole world turned on its head again.

At this time, I would say that Manic Depression was most definitely a curse. The doctors were trying to stabilize me, and onto the med-go-round I hopped. Most of what I can remember about that time is very fuzzy as the doctors tried one medication after another attempting to return my moods to something resembling normal. I was very depressed, frequently drunk, and just as frequently, suicidal. I just could not see any way out of the hole I had fallen into. My whole life revolved around doctor’s appointments, medications that didn’t work or caused unacceptable side effects. I was miserable. I was most definitely caught in the “Why me?” trap. So, yes, I would say the first 4 to 5 years were a curse. And, then I reached the point I call stable madness. I was still a danger to myself, and now I had the means, and I used them. Then one evening, I took a full prescription for Geodon (an anti-psychotic) and one of Welbutrin (an anti-depressant), and I waited. Then the drugs started to kick in, and I got very frightened because I could feel in my gut that I had gotten it right (or wrong) this time. I called 911, and told the dispatcher what I had taken and how much, and the paramedics were there in about 5 minutes. I was taken to the nearest emergency room where they put about 8 IV’s in me trying to flush the now digested medications. I almost died that night. I made a pact that evening that if the Universe and everything in it that was divine that if it allowed me to live through this with no ill effects, I would never do it again. The 6 year anniversary of that pact is approaching in July. I have been suicidal since, but you do not break pacts made with the Universe so I have never tried again regardless of how much I wanted to. My whole view on life changed during the time I was hospitalized following the successful revival of my life.

Not long after I made this pact, I was introduced to Nichiren Buddhism. At first, I thought the practice was weird, and the tenets difficult to understand. But, I kept at it sensing that something greater than myself was at work. I have never been religious, but I have always been spiritual. As I gradually learned more and more, and began to be able to say the prayers more easily, I started to feel better. This was entirely foreign to me. Something was working. I was becoming grounded, I was becoming more stable. I began to ride again. I wanted to see and meet people. I was beginning to think that perhaps life was worth living if only to practice and study Buddhism. I began to see that my previous trials and difficulties had left me with a gift; I was becoming appreciative and grateful for things and people I had taken for granted. I was having more good days than bad. And, the most peculiar of all, my ability to sense when another person was hurting or struggling in their life was becoming heightened. I began to think of others ahead of myself. I still had to vigilantly monitor my moods, but I was becoming less restless and dissatisfied. I became the Vice Women’s Division leader for a group of fellow Buddhists, and then the Women’s Division leader. Things were becoming okay. I was beginning to accept my illness, and think of it less as an illness but as something medically treatable.

It was about 2 years into my practice that I began to understand the practice as being essential to my life, and to my satisfaction with the cards I had been dealt. This is about the time I began to wonder if Manic Depression was a blessing, a curse, or both. Today, and the reason I wrote this, is that I realized that it is both. It is a blessing in that I have learned to appreciate and be grateful for the things and people in my life who make my life worth living. It is a blessing in that I have learned that I am not nearly as bad off as others I have met. And, it is a blessing that I have realized that I truly enjoy helping relieve others of their pain even if it is just a little bit and for a short time. It is a curse in that my moods still fluctuate though not nearly as badly as they once did, that I will be on medication for the rest of my life, and that I will still experience bone crushing depressions from time to time and that I will still have a desire to end my life at those times. So, I have finally answered my question: yes, I am a happy person today. I am alive. No, I am not always surfing the perfect sine wave, but that is okay because the sine wave always comes back. Sometimes, it just hangs out off shore for a while.

Blog For Mental Health 2014

I will start with the words of the founder of this project: “I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.” 

