It All Started At Birth (Ages 12-16) Warning: Potential Trigger

I left the telling of this long story about how I came to experience madness at the age of 12. As I mentioned in the first part of this tale, this was the beginning of my series of trial and error attempts at killing myself. This one would be the first attempt. I used ammonia to try and poison myself after being reprimanded for cursing at the explosion of the soda bottle upon opening it. At the time, I was prepubescent, very emotional, unhappy at school, and had a general sense that something must be wrong with me due to the fact that I reacted to most things with emotion rather than rational thought. A rational person would not have done what I did in reaction to being reprimanded, however, I think it was a result of built up tension and the anxiety that I constantly felt. I was never good enough. I never could seem to reach the bars set for me by both my parents, and the even higher bars I set for myself. I literally set myself up to fail. I didn’t see that at the time, though. However, it is still a very early age to be contemplating suicide, and impulsively carrying the thoughts into reality. That should have been a warning signal to the adults in my world that something was off kilter about how I perceived the world and my reactions to it. It took the Principal of my middle school/junior high school calling a parent-student meeting, and explaining that I was having trouble with school, that I was being bullied, and seemed socially isolated (which I was). So, my first suicide attempt didn’t appear to have set off warning bells in the adult’s brains, but my behavior at school did, and led to my first therapist. 

The first therapist I saw was truly no match for me in every sense of the word “match”. She was a rather large woman who complained constantly that she had to go to Dallas, Texas to purchase clothing as there were no stores in this city that catered to the “plus-size” professional woman. At 12, I saw a logical answer to the having to go to Dallas to buy clothes: Lose weight. Seemed logical to me, so, upon having learned that my parents had seen fit to tell her that I still sucked my thumb (I did up until a few years ago while I slept, but not while I was awake), and her telling me I was too old for that behavior, I told her I would make a deal with her. If she stopped complaining about the shopping issue she had and lost some weight, then I would make a conscious effort to stop sucking my thumb. Seemed reasonable to me, but apparently it was an offensive bargain to her. That was the last time I saw her. That was the last time I saw anyone for about 4 years. Apparently, I was not cut out for therapy, at least at that time in my life. The next 4 years would be integral in shaping who and what I became for the next 20 years, give or take a few on either side.

I found myself at the age of 12 nearing my 13th birthday taking tests to get into a private school. My parents had decided to remove me from the public school system so that I would be more intellectually challenged (I was really bored at school), and so I would not be knocked around by the other kids. I had no idea that I was going to have to learn to swim with sharks. I remember the first day of school at the “new and improved” private school. My father brought my younger sister and myself to school early that morning. I was crying and telling him that I wanted to be taken back to my old school, that I didn’t want to be at this much smaller and “elite” private school.  I think that somehow my instincts were telling me that I was a bad fit for this school; that I had better get back to my old school where the violence was physical and not psychological. I knew how to handle physical violence. I was ill prepared for what these kids could dish out. I somehow just knew that everything about me from the clothes I wore to the music I listened to was about to go under the magnifying glass, and that I would not pass muster. I was right. I did not pass go, and I did not collect $200.00. My clothes were all wrong, where I shopped was all wrong, my hair wasn’t right. and I most definitely listened to the wrong music (I just couldn’t get on the 80’s British New Wave invasion train; I was a rocker, not a whiner).

This was where it started to get really bad. If I thought that what I had endured for the past few years was bad, I was so very, very wrong. I was in the shark pool now, and I did not know how to swim. I was now at the mercy of a bunch of rich kids who thought money could buy everything including people as long as they were worth buying. I was not worth much therefore I had few friends for the first year. It did not help that I left school for three months to travel to Japan to live for a few months. When I left in early January of that year, everything was fine. When I returned to school later that year in the spring, everything was different, and tense. My few friends were not really my friends anymore. Or at least that is how it felt. I had yet to experience what they were really capable of doing to a person. I found that out a couple of months into my freshman year where I became an “Upper” class student (yes, this school was that bad. You didn’t go to high school, you became an “upper” class student, and those below you were “lower”class students. Caste system?). 