About 13 years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I with Psychotic Tendencies, PTSD, ADD, Panic Disorder with and without Agoraphobia, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I already knew about the PTSD. I could have diagnosed myself. I had been suffering from symptoms since I was a few months past my 16th birthday when I was sexually assaulted by my “boyfriend”. I was officially diagnosed when I was 20. I have never received counseling for this event, nor have I talked about it with anyone. Perhaps, that is why the symptoms of PTSD linger. I have become used to the now occasional nightmare, the hyper-alertness, the jumping when someone or a noise startles me; it is just how I live. I have also lived with the anxiety disorders for most of my life. I can remember feeling anxious as far back as age 6. I used to make myself sick because I would become so anxious about something as “simple” as going to school.

The depression that I have suffered since about the same age is what I guess became Bipolar disorder. My paternal grandmother was manic-depressive and brilliant, but abusive as she was more often than not in a manic phase. From what research I have done, I understand that one can be predisposed to the illness. I feel bad for her as she was manic-depressive when there was no such thing, and no treatment for it. Lithium did not become approved for the treatment of manic-depression until 1972, and by then she was displaying the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She was a brilliant woman as so many mentally interesting people are. She was an accomplished oil-painter who did one woman shows at museums around New Mexico. She had a Master’s in Mathematics from SCU. She was one of the most interesting people I have ever known. I sleep underneath a beautiful painting of lilacs every night, and I see it right before I turn out the light and marvel at her ability. I have tried to paint. It is not my milieu. Writing is the one thing I have consistently done well throughout my lifetime. I received my first journal at the age of 12, and have been writing my life, thoughts, opinions, and what not down for over thirty years. 

When I was first diagnosed with manic-depression or Bipolar disorder, I was diagnosed as a type II as my therapist did not feel that I had experienced a full-blown manic episode. She felt that my mania was confined to hypo-mania, but the more I talked, the harder she listened, and she came to believe that what she had initially thought were hypo-manic episodes were, in fact, mild manic episodes. I experienced a lot of bouncing thoughts, I was hyper-sexual, I self-medicated and had done so for many years, I took many risks with my health and relationships, I had no control over money; basically my life was constantly on the brink of complete and utter ruin due to manic behavior. I was also depressed a good deal of the time. Where the psychosis occurred, I have no idea. But, then that is the nature of psychosis; you do not know that you are psychotic. 

I have been hospitalized numerous times both voluntarily because I did not feel safe around myself, and “involuntarily” because others felt I was a danger to myself. I saw many different manifestations of Bipolar disorder, I saw people with Schizophrenia, people who were just psychotic for whatever reason, and I saw people who were simply depressed, had attempted suicide or were afraid that they would. When you are in the hospital, everyone is “crazy” which is a term I really do not like. I do not consider myself or others “crazy”, “nuts” or any other moniker the public chooses to attach to us. What I see are people fighting very hard to maintain some semblance of normalcy in their lives. We know we are different than “normal” people. But, that begs the question, how are “normal” people different from us? There are some pretty odd “normal” people out there. The only difference seems to be they can hide it better than most of us not so normal people can.

So, yes, I have been a frequent flyer at the mental hospital here. I was verging on alcoholism, and when I was drunk, it always seemed a good idea to take all my medication. I had a very difficult time adjusting to the diagnosis. I lost my job, I couldn’t work because the medications they gave me had horrible side effects for me, I couldn’t go to school for the same reasons. As far as I was concerned, my life was over. The only that had to be done was the physical taking of my life. And, every single time I tried, something pulled me back and I would call 911. I have done this somewhere between 11 or 12 times since I was 16, with most of the attempts coming after the diagnosis of Bipolar type 1. Like I said earlier in the paragraph, as far as I was concerned life was over, and the only thing left to do was get rid of the body and the mind.

After I came to grips with my diagnosis, and was on an effective medication plan, I realized how much grief I had put my family through. I do not believe that even at my lowest point that I could rival in feeling how my mother and my father must have felt. They were sure that some day I would succeed and they would lose their first child to a mental disorder. Children are not supposed to die before their parents. Especially when they are in their 30’s. I was an adult, not a child, not a teenager. I should have been able to control it better. Interesting thought I just had. At the time, I felt that my life had fallen apart and I was justified in dying by my own hand. Now, years later, I feel that I should have been able to control myself. I still have Bipolar disorder. I am still medicated, and have been seeing psychiatrists and the same psychologist for over 10 years, yet my statement feeds directly into the stigma that I try so hard to fight. That’s weird. I still have suicidal thoughts, I still wonder if everyone would be better off if I was dead; these thoughts are still with me, yet I feel I should be able to control them. Bipolar is not controlled, it is managed. There is a difference. 

At any rate, this is getting too long. I have not really experienced any real stigma from the outside world; even from people I have told that I do not know well. But, I am very well versed in hiding it when I am in public. The real stigma has come from a corner I would never have seen, and that is my family. My father does not talk to me or see me anymore. It has been 4 years since I have seen him, and the same since I have talked to him. Surprisingly, he called and left a message on my birthday. I did not call him back. He emailed and texted on Christmas. Out of consideration for his efforts I responded albeit rather impersonally. My uncle and his wife have not invited me to any family gathering in a number of years. My cousins don’t know where I live or have a working phone number for me. I am the oldest granddaughter. My last grandmother died last year. She was the glue that held the family together. She never made me feel different. She was very Christian, and believed that God made us exactly the way we were supposed to be. Everyone else, on the other hand, has made me to feel ostracized except my mom and her husband’s family. So, what I would have expected  from society came from a totally blind corner: my family. But, I guess they are part of society, too, and have their own thoughts about mental illness.

Anxiety And Manic Depression ~ Symptom or Separate Diagnosis?

English: signs and symptoms ptsd (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

English: Emil Kraepelin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Since I suffer from both Manic-Depression and a couple of anxiety disorders (PTSD and Panic disorder with and without Agoraphobia), I was curious as to whether anxiety is a symptom of Manic-Depression or if it is a completely separate diagnosis. What I found were conflicting opinions on this subject. Most of my research on this subject came from the Journal of Affective Disorders v. 68, issue 1.

In 1921, Dr. Emil Kraeplin originally described the illness Bipolar depression, and declared that anxiety is a symptom of the illness. He described it as an “anxious mania” or an “excited depression.” However, he described anxiety as a specific symptom of Manic-Depression. All of this needed qualifying as anxiety is not generally thought to be one of the symptoms of Manic-Depression.

However, as reported by Freeman, Freeman & McElroy in a study done at the University of Cincinnati, Biological Psychiatry Department, Department of Psychiatry, anxiety is found both as a symptom of Manic-Depression and as a separate disorder. They state that “symptoms of anxiety as well as Anxiety disorders commonly occur in patients with Bipolar disorder. However, the pathophysiologic, theoretical and clinical significance has not been widely studied.” 

Their methods were to study the existing literature on the subject compiling information as they went. They examined the epidemiological and clinical studies that have been done on the overlap of Bipolar disorder and Anxiety disorders with their main emphasis being on Panic disorder and Obsessive Compulsive disorder or OCD , and to a lesser degree Social Phobia and PTSD. Data on potential neural mechanisms and treatment response were also reviewed.

What Freeman, Freeman, & McElroy found was that an increasing number of epidemiological studies have determined that Bipolar disorder significantly co-occurs with Anxiety disorders at a higher rate than in the general population. Clinical studies have also demonstrated a high comorbidity between Bipolar disorder and Panic disorder, OCD, Social phobia, and PTSD. They state that psychobiological mechanisms that may account for the higher rates of Anxiety disorders in patients with Bipolar disorder, and that they like involve a “complicated interplay among various neurotransmitter systems. particularly Norepinephrine, Dopamine, Gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), and Serotonin, The studies further theorize that secondary messenger system, Inositol, may also be involved. Not knowing what inositol is, I did some further research. Okay, that was fascinating, however, I did not realize that I would be delving into some very complex neural chemistry involving molecules, cell membranes, and what not. The researcher, Earl Wilbur Sutherland, jr.,  who discovered the “secondary messenger” system in the brain won the Nobel Prize in Medicine in 1971, and the two researchers, Martin Redbell and Alfred G. Gilman, who discovered the mechanisms for the secondary messenger system won the Nobel Prize in 1994. So, having been raised by a man who spent his entire research and teaching career investigating the nature of cells or “histology,” I can sort of get what they are talking about with the cellular stuff, but the chemistry is beyond me. All of the following is from Wikipedia with notations of the researchers where possible.