When I was 14, I was a “popular” kid for about 2 months of the very beginning of the school year. Then I said the wrong thing to the right person, and everything changed overnight. I had no idea that sharks had a calling tree. Go figure? I went to school the next morning, and I had no friends at all. I started receiving phone calls at random times after school with the voice at the other end wondering why my mother hadn’t had an abortion, why I didn’t just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery, and other choice things. I began to have anxiety attacks whenever the phone rang. Being ignored at school made it even worse. Most people do not consider ignoring a person as a form of psychological warfare, but it is, in fact, a very effective tool that can really make a person question their worth. Thus began the first major depressive episode. I did not talk to people including my parents, I did not eat, I slept all the time, and I had some physical symptom as well.

Eventually, I made friends with a girl who had been a freshman when I was in 8th grade. She had returned to this elitist, preppy hell of a school after something happened in another school. She was in my computer class, and was continually falling asleep in class for a reason I did not know. I just thought it was weird. as it turned out she and I shared musical tastes, and that was enough to start a friendship that lasts to this day. She knew the guy I really liked who worked at the big video and record store back in 1986, when I was much younger and much less “experienced” than I am now (yes, I returned the vinyl recording of Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” four times claiming there was a scratch on it just so I could see this long-haired rocker guy…..I had it that bad). She introduced me to him, and I was beside myself. With her I began to hang around a completely different crowd; people who were odd just like me. I met a guy I liked, and we became boyfriend and girlfriend.

Then the worst thing in the world happened. I was at his apartment, and no one else was home. We were fooling around on the couch and somehow found my self on my back with tugging my jeans off. He assaulted me that night. I was just barely 16 and a virgin. Afterwards, he thanked me. how sick is that when you have just raped your girlfriend. I told him that I was a virgin, asked him why he was all bloody, and then I backhanded him so hard his head whipped around. I got home to find my parents waiting for me, however, I think I will stop here and post the next installment soon……

I Seem To Be More Agitated Than I Thought (Damn Mixed Episode) ~ Warning: Profanity

So, I have been experiencing the dreaded “mixed” episode for about a month now. This one has been particularly bad. The last one I had that even comes close was 8 years ago. The main problem with the mixed episode is that you cannot medicate yourself out of it the same way that you can a psychotic or manic episode. Depressive episodes are a category all their own. I would gladly give a body part for this to go away. The main problem with the mixed episode is that you are stuck between mania and depression. Your sleep habits change, your eating habits change, your whole structured life is ruined; this helps the mania, but does little for the depression.

I am freaking annoyed and pissed off at people for no other reason than that they cannot seem to understand that I am trying as hard as I can just to survive this. Another one of my little tells that let me know where I am on the Richter scale: Am I listening to Alice in Chains? And…….wait for it……wait for it…….the answer is yes. My absolute all-time favorite I am pissed off at the world so I am going to listen to songs that are as angry as I am. Yes, I realize this is childish. But, so is contemplating the amount of medication I have at my disposal. No, I am not suicidal, so do not get your panties in a bunch. I am just exceedingly tired of feeling like this. I am tired of presenting the happy face to the world. I am tired of pretending that I am not really that sick so people will leave me alone, I am just tired. What a cliche ~ I am sick and tired. Except it is true. I am sick. I am tired. It takes a lot energy to appear as if you are in remission (because it never really goes away, now, does it?) or at least to appear to be functioning, and that you do not mind that everything about your life is fucked.

Yeah, I can pretty cheerfully say, “Oh, I really do not mind having no car in a city where public transportation is a joke” or “No, I don’t mind hauling 50 pounds of food on foot one mile to my apartment” and “No, I really don’t mind living on $6.00 an hour”. I can easily and believably say all this bullshit, because that is what it is. Bullshit comes easy to me. If I can make the head of Children’s Psychiatric services at the University Hospital here believe that I am okay and that I don’t need to see him anymore, and then turn around two weeks later and try to kill myself (I was 16, and it was my first serious attempt), then I can make anybody believe anything. This guy was supposed to be a professional. I also had convinced that I didn’t do drugs as I sat stoned in his office. Am I that good, or was he just that stupid?I think, personally, he was just that stupid, because I sure as hell am not that good. 

And, I am tired and absolutely sick of people telling me I need to get a car, and a job. Well, people, if I had a normal fucking brain like the rest of the sheep on this planet who want nothing more than a 9 to 5 job, a house, 2.5 kids, and a dog, then maybe I wouldn’t get fired from every job I have ever held. I have been fired from a Temp agency. How the fuck do you accomplish that? How many people do you know that have been fired not just from the temp assignment, but from the agency itself? I mean, that takes skill. Serious skill.

How many people can honestly believe that I do not want to work? I have taken to talking to myself just to keep myself from going absolutely insane as opposed to the semi-sane state that I am currently in. Why can’t people see that? What is it that makes the people in my life so fucking blind that they can’t see that I am pretending to be well? I am not well. I am manic, I am depressed. Come on people, I don’t sense things the same way you do. My perception of emotion is fucked up. I don’t just have a bad day, I have bad years. I don’t have good days. I rise to heights that would scare tightrope walkers and I spend weeks there. And, somebody wants to employ that combination? What the fuck planet are you from? I do not even want to live that combination, but here I am, living it as successfully as I know how. Fuck you all…….get back to me when I am well…..or maybe when you are not operating under some delusion that I am just like everyone else. Everyone else does not see the world through a chemical cocktail designed to keep you as level as possible. Everyone else does not have wild, unpredictable mood swings. Everyone else is not addicted to anti-anxiety drugs that you take just to get through the day without having some form of panic attack. Everyone else is not on anti-psychotics that are supposed to keep you grounded to this planet, and wreak havoc on your body.

Come on, you fucking normal people, try to get a clue about the different people in this world and your life. I am sick of fucking “normal” people telling me what to do. Just because I look “normal” with my painted nails, made-up face, straightened hair, and well thought out clothing choices does not mean that I am anywhere near freaking “normal”. I am just a well-groomed freak. I am a well-groomed waste of space. But, at least I am well-groomed. That’s not even funny. Talk to me about being “normal” when the voices in my head have stopped talking, and my moods are not on a see-saw. I do not even know where I am going to be on the scale from moment to moment, let alone for my whole life. Yeah, I am fucking employable. At least, I don’t have any more monkeys on my back. That may be the only healthy thing about me right now. Please get a clue, step outside for a minute and realize that I am pretending to be okay. I am most definitely not okay. Far from it.  But, I will be. I always am. Because I have to be. I apparently have no choice.

 

What Exactly Is Bipolar Disorder? Part Two

This section covers diagnosis and treatments:

Part Two:

Diagnosis

Bipolar disorder operates on a spectrum that includes four types. To be diagnosed with any form of Bipolar disorder, one must meet the criteria set out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder (the DSM).

1. Bipolar I Disorder ~ defined by manic or mixed episodes that last for more than a week, or by manic symptoms so severe hospitalization is required. There is usually a depressive episode lasting longer than 2 weeks. This is the “classic” form of the illness
2. Bipolar II Disorder ~ characterized by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but no full-blown manic or mixed episodes.
3. Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (BP-NOS) ~ used when symptoms of  Type I or Type II are not present, but the behavior is clearly not within the normal range for that person.
4. Cyclothymic Disorder, or Cyclothymia ~ a mild form of Bipolar Disorder (there has been some talk as to whether to include this in the Bipolar Spectrum). It is used when the person has episodes of hypomania as well as mild depression for at least 2 years. The symptoms do not meet the criteria for Bipolar Disorder as laid out in the DSM.

Since people are more likely to seek out treatment when depressed, the diagnosing clinician should take a very specific medical history to avoid a misdiagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. People who what they refer to as Unipolar Depression do not have manic or hypomanic episodes.

Bipolar Disorder can get worse with time if left untreated. Episodes may be more frequent or more intense. In addition, delays in getting the correct diagnosis can lead to significant personal, social and work-related problems (oh, how well I know that having been fired from 2 jobs before being correctly diagnosed with Type I Bipolar). Proper treatment of the illness can help reduce the frequency and intensity of the episodes making it possible for a person with manic-depresseive illness able to lead a full and productive life.

Substance abuse is high among Bipolars although the reasons for the connection are not clear. The working hypothesis is that people are self-medicating. Taking CNS inhibitors like alcohol or certain groups of pills to bring themselves down, and using stimulants when feeling depressed.

Anxiety Disorders such as PTSD, social phobia and generalized anxiety often co-occur in people with Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is also co-morbid with ADHD/ADD which both mimic some of the symptoms of Bipolar like restlessness or an inability to focus. I am one such lucky individual to have the PTSD, Social Phobias, and ADD. Makes for an interesting ride sometimes.

Treatments

Now we get into the fun stuff: medication, or the “med-go-round” as I have named it. Bipolar Disorder cannot be cured but it can be effectively managed. Proper treatment can help many people ~even those with the most severe forms ~ manage their mood swings and the resulting behavior. As it is a lifelong illness, treatment is an ongoing long-term process and even those who have most successfully recovered may have continued albeit not as intense mood swing and changes in behavior. The NIMH funded “Systematic Treatment Enhancement Program for Bipolar Disorder (STEP-BD)” is the largest study ever conducted on Bipolar Disorder. It found that almost half of those who had recovered still had lingering symptoms, and having additional mental disorders increased the chance of relapse (no wonder I cannot hold down a job).

Treatment is most effective when the patient works closely with his or her doctor and there is open and honest communication about medication and how the patient feels they are doing on it. The most effective treatment plan usually includes medication and psychotherapy.

Medication

This is where the patient gets turned into a guinea pig. I am really not kidding. Finding the right medications to stabilize a person’s mood and therefore their behavior is a really un-fun (yes, I know that’s not a word) proposition. There are many different types of medication used for the treatment of Bipolar Disorder. One suggestion for the early phases of medicating a person is to have the patient log their moods, sleep patterns, and “life events”/stress/anxiety and tell the psychiatrist about side effects, especially if they become intolerable, or if your moods change for the worst. That will give the clinician an idea of what’s working and what’s not working. Although, my experience with the first go at medication had me on 6 different medications. How could they tell what worked and what didn’t? I eventually found a psychiatrist who thinks the way I do about medication. The fewer to accomplish the goal, the better.

There are a few basic types of medication used to treat Bipolar Disorder. They include mood stabilizers like Lithium, atypical antipsychotics like Abilify, and anti-depressants although one has to be careful with that class of medication as it can provoke a manic episode and/or increase mood cycling.

Lithium is the mood stabilizer of choice when a person first steps on the med-go-round. Lithium is a trace element that everyone needs to live, but in much higher doses, it is an effective mood stabilizer. Unless you are allergic to it as I am. Then, it does nothing for your mood because you are feeling like you have the flu all the time. Essentially, you are being poisoned. But, it does work for a lot of people. It was the first of the mood stabilizers to be approved for use by the FDA in the 1970’s for treating both mania and depression.

Anti-convulsants are also used as mood stabilizers although their primary purpose is to treat seizures associated with Epilepsy or other seizure disorders. The ones most commonly used are Depakote, which was approved in 1995 although there are special risk factors for younger women, Lamictal which can be effective in treating depression but comes with a “black box” warning that it may have serious side effects such as Steven-Johnson Disease which can be fatal. The anti-convulsant category comes with the FDA warning that use may increase suicidal ideation and behavior. Tried both of the above and side effects were intolerable, and didn’t need to be more suicidal than I already was. Doctors and patients need to closely monitor the effects of the anti-convulsants for any mood changes for the worse, and suicidal thoughts and/or behavior.

All of the medications in the category “mood stabilizer” have lengthy lists of side effects including dry mouth, bloating, restlessness, joint or muscle pain, and others. Other common side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, headaches, mood swings and cold-like symptoms. Medication is fun!

Atypical anti-psychotics (the new breed of Thorazine without the drooling) are sometimes used to stabilize mood and behavior. The most prominent are Zyprexa usually used with an antidepressant to control mania and psychosis, Abilify used for manic or mixed episodes, and Seroquel, Resperidal, and Geodon also used to treat mania.

I currently take 30 mg of Abilify each morning, with Welbutrin and Klonopin (for anxiety), and 500 mg of Seroquel at night as it knocks me out cold for a good 9 hours (see post on Waking up On Seroquel). Geodon is worse. Won’t take it, don’t even try.

The side effects of atypical antipsychotics are not nearly as bad as their predecessors. First of all, don’t drive until you know how they affect you (I once had the world tilt 90 degrees while at the grocery store, and I had driven my car there. That was not cool). The list of side effects for the atypicals is fairly short: drowsiness, dizziness upon standing, blurred vision, rapid heartbeat, sun sensitivity, and a couple of others.

I am going to skip the anti-depressant category because most people have either taken one of  them personally or know someone who does. The only problem with using them for Bipolar depression is mood switching and rapid cycling of moods.

 

Just Finished a New Book About How To Manage Bipolar Symptoms

BiPolar – What’s Up? – Dunno, I’m kinda Down (Photo credit: Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton)

I am sure that most people in the Bipolar world have heard of Julie Fast. She has been living with Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar II with psychotic features for about 15 + years. It’s not that far away from my own diagnosis of Bipolar I with psychotic features except i am usually in a mixed state which is just the worst. You are the most motivated depressed person and the least motivated manic person. They sort of bleed into one another.

Anyway, the book is Bipolar Happens! and it has a very unique outlook on managing Bipolar symptoms such as anxiety (I knew there was a connection), depression, mania, paranoia, and other subtle symptoms of Bipolar.

She starts the book with that familiar saying and complaint: “I just want to be normal.” She states that people are often taken aback by that statement. People often ask “What is normal?” or “is anyone really normal?” which personally I would find somewhat offensive because there is such a thing as “not normal.” She states it is not normal to not be able to hold a job for more than two years (hmmm, been there), or taking 8 years to finish college (hmmm, been there too). She says it is not normal to hear voices that tell you that you are worthless and you should just die.

She states in return to these statements that everyone is abnormal to some degree, but there are normal people out there. She knows that because she knows what it means to be NOT normal as I suspect many people with mental interestingness would attest to. She points out that “normal” people think about one or two thoughts at a time, not twenty (flight of ideas) whirling around inside your brain. Ms. Fast writes that it is not normal to break down every behaviour looking for the negative meaning. It isn’t about hearing voices that tell you that you’ll never amount to anything so why bother trying (I have experienced those voices for many, many years, and I would dare say that most people with Bipolar have also to some degree). 

One thing that really resonated with me is her writing that normal people live day-to-day while Bipolar people have a tendency to live in the past and feel that there is no hope for the future. I am guilty of that. Especially of reliving my childhood where I was a weird kid, but not a Bipolar person, yet.

She writes a great deal on depression and how to combat it in the book (maybe because women are more likely than men to have depressive episodes). One thing that she talks about that I had already discovered on my own is how truly beautiful this world is. Instead of walking with your head down looking at all the garbage this world produces, look at the sky, the bees collecting nectar, the unsual arrangement of pots that make up a planter; of course it helps if you don’t have a car, but I have seen more beautiful things that I would have missed had I been driving. I have met some very interesting people as well.

She asks the question: are you looking up and seeing the beauty of the world and feeling better, or are you looking down and letting depression get you? I know it is hard when you are in the throes of depression to see any beauty in anything, however I have found that getting outside and walking can be very spirit lifting. Basically, she says you have to tell the depression NO! and fight it like an enemy. She suggests writing down the symptoms of your depression so you will know it is the illness talking and not something else. Basically, you have to learn your behaviours so well that you can feel them coming, and you can take action to stop them.

Another topic she writes on, which I think is terribly important, is for your friends and family to be educated about the illness so they can see when you are ill, and take steps to help you rather than as one person I know put it when I asked them to take me to the hospital, “I am so sick and tired of all of your drama and chaos!” That wasn’t what I needed to hear from that person. If a Bipolar is asking to go to the hospital, just take them. They know what condition their condition is in, and they are asking for help not being screamed at. At the time of the above occurrence, I had all my meds lined up in a row an the counter in the bathroom, and I was wondering if I had enough to kill myself. So, yes, I think it is extremely important for those who care about you and whom you care about to be educated about this sometimes fatal illness. 

She writes on how to recognize the early stages of a manic episode and how to stop them. Of course, this is very personal in how the mania manifests itself. The are a myriad of ways that mania can insidiously crawl into your life. And, it can be a very destructive force in relationships, financial matters, work place etiquette, etc. It is important to know what triggers your manic episodes. 

Basically, this is a fast read, and many of the techniques she describes are ones I have tried and been successful with. If you had asked me 5 + years ago how I was doing, I would have had to lie, and say fine. And, since I am really good at hiding my illness from others, people believe me, and are then rather shocked when I become so depressed I can’t get dressed or bathe. However, I find that sticking to a regular sleep cycle, always taking my meds, trying to eat right and exercise, and doing things I enjoy seem to help. All are mentioned in her book. I guess when you have been an untreated bipolar for 15 years and treated for 11 years, you sort of work out your own “health” plan. I do, however, recommend this book. It is short, simple and to the point. And, it makes a lot of sense. She does not claim to be “cured” just very well managed.

Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)

Down the rabbit hole (Photo credit: PeterKlein77)

I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in. (Photo credit: Refidnas)

“…..Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)…”

What is the current state of my madness? Yes, I will call it that, because I do believe I am beginning to fall down the Rabbit Hole to have tea with the Mad Hatter. Whether this is going to be the good kind of madness where I actually get stuff done, or if it is going to be the kind where I am paralyzed I do not know. I have no time for the paralyzing type of madness. I have to move. It has become essential to my physical and mental well-being.

It is clear from taking the Holmes and Rahe life stress test that I am dangerously close to the edge of some precipice. I scored 314, and anything above 300 puts a person at extreme risk of becoming ill. What kind of ill they are talking about I do not know, so for my purposes, I will assume mental illness because physically I am fine. Mentally, I am not so sure. I have been passing through hypomania (though not true mania thanks to my meds ability to manage that) and mild depression for about a week now. I think they call it mixed episodes which I so often present at my psychiatrist’s office. One would think I would be used to them by now. However, they always take me by surprise. Hence the precipice of the Rabbit Hole that I feel like I am standing on. And, the ground beneath my feet is not super solid. I can feel it crumbling a little bit more everyday.

Part of the reason for this feeling, I believe, is that I have to give my current rental company a 30 day notice by Wednesday, and the apartment complex I located that had reasonable rent for the size of the apartment is giving me the run-around. Yeah, granted my credit isn’t that great; it plummeted when I was sued by my Student Loan company. It wasn’t that great prior to that, but it was like Black Friday all over again. I also discovered that a bankruptcy that should have been removed from my record is going to be there until 2015 instead of 2013 when it should have been removed from my credit report. So, needless to say, I do not look like a good risk even though I always pay my rent first. I have no desire to be homeless, and homeless with a cat is all the more impossible. Needless to say, I am extremely on edge. I am looking at losing what little I have managed to acquire in my lifetime. It may not be much, but it is mine.

I am doing my damnedest to remain positive, and know that everything will work itself out. That’s not how my brain works naturally. I always seem to think the most dire of things are definitely going to happen. Now, whether that is anxiety talking, or the Manic-Depression, I do not know.All I know is that my internal dialogue is trying to sabotage me. The most dire thoughts are winning, and the positive “everything will be okay” thoughts are being suppressed. I am losing my own argument. That alone does not bode well for stability of madness.

I keep taking my meds as I am very medication compliant having seen what will happen if I try to go off of them. It isn’t like I am on a whole lot of medication. However, the random thoughts keep coming and they are very negative. The stupid “voices” keep telling me that nothing is going to work out, that everything is fucked (pardon my french, that’s how I feel), that I am going to be homeless or at the less positive end of the scale, that I will be living with my soon to be ex husband for longer than I thought. That really gets on my last nerve. I would give anything for the more confident, positive thoughts to be stronger, but they never have. The negative is more powerful and always has been. 

Apparently, I should drop in more often to check what condition my condition is in……

Struggling Back

 

Yoda (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

 

As I fight my way back from what was becoming a paralyzing mixed episode while house hunting, packing and moving (in the process I had my old sick cat put down and gave another away to the Animal Shelter which means almost certain doom), I find that being on the very edge is definitely not a place I ever want to be again. By all rights, I should have been in the hospital. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t really eat (whenever I tried my throat would not let me swallow), I was suicidal, however I had no time to be any of those things that so commonly land a Bipolar in the hospital. I was fighting tooth and nail to remain sane, or at least, a semblance of sane. Because I wasn’t really. I had gone mad, the meds were not working, nothing was working. I was getting mentally and physically exhausted. I have not had the time to mourn my pets who were probably my closest “friends.” I have a husband who has no sympathy or understanding for what I did. My ex fiance and a long time friend of mine had more sympathy and understanding of the pain. That isn’t right, and does make me question whether my husband has some form of attachment disorder or something. I have never met anyone who does not have sympathy for a person who has lost a pet. Any way, to close on a more positive note, I found this quote this morning in one of my too many books:

 

“Try not. Do or do not, there is no try” ~ Yoda, from The Empire Strikes Back