So, I’ll start with Inositol. Inositol is a carbohydrate though not in the classical sense of a sugar. It reportedly has a taste about half that of table sugar. “Myo”-inositol plays a very important role as the structural basis for a number of “secondary messenger” systems in eukaryotic cells (an organism with a nucleus and other structures contained within a membrane; they first developed about 1.6-2.1 billion years ago).

Now, I am going to try to explain what a “secondary messenger” system is. First of all, the neurotransmitters Dopamine, Serotonin, Norepinephrine, etc. constitute the “primary messenger” system. The “secondary messenger” system is composed of molecules that convey signals from receptors on the cell surface to target molecules within the cell generally located within the cytoplasm or nucleus of the target cell. They relay the signals of hormones such as epinephrine (adrenaline), growth factor and others, and cause some type of change within the target cell. These molecules also greatly amplify the strength of the initial signal. There are several different secondary messenger systems, however, they are all very similar in mechanism. In all cases, a neurotransmitter binds itself to a membrane-spanning receptor protein molecule (in other words, the neurotransmitter has locked itself into a receptor cell much like a lock and key. The receptor cell is membrane-spanning in that there can be transference between the neurotransmitter and the receptor). The binding of the neurotransmitter to the receptor changes the receptor and cause it to open a binding site for a g-protein (don’t ask me) which is a transducer, or a “signal” molecule that operates much like a switch does. The g-protein is either GDP or GTP which are respectively, guanosine diphosphate and guanosine triphosphate. Now we are into the chemistry, and I really have no clue, but this is how it works. Once the g-protein is bound to the inner membrane of the cell, it creates three subunits: alpha, beta, and gamma. It is then able to exchange a GDP molecule for a GTP molecule. Once this has occurred, the alpha subunit breaks free from the beta and gamma subunits and is free to travel around the inner membrane of the cell it has bound to; the remaining beta and gamma subunits remain membrane bound. The alpha subunit eventually contacts with another membrane bound protein (the primary effector) and this produces an action that creates a signal that can diffuse a cell or, in other words move across the membrane. This signal is called the secondary messenger system. Now that we are all confused (remember the scientists who worked all of this out won Nobel Prizes) let’s go back to inositol and its potential psychiatric uses.

Fractured

Everything is fractured.

My mind is fractured by illness.

My life is fractured by suspicion , the past and self-doubt.

My heart is fractured by love won and lost.

My world is fractured like a jigsaw puzzle dropped to the ground.

I Hate Having Bipolar Disorder

Rethink Mental Illness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I would like another diagnosis, please. I absolutely hate having manic depression. I never know how I am going to feel when I wake up in the morning. Some days I just want to stay in bed for days. I forget to bathe, wash my hair, and the thought of even attempting household chores is overwhelming. I never know when I am going to say something hurtful, or inappropriate given the nature of the situation. I feel as if I overreact to simple problems. Quite frankly, this illness scares me. I never know when an episode, either manic or, more often, depressive is going to occur. I am usually well into the episode before I recognize it for what it is.  

I think too much about how my emotions would go away if I were just able to build up the cowardice to end my life. But, I can’t do that. I have seen firsthand the effects that death by suicide cause in a family. When I was about 25, my then fiance’s sister committed suicide. The family was never the same. Everyone blamed someone else for not recognizing the warning signs. They were all there, mental illness, anorexia, alcoholism. But none the less, her father blamed her mother, her mother secretly blamed herself, her brother blamed both his parents and his dead sister. Everyone felt guilty that they hadn’t been able to stop her, but she had taken all the pills she took in the early morning while she was drunk and everyone was asleep. She said nothing until around noon, and by then it was too late, her mother and I took her to the nearest ER, and she couldn’t walk, stand alone, or function. She could not breathe on her own and was put on a respirator. She died around 8:30 that night when the aspirin she took finally stopped her heart. So, that option is a non-option even with the issues I have had as of late. 

So, yes, I would like a new diagnosis. This bipolar thing does not work for me. It makes me angry that I am set apart from so-called normal people just because my emotions fluctuate differently, and often, irrationally. It makes me sad because I used to be so functional, or so I thought. I probably was just stuck in delusion of efficacy in my life. Now, I have to have structure in my life: sleep at the same time every night, regular feedings, stable people (who can tolerate me). I have to be able to tolerate myself. When I was a teenager, it was much easier, I could chalk the mood swings up to hormonal changes. Now, I have no excuse. I have been labeled mentally ill, and it is up to me to manage my illness.

Being labeled pisses me off too. It is not like am Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: then I would have a completely different label. Honestly the whole thing about being labeled mentally ill just creates a bunch of misconceptions: you have to walk on eggshells around me (no you don’t, just give it to me straight,  am going to like or dislike what you say regardless of bipolar), everything I do stems from illness (no, it does not. Sometimes I am happy or sad or angry or whatever because that is how I am feeling at the moment), the illness runs my life (no, it does not normally run my life except when I am experiencing an episode). So may misconceptions. They make me angry, sad that people shy away from me, lonely, feeling abandoned, neglected, and truly unwanted.

Having a “mental” illness is so much different than having a “physical” illness like heart disease, or renal failure. For some reason people are less afraid of people suffering with medical problems. But, often, mental illness is medical and lies in a chemical imbalance in the brain. Once the right combinations of medications are found, and the person afflicted has a good therapist, and, in my opinion, a firm grounding in a faith that suits them, symptoms often fade and do not recur as often.

I sincerely believe that the “de-institutionalization” movement that started in the 1960’s has had an extremely deleterious effect on how people with mental illnesses are

The Madhouse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

treated and viewed by society. Many of those who were completely stable in the rigidly regulated hospital environment were released to promised community mental health clinics. In most cases, these clinics were never built, so many psychotic people or people predisposed to psychosis were released on to the streets of the communities near the hospitals. They were not being treated at community clinics, and the wonder drug, Thorazine, was proving to be less than wonderful. It made the patient sluggish and had horrible side effects. So, people stopped taking it, and within days were psychotic again. Now that they are psychotic, and out of touch with the reality of their illness, are they going to know to seek treatment? No, because to them, their world is reality. So, they remain psychotic. Many state laws makes it impossible to involuntarily commit a mentally ill person, they have the right to refuse treatment. As a result, when many people think of mental illness, they think of the people who are homeless, and walk around having conversations with themselves (or they could be on their bluetooth, it is hard to distinguish these days 🙂 ).

Any way, enough of my ranting and raving over the state of affairs for the mentally ill in this culture. I do that on a regular basis. But it just seems to me that we, as a culture, are afraid of the term “mental illness,” when in fact when properly treated, most people can live productive lives. This is not to say that symptoms can’t  arise, usually as a result of stress, and wreak some havoc. But, for the treated individual, this is far less likely to happen. most people know someone who has a mental illness, and is probably hiding it to avoid the stigma that goes with the label. It is the costume of normalcy that we are forced to wear, and I for one, can’t stand that. I have Manic Depression and that is what I have to deal with daily. I really wish more people would come out of their normalcy suits, and tell the world they have a mental illness, but this is who I really am. I am not my illness. My illness is just one part of me and who I am. Then, stigma would begin to reduce as more and more “normal” people realize they know someone with a mental illness. There are millions of us